We're All Mad Here (Tim Miller's Twisted Tales Book 1)

by Tim Miller

  “Benji! No! Off with her head! Off with it! I want her head on a spike! Now!” the queen screamed as Alice ran through the doors large doors swinging and flailing the sword at anyone who came near her. She’d entered the queen’s palace which looked more like a giant dungeon on the inside. The place was filthy and smelled like death and rot. There were more dead bodies hanging about and the halls were lined with various bone and human remains

  Once inside she darted through several corners until she reached what must have been her throne room. The room was large with a long red carpet leading down the middle. At least it was red at one time. Now it was just brown and covered with stains. Once again, more dead bodies dangling from the ceiling. Apparently the queen liked to remind her subjects just how ruthless she was. That much was evident, ruthless or insane at least.

  She realized she was still naked and looked around for anything she could cover herself with. Normally she was very self-conscious about her body, but at the moment that took a huge back seat. Though it didn’t change the weird feeling of her boobs flopping around as she ran. Though standing in the throne room and looking at the throne, a thought struck her. The silly argument The Splatter and the queen had over who’s property Alice was due to who found her first.

  This was all based on some law the queen had forgotten she’d made up. Alice wondered what other weird laws the queen may have come up with. Footsteps were approaching from down the hall along with men shouting. There was no other way out of the throne room, she could see. So it was a long shot, but she ran up the steps in the large throne, that looked like it was crafted from tin cans and old phone books. They were all compacted together and looks like glued to form the huge throne.

  She turned and sat on the throne, but the cold seat stung her bare buns. Jumping up she sat down slowly again, though the cold still made her twitch. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Figured if nothing else, she’ll play the part. It probably wouldn’t work, but even if they killed her now, it would be better than being raped by that sick Benji asshole. Finally the guards came running into the throne room.

  “I think she went in here!” One of them called out. They turned the corner into the room and all froze when they saw her on the throne. They each looked at each other confused. Finally one knelt and the others followed suit.

  “To our new queen! Queen Alice has taken the throne!” He said.

  “Long live the queen!”

  “Long live the queen!” The men repeated. The Splatter came strolling in with the queen next to him. She thought he may have been smiling, but his face was a skull, it always looked smiling.

  “Well there! You’ve done well for yourself!” The Splatter said.

  The queen, or now former queen came in and looked as if her eyes were going to jump out of their sockets.

  “What have you done?” She screamed. “Traitor! Traitor to the kingdom! Off with her head! Off with it!”

  “Uh, my queen, er, um...ma’am?” One of her now former advisors had said.

  “What? I gave you an order!”

  “Yes, that’s the problem. According to the law, she has assumed the throne, so she is now queen.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous! Do as I say or off with your head!”

  The other advisors stepped in to explain.

  “He is right. You got the throne in a similar fashion, remember? You assumed the throne from your husband, and then had him beheaded. It has been a law since the dawn of Wonderland.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous! I was born queen! Off with her head!” She screamed, this time saliva was shooting out of her mouth as she yelled. As nuts as the woman had previously been, Alice was certain she’d totally lost her mind.

  The guards didn’t move toward Alice though, they just looked at her. Now her nakedness didn’t seem to bother her one bit. She stood tall, holding the short sword out before her, pointing it at her predecessor.

  “Strip her and hand her over to Mr. Splatter! She will be their next feast!” Alice commanded.

  “Oh happy day!” Splatter exclaimed jumping up and down. The former queen just screamed and struggled as the guards cut the gross dress of human hearts off her, and removed what dirty undergarments the woman had on. They took her to the ground and bound her with rope and twine before handing her over the Splatter who threw her over his shoulders as if she were a bag of flower. “I can’t remember the last time we had a royal feast! This will be just delightful! Thank you your majesty! Your first act as queen could not have been better!” Splatter said as he tipped his hat and disappeared down the hallway.

  The other guards all approached the throne and knelt before her. The main one had on a striped cloak. He’d been the one to do all of the head lopping earlier. She figured he was the master at arms.

