by Venice Kelly
“Hey Jake,” Shane says standing from the table shaking my hand.
Austin rises to do the same and my eyes are still fixed on Vanessa’s. A hint of color fills her cheeks and I am not sure if it is from embarrassment or because she’s been looking at me too. Shane clears his throat, as I watch Paige jab him in the ribs before she pulls him out of his chair and to the dance floor. Austin plays with his glass of liquor on the table before he gets up to leave.
“Let’s dance Nat,” Kyle’s voice breaks me out of my thoughts and before I can object or she can Kyle leads Natalie away as well. Leaving just the two of us at the table.
“You look amazing,” I say softly still standing over her.
“Thanks,” Her voice is soft when she speaks delicate even and before she can object or again run away from me I take a seat next to her at the table.
I can tell she wants to leave run away as she turns her body slightly away from me. Determined I place my hand gently on her exposed arm, my fingers caressing her forearm. I feel her relax at my touch and I release a breath I didn’t realize I have been holding. I don’t want her to fear me anymore or hate me. I don’t want to hurt her or blame her.
“Don’t go,” I say softly wanting her to stay just like this for a little while longer. Even if it is to stare into her eyes and get lost in them.
“We shouldn’t be doing this. Too much has happened,” Her voice is barely audible as the music hums softly behind us.
I lean into her she smells like musk with strawberries a hint of floral behind it. Closing my eyes I don’t know what I am doing anymore. She is probably right it is something that hasn’t stopped running through my mind since she came home. So much has happened and did happen. All I know is that now she is home I don’t want her to go again. I’m not sure I can let her go again. Moving some hair out of her face I push it behind her ear. I watch her as she bites her bottom lip waiting for me to say something to her. I don’t know what to say to her. If I refute her it will only end up pushing her away and if I agree I think she will do the same.
I do the next best thing I can think of in that moment my fingers brush her jaw lightly to turn her head to mine gently. Leaning in I press my lips to hers, gently exploring every space she will allow. We don’t have to talk the rest of the night in my mind we don’t have to do anything other than this. My hand gently cups her face and I savor the moment collecting it deep in my memories. Her hands reach to the back of my neck where she tugs at the hair. It’s something that has always made me want her even more and now is no different. Leaning my head slightly I go to deepen the kiss only for her to pull back and stare at me.
“I mean it Jake,” Her voice trails off and her eyes dart away from mine and it feels like she is stabbing me repeatedly in my chest.
“No you don’t.” I say it more for myself than I do for her.
“You don’t know that or me anymore.”
“But I want too. That is what I’ve been trying to show you and tell you. I want you in my life Vanessa,” My voice is pleading at this point. Wanting her to see what I do her being back has changed everything for me again for us again.
“You don’t know what you want and even if you did this time-”
She is cut off when Paige’s mother takes the stage a smile on her face for an announcement for the party. “Thank you all so much for coming tonight is a night of charity and to of course support those that can’t afford the care that the hospital provides with insurance falls through. If you would all turn your care to the screen and those that we have helped in the past.”
My attention is caught between her and the screen and horror fills me a few moments into the slideshow when gruesome pictures of the accident fill the screen. The wrecked Jeep followed by pictures of the ambulance. Pictures of my sister and Vanessa on stretchers. I hear the whispers in the crowd, my eyes land on Paige who is in shock as is her mother.
My stomach drops at the photo of Vanessa outside of her hospital room I am nowhere in sight. I remember that day I went to the hospital and sat in the parking lot unable to get out and see her. I glance over at her, her head is held high. Her hands shaking, gently I reach out to her and she flinches before pushing back the seat. Austin and Shane are making their way to the projector to stop the damn slideshow. while Paige and Natalie are making their way through the crowd to our table. I attempt to reach out for her only for her to look at me, tears flowing down her face before she walks away.
“Vanessa.” My voice is weak when it comes out and I move to go after her when Shane appears placing his hand on my shoulder. Looking around I see that the slideshow has stopped and people are still looking over at me.
“Jesus who in the hell?” I manage to say looking at him.
“I don’t know. Paige said that is not the slideshow that she and her mother put together. I was there when they were working on it. It was for current patients and even then Paige would never do that to either of you.” Shane says, as he scans the crowd for an answer to my question.
“Just find out who did this.”
I don’t know what else to tell him on the matter he’s a fucking firefighter, he can find out who it was or use some of his fancy contacts. I don’t think anyone could ever be that cruel to her or to me. To our friends my stomach sinks for a bit as I move to the doors intent on finding her to make sure she is okay. Shane stares at me as I go and I realize he’s been waiting for me to this for years to move. To go after the woman that still holds so much of me and I’m about to prove him right.
***
Wandering outside of the hospital I search for her I know she didn’t leave because both Natalie and Paige are still here. I know she doesn’t drive and walking down the hallways of the hospital I pass various rooms. It feels like she would go here for the air for a moment of clarity. Turning the corner I finally spot her knees drawn to her chest, tears streaming down her face. She looks broken and a part of me remembers I did that to her. Her eyes glance up at me filled with so much guilt and tears that she is fighting back. I have debated this moment how it would play out in my head over and over again for the last four years. I half expected us to be yelling at each other casting blame but I never imagined it would be this.
