Gabriel considered his words. “Eliza, you don’t have to confide in me,” he said. “But I need you to listen for a minute. Okay? What you did? Was not an act of selfishness. It was an act of desperation. Right now you feel guilty because you see how upset your mother is, how concerned everyone is. You feel like you’ve caused them unnecessary pain and stress and that just reinforces the feeling that they’d be better off without you. That feeling you had when you were alone in the bathroom, that helplessness, desperation, fear, that feeling that was so big and overwhelming—that’s been building up for so long that you can probably barely remember life before it—until it was so big and so overwhelming that you couldn’t see any way around it, or under it, or over it, or through it, and it was pressing against you until you couldn’t breathe.
“Tell me if I’m wrong,” he said.
Her eyes were shimmering, her lips pressed together.
“Eliza, that feeling is a lie but that doesn’t make it unreal. It’s okay to ask for help—we all need help sometimes.”
She turned her face toward him, and the tears rolling down her cheeks nearly broke his heart. “What am I supposed to do?” she whispered.
“I wish I could give you a specific answer to that,” he said. “But you’re supposed to do whatever you need to do to survive, to be comfortable, to be happy. Eliza, you’re young. Your life will be a surprise no matter how well you try to plan—”
“Did she tell you I’m pregnant?” she muttered.
“You must’ve been scared when you realized,” he said.
“She thinks someone…hurt me…because I don’t have a boyfriend…”
“Did someone hurt you?” he asked.
She shook her head on the pillow, fresh tears spilling down her cheeks. “I…I don’t…I can’t…” Her hands were fisted into the blanket, and her agitation was clear.
“Take a breath, sweetheart,” Gabriel said calmly. “You’re safe. Do you want me to get your mom back?”
“I thought I could fix it, or at least pretend,” she said, the words fractured by suppressed sobs. She raised her hand to her throat, as though she were trying to keep the words inside—or tear them out.
Coldness was spreading outward from Gabriel’s stomach, making his skin prickle. “Fix what?” he asked quietly.
“I told Pastor Henry and he told me to pray. He told me I would go to Hell if I couldn’t keep the devil out of my thoughts. I did pray, Mr. S. That was three years ago. I thought it was okay for awhile, but…but…” She choked back a sob and pressed her lips together, closing her eyes as she clutched at her throat, leaving red marks on her pale skin.
It was rage now spreading through Gabriel, boiling in his stomach and making his fingers tremble. He couldn’t remember ever feeling so angry in his life, and his hands ached to wrap themselves around her pastor’s throat. Gabriel was not, and had never been, a violent person. In that moment, looking at the devastation wrought on the poor child before him by a man’s words, Gabriel thought he might be capable of violence the level of which he’d never imagined.
“I hate everything about myself,” she said, the words barely distinguishable. “How could anyone love me?” she asked, squeezing at her throat.
“Your mother loves you,” Gabriel said, speaking carefully so she wouldn’t hear the tremor of rage in his voice. “Your friends love you. And even though it’s hard to imagine right now, Eliza, you will love yourself.”
She shook her head and opened her eyes. He could see the terror and desperation in her gaze as she looked at him, and he reached out instinctively, putting a hand on her arm. “I’m not normal,” she whispered.
“Yes, you are.”
“I’m not,” she countered. “You don’t know—”
“Whatever you’re feeling—”
“I don’t know who I am. I don’t even know what I am,” she said raggedly.
“Who decides what’s normal?” he asked. “You don’t have to be anyone or anything you don’t want to be.”
“I told Pastor Henry I wasn’t sure God wanted me to be a girl,” she said. She spoke so quietly, through unmoving lips, that it took a few seconds for the words to reach Gabriel’s brain. “He told me I was letting the devil take over my heart. But Mr. S, I’ve tried—”
“Fuck him,” Gabriel said before he could stop himself. He saw the stunned look on her face, and he grimaced. “Sorry, I—No, I’m not sorry, fuck him. He had no right to say that to you. God doesn’t send good, kind, loving people to Hell for arbitrary rules made by stupid, small-minded men. I don’t believe that, and I don’t respect any person who would spout that kind of hateful crap to a child. Fourteen? You were fourteen? Eliza, honey, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that you’ve been carrying that…”
“I’ve never seen you mad before,” she said. The shock of hearing him cursing the pastor seemed to have pulled her out of her other emotions for a moment.
