Broken

by Man, Alina

“I had fun tonight,” she says as she drives us back to my car. “You’re more fun when you’re relaxed.”

  “I had fun too.” She parks right next to my car and turns around in her seat.

  “Listen David, don’t wait too long to let this girl know how you feel. Life’s too short.”

  “You’re pretty awesome, I hope you know that.” I lean in and give her a quick hug and she kisses my cheek.

  “Yeah, I know,” she laughs. We say goodbye and I watch her drive away. Today turned out to be one crazy day. A crazy day indeed.

  Chapter 21

  “Good morning, Sunshine.”

  “Isn’t it too early for you Shel?”

  “Don’t remind me,” she groans into the phone. “I got home from work around four this morning but wanted to make sure I wished you good luck on your first day.”

  “I’m going to need it. Why am I so nervous? The class looks nice doesn’t it? I want everything to be perfect.” Shelly was the one that helped me get the classroom ready and I spend countless hours preparing their welcome packets.

  “Snap out of it, woman. You are going to be amazing. I know it. Now get your butt up and get ready. Are we still on tonight?”

  “Tonight?”

  “Yes. Remember? Dinner and drinks? Celebration? Nothing?”

  “Oh. Yes definitely. I’ll pick you up at seven. Love ya.”

  “Back at cha.”

  I hang up and all I can think is just how wonderful is to have her in my life. During the hard times I’ve had the past few months, she ended up being my rock just when I needed one the most. What was supposed to be just a few weeks away from David, turned into a whole year of self-discovery. And Shelly was always there, making sure I stayed strong. While I still write whenever I get the urge, my true love had always been teaching. Turns out, I’m the happiest when I’m around kids. Today was officially my first day as a kindergarten teacher.

  I finish getting ready and look in the mirror again, making sure I look ok. It only took me a few weeks to decide on what to wear today. The long pleated navy skirt and the peach silk blouse make me look mature and sophisticated. Shelly’s words, not mine. If it were up to me, I would’ve picked the Capri pants with the Sponge Bob t-shirt. Not appropriate for the first day, she said.

  I grab my bag, take a deep breath, and walk out to face the music. This is it. What I’ve been working so hard for. The dream job. The drive is short and does nothing to calm my nerves. The closer I get to the school, the tighter the knots in my stomach get.

  The parking lot is a zoo, filled with kids, parents, teachers trying to get the parents to move their cars, and two big yellow busses dropping off some of the older kids. I wait for what seems like an eternity, thankful for the full blast AC. I wave back to one of the subs when she starts pointing at one empty parking spot.

  As I’m walking towards my classroom, I say more hellos and more good mornings; the classroom looks bright and cheerful. Each little desk is lined up perfectly, each with a little nametag neatly taped in the right corner. I hadn’t seen them since at the last minute my intern decided to have her brother makes them at his shop. They are laminated and beautifully designed with a thin border made up by the alphabet. The colors match the posters I’ve made with all the letters, each making out the name of an animal, fruit, or vegetable. There is a large poster with numbers from one to one hundred and a “star” poster that will be used for good behavior. The clock on the wall reminds me that I have exactly ten minutes before I get to meet my class and the nerves come back with a vengeance. Ten minutes that I can hear ticking louder and louder inside my head.

  It’s going to be a great year, I tell myself over and over. The first bell rings and I head out to the black top where the assembly takes place each morning. I wonder why they call it black top when most of the field is green with a big square of sand where the younger kids can play during recess. In spite of the massive outdoor space, the place is packed with kids, teachers, aids, and parents. It sounds as if they are all talking at the same time, an explosion of different sounds and languages. The second bell rings and some of the teachers are trying to get their students in line. I go up to McKenna, my little helper as she calls herself, who is already talking to some of the parents. There are about twenty kids all eagerly waiting next to her, some trying to get her attention, others still holding onto their parents.

  “There she is,” McKenna says cheerfully and a handful of heads turn my way. Talk about making an entrance. In spite of the dread I now feel inside, I smile and introduce myself to the few parents present. They all seem really eager to meet me, each one trying to outshine the other for my attention. I’m just a teacher for crying out loud.