  “What is thy bidding my queen?” He asked as he knelt before her. The others all knelt behind him on one knee, including the advisors. Alice couldn’t believe what was happening. She needed a nice long bath, but she doubted such a thing existed in this filthy pit. Maybe as queen she can get the place cleaned up. In the meantime, she had one request.

  “Someone please get me a robe!”

  Chapter 7

  Alice retired from her throne room as one of her new attendants took her to her quarters. She was pleased to see this was the only nice room of the castle so far. It was clean, with a huge bed, clean silk sheets and a huge closet lined with clothes. Though the clothes all looked like something out of an episode of The Tudors. Nothing she’d want to wear no matter what her weird title now was.

  “Excuse me?” She asked the young woman, who was apparently her handmaiden. “What is your name?”

  “I am Annalise milady.”

  “Yes Annalise, could you maybe find me some, like, normal clothes? This stuff all looks ancient and uncomfortable. I just need plain clothes.”

  “I will, do what I can your grace. Will you be off with my head if I fail?” The girl asked.

  “What?”

  “My head. The old queen would cut off anyone’s head who let her down.”

  Alice laughed as she clenched her robe around her. She couldn’t imagine how it must have been for those people. Constantly living in fear of being eaten or having your head cut off for some psycho bitch’s amusement. No, she would not be that kind of queen at all. Though she may need to crack a few skulls to get things in order here.

  “Tell you what, can you draw me a bath? As you can see I’m filthy and covered in blood,” Plus she wanted to wash Benji’s nastiness off herself. Annalise did as she was told and got to work.

  A few hours later, Alice lie on the bed, still in her silk robe, but this time nice and clean. The relaxing bath was exactly what she had needed. She’d even dozed off for a short time. Now that she was clean and rested she had a minute to take in her new role and what it meant. One thing it meant however, was not seeing her family and friends. Though she’d never had many friends, and if she thought long and hard about it, her family probably either didn’t realize she was gone, or was just glad to be rid of her.

  Here was a place she was the queen. She was the single and final authority on everything. Though she’d killed more than a few people since her arrival, those had all been in self-defense. She didn’t even want to begin thinking about her rape, so she pushed that to the back of her mind, hopefully for good. Her door swung open as one of her advisors strolled in.

  “Good evening your grace. So sorry to disturb you, but a situation has arose,” he said.

  “Situation? What is that?”

  “Humpty Dumpty and his men have mounted an offensive on the palace. Word has spread there is a new queen and he is making his push for power.”

  “Are you kidding? So I’m barely queen a few hours and there’s a fucking revolt?”

  “Well, not exactly your grace. Humpty Dumpty has been planning for years to make a move. He’s managed to lie low for quite a while. The Queen of Hearts had people hunting him for several years but wit
h no luck. Now it seems we’ve found him.”

  “What do I do?”

  “Madam?”

  “We’re under attack. What the fuck am I supposed to do?” She asked.

  “Well, you’re the queen. That is up to you.”

  “Ok, do we have an army?”

  “Yes. Several.”

  “Good, who is in charge of them?”

  “You are, your grace.”

  “No shit. Is there a general or something?”

  “Yes my queen. General Grayskull.”

  “Grayskull?”

  “Indeed.”

  “Ok then. Send him to me, immediately.”

  He bowed and walked out of the room. She paced in her bare feet as she looked around the room. This was just great. Her first war as queen and she couldn’t even find anything to wear. In the corner there were a pair of thick leather boots. She walked over and pulled them on. At least they fit ok, though they looked like medieval combat boots. Whatever, footwear was footwear. After a few moments, her door opened up and a tall man wearing battle armor and carrying a huge sword stepped in.

  “General Grayskull at your service my queen,” he said as he knelt before her. She was relieved to see his face in fact was not a gray skull. Though he was far from attractive. Besides being freakishly tall, he looked like he’d been in more than his share of battles. His face was pale and laden with scars. His right eye was white with no iris at all.