“We’re the adults. We’re supposed to protect you, not make you doubt yourself,” he said. “I am angry, and I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you.”
Her face crumpled and she covered it with a hand. “What am I supposed to do?” she asked again.
“You’re supposed to be you,” he said. “And at your age, you don’t have to know who that is. Maybe you do, maybe you don’t. But nobody else knows better than you do, and nobody can make decisions for you.”
“Mr. S…” She hesitated. “I…I promise not to say anything…but Alex…told me your secret.”
“It’s not a secret,” he said. “It’s just…not something I’ve felt like telling people yet.”
“He said you gave him permission.”
“I did.”
“I think he thinks I’m gay,” she said quietly. “He just didn’t want to ask.”
“He knows it would be your decision whether or not you wanted to talk about something like that.”
“Maybe I am.” She paused. “I don’t know.”
“That’s okay.”
“I don’t like boys. I never liked boys. Not like that. I’ve always liked girls but I don’t know if…I mean, when I was little, I thought only boys could like girls, so I thought, maybe I was…”
“There’s no wrong way for you to feel, Eliza. I promise. If anyone tries to tell you otherwise, they’re wrong.”
“I’m pregnant,” she said. “I thought…” She shook her head. “It didn’t change anything. I should’ve just gone out with Alex. He would’ve been nice. He would’ve loved me. He probably would’ve even married me. I could’ve pretended and we could’ve been happy.”
“That wouldn’t be fair to you or to him,” he said, swallowing against the sting of bile in his throat. “And that’s not what he wants. He cares about you.”
“He’s had a crush on me for years. I never understood why,” she said.
“That might be true, but he’s also your friend. He wants you to be yourself. He wants you to be happy. And I’m sure that he will stand beside you, as your friend, no matter what you decide to do.”
“I don’t even know how to find the guy,” she said, and there was no mistaking the guilt and shame in her voice and expression. “What kind of person am I? What baby deserves to be born like this?”
“Eliza. Did he hurt you?”
“No. I mean…not like you mean,” she said. “He’s older. Like twenty-five, maybe. But I don’t want him in trouble. I found him. I…I wanted…” She turned her face away. “He wasn’t mean or anything. It’s not his fault. I made him think I wanted it. I wonder what Pastor Henry would say about that,” she finished in a murmur.
“Well, you already know what I’d say to him,” he said, and she looked back at him with a surprised, wet laugh. He grabbed the box of tissues from the table and handed them to her, and she swiped at her eyes and nose. “Every question that you have? Has an answer. I wish I had them for you, but I don’t. But we will help you find them.”
“They told me it’s still early enough to have an ab
ortion,” she said. “They said there might be…complications. Because of what I did. But it survived. I think it’s stronger than I am.”
“You’re stronger than you realize.”
“How could I kill it now?”
“That’s your choice,” he said. “No one else’s.”
“But I can’t keep it. How could I?”
“You have time to make that decision,” he answered.
“But…I don’t even know who I am.”
“I recently told my twenty-one year old son that I’m gay,” Gabriel said. “I turned our family upside down. And I hated myself for it. His first reaction was to tell me that he loved me and supported me.”
“You’re a good dad, probably.”
“I have no doubt you’ll be a good parent if you choose to be one,” he said.
She was quiet for a long time. “If I could choose one person to give the baby to, it’d be you,” she finally said, stunning him. She offered him the hint of a smile. “Don’t worry, I’m not asking,” she added before he could think of anything to say. “I’m just saying it, you know. You always make it seem like things will be okay.”
“Things will be okay. It won’t be easy, but it’ll be okay.”
