He sighed loudly then scoffed, “I gather by the state of your skin that your previous partner didn’t have any knowledge of one. Tell me what your safe word is Beatrice!” His voice was cold, unfamiliar and I shivered by his lack of empathy. Gone was the soft and gentle man who had once caressed my heart and soul, now a dark and evil man took his place, a man that had removed his emotions to do what needed doing. I took heed from him and shut down my own spirit, refusing sentiment and meaning to push in.
“Dragonfly,” I whispered as I closed my eyes and allowed my soul to shift away.
He paused then nodded. “Dragonfly it is.”
Then he moved behind me.
And then he rained hell upon my soul with each thrash upon my skin and each union of leather and flesh. His hits were hard but regulated, firm but yielding and after the first agonising fifteen lashes I started to feel the pain merge into something new, something arousing and stimulating. My heart beat quickened the rush of blood through my veins with each of Jay’s fierce cries every time he brought down his arm and gave me what he had desired for so long to give me. My skin became hyper-sensitive, each flay building the pressure inside me until I started to shiver with each beat, my screams subsiding into erotic groans of something sexual and raw.
Jay’s deep pants morphed into similar moans of ecstasy as we both let go and lost ourselves to the other. The world and air disappeared around me and everything that had grieved my mind was lost to the heat bursting through my bones and the bliss controlling every nerve ending within my body.
Suddenly, my hands were snapped free, my body falling until I was hoisted upright and dragged across the room. Jay bent me abruptly over a frame of wood that was shaped like an upside-down ‘V’. He bound my hands to the joint at the top and then yanked at my legs, tying each one to the sides, the positon opening my legs widely. Pushing at my back he forced my face to the wood, the action lifting my bottom high in the air.
I squealed when a sharp crack burnt the skin on my arse, the pain radiating from it making me gasp. Another harsh whoosh through the air told me the cane he had started to use was coming again and I braced myself, this time readying for it. The hot smarting pain it left behind made me cry out but he pasted me over and over until I was screaming with the pain, my heart hurting with his cruelty. I had thought I could handle the darkness within us both, but I hadn’t realised what exactly controlled Jay deep down inside. With each of his enraged shouts as he lashed me it was evident this was exactly what lay beneath his soul, the sadist inside him allowed for the first time to be free with a women he had prayed for.
“Jay!” I screamed when the willow of the cane tore into my flesh, the itch of blood trickling down my thighs making me sob louder.
I couldn’t breathe, the agony now unbearable as my whole body wept in pain. But still Jay gave me the punishment we both knew I deserved. However, that was nothing to what was to come and when I saw him throw down the cane and I heard the yanking of his zip, I allowed myself to feel again.
His cock thrust inside me and the agonising roar that burst from Jay with our connection made my blood heat and my belly throb. My mind was in turmoil, the amazing sensation of having him inside me grappling with the heat of pain on my skin. His fist twisted in my hair and he yanked it hard, the blazing heat across my skull making me cry out but his deep fierce thrust pushed me away again, his hold on my hair crippling me with a pain that made my eyes water. But when my orgasm tore through me with a power I had never felt before, my soul burst with another emotion and another agony.
“You see!” he shouted at me as his fucking deepened and his brutality powered him into a primal animal that saw no surrender or compassion. “DO – YOU-SEE – BEATRICE – VINE?” He roared as he drove so hard inside me I could feel the spill of his cum in my heart, the vicious force of it detonating another mind-blowing climax to rip through every single one of my muscles.
“I see,” I sobbed. “I see it, I bear witness to it like you always wanted me to!”
He stilled behind me and for the longest time we remained wordless and numb, both of us trying to figure out what the hell had just happened. My heart beat pained me, the frantic thud of it making my throat hurt as I struggled to hold back the emotions drowning me.
“Oh my God,” Jay suddenly choked out, his fingers yanking at the ropes that tied my body to the frame. “Beatrice? Bea?” he anguished. “Why the hell didn’t you use your safe word?”