  The principal’s voice cuts through the loud noise like a sharp blade and everyone suddenly turns to her. She is a very robust lady in her mid-fifties, with a no-room-for-nonsense attitude that keeps the school in order. She’s one amazing colleague and really pleasant to work with, but cross her even once and your opinion of her will change in seconds.

  The welcome ceremony lasts about twenty minutes and towards the end most of us teachers return to the classroom to get ready for our first day. I’m writing my name on the board when the door opens and McKenna asks if the students can enter.

  One by one, they enter, some looking so scared as if they’re about to face a herd of hungry lions.

  “Come one in everyone. Please let Miss McKenna know your name and she will show you to your desk.” I take my place behind the large wood desk and open the notebook I should’ve studied the night before. I should’ve been familiar with their names by now, but McKenna’s big idea to take it and make the name cards kept me from learning them. That’s ok, it’s in the past. No point in getting all worked up now.

  I look up in time to see a little pretty girl, with a head full of black, shiny, straight hair and my heart skips a beat. There’s something about this little face. I know that face. But from where?

  “Mrs. Harmon? Jenny?” McKenna’s voice is a whisper in my ear. “Are you ok?”

  “Yes, I’m fine.” She follows my gaze and smiles.

  “That’s Lily. Isn’t she simply adorable? Her grandma dropped her off because her dad is at work.” Oh My God. Someone just grabbed hold of my lungs and squeezed the life out of them because there’s no air coming in or out. I am hallucinating. That must be it. I mean, seriously, how silly to think that the same little girl I’ve been thinking about for the past year is now in my classroom, only a few feet away from me.

  I look down at the folder and try to find her name. There it is. In big bold black letters: Lily Watkinson. Holy shit. I’m going to be sick. The gallon of coffee I had in the morning is making its way up, and I know I have to get out of there.

  “I’ll be right back.”

  “Wait. Jenny you can’t go.”

  “Two minutes. Cover for me. Please.” I must look miserable because she nods and turns to the class. The class that’s watching me with curious eyes, probably thinking their teacher is a nut case.

  “Ok everyone. Settle down. Mrs. Harmon needs the little ladies room so let’s show her how good you all are.” She gets lots of giggles in return. Giggles that follow me down the hall as I run towards the restroom.

  Short breaths, I push them in and out until the bright stars I see start to disappear. I splash cold water over my face, not worrying about my makeup or the drops that are falling down my neck and onto my blouse. Lily Watkinson is going to be my student. For an entire year, I am going to see her and eventually see David. Shit, shit, shit.

  One year later and he still affects me in the most profound way. All I have to do is think his name and I get all hot and bothered. Why can’t I just leave him in the past? I’ve left everything else in the past. Everything except him. I stopped beating myself up a while back. Stopped wondering what I could’ve done differently. I spent the last year getting myself better, making new friends. And the entire time he was still there, his memory li
ngering in the back of my mind.

  No matter how many times I told myself that I made the right decision by leaving, I knew better now. I was no dummy. He did nothing wrong and I, the fool that I was, let some stranger make me doubt his love. I made the biggest mistake of my life and lived with it. But now things were about to change, whether I liked it or not. In spite of my almost nervous breakdown, I am suddenly feeling giddy and alive. Still nervous but excited all the same.

  One thing is for sure. I can’t hide in here for the rest of the day. I dry myself as much as I can and walk back to my class on wobbly legs. Twenty pairs of eyes follow me as I force myself to make it to my desk. McKenna’s chair is close to mine, and she looks at me, worry visible on her young face.

  “Are you ok? Do you think you have the stomach flu?” she asks and wiggles her brows. “You know, the stomach flu.”

  “No. Oh good Lord no.” I answer once I realize what she’s referring too. “I haven’t had anything to eat in a very long time, if you get my drift.” She coughs loudly, and I smile. Hey, two can play that game.

