Killer Kale Chips
Page 17
"I wouldn't commit murder, Ruby." Regardless of my reasons, it was the truth.
"We're different then. Who cares?" Ruby's face went blank for a moment. Then she nodded slowly, as if she'd reached a conclusion. "I might as well go out in a blaze. I have nothing to live for anymore."
Well, I certainly had plenty to live for. My wedding, for starters!
I quickly reviewed my chance at escape. Busting past her to get to the door wouldn't work. My best bet was probably to leave the dressing room with her and then escape out on the floor. Of course, if she really wanted to go out with a blaze would she harm other shoppers?
Could I take that risk to save my own life?
But what other option did I have? I was unarmed and alone. Maybe I'd just depart with her and then flee once outside?
Ruby stepped closer to me and pressed the barrel of the gun against my nose. "One dumb move, and I'll blow you away in the middle of the store along with anyone else who gets in my way. Got it?"
Holy chocolate babka! The dead look in her eyes freaked me out more than her words or action with the gun. She really believed she had nothing to live for.
And that made her scary and very, very dangerous.
Think, Piper! My only weapon was my mind. Oh, and my dark chocolate! The therapy of choice for desperate women everywhere. If anyone ever needed some dark chocolate-induced mood enhancement, it was Ruby-slash-Esther.
My plan gelled together faster than cornstarch in my low-fat turkey gravy. It was a risky move, but I had to spare the other shoppers.
"Do you mind if I have a bite of dark chocolate first to calm my nerves?" I used my saddest, most pleading voice.
Ruby considered my request. "Show me the inside of your bag first. I want to make sure you're not packing any heat."
"See?" I said, angling the bag's interior toward her. "Nothing inside but dark chocolate-covered cashews with a caramel filling." The caramel part was a teensy lie, but I was being held at gunpoint.
"You better be sharing." The command in her tone irritated me.
"Of course." I smiled at her. "A little tranquility is what we both need."
With one hand, I retrieved a few chocolates and handed them to her. As she fumbled to unwrap candy while holding the gun, I grabbed my little bottle of Tranquility essential oil spray.
And blasted it in Ruby's face.
She shrieked and grabbed at her eyes. I shoved her aside, tugged the door open, and stumbled out of the dressing rooms. I made sure to employ the serpentine maneuver described in my PI flash cards in case she started shooting. My pulse raced faster than my legs as I barreled into the women's dresses area.
"Help!" I yelled. "There's a woman in the dressing room with a gun. She's the Kale Chip Killer too!"
Pandemonium broke out as other shoppers screamed and ran for cover. Luckily, a saleswoman who looked like she moonlighted as a kickboxing instructor responded to my frantic cry for assistance. She called for backup, and the security team arrived within seconds.
Three buffed men dressed in black pants and shirts stormed the dressing room and emerged a few minutes later with Ruby in tow, her hands bound with plastic ties.
Ruby glared at me as the security guards marched her away. "Rude of you to lie about the chocolate."
I pinned her with an angry look. The nerve of her. "Rude of you to call my beloved auntie an old biddy. Oh and very rude of you to pull a gun on me."
"Doc? Are you all right?" Tex's voice rang out behind me.
I spun and ran into his arms. "I am now. Oh Tex." My erratic pulse slowed down but then sped up when I melted against his brick-of-dark-chocolate chest.
He held me tight and kissed the top of my head. "What happened?"
I told him the story while we waited for the police. If there was one thing I'd remember about our trip to New York City, it was giving statements to law enforcement. Once I was done talking, Tex shook his head.
"I feel so bad for scarfing pizza while you were being held at gunpoint in the dressing room, Doc."
I gave him my most seductive smile. "You can make it up to me."
* * *
Later that night, Aunt Alfa, Tex, Brownie, and I munched on Ken's Killer Kale Chips in our hotel room and watched Brownie's favorite movie, Babe. The serene family scene made it hard to believe I'd been held at gunpoint earlier and that we'd been involved with investigating two murders. After Ruby's arrest, the police identified her fingerprints on the cyanide-laced kale chip bag, and she'd confessed to two murders.