He pulled me round and framed my face with his hands, the despair on his face showing that his humanity had returned and his dark side once more had been sated. “Because I didn’t need it.”
He frowned, his eyes frantically moving over my face as he checked me for any signs of distress. “What?” It was clear he was shocked with my answer and when I shifted round and winced at the pain in my buttocks he gently manoeuvred me until I was laid on my stomach on the deep thick rug in the room. “Keep still,” he demanded as he crossed the room and snatched up a tub of ointment that was housed on a high shelf beside other medical balms.
“I don’t understand why you didn’t say it,” he mumbled again as he delicately applied a layer of soothing cool cream to my bottom. “You should have said it, Bea.”
“Why?” I asked as I peered over my shoulder to look at the guilt on his face.
“Because…” he swallowed, “Look at what I’ve done to you.”
“We both asked for it, Jay. I asked for it and you needed it. Why would I say the word when it was a word to make you stop?”
“You didn’t want me to stop”? He looked confused as his eyes lifted to mine.
I sighed but smiled, “I know how to use a safe word Jay Carter. I might be a dumb blonde at times but I’m not entirely daft.”
He quirked an eyebrow and smirked. “I dunno, sugar, you bedded Robbie the fucking lame reindeer!” He tried to make it sound like a joke but I could see the hurt on his face.
Shifting around and ignoring the sharp sting to my back, I reached up and cupped his cheek. “I didn’t screw Robbie, Jay. I couldn’t go through with it.”
He blinked at me, his head tipping to the side. “But, he said…”
“I know what he said, I heard him. He was winding you up, and I have to say, he did a good job of it. Yes I admit, I was going to, I admit I used him. I thought he could give me what I needed but…” I shrugged, “turned out he couldn’t.” Smiling, I winked at him, attempting to lighten the mood. “But you did.”
He didn’t smile back though and his finger trailed across my bruised cheekbone. “Then who did this?”
I winced, turning away from him when shame blushed my face.
“Bea?”
I dragged in a deep breath as I attempted to control the grief inside me. “It doesn’t matter.”
“Like fuck!” he raged. “Tell me! Tell me!”
“It doesn’t concern you anymore Jay.”
He looked like I had slapped him, his face paling with both outrage and indignation. “Oh believe me, it does, it so fucking does.”
“Why does it?” I shouted back, his annoyance at how I lived my own life angering me.
He scoffed, his mouth dropping open before he clenched his jaw and grasped my arms, pulling me closer to his enraged face. “Because you’re mine, Bea. You’re mine and I love you. I love you damn it!”
“You shouldn’t love me,” I whispered, finally unable to control the grief inside me as a heartbroken sob broke free. “I’m damaged Jay, I’m ruined and dead from the inside.”
“No,” he cried back, his own tears now spilling down his face. “No you’re not, you’re just hurt and angry at life. You’ve been through so much, Bea. Noah, rape and then… what that bastard did to you. There’s no wonder you’re angry, you should be furious!”
I scoffed, shaking my head slowly. “How can I be furious when I’m tired? I don’t have any energy to be furious, Jay. I’m tired, I’m so tired.”
He huddled me up, pulling me again
st his strong chest and attempted to soothe my distress when it came in great big heaving waves, the hatred and misery granted freedom and tearing my soul in two. But Jay held it together with soft kisses and tender words as he rocked me against the explosion of my devastation. His strong arms protected me from myself when I clung to him and let everything that was locked inside me free, hope and aspiration taking over until my sobs died and my heart once again beat inside me.
“Come home with me,” Jay pleaded when I quietened in his arms. I looked up at him but didn’t answer. “You need to repay the favour.” I frowned and shook my head in puzzlement. He stroked his finger over my back. “It’s my turn.”
“But…” My gut twisted and I grimaced. “I’m not sure I can.”
He smiled and ran his thumb over my jawline. “You can still use your safe word if it becomes too much but I need you, Bea. Please.”