  “Ok class. I apologize for rushing out but I wasn’t feeling well. I’m all better now, and so excited to be your teacher this year. Who’s excited?” All cheer and just like that, I feel so much better.

  By recess, I’m all good. I force myself not to stare at Lily, who obviously has no idea who I am. She was too young to remember me. I see so much of David in her, same dark eyes and beautiful porcelain skin. Oh God, and next week I will get to see him when we have the back to school night.

  The rest of the day, I’m on autopilot. I can’t really remember if I gave the children any assignments or if I sent home the welcome packets. I’m a mess, but then again, what’s new. Just when I thought I had it all figured out, God had a different plan for me.

  The entire drive home I keep replaying bits and pieces of my time with David and trying my best not to cry. I’m done crying, aren’t I? I park the car in front of my condo, but make no attempt to get out. With my head on the wheel, I close my eyes and try to clear my thoughts. Is this one of the surprises that people say life is so full of? If that’s that case, I don’t want it. I demand a redo. The cell rings, the sound vibrating through the small space of my car.

  “Hello?”

  “Hey chica, are you ready? Shit why do you sound like that?” I clear my throat and try to swallow the lump that’s stuck there.

  “Where are you, Shel?”

  “I was on my way. Oh God, what happened? Don’t say nothing because you sound like shit.”

  “You will not believe me even if I told you,” I cry.

  “I’m almost at your house. Just hang in there.” I’m still inside the car when she gets there. She opens the door and helps me out. I hand her the keys so she can open up the door to my place and together we walk inside.

  “Sit down, and I’ll get you some water.”

  “Unless you bring me enough to drown in, don’t bother. I am ok, just shocked I guess.” She hands me the glass of water and, in spite of not being thirsty, I end up emptying it.

  “Tell me. What’s going on?”

  “David, that’s what.” She looks at me confused and before she can ask me, I tell her everything. Her look is priceless and I swear her mouth is open so wide, she could probably fit her whole hand in it. I reach out and push her bottom jaw up until it’s closed shut.

  “Sorry, but you’ve got to be shitting me. I mean, what are the odds, girl?”

  “You’re telling me. I was hyperventilating. I had to run and hide in the restroom. Me, hide in the freaking bathroom. Oh I could just die. Please tell me this is some silly joke and tomorrow it will be different.” I walk around the small kitchen, unable to sit still.

  “This is some silly joke and tomorrow will be different. Feel better?” In spite of everything, I laugh at her silliness. “Look babe, so what if she’s in your class? She doesn’t remember you, and it’s not as if you’ll see him. You said someone else was there with her, right?”

  “Shelly, I have back to school night next week and next month there’s the one on one parent-teacher conference. What am I going to do then?”

  “Nothing. That’s what you’ll do. You are going to be the professional self that you are, and when the time comes, you’ll find a way to deal with it. Come on girly. You’ve been through worse, remember? This is nothing. And who knows? Maybe there’s a reason why he’s back in your life.”

  “He’s not back in my life.”

  “You’re right. I mean for all we know he could be married.”

  “He’s not,” I answer quickly.

  “And how do you know that? Do tell.” Busted! Me and my big mouth.

  “I might’ve looked him up online.”

  “Aha. I knew it.”

  “What?” I ask all innocent.

  “Nothing. Well then. There you go. He is back in your life. Just go with the flow. Take it a day at a time. Isn’t that what you always said to me when I felt like my whole life was going down the drain? Now get your pretty ass in there and change. We’re going out tonight. You promised.”

  That’s exactly the distraction I needed. A night out with my crazy friend to take my mind off the sexy tall man I left my heart with a year ago and never got over it.

  Chapter 22

  Shelly was right. I was the professional teacher who was capable of handling anything. As the days passed by, the routine kicked in and the only time David would cloud my mind was at night when I was alone at home.

  Lily was just as bright as her dad, always curious and full of questions, and I was happy she did not remember who I was. David had yet to stop by the school. His nanny was the one I would see every morning on the black top. Their arrangement worked beautifully with me. I also knew that arrangement would change tomorrow. Lily made sure to inform me that her dad was going to be present at the back to school night. Just hearing his name made my legs weaken.

