by Venice Kelly
I’m going to betray him in the worst way possible backing the Harvell’s and for a moment I feel a tinge of guilt. Closing my eyes the guilt eases I know what my sister would want and she wouldn’t want Vanessa’s family destroyed. My father has lost sight of that over the years, lost sight that Hannah though of Vanessa as a sister. I lost sight of that for a while and recently it has come back full force to where I don’t feel the guilt I used too. A guilt maybe I should still feel given the way things went down. The other night has given me hope and I know it’s a dangerous game to feel that again. I wave my hand at Austin as he approaches wiping the chalk from the wall on his gym shorts. Once upon a time I wanted to be Austin Parsons and follow my dreams. Dreams that had to be cut short.
“They’re staring at you.” I say giving him a smile as the two college girls are clearly checking him out as he walks towards me.
“So they can stare. What’s up?” He says reaching some of the bills on the counter before he leads us away back to his office in the back of the gym.
“I need your advice,” I say cautiously he knows how my dad can get about the business and that is what sets my voice on a slight edge with him.
“Okay. Shoot.” He says walking to the mini fridge in the office, taking out two ice cold waters. He hands one to me before he takes a seat behind the desk in the chair.
“I have to give the Harvell’s that contract that Garrett and I came up with. I just don’t know how to do it. I know how Vanessa will take it. Like I am trying to steal the last bit of her father from her since he wanted to sell to me. Like my family is still punishing her for the accident. I don’t want that.” I say opening the bottle and taking a sip before I look at Austin who seems to be pondering the situation and the words in his head. Before he can give me an answer I continue.
“I went to see her the other night. In the barn I kissed her. I still want her and all I can think about the last few weeks is how much fucking time I have wasted on that. I want to buy the land and help her repurpose it but I don’t think she’’ll see it that way. My dad wants to knock it down. Plow it all up and build that stupid condominium there. If I don’t do it soon he will before I can and make them assume that is what is going to happen,” I finish defeated as I take a seat across from him in the black leather chair.
“Have you told your dad any of this? Does he know that this is what you are doing?” Austin says, his voice is cautious as he says it.
I can’t muster anything other than to shake my head at what he says, if my dad knows he is waiting to destroy whatever I have been attempting to build with Vanessa. He made that crystal clear to me over the years even more now that she is home. I watch Austin as he leans on his desk and looks at me for a moment before speaking again.
“Garrett wanted you to do this. He came to you about buying the land and you were the one that told him it would be you reinvesting in the farm to get it out of debt. I think Garrett knew what he was doing. He knew Vanessa would come home if anything ever happened to him. He knew you two needed to work through all that shit that happened. He trusted you, not your father to broker the deal. He knew that you aren’t your father,” He says taking a sip of his own water.
I have never thought about it like that. That Garrett Harvell had some grand scheme to get me and his daughter to work through our shit. I have always respected Vanessa’s dad he was more of a father to me before and after the accident that my own is. It makes sense that Garrett had to of known that Vanessa would hear about it after the deal had closed. Even if he hadn’’t of died she would have heard about it. Whether that be from her own mother or Natalie. I don’t doubt that in typical Vanessa form she would have been on a plane to try and stop it either. Thus we would have had to face it then too.
“I guess he did. I don’t know what to say to her Austin or how she is going to take it. It’s like every time I think we can get somewhere the past rears its ugly head at us.” I say leaning forward as my right hand rubs the back of my neck in tension.
I can hear the crunch of a wrapper on his desk and watch as Austin open up one of those power bar things he loves. I stare at him only he would think now would be the time for him to stuff his face while I am faced with this decision. He smiles at me like he is reading my mind for a moment and in pure need to drive me in annoyance takes a bite. He’s lucky he’’s my best friend because otherwise I have no clue how we could get along if we weren’t.
“Did it ever occur to you that maybe Vanessa just needs the truth from you about everything? Like how you were a jackass after the accident and make some really stupid and shitty decisions? How you’ve been pinning about her since then? Jesus Jake we aren’t in high school anymore talk to her,” He replies, as if it is the clearest and the easiest thing in the world.
He’s not me though. He doesn’t have these thoughts swirling in his head twenty four seven. Thoughts about how wrong I was, how everything went to shit after the accident. I feel desperate and lost all at once and the only thing that I have been clinging to is the hope that she is back. I know how crazy that sounds, how crazy that looks. However, right now it is the only thing that I have left everything else is gone.
“Jake”
His voice prompts me back to reality and Austin playing with the wrapper in his hands before he tosses it into the trash. He never misses and I often wondered how he put his life back together after everything that happened. He still holds on the evidence clear as day on his desk a picture of him and my sister rock climbing together that summer. I look at him as he picks up the frame to look at the picture for a moment a small smile on his face before he sits it back down.
“I miss her.” He says and I can’t help but nod my head, as he continues, “She’d want you to be happy.”
“I know,” I say my voice trembling saying it out loud leaves an echo on the room.
