Saorsa

by Kerry Heavens

  He genuinely seems to care how my week went, so I start dumping it all on him. He listens to how frustrated I am that there isn’t any sense of urgency, or even alarm and how I suspect she was fucking the boss.

  “You have to think, it’s ultimately his money she stole. Maybe he knew the entire time and just didn’t care. Either way it isn’t your company, or your problem. You are just doing a job.”

  “I didn’t think about it that way, you’re right. I’m not accountable and this is out of my control. Thank you.”

  “What are friends for?” He hesitates and I nod in understanding. There it is…the entrance to the friend zone. I have to admit, I felt like we were headed there myself, but I don’t know, I’m just trying this dating thing out and I guess it would have been nice to feel a little more desired before we got there.

  Michael shifts uncomfortably in his seat and I catch the movement of his left thumb as it rubs over his finger. And there, sitting proudly on his ring finger, is a gold band I hadn’t noticed before. His hand stills and I look up at him.

  There is no way Cami would have tried to set me up with a married man…is there?

  Michael lets out a sigh and then puts his left hand under the table out of sight. “I’m sorry, if I can’t even take my wedding band off, perhaps I shouldn’t be here.”

  “Recently divorced?” I ask hopefully. It’s the lesser of the evils I could be faced with I guess.

  “No—” He almost adds something else, then changes his mind and presses his lips together.

  “Should we just call it a night?” I ask reluctantly.

  He has the saddest look on his face and I’m not sure what I can do about it. But before I can say anything else, he straightens and takes a deep breath. “No. I want to have dinner with you,” he says with a fierce determination in his voice.

  “I just need to know one thing. Is she still in the picture?” Friend zone or not, I will not sit and flirt with another woman’s husband if she is still in the picture. Not after how my own marriage ended.

  “She passed away five years ago.”

  My heart drops. Oh shit. “I’m so sorry.” I reach my hand across the table and give his a squeeze.

  He brings his other hand up to join them and for a moment we both just stare at the poignant reminder he wears every day.

  “My brother told me to take it off a long time ago, I just…can’t.”

  “I understand.”

  He squeezes my hand, grateful for my understanding. “I’m not ready for a relationship. I’m still grieving. But having met you, I know I’m sure as hell ready for a friend. I wouldn’t have agreed to a blind date if I’d known that’s what it was, but I’m really glad it happened because I want to get to know you. I think we could be great friends.” He lowers his eyes for a moment. “God that sounded like the worst brush off of all time, I’m so sorry. I—”

  “Michael.” I stop him. He looks up at me and I can’t help but giggle. “Sorry, I’m not laughing at you. It’s just, fucking Cami. She’s a disaster!”

  Michael chuckles too. “Right? I’m sorry you got caught up in my mess.”

  “Hey no, no more apologies. The truth is, I’m probably not ready for a relationship either. I don’t know. But I would love to be your friend. You are my first new friend in London. I’m happy we met and I want to get to know you too.”

  “Good.” He lets go of my hands and takes a long drink. “So what’s your story?”

  I guess fair’s, fair. “I married my high school sweetheart, he cheated on me and we divorced. I just haven’t gotten back in the saddle yet.”

  “How long has it been?”

  “About five years.”

  “Wow. You must have really loved him.”

  “Why do you say that?”

  “Five years and you haven’t got back in the saddle, I just figured you were still hung up.”

  I sigh. “It wasn’t that at all. It was over years before he cheated, I was just too into my work to do anything about it. I let it happen, my company was my first priority.”

  “Marriage is hard work, you either grow with the person or you grow apart.”

  “That’s the truth right there.” I sigh.

  “We are a pair aren’t we?”

  “It feels like we’ve been friends for longer than a week,” I agree.

  “Cheers to that,” he says, lifting his drink. We clink glasses and both take a sip just as a waitress comes and sets down our platter. “And for the record, I think you are ready.”

  “You do? What gives you that impression?”

  “I don’t know really, just a feeling. I think if the right guy came along and swept you off your feet, you’d be ready to love again.”

  “Hmm.”

  “You don’t agree?”

  “I don’t know. I always just assumed that because I had no desire to go about looking for love, that meant I wasn’t ready. Don’t you think if I was I’d be out there hunting me a man?”

  Michael lets out a hearty laugh which lights up his eyes and it makes me smile to know despite all he has been through I am able to bring that smile to his face. “Not really, I’m a firm believer that if something is meant to be, then it will happen whether you are looking for it or not. That’s how I met my wife. She literally ran into me.” His eyes brighten when he mentions her, then his expression changes. “Sorry.”

  “Don’t be afraid to talk about her to me, she’s part of you, Michael. Own her, Christ flaunt her.” I lift my martini and tap it once again to his beer. “Cheers, to…” I pause, realizing I don’t even know her name.

  “Katherine, her name was Katherine.” His face softens and he smiles fondly.

  “Cheers to Katherine.”