“What do you want Jake?” She asks before she turns away to wipe at her eyes no doubt wiping the tears off her face.
“I wanted to make sure you were okay,” I say looking at her and then watching as she takes a collective breath. I can tell she is trying to not trying to cry more.
“Well as you can see I’m fine,” She says bitterly and I am not sure if it is aimed at me or at herself.
“No you’re not.” I can see she wants to push me away again.
Instead I dig my heels in lowering myself down next to her on the grass the cool cement of the walls along my dress shirt. She is still rocking back and forth, unable to let her deal with this alone I wrap my arm around her pulling her close to me. I barely contain my own grief in that very moment. She buries her head into my shoulder, tears soaking my shirt as she cries.
“I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”
Her words rip through me as she repeats it over and over again, clutching me like a life raft on the ocean. My hand goes to her back rubbing her exposed skin softly trying to calm her down. I have my own tears in my eyes. I’m sorry to for everything that happened that night. The stupid fight we got into about Jessica at the party, for letting her leave with Hannah. I close my eyes men aren’t supposed to cry that is something that my father has always has said. I’ve cried in front of him once at Hannah’s funeral. The other tears have been in private on and off over the years and they’ve always involve the woman in my arms weeping and sobbing. Moving my hand up to her hair I stroke her hair pulling her closer.
“I know.” I say quietly my hand never leaving her hair.
It feels like a start for us and even if it is a fleeting moment of weakness. I don’t ever want it to end. I want to hold it and bank it into memory. I
don’t know what else to say, at the moment there is nothing else to say or do other than sit there. I feel the tears slip down my face as I pull her closer and my other hand cradles her closer. She doesn’t answer or push me away when I do it. Her hand comes up to cover my own and we sit there embanked in silence.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
Vanessa
(Four Years Earlier)
CLOSING THE DOOR to my Jeep I glance over at Hannah in the passenger seat, as she grabs her bags from the back seat. It’s summer meaning we spend a lot of time up at the Donovan cabin away from the farm, school and responsibility. Hannah had wanted to come up earlier than the rest of our group insisting to spend some time in the serenity. No doubt to focus on her other love photography. In the back of my head it’s supposed to be a nice relaxing three day weekend at the cabin with my friends and the man I love. Her brother Jake, my boyfriend has been acting weird since he came home from school a few weeks ago. I’d like to think that things are alright between Jake and I. We’ve been together since senior year in high school, he’s graduating in the fall and despite his parents’ objection and separate colleges we seem to make it work.
“When are Paige and Shane getting here?” I ask following Hannah’s movements grabbing my own weekender bag.
Hannah is taller than me by a few inches, her copper hair pulled back in a braid that allows her freckles to show a bit. The sunlight definitely brings out the hint of gold in her brown eyes. She smile at me as we walk up the steps.
“After Shane gets in from basic training at the airport.” She says with a shrug. Hannah knows me well and turns to me at the door knowing what is on my mind and has been for a few weeks. “Everything is fine with you and Jake. He’s just under a lot of stress from my parents at the moment. So quit worrying.”
“That’s easy for you to say. You have Austin close to you when you are at college. Austin drives up to see you whenever he can and doesn’t leave your relationship to texts, Skyping and the occasional hook-up when he can pencil you in. Then when you come home for the summer Austin is there for you and hasn’t been pushing you away. Not to mention every time we do get to hang out your parents are always bringing Jessica and her parents around.” I say my tone is harsh when I know it shouldn’t be.
I’ve been a bitch the past few weeks, the nice thing about Hannah despite being with her brother she’s still my best friend. She is still willing to kick my ass into gear when it is needed or smack me upside the head. It is what I love about our friendship. I always thought she would think it was weird when Jake and I hooked up. I was wrong she had been thrilled when she found out.
Placing our bags in the doorway Hannah rolls her eyes before walking through the cabin. Which is massive much like anything the Donovan’s do or have. Throwing open the back curtains she lets the sunlight into the house before turning around to look at me. I probably look crazy when it comes to Jake. She knows that and I know that placing her hands in her pockets she looks at me something I know she does when she’s trying to cover for her brother.
“Hannah?” I press folding my arms at her. For a moment I dread what she is about to say only for it to completely catch me off guard.
“Jake isn’t going to go to work for my dad alright? He asked my mom for our grandmothers’ ring and everything. He picked you. This weekend he had all these plans that is why he has been so weird. I wasn’t supposed to tell you but you’ve been moody about it for weeks.” She says flopping down on the couch to look at me again. “You are an idiot if you think Jake would ever hurt you with Jessica.”
Plans the way she says it takes a moment to linger in my head before I realize what she implies and then it hits me. He’s been talking about a future for us for over a year. He asked for his grandmother’s ring meaning he wants to make good on those plans. I still have school left which I am determined to finish, he just graduated. While he has a job lined up with his father, I also know that he has no desire to work for Allan. I’m speechless if anything at her declaration mouth agape I take a seat next to her on the couch.