Unspoken words that years later imprint on me. Leave me unsettled. I hear my phone ring and look at the text from Jessica and I want to roll my eyes. She apparently can’t take a hint if me ignoring her calls, nudes and texts. Not to mention how I avoid her like the plague at work. Sighing I stuff it back into my pocket and Austin looks at me with a smile of victory.
“Jess?”
I don’t dignify him with a response before he busts out in laughter over his desk at the implication that I am hiding and running away from Jessica. It’s really not his business, but then again it may be I keep coming to him for advice about my love life. Picking up one of those dumb power bars I toss it at him to make him shut up but that only seems to fuel him more. When he doesn’t stop my mouth opens and the first of my own fits of laughter fill the room. I don’t know how long we stay there like that until it subsides and a feeling of small freedom settles over me.
“I was thinking I might attend that show that some of her student are going to be at. I figured that might be a good mutual place to talk,” I say my face dead serious, as I look at Austin who seems to be pondering the proposition.
“Paige gave me, you and Shane some tickets to that fundraiser at the hospital in a few weeks. Natalie and Kyle will be there too. Paige got us a table and everything. I know she mentioned Vanessa was going too. Why don’t you guys talk then I know your dad won’t be going. The show is in Bedford,” Austin offers passing me an invitation to the West Lake Memorial hospital fundraiser.
Bedford where my mother and her new husband live. Her new family that she left me and my father for. I realize I can’t go to the show to see Vanessa the chances of running into my mother are too high. Once again I stare at the invitation the gold letters drawing me in. One of the few black and white tie events that Paige’s parents throw every year in town to help with funds for long care term patients that need it something they started after the accident. I haven’t been to a party with Vanessa since that summer at my parents own party where we snuck off into the guest house together and the memory is bittersweet as I stare at the invitation. Austin’s phone starts to ring on his desk
and it jolts me back to the here and the now. He looks at me for a moment before picking it up to answer and he turns his attention back to the computer filling in more lessons at the gym.
I walk to the door waving a hand at him as I leave and begin making my way out of the gym to the parking lot. Kyle offers me a wave as I leave and I wave back. I see Paige grab her gym bag from the backseat of her car when I finally reach the parking lot and she looks at me a small smile on her face.
“Hey did Austin give you invitation?” She asks moving the bag on her arm adjusting the strap.
“Yeah, he did but I’m not sure about it Paige. I have a lot going on at work.” I say not even able to finish my sentence as she cuts me off point blank.
“Bullshit I’ll let my mom know you’re coming.”
I am left in the parking lot staring at her as she marches her way inside the gym and I tap the invitation against the palm of my left hand. I guess I have a party to attend, one that an excuse is not going to cut it to get out of. Getting inside my truck I place the invitation on the passenger seat before turning the key in the engine and driving away.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Vanessa
I LOOK AT Emma in her saddle outside the practice ring in Bedford three towns over a few weeks later for a show. Her nerves are showing they have been in training for a few weeks. She is set to ride in another hour and in warm ups she looked unsteady. Just now she looked more comfortable than she had been in months, a sign that she is listening to what we tell her. I know she has it in her. Hank knows she has it in her but Emma is a reserved rider, afraid to take chances. Helping her down she takes off her riding helmet as she looks at me.
“How was that?” She asks, her voice shaking a bit.
“It was good open him up a bit more in the reins but then you have it,” I reply inspecting the saddle when she gets down just to make sure everything is still in place.
“My parents said you were really good. My dad is happy you are training me not that Hank is or was a bad trainer but he thinks I can learn a lot from you. He keeps asking if you’ve gotten back on a horse yet. I have to remind him that I’m the one taking lessons. Though maybe one day you can show me,” She says taking her water bottle out of her backpack for a drink.
“I’m flattered Hank is the best in the business though the man knows more about horses than I do. He and my dad grew up in the business. I’m just here to help out and give pointers,” I say turning around to face her after I am done.
I’ve been avoiding her questions about ridding for a few months now. Hanks says getting back on London would be healthy for me a way to heal from everything I want to believe him. There is also this linger fear in the back of my head that if I start to ride again I will enjoy it remember what it was like. Remember that it was something that I used to do with Hannah and my friends. In the past that was my release from the crazy in my life, the focus and over the years I have been able to bury it when I wasn’t home. Recently though I catch myself sometimes in the stable eager to ride again.
“You were really good all I am saying is that I’d like to see you ride someday.” Emma says.
Even in her teenage state I see a hunger in her that reminds me of myself when I was that age. The need to compete to be the best at the sport I was unsteady for a while to when I was chasing the dream. Luckily I had a great coach in Hank and my father. When I was unsteady they would hop on and show me how it was done to make sure that I knew how to correct. Hank is older now and I don’t expect him to get up on Emma’s mare and be able to show her the correct positions she needs to make the adjustments.
“I’ll think about it.” I say it in part truth and part lie I have no idea when I will really be able to get back literally in the saddle with a lot of my life. I know though how a student and trainer relationship can go and if I can give her a slight hope that one day I may be able to move past my fear for her I will.