“Why didn’t you ever tell anyone?”
“I didn’t want to hurt my mother,” he answered honestly. “I can’t say I made the wrong decision for me because I wouldn’t trade my family, my marriage, my son, for anything in the world. But I didn’t do them or myself any favors by keeping a part of myself hidden away, and I’ve realized I wasn’t doing my mother any favors, either. She drew a line in the sand and I chose not to cross it. I could’ve drawn my own line and put the ball in her court, but I didn’t. And there’s no use wondering what might’ve been, now. I’ve had a happy life, all things considered. And so will you. If there’s something I can do to help you, I will, but I’ve known your mother since she was a little younger than you.”
He paused. “I think you’ll feel better if you’re honest with her,” he said.
As if on cue, the door opened, and Gabriel looked over his shoulder to see Kathleen and Natalie entering the room.
At the sight of her mother, Eliza’s face crumpled again, and she held up a hand. Kathleen crossed quickly to her side, and Gabriel slipped out of the chair and moved aside as she took her daughter’s hand and sank onto the edge of the bed.
“It’ll be okay,” Kathleen said, brushing Eliza’s damp bangs from her forehead. “Hush, baby, it’s alright. We’ll figure it all out.”
Gabriel moved to Natalie’s side, and she put her arm through his. He motioned with his head, but before they could leave, Eliza said his name.
“Mr. Santiago,” she said, and he looked back. She hesitated. “I’m sorry you had to…bring me here,” she said, her lower lip trembling as she struggled for composure.
“I’m glad I was there,” he said.
She swallowed. “Me, too,” she answered quietly, and Gabriel knew exactly how much weight those words held.
“Take care of yourself,” he told her. “If either of you need anything, call me,” he said, looking at Kathleen.
“Thank you,” she said.
“Can you tell Alex and…and the others I’m sorry, I…I can’t…Not today…”
“That’s okay,” Gabriel said. “I’ll let them know.”
Once he and Natalie were in the hallway, and the door to Eliza’s room was closed, Gabriel leaned against the wall and shut his eyes, letting out a shaky breath. Natalie didn’t ask him if he was alright, she simply stood with her hand on his arm, waiting.
He pulled in another breath and held it, letting it out slowly. He could feel himself shaking. His anger toward the pastor was not insignificant, but he knew he had to set that aside. “Okay,” he said, opening his eyes. He looked at Natalie. “Okay,” he repeated, straightening away from the wall. He covered her hand on his arm.
They started down the hallway together, walking slowly.
“Natty,” he said after a few moments, looking sideways at her.
“Hmm.”
“Did you tell Arnie about me? Me and Jack?”
With a slight frown, she said, “Of course not.”
Gabriel winced and stopped, turning toward her. “I’m sorry. I was so wrapped up in my own—I’m sorry,” he repeated. “You haven’t had anyone to talk to and that’s…so incredibly unfair, there’s no excuse for that.”
“I have you,” she said.
“To talk to about me,” he clarified.
“I told him you were seeing someone, but no details. I would’ve asked your permission when it came to the point when I felt like I wanted…or needed to tell him.”
“You shouldn’t have to ask. I should’ve realized.”
“I slept with him.”
Gabriel swallowed, letting the surprise and discomfort roll through him. In their wake, what he felt was happiness and relief. “And?” he asked with a smile.
She blushed, which made his smile widen. “It was, uh…” She glanced around, making sure no one was within earshot. “Good,” she said.
He raised an eyebrow. “Yeah?” He poked gently at her shoulder. “Good? Are you sure that’s it?”
Laughing, she swatted his hand away. “Okay, it was pretty good. For a first time. There’s…definitely potential there,” she said, blushing darker than ever.
Gabriel pulled her forward to kiss her forehead. “Ah, I’m glad, Nat,” he said.
“And?” she asked. At his questioning look, she said, “Don’t play dumb with me,” which made him grin. “You took off your ring and you seem to be growing out your beard, does that mean things are getting serious?”