  “I’m aware of Humpty Dumpty and his men. I assure you they don’t stand a chance against us.”

  “You seem awful sure.”

  “I am a seasoned warrior. You are welcome to come and watch the battle my queen. We shall put on a spectacle for you like you will never forget.”

  “Maybe I’ll join you. I gather your old queen ran and hid a lot.”

  He hesitated, but made eye contact with her and then nodded.

  “She did your grace,” he said.

  “I don’t want to be like that. I want to show my people I care, that I am their leader.”

  “If you insist my queen. It would be an honor to be at your side. If you ride alongside me, I can see to your safety.”

  “Sounds good,” she grabbed her sword and walked toward him. “Let’s go.”

  “You aren’t going to get dressed your grace?”

  “I took the throne wearing less than this.”

  “Indeed,” he said as he turned and walked out. She followed him as they walked through the halls and down some stairs, to a large field outside the castle. There were thousands of soldiers and horses, but not quite horses. They were large, four legged creatures that looked like horses except they were purple with their backs in a huge arch. In the center their heads and just below their eyes was a short, thick, but sharp horn. Each of them were fitted with saddles and armor.

  “What are these things?” She asked, petting one.

  “They are called unicorns my queen.”

  “Unicorns? They don’t look like unicorns,” She said. They were far from the beautiful and majestic creatures she’d read about or had seen in cartoons. These were nice looking animals, but were vicious beasts, strong and powerful, but not pretty or cute at all.

  “You’ve seen many unicorns where you’re from?” He asked.

  “Guess not.”

  She looked around, trying to figure out how she’d go about this. Finally she shrugged.

  “Fuck it,” she said as she removed her robe, folded it over and lay it across the saddle as she climbed onto the creature. Looking around the rest of the soldiers, all of whom were wearing armor similar to Grayskull’s, were staring at her.

  “What? You never seen a naked girl before?”

  Grayskull raised his sword and knelt down before her unicorn and shouted.

  “Long live the naked queen!”

  “Long live the naked queen!” The men repeated. They all stood and mounted their beasts as she followed Grayskull to the front of the pack. For the first time in her life, being naked didn’t bother her one bit. She felt all the men’s eyes upon her as she rode past. No longer was she feeling fat, ugly, weak or odd. She was strong, beautiful and powerful. Alice had become the Naked Queen.

  Chapter 8

  At this point, nothing should have surprised Alice, but yet she was when she saw her mortal enemy, Humpty Dumpty was in fact a giant egg. He wasn’t riding any kind of horse. He rode on some platform being carried by his men while the rest of his troops, which looked like a band of trolls marched in carrying spears and sticks. Alice rode up alongside General Grayskull who didn’t appear to be the least bit tense.

  “What do you think?” She asked.

  “I think Humpty Dumpty has gone totally mad and should prepare for his death.”

  “Did you know he was an egg?”

  “Of course. I thought everyone knew that,” he scoffed as he rode his unicorn up ahead of the pack and led them into battle. The two sets of armies charged at each other as Alice just tried to hang on. Maybe riding into battle naked wasn’t the hottest idea ever. Then again, maybe riding into battle at all wasn’t so smart. She clutched the creature’s neck as both armies swarmed around her, engaged in battle. The sounds of shouting, screaming and clanging swords filled the air.

  One of Humpty Dumpty’s trolls came charging straight at her. She raced past him and swung her sword, beheading him in a single blow. She turned and stabbed another. Most of the trolls were on foot, so she was able to ride through and cut them down easily. Her men were quickly annihilating the egg man’s army.

  It was all over in just a few minutes. Her army outnumbered Humpty Dumpty’s at least three to one. He had grossly underestimated her, but would pay. Though when she approached him sitting on his platform with a huge smile on his face. For an egg, he had an awful lot of teeth, though he was missing several of his front teeth, leaving a huge gap. There was what looked like a big crack down one side where his head should be, with a white milky substance oozing out. He was very large, standing up he was at least six feet tall. No telling how big around he was.