Veronica and Callie.
Poor Callie had been shot and dumped into the East River. If I hadn't seen Ruby forcing Callie into the cab that day, the police wouldn't have had the witness testimony needed to obtain a confession. And I'd provided them with Callie's photo album, a compelling piece of evidence.
Ken had been released with a full pardon, and although he was devastated about Callie's tragic death, he was relieved to be back at work. But we were more relieved that Ken's Killer Kale Chips would survive.
So was Brownie.
For my part in solving the murders, Ken shipped a huge supply of kale chips to our home in Sea Spray, as well as giving us a stash of his original Killer Kale Chips—untainted, of course—from his stock at the show.
All was fab in my world.
Actually, all was more than fab in my world because Tex and I had gotten our NYC marriage license, along with a judicial waiver to get married in less than twenty-four hours.
Tomorrow, Tex and I were getting married.
Holy chocolate babka to the nth degree!
EPILOGUE
To Love, Honor, and Eat Dark Chocolate
At one o'clock the next afternoon, my life changed forever.
Tex and I stood before Reverend Cooter in the courtyard garden of the Big Apple Hotel to become man and wife. I'd heard of bridezillas and nervous brides, but all I felt was deep-seated joy and excitement to become Mrs. Tattoo Tex.
"Dearly beloved, we's gathered here today to join the lovely Dr. Piper and her fine cowboy dude, Tattoo Tex, together in the most holy of matrimonies." Reverend Cooter rubbed a tear from the corner of his eye and wiped his hand on the pant leg of his white polyester Elvis suit.
Aunt Alfa had scolded Cooter earlier for upstaging the bride by wearing white, but I wasn't worried. My gown was more beautiful than any designer gown. Its crystal-laced bodice dazzled in the sunlight, creating a glorious sea of multicolored light that swirled around us. The dress's satin was a cool shade of white as opposed to a slightly ivory tone that made me look jaundiced, but the best feature of the gown was that there wasn't a piece of tulle anywhere.
Tex was a smart man.
I glanced at my soon-to-be husband as he stood beside me. The sparkle in his eyes reflected how I felt. Love for him consumed me and, truth be told, a little lust too.
His tuxedo fit him like a smooth black leather glove. His dark boots were shinier than polished obsidian. And his Stetson hat perfected his cowboy-model appearance.
Holy chocolate lava cake, does he look hot!
"It sure is a day of celebratin' when we come before God to commiserate—" Cooter squinted at his little dog-eared book. "Oops. Sorry, folks. I meant 'when we come before God to commemorate the sacred love shared between Dr. Piper and Tattoo Tex.'"
Aunt Alfa stifled a sob and shifted beside me. I gave her a smile. She pressed a tissue to her teal-lined eyes, which were a perfect match to the color of her dress. The sequins on her dress glittered in the sun, but what was more brilliant was the bond we all shared.
Tex, Aunt Alfa, Brownie, and I were officially a family now.
"The Good Book tells us," Cooter continued, "that love is patient and kind. It ain't envious, and it don't boast none. It ain't proud or rude neither. Love always protects, trusts, hopes, and perceives."
Tex gently squeezed my hand and winked at me.
Cooter cleared his throat and peered at his book. "I mean, love always perseveres. The bottom line
is, folks, love never fails."
My eyes welled up because that was true. Our love hadn't failed through dead bodies, murder investigations, dung-beetle hair days, texts from beyond the grave, piglet tulle attacks, and Ronald-McDonald-look-alike cabbies.
Tex and I had the real deal. The kind of love that inspired fairy tales.
Cooter gazed at us. "Who gives this woman to be married today?"
Aunt Alfa stood as tall in her patent leather Mary Janes as her barely five-foot frame would allow. "I do." She turned and pressed a kiss onto each of my cheeks and clasped my hands in hers. "I love you, Pipe," she whispered. "You're the daughter I never had."
Aw. "I love you, Aunt Alfa." I wiped away a tear as she took her seat on a folding chair next to Brownie.