“I…guess you could say that,” he said. “I’m still not sure about the beard, but he likes it.”
“Better his thighs than mine,” she answered, and Gabriel tipped his chin up, laughing.
“You’d better warn poor Arnie to keep a close shave,” he said.
“I didn’t let him…you know. Not yet.” They started walking again. She looked over at him. “You don’t have to answer, but have you and Jack…I mean, I’m not exactly sure how it all works…”
He cleared his throat. “I’m still figuring it out myself,” he said quietly, squeezing her arm. “But we did everything, yes.”
“Everything?”
“Yes.”
“How was…I assume it was better than your first time?”
He smiled. He’d never given her much detail about that experience, but she knew it hadn’t been particularly pleasant. “Yeah,” he said. “It’s amazing the difference a little trust and consideration can make.”
She bumped her shoulder against his arm. “Believe me, I’ll always be grateful I had you for my first time. I heard so many horror stories from my friends.” She paused. “But I’m happy to hear it, because if he hurts you, I’ll have to put him in the wood-chipper and then his cop buddies will probably come after me.”
Gabriel laughed. “We—You don’t have a wood-chipper,” he said.
“Not yet. But I’ll get one if I need to.”
“I appreciate the sentiment, but it’s…not necessary,” he said, giving her a pointed look.
“That good, huh,” she laughed.
“Listen, I have something to ask before we get to the waiting room,” he said. “And it might be awkward, and if it is, you can say no. I know it’s…quick.”
“You want to get together,” she guessed.
“I’d like to introduce Jack to Ben—with your permission, and if it’s alright with Ben, of course. I thought we could drive up for a Thanksgiving dinner on Friday night. You and Arnie, me and Jack, Alex, Ben…”
“You think Alex wants to have dinner with his dad and three of his teachers?” she asked with a laugh.
“Honestly, I hadn’t given much thought to that.”
“I think it’s a nice idea,” she said. “But I’d prefer if you ask Arnie. I don’t feel comfortable telling him
—or anyone—about you and Jack while you’re still…keeping it mostly to yourself.”
“Okay,” he said. “Nat, for the record, you can tell anyone anything you want about me. But I’ll talk to him. If you don’t mind? Us all getting together?”
“Nah, it’ll give me a chance to grill Jack a bit. Make sure he’s good enough for you.”
“Ha,” he answered. “If anything, he’s too good for me,” he said.
“That’s not possible.”
“Sure it is. You were always too good for me. I set my sights high and hope my winning smile gets me in,” he said, flashing his teeth in a grin.
“Well if he doesn’t fall for that smile, he’s an idiot,” she answered.
They walked into the waiting room together. Jack and Arnie were both reading magazines and looked up, setting them aside, at their entrance.
“Eliza’s doing okay, and she knows you’re all here. It means a lot to her, but she’s not feeling up to seeing visitors today,” Gabriel said.
“Can you get her the card and balloons we brought?” Becca asked.
“Yes,” Gabriel answered. “I will make sure she gets them. Does anyone need a ride home?”
“No, we drove here,” Becca answered. “Will you let us know when we can see her, Mr. S?”
“I will do that,” Gabriel answered. “Just leave the balloons and card right there, I’ll get them in a minute. Thank you.” He looked at Alex as the other kids swarmed out into the hallway.
Alex walked over to him. “Is she really okay?” he asked. “You’re not just saying that to get everyone out of here?”
“She’s okay. She’s dealing with a lot right now, and she’s going to have to tell you when she’s ready. I know you’ll listen when she’s ready to talk. She’s safe here, though. I…If it’s okay, I’d like to talk to you about something else for a minute.” He glanced at Arnie and Jack. “All of you,” he added. His gaze swung back to Jack’s. “If it’s alright with you?”
Jack nodded, offering an encouraging smile.
Gabriel looked back to Alex. “If you’re uncomfortable with this conversation, you can leave,” he said.
“Naw, I’m good, Mr. S, I got your back,” Alex said, patting him on the shoulder and smiling before going to sit beside Jack.
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