I swallowed. He had given me what I’d begged him to and as I looked up at his hopeful expression, I nodded. “Okay.” I whispered.
Taking my hand in his, he pulled me up off the floor. “Thank you. You’ll see that it’s what I want when you bear the whip, sugar. You won’t hurt me, I promise. I’ll be yours to command.”
I smiled at his eagerness, took a deep breath and allowed him to once again lead me into the depths of his forbidden pleasure.
Chapter 24
Jay
My body was on fire, but not with pain, with the pleasure Bea was currently bestowing on me. I blinked at her softly as she knelt before me, her wide eyes watching me as my hands twisted in the shackles above my head.
Another ripple of ecstasy trickled up my spine as she plunged her mouth down on my dick, jolting delicious throbs through my balls. Unable to brandish the whip, she had fallen to her knees before me with tears of apology in her eyes, her soft sobs and her murmurs of not being able to hurt me twisting my gut. Then she had dropped and taken my cock between her lips. The sweet worship of her mouth was actually enough to take my mind into paradise, her gentle torture not allowing for any regret on my side. I didn’t care if she couldn’t hurt me, it told me more about her than anything else.
“Tell me,” I whispered, “tell me you love me.”
Beatrice frowned up at me and I didn’t miss the way she stuttered around my cock, her throat closing as she swallowed with apprehension. The look that descended in her eyes made my chest hurt. She couldn’t say it. She couldn’t say it.
She closed her eyes, the moment lost as she leaned back on her heels and lowered her face. “Jay…”
Sucking air through my teeth, I blew it back out on a long drawn breath. “Don’t worry about it, sugar.”
She winced, hearing the hurt and embarrassment in my voice. She leaned forward to take me back in her mouth but it was gone, my dick now soft and flaccid. “Oh Jay…” she whispered with a tight whisper. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be,” I sighed. “I shouldn’t have pushed.”
She reached up and released the locks on the cuffs, her eyes still low as she struggled to look at me.
Rubbing at my wrists, I watched her, the pain and guilt crossing her face making me ache for her. She blinked and jolted when I extended my arm and gently touched her face, turning her head until she looked at me. “So what is this?”
“This?”
“This,” I gestured to us both, “Between us. Is it just sex, a way of relieving the stress of daily life?”
“No,” she said quickly, her head shaking just as eagerly as her regretful answer. “No it’s so much more than that.”
“But?”
“But…” She sighed and sat down of the floor, huddling her knees up and wrapping them in her arms. Looking up at me I could practically feel the self-hatred roll off her. “You have no idea how much I want to let you in Jay. But there’s this… hollowness inside me, and even though it’s a void, it’s incapable of being filled, by anything or anyone.”
“You don’t think I want to help you fix that? That I only want the good parts of you?”
“It’s not that,” she argued with a deep sigh. “I want to accept what you have to give so much, so much but it’s not that easy. I care for you Jay, so much so that I won’t let you become… dragged under by my shit.”
Sitting before her, I took her hands and held them tightly as I made her look at me. “What do you think love is Bea?”
She smiled softly, her eyes softening. “I know what love is Jay. And I know what you’re trying to say.”
“And what am I trying to say?”
“That you love me enough to take on my shit.”
“Then why won’t you let me?”
I couldn’t say it didn’t hurt, her rebuff and refusal to accept me. I wanted to help her get past whatever was grieving her soul. I wanted to be the one to take her hand and drag her through to the other end.
She framed my face with both her hands. “You understand what love is when you want someone to be happy. Even when their lives don’t include you. Love is when you are willing to sacrifice your own happiness to allow someone else to be happy. Love is not wanting them to hurt, even with your own shit. Love is an overwhelming pain inside that cannot be eased by just their smile, their own love for you, it’s accepting that you’re no good for them and wanting them to move on and be happy, even if it’s with someone else.”
I stared at her, understanding but not daring to understand.