Emma nods her head at me for a moment before she sees her parents appear and I nod my head at her she has a while to go before she rides. If it helps calm her nerves to watch the competition with her parents she should go. I turn my attention back to her gelding and recheck everything again. My fingers brush the black shiny leather of the English saddle remembering how to sit in it. The way it feels underneath a rider how it balances the horse and every decision that horse and rider make.
“Vanessa?”
The voice is not one that I have heard in four years and I turn to see Jake’s mother, Karen looking at me. I awkwardly nod my head at her not sure what to say to her after all these years, sorry will never be enough for what I put her family through. Her eyes show a kindness in them that I know I don’t deserve, one that causes me to take the reins in my hand and run my fingers over the leather to calm myself I deserve what is coming and whatever she says to me.
“How are you?” She continues and I stare at her unable to say anything back to the woman whose life I destroyed.
“Mrs. Donovan.” I manage to whisper I am shocked by the next words out of her mouth.
“It’s Bradford now.” Her voice is quiet too.
I learn something in this it is not her maiden name, she remarried. I know from the talk with my mother that she and Alan divorced after the accident.
“I’m sorry.”
It comes out as a mumble when I know I owe her more than that. When my eyes finally met hers there is slight tears there and she simply nods her head at me. Taking a few steps to the horse she runs her hand on its neck.
“I thought that was you in the stands my step-daughter is riding today. I wanted you to know I don’t blame you anymore.” Her voice cracks a little and I can tell she is fighting back the tears. I don’t deserve this but I steady myself as she continues. “I did at first. I was angry that you lived while she died. I was angry that God took her from me. Jake likes to carry the world on his shoulders. I could see how much losing you hurt him. The only child I had left. I just wanted you to know that I don’t blame you. You looked at your phone you took your eyes off the road for a few seconds I’ve done it countless times.”
I can’t do anything at the moment put listen to her pour her heart out to me and guilt washes over me I reached down for my phone. I should have been watching the road, we rolled the Jeep. A lot of that night is fuzzy to me I was in a medical coma for over a week to keep the swelling down. Even with seatbelts Hannah had died. My parents and others told me it was a terrible accident. I knew different I still do, it was my fault. I want to tell her to stop with the forgiveness it is something that I can’t accept from her. Only she continues as she looked at me.
“He likes to blame the accident for his father and I splitting up. We were unhappy long before the accident. In some ways I think it had to happen like this. So that I could leave Alan and be happy. I just wanted to say hello and let you know.” She reaches out and touches my hair.
I don’t even realize that my cheeks are wet with tears or that my lip is quivering I don’t deserve this. I can see she is crying as well and before I know what is going on she embraces me pulling me close and I lose it. Years pour out in those moments with her and we stand there in silence for what seems like forever before she pulls back and wipes at her eyes. I do the same a small feeling of freedom washing over me when she pulls out a tattered journal from her purse. Its Hannah’s from that last year we spent together her photography journal where she kept all her secrets. Taking the journal from her open the cover and see the picture from the start of riding season there. Me, Hannah and Paige smiles on our faces my fingers trace it for a few seconds as Karen speaks again.
“I think she would have wanted you to have it. It was according to her the best year she had with you and Paige. With Austin. With her brother. You were such an important part of her life and I didn’t realize that sooner. I should have.” She says, I swear I see her release a breath that she is holding. The announcer calls a Scarlett Bradford to the ring. “Well I should get back. If you see Ja
ke will you show that him?”
I don’t know what to say to her instead I simply nod my head at her. It seems to be the answer she has wanted as she turns on her heel to walk away back into the enclosed arena. Sitting down on the bale of hay by Emma’s horse my hands shake a little as I hold the journal her words echoing about if I see Jake to give it to him. Is that her way of giving me some type of blessing on everything that has happened? I am not sure how long I sit there before a hand touches my shoulder that causes me to jump and I look at my sister.
“What is that?” Natalie asks, handing me a hot dog with mustard on it just like when we were kids.
“Hannah’s journal. Karen came by and she said she wanted me to have it.” My voice is quiet a little hoarse from the tears that I tried earlier.
“Wow.” My sister lets out.
“Yeah wow.” I reply still in shock myself.
I turn the page slightly to see a picture of Jake and I. The red dress him in a tuxedo for his parent’s around New Year’s party. Hannah snapped it right before he took my hand led me to the guest house where he stripped me bare and we made love over and over that night. The memories become too overwhelming for me and I close the journal. Hearing Emma’s name being called I see her round the corner with her parents before placing the journal inside my own purse. Grateful to run away once again from the good happy times.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Jake
(Two-weeks later)
STEPPING INTO THE hospital fundraiser I shake a few hands on my way inside seeing our group at the table towards the back of the room. Paige looks lovely sitting next to Shane and I swear they are looking at each other like they did years ago. Austin is nursing a drink leaning back discussing something with Kyle and Natalie. My eyes finally land on her, Vanessa. She is dressed in red and I am pretty sure the world stops for a moment when her gaze lands on me. Red has always been gorgeous on her, accenting her eyes and her skin. Tonight however is different it is like I am looking at her for the first time in a decade. I suppose I am it is the first time in years I’ve seen her look like this.