“Wow.” I say realizing when she raises her eyebrows at me that is not the reaction that I should be having. I feel her rib my side and I take a breath to steady myself as the next words roll off her tongue.
“Jake loves you, like worships you. He just had finals the past few months. He was applying for jobs to get out from under our dad. You and I had finals and then championships. I think he wanted to make sure the moment was right you know?” Hannah says a slight pause for a moment before she continues. “Vanessa Harvell are you saying that you don’t want to marry my brother whom I remind you, you have been crazy about since we were teenagers?”
“Of course I do. I just wasn’t expecting this.”
Her eyes are soft as she looks at me leaning in and wrapping her arms around me, “Soon we’ll be sisters for real. You and Jake love each other. Nothing can come between that unless you both let it.”
***
Present Day
Reality coldly pulls me out of the memory of that weekend who knew my life would change in a matter of hours. Literally hours, we went from sitting on the couch looking at the sunshine to mangled metal and glass in a matter of hours. Things did come between us. Things that left me broken beyond repair or so I always thought. The biggest was that she was no longer there. An ache fills me when I think about that moment, the last moment of happiness that I had with her. When I felt that life made sense, that I had a future here at home.
The pictures from the slideshow are still engraved in my head as my chest rises and falls. At least the sobbing has stopped. Jake’s arms are still wrapped around me and I try to not let that affect me the way it is. He didn’t have to come check on me to see if I was alright but he did. He didn’t have to wrap my in his arms and stroke my hair. He didn’t have to pull me to him and let me feel safe again but he did. My throat tightens not wanting this moment to end, I can hear the crickets chirping in the air and I know this moment is fleeting.
“It’s getting chilly out. We should probably head back inside. Are you alright?” Jake’s voice is quiet when he says it, his thumb absently rubbing my bare shoulder.
I don’t know what to say to him, so like an idiot I nod my head against his now white shirt that has my mascara and eyeshadow all over it. I take in a breath smelling that orange and spice cologne he wears before I pull away from him. His eyes look at mine speaking to me silently there is still a longing in them a desire in them. I move to wipe at my eyes only for his thumbs to caress my checks before he does it for me. It is an old gesture one that he would do often before we drowned out the world together.
“I probably look like a raccoon at the moment.” I manage to mumble. My voice is shaky for a moment and I see a small smile appear on his lips.
“Nah that could never be possible. Maybe a raccoon with rabies. Kidding.” He says trying to make me laugh and it seems to work and the small tension between us. That disappears finally when I shake my head at him and laugh. “I haven’t heard that in years. I missed that too.”
I sit there in the grass for a moment before he pulls back and takes off his suit jacket wrapping it around my shoulders. I am not even sure how long we have been outside and as I go to ask him for the time the footsteps coming on the sidewalk snap us back to reality. My sister and Kyle round the corner and she looks between us.
“There you are,” She says looking between me and Jake and then back at me.
“Here I am,” I offer not sure if I should be annoyed with her or not. Knowing she means well looking for me. Still it felt like Jake and I were finally getting somewhere.
“Here you are. I figured we should get home. It’s getting late and they’re wrapping up inside we have those new boarders coming tomorrow. I’ll meet at the car.” She says looking between us. I nod my head her before she turns and walks back down the sidewalk.
“I should probably get going. Next thing you know she is going to send a search party out f
or me,” I say taking off his jacket I hand it back to him.
“What are you doing the rest of the week?”
“We have some boarders to check in and now that my dad’s finances don’t look like a mishandled mess I might be able to breathe. Paige wants to throw another get together at her place.”
“Cancel.”
“Why would I do that?”
“Because you’re going out with me instead.”
I stare at him dumbfounded at his declaration. I open my mouth to object only nothing comes out I have no reason to actually say no to him. I can watching him step towards me before leaning down his lips inches from mine.
“I have a lot of time to make up to you.” His thumb brushes my cheek before he speaks again. “I’ll walk you to Natalie’s car.”
I don’t realize that I am holding my breath when he speaks, hoping that he will kiss me again until he moves away. I know I’m in trouble with him. I always have been and that is what frightens me. The attraction should have went away by now only it seems to have amplified. Placing his hand on the lower part of my back, we walk down the sidewalk in silence.
CHAPTER TWENTY
Jake
A WEEK LATER I am inside my bedroom looking at myself in the mirror I am pretty sure I’ve changed outfits twice in the last hour. I feel like a teenager all over again when it comes to taking Vanessa Harvell out. I still don’t know how to explain it all to my father and for both of our sakes he is out of town till next month. His newest catch is some starry eyed college student. One of many I learned about after my parents divorced. This time I learned about her when Jessica returned from the flower store with roses handing them off to dark haired college intern. Over the week we’ve texted back and forth the night of the fundraiser. Discussing the date, both agreeing on some drinks, a light dinner and line dancing at McGill’s. Something I am not sure she is doing to avoid us getting intimate again or because it is likely that Paige will be there with the possibility of Shane showing up too.