Cooter shifted and looked around the quiet courtyard. The only attendees were the reverend, Tex, Aunt Alfa, Brownie, and me.
"I don't see anyone respondin' to this next part, but I got to ask." Cooter turned the page and read the words. "Is there anyone who has cause to believe that Dr. Piper and Tattoo Tex shouldn't be joined together in holy matrimony? Speak now or forever hold your peace."
Someone's cell phone chimed.
Tex and I exchanged looks, our eyes silently questioning whether we should read the text. Only one person, or ghost actually, could have sent it.
Mystic Ming.
I was going to pass on Mystic Ming's message, but then another chime rang out. I turned around and looked at Aunt Alfa. "Is that your phone?"
Aunt Alfa nodded. "You want to see what he has to say, Pipe, or bag it? Doesn't matter to me. Whatever you two kids want."
The phone chimed again.
Tex smiled. "I reckon we ought to see what Mystic Ming has to say."
"What kind of name is Mystic Ming? And what does he have to do with the question I just asked?" Cooter's questions were legitimate, but I wasn't going to offer an explanation.
Aunt Alfa reached beneath her seat for her purse and removed her cell phone. She tapped the screen and smiled. "Ming's being nice. He says, For once, you do something smart, Dr. Piper, by marrying cowboy."
I rolled my eyes. For Mystic Ming, however, that was nice.
"Mystic Ming's second message says, I see long life for you and cowboy filled with lots of fun and many more dead bodies and murders for you to solve. Then he says, You and cowboy get new piglet. Congratulations."
Brownie lifted his snout toward the heavens. Wwwweeee!
"You'd like a sibling, wouldn't you?" Aunt Alfa said to Brownie as she returned her cell phone to her purse.
Wwwweeee!
Tex and I laughed and turned around to face Cooter.
Cooter's face was nearly scrunched beyond recognition. "I don't know what you folks is talkin' about, but let's get back to this here wedding." His gaze swung between Tex and me. "The vows you make today are sacred and binding for all time and eternity. Tex, you may begin."
Tex turned to me and took my hands into his. "I, Tattoo Tex, take you, Doc, to be my lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or worse, for richer or poorer. I promise to be true to you in good times and bad, in sickness and in wellness. I promise to love, honor, and eat dark chocolate with you all the days of my life, until God by death shall separate us. This is my solemn vow." He lifted his hand to wipe a tear from his cheek.
I stifled a sob and made quick use of the tissue Aunt Alfa had handed me.
Cooter sniffled. "Dr. Piper, your turn."
I took in a deep breath and composed myself. "I, Piper, take you, Tattoo Tex, to be my lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or worse, for richer or poorer. I promise to be true to you in good times and bad, in sickness and in wellness. I promise to love, honor, and eat dark chocolate with you all the days of my life, until God by death shall separate us. This is my solemn vow."
Yes! I made it through the vows without breaking down, which meant my eye makeup was still intact.
"Dr. Piper and Tex, please face one another and join hands." Cooter turned toward me. "Under the eyes of God, Dr. Piper, do you take Tattoo Tex to be your lawfully wedded husband? By making this commitment, you are joining in the sacred cov'nant of marriage."
I had no hesitation. "I do."
Cooter turned toward Tex. "Under the eyes of God, Tattoo Tex, do you take Dr. Piper to be your lawfully wedded wife? By making this commitment, you are joining in the sacred cov'nant of marriage."
Tex's eyes welled up. "I reckon I do."
"Time for the rings," Cooter said to Aunt Alfa.
Aunt Alfa nudged Brownie, who leapt onto his hooves. His tux was super cute with its white satin heart pillow sewn on the back. I crouched down and called Brownie. He toddled over and lay beside me.
Wwwweeee!
I laughed and untied the white ribbon binding our rings. Unbeknownst to me, Tex had managed to find himself a ring in addition to my dress. I pressed a light kiss onto Brownie's snout, and Tex lifted me upright.