  I settled on the sofa with a cup of tea and called Shelly. Tonight I needed her pep talk more than ever. In about eighteen hours, I was going to be face to face with David.

  “Shelly, did I wake you?” Her groggy voice confirmed my question.

  “No, I’m good. I have to get up anyway. My shift starts in two hours. What’s wrong?” I could hear her move around, shuffling things, and then a soft curse escaped her lips. “Fuck, why do they call it funny bone? I just hit myself and it hurt like hell. Nothing funny about this shit.”

  “Sorry girl. Maybe I should let you go so you can get ready.” The sound of the lighter echoes in the phone. How can she stand those nasty cancer sticks?

  “No, it’s all good. I’m up. So what’s wrong? And don’t say nothing because you only call me this late when something happened.”

  “Shel, the back to school night is tomorrow. Tomorrow I am going to be in a room full of parents. In the same room with David,” I cry on the phone, the pitch of my voice goes higher with each word.

  “Hmm, well, the good thing is that it won’t be just the two of you. The bad thing, you’ll have to talk to him, girl. I think it’s for the best.”

  “Seriously? How?”

  “Well once you see him you’ll stop traumatizing over this whole thing. Besides, I’m sure he’s moved on. I mean it’s been what? Over a year? You’ve moved on.” Have I? Why can’t I at least pretend that I have? “Oh shit girl, you haven’t, have you?”

  “No, I have,” I keep repeating myself but she knows me too well so there’s no room for lies. “Really.” I take a deep breath and close my eyes. “Who am I kidding? If I told you I’ve been dreaming about him this whole time you’d think me crazy. The truth is I have. There hasn’t been a day that I didn’t wonder if he was ok, if he remarried, if there was someone else playing with Lily. Seeing her only made it harder.” A sob escapes my lips. I’m going to blow it tomorrow. I can feel it in my bones. I’m going to make a fool of myself right there in front of the entire class, drooling over a man who probably doesn’t e
ven remember me.

  No amount of encouraging words from Shelly was able to calm my nerves. The next morning that feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach was still there, only stronger. I took longer getting dressed and putting my makeup on. The pencil skirt was shorter, the little while blouse a bit tighter, the heels on my shoes just slightly higher. I wanted to look good. I wanted him to see that I was finally healthy, that I did let go of my troubled past and nothing was overshadowing my mind.

  As I walked down the path towards my classroom, I received several glares of approval from some of the dads dropping off their kids and I knew I picked the right outfit. The day flew by, the kids full of excitement over the things they were about to share with their parents. Big brown envelopes were filled with their drawings, the first letters and numbers they learned, and a special note for their parents to see.

  I drank too much coffee, forgot to eat, and my entire body was shaking by the time six o’clock rolled in. This is it. The moment of truth. It’s not like he’s going to attack me right there in front of the parents. Maybe he’ll wait for me in the parking lot. OK, I’ve officially lost it.

  “Ready?” McKenna’s voice startles me, and I drop the entire folder, the sheets of papers flying all over.

  “You bet. Are you going to stay and help?” I go down on my knees and start gathering the notes.

  “Hello Jenny.” I don’t have to look up to know who it is. I’ve been dreaming of that voice. I force myself up with whatever dignity I have left and put on the teacher face. The one I’ve practice over and over until I left it was convincing enough that I was a confident woman who was not in the least affected by this man.

  Oh sweet Jesus. He looks even better than I remember. His black slacks and white shirt give him an air of superiority. My mouth goes dry as I gaze over him, drinking him in, hoping to get my fill.

  The rest of the parents are starting to arrive, the classroom fills quickly but all I see is him. There’s a hit of a smile on his face, showing the tiny dimples that I once kissed. It feels so hot in the room, and I am forced to fan myself with one of the papers on my desk. The bell rings, announcing that it’s time to start the meeting. We all have exactly thirty minutes and there’s so much to go over. I take a drink of my water and pray my voice doesn’t crack.