  “You seem awful upbeat. You just lost. You’re not my prisoner,” Alice said.

  Humpty Dumpty just laughed. As he spoke she couldn’t help but notice his voice was deep and guttural, like Jabba the Hutt.

  “You haven’t beaten me. You just fell into my trap! Hahahaha,” he said.

  “What trap is that?”

  “JABBERWOCKY!” He shouted.

  From over the hillside, what little daylight there was left was blotted out by a huge shadow that flew from behind the hills. The thing let out a roar that caused the ground to rumble as it flew straight up into the sky. Its wings were outstretched as it climbed until it was a tiny speck. It then turned into a dive straight at them. Alice and her men stood mesmerized watching the giant creature as it dove straight at them.

  As it approached, it pulled out of the dive until it was barely a dozen feet over head. It swooped over them as a plume of blue flame shot out engulfing dozens of Alice’s soldiers. They screamed as they ran for cover, but finding none. The smell of burning flesh and hair filled the air as the burning men screaming. Many tried rolling on the ground but it did no good. The Jabberwocky swooped around for another pass this time headed straight for Alice.

  Humpty Dumpty sat on his platform laughing heartily while watching everyone burn. Alice jumped onto the platform and ran behind the huge egg man.

  “What are you doing? Get out of here!” He called out. She figured if he commanded the Jabberwocky, then the thing won’t hurt him. At least she hoped that was the case. She began pushing him from behind, as he struggled against her. Despite his large, round, egg shape, he was heavy as hell. She put her shoulder into his back and pushed and pushed. He was unable to move at all other than flailing his arms to stop her.

  Finally she got some movement as the Jabberwocky was now headed right for them. It already began unleashing its fire onto the remaining men on the ground. She backed up a few feet and ran into
him, plowing into him this time and sending him toppling off the platform and onto the ground. He rolled and rolled as the platform was a light incline. Humpty Dumpty kept rolling until he was right in the path of the creature’s deadly flames.

  Humpty Dumpty screamed a high pitched squeal as he was engulfed in flames. His outer shell popped and crackled as his white, milky insides oozed out, sizzling as the flames licked it up. The creature came to a stop as it realized it had just killed its master. It flew back around and landed next to what was left of Humpty Dumpty, which was now a giant omelet, but it didn’t smell like egg at all. He smelled like piss and shit.

  The creature looked up and roared again, this time as if it were crying. Alice wasn’t sure what was going on, but she wasn’t going to stick around to find out. Slowly she began to back away and climb down off the platform, hoping it wouldn’t see or hear her. As she did so, the thing looked at her, its huge green eyes making eye contact, freezing her in her tracks. The hate coming from those eyes struck more terror into her than anything else she’d seen so far in wonderland.

  It roared again as she covered her eyes, waiting for the all-consuming blue flame of death to overtake her, burning her into a pulp. But that didn’t happen. Instead it leaned toward her. She could smell the sulfur and smoke on its hot breath as she tried to hold perfectly still. Part of her wanted to just turn and run, but no doubt the thing could destroy her several different ways. It leaned in just looking at her for a moment and even sniffing her. Without any warning or so much as a twitch to give away its movements, the creature’s huge mouth snapped wide open and lunged at her. In a single gulp, she was inside the Jabberwocky’s throat, which was nothing but a dark abyss. The spasm of its swallow reflex hurled her further into the darkness. Whatever journey she had been on in Wonderland, was about to come to a horrific end.

  Chapter 9

  Alice thought she was in hell. The black hole had no end. She was expecting to hit the belly of the beast at any second and be slowly and painfully digested over a long time. That did not happen however. What did happen was a light appeared a head. Not just one, but several. Swirling lights of yellow, green, red and orange. As she got closer, it was a bright, smoky mist that swallowed her up. She closed her eyes as she tumbled through the fog.