Cooter took the rings from me. "To make it official, you may now exchange rings. The circle formed by each ring symbolizes your eternal love and commitment to each other. Let these rings remind you always of the love and promises you two's made here today." Cooter handed us each other's rings. "Please repeat after me as you place the ring on your beloved's hands."
I went first. "I, Piper, give you, Tattoo Tex, this ring as a symbol of my love and commitment. With this ring, I thee wed."
Next was Tex. "I, Tattoo Tex, give you, Doc, this ring as a symbol of my love and commitment. With this ring, I thee wed."
"By the power vested in me by the Universalist Life Church," Cooter announced proudly, "and by the fine state of New York, I now pronounce you two man and wife. Go ahead and kiss her, Tattoo Tex."
Tex pulled me in for a kiss filled with love, devotion, and promises. My soul was the happiest it had ever been. No amount of dark chocolate or sparkly makeup could ever rival the feeling of contentedness that swirled through me.
I thought back to the crazy trip to Manatee, Florida, with Aunt Alfa and realized that the insanity of Mystic Ming's murder investigation, where I'd met Tex when he'd helped me solve the murder, had led me to this moment in time.
To my destiny.
I kissed Tex with a ferocity I normally reserved for behind closed doors. But I didn't care. I was so in love with my husband. We came up for air, and Aunt Alfa slipped her arms around me.
"Aw, Pipe. I'm so happy for you. Congratulations." Then she hugged Tex. "And you too. I love that I've gained a nephew."
Tex beamed. "I reckon you have."
Wwwweeee! Brownie wove around my ankles, eager to join the party. Words eluded me. I'd finally found my happy place in the world and couldn't imagine my life without Tex—now my husband!—or Aunt Alfa or Brownie.
"You's ready for the wedding song?" Cooter held a microphone and stood near an amplifier. "'Cause I's ready to rock and roll, King-style."
"Go ahead, Cooter," Tex said as he turned toward me. He held out his hand like a gentleman. "Doc Wife, may I have this dance?"
I smiled and placed my hand in his.
The familiar song—our song—started up, and tears filled my eyes. But I didn't care about my makeup anymore. Tex guided me in a lovely waltz on the patio to Cooter's rendition of Fools Rush In. When Cooter got to the chorus, Tex leaned close to my ear and sang the romantic words quietly.
Then he brushed a tendril of my wavy hair away from my cheek. "I love you, Doc."
"I love you, Tex." I paused. "Forever."
* * * * *
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* * * * *
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Patrice Lyle loves green smoothies, dark chocolate, mysteries, and humor. She wove these elements together when she created the He
alth Nut Mysteries, a cozy series about a naturopathic doctor who solves mysteries at health expos. Patrice also writes paranormal young adult and middle grade fiction, as well as holistic medical suspense. She has an MA in Writing Popular Fiction and a PhD in Holistic Nutrition. She's also a Certified Traditional Naturopath. She now lives in Florida with her husband and two kitties, and is a firm believer in the theory that laughter is the best medicine.
To learn more about Patrice Lyle, visit her online at: https:/patricebooks.com
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BOOKS BY PATRICE LYLE
Health Nut Mysteries:
Killer Kung Pao
Killer Carat Cream
Killer Conch Shell (short story in the Killer Beach Reads collection)
Killer Kale Chips
Holistic Medical Fiction:
Glisten
Teen Fiction:
Lethally Blonde
Tween Fiction:
The Case of the Invisible Witch
The Case of the Washed Up Warlock
Non-fiction:
Many Genres, One Craft
* * * * *
SNEAK PEEK
If you enjoyed this Health Nut Mysteries book check out this sneak peek of another exciting novel from Gemma Halliday Publishing:
INVITATION TO MURDER
by
BETH PRENTICE
* * * * *
Like trees our lives grow in many directions,
Yet our roots keep us connected!
Westport Television Network reunion
Catch up with old friends and reminisce as you hunt for a murderer!
Saturday 23rd August
1 Television Avenue
Westport
The fun will begin at 5 pm and finish when the sun rises, so bring your sleuthing skills!