“I’m too broken to be fixed, Jay. The pieces are so fractured that there isn’t enough damn glue in the world that can repair what I have done.”
My skin prickled with unease. “What have you done?”
She looked away, her eyes closing with pain. “I’ve stepped over the line.”
My mouth opened to question her when her phone rang. She sighed, blinking away the heaviness that had descended over us. I caught Jack’s name on the screen of her phone. That man always picked the worse times ever.
“Hey,” Bea answered quietly, her eyes shooting up to mine as she jumped up. “I’m on my way.”
“What?”
She smiled at me, widely and happily. “Noah’s awake.”
***
I wanted to fold her in my embrace and push back all the heartache until she couldn’t feel anything but love. Her brothers were all waiting for her when we got to the hospital and as soon as I had caught their expressions I had been ready to catch Bea.
She hadn’t seen it, too excited to get to her brother that she hadn’t seen the pain on their faces.
It had taken Ollie three attempts to tell Beatrice that Noah had died. She wouldn’t, couldn’t, accept it, her refusal finally making the pain of realisation devastating. He had woken and then not ten minutes later, as we raced to the hospital, suffered a fatal heart attack. Yet Beatrice hadn’t understood how he could go from being fine to dying in a matter of minutes and had thought her brothers were playing a sick game with her. It wasn’t until she finally saw Noah’s dead body that she accepted her brother’s death.
Her soul destroying screams will haunt my dreams for the rest of my life, my heartache as potent as hers. I wanted to rewind time and make these last few months disappear. I was sure she couldn’t cope with much more.
But anger had consumed me and I had sworn I would find who was responsible for all this suffering to Beatrice.
And when I did, may God turn his back on him too.
***
I didn’t know how to help her. She was asleep now, her despair so strong that her chest still stuttered with a sob every now and again, even after two hours of sleep.
I drained my glass then refilled it with another whisky before settling back in the window to watch another day break. I wanted it to remain night and keep us all in perpetual darkness until this unbearable pain Beatrice was in had passed.
The street was quiet, the light rain producing a mist in the early morning light, dawn approaching way too fast for my liking. The gentle breeze from the last two days was stirring into a
wind, the coppery leaves on the tree by my front lawn no option but to drop to the grass, the rude awakening that autumn was upon us. My heart reflected their weakness, dying a slow death day by day.
My mother’s words filtered into my mind for some strange reason. “I know it’s still so raw Jay, but I can’t help you move past it if you’re unwilling to.”
I turned to look at Beatrice and frowned. It was only then that I realised I had moved past the thing that had haunted me for over twenty years. My mother was happy. My dad had made her pain tolerable, if not deleting the many awful memories she had of her life with James. She had moved on and she loved life.
I had escaped my mother’s nightmare, and landed in my own. It wasn’t my Mum’s ache that lived in me now, it wasn’t her nightmares that controlled my own. It was mine, my own life that hurt me, the emptiness inside starting to swallow me whole after, for so long, being alone.
I turned back to the window and watched the sun rising over the back of the hill on the horizon. This had been one of the reasons I had bought the house, the beautiful picture it offered every morning to announce a new day. Yet for the first time, I didn’t want to witness life moving forward, leaving the pain of yesterday in just my memories. Bob the guy who lived in number six across the road exited his house, his lips pressed together as he whistled his usual tune. Every morning he’d wake me, that damn happy tune he whistled making me grind my teeth. This morning, I didn’t grind my teeth. I imagined shooting the twat right in the middle of his forehead, the hole that appeared slowly seeping blood down his fat red cheeks and…
“I want to get high.”
I blinked at her sudden quiet voice and turned. She was still laid on the sofa, her eyes staring forward as the fire blazed. Her sorrow was engulfing, its agony making me swallow against the pressure of it. “Tough.”
She snorted, generating a frown. I had thought she would go into meltdown, screaming and shouting at me that I had no say in how she lived. But her resignation grieved me more. She had nothing left to shout and scream with.
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