  “Thank you, Charlotte.” He sets his drink down. “It feels good to say her name. Connor loved her but he wants me to move on and be happy. It’s gotten so that I watch how often I mention her because he takes it to mean I’m not living my life.”

  “That’s crazy. She was your wife. You’re going to think about her and talk about her forever. That’s how it should be.”

  “I know. He knows that too. He just worries about me, you know?”

  “I know. So that’s why he was so giddy you were on a second date?”

  “Yeah. I’m afraid of how he will take it when I kill his dream now.”

  “He doesn’t have to know you friend zoned me.” A wicked smirk spreads across my face as Michael stutters his defense.

  “I didn’t— You— It’s just—”

  I can’t help but laugh. “I’m teasing. We friend zoned each other.”

  “You’re wicked. But I like your style, he won’t know we aren’t dating romantically. He’ll just be over the moon I’m seeing someone. This is brilliant, you’re an evil genius.”

  “I’m happy to be of service. We should set up our next ‘date’ and make sure he knows about it before we leave.”

  “Yeah.” Michael looks slightly resigned. “I shouldn’t need to prove to him that I’m moving on. He cares and all, but he’s been pushing way too hard. You know he threatened to cut my ring off while I’m sleeping?”

  I gasp. “No! You’ll take it off if and when you’re ready. Don’t let anyone tell you when that should be.”

  “He’s probably right. It just feels wrong.”

  “The thing is Michael, you took vows. Ones that you’re obviously having a hard time setting aside even if she’s gone. No one has the right to tell you when you should be ready to move on or if you should ever even want to move on. It’s your life.”

  “Thanks, Charlotte.” He sips his beer. “It’s getting easier since we left Chicago.”

  “Is that why you moved here?”

  “Yeah, it wasn’t healthy for me, I couldn’t move on when everywhere in the city reminded me of us. We met in school there, she was from here actually on a one-year transfer as part of her degree. But she wound up staying. That city was ours. We met there, dated there, married there.
I realized I was never going to be able to stop grieving when I was suffocating on thoughts of her just driving down the street.”

  “Well, it sounds like you did the right thing for yourself by moving away.”

  Michael looks up at me, seeming guilty somehow. “I didn’t just do it for me,” he says softly.

  I frown, not understanding who else he could have done it for.

  Michael reaches into his pocket and pulls out his wallet, opening it quickly and pulling out a piece of paper. He looks at it for a long moment before handing it to me. “She has her mama’s eyes,” he says as I take in the face of a darling little girl. Dark curls like her dad and a cheeky smile.

  I touch my fingers to my lips, understanding the full extent of this man’s grief at last. He didn’t just lose his wife, he’s a dad and he’s doing it all alone.

  “She’s beautiful,” I whisper.

  “Thank you.” He smiles, taking back the photo and gazing at it once more before tucking it safely back into his wallet. I watch him, not knowing which of my questions is even appropriate to ask, when he begins speaking.

  “Her name is Katie,” he says. “After she was born Katherine told me she wanted to come back here. Raise her here. We hadn’t really talked about moving here before that, she was happy in Chicago. We both had good jobs, we lived in a good neighborhood. But when they put her in Katherine’s arms she changed. She was so full of love for this little thing and it came pouring out. How she wanted to raise her where she grew up, send her to the school she went to, push her on the swing in the playground she knew as a child…”

  He drifts off and I can’t help the direction my thoughts are going, so I ask. “And you didn’t want that?”

  His eyes snap to mine. “No, I thought it sounded fantastic. As I said, we hadn’t talked about it before that moment, but with this tiny thing between us that we suddenly loved more than we knew possible, we laid squished into her hospital bed, and we talked and talked. I felt it too, Chicago is an amazing city until you have this most precious thing to take care of and suddenly all I kept thinking was, ‘murder capital of the United States’, on repeat like that ticker on the bottom of the screen on the news channel. It was crazy the shift in our thinking, but we both agreed, England would be the best place for us to be. Our hope was to move before she started school. We made so many plans that day…”

  “But she—” I don’t even know what I was going to ask, but I stop myself.

  “But she didn’t get to carry any of them out. She never got to see Katie’s smile or hear her laugh.” He pauses and swallows hard. “She never even got to take her home.”

  I inhale deeply and wait. Knowing the worst part is still to come, but I have to let him tell me. We are friends after all.

  “She died six hours and forty-three minutes after Katie was born. Blood clot.”

  “God, I am so sorry.” I breathe, letting out all the air I was holding.

  “Those were the best six hours and forty-three minutes of our lives. She was so happy. So full of life and plans for the future. Being a mom lit her up like I had never seen and I would have given her anything she asked for in those hours. She wanted to move here, and raise Katie right where she was raised and I was all in. I would have moved to the moon for her.”

  “So you kept your promise?” I ask softly, trying not to choke on the emotion constricting my throat and keep the threatening tears at bay.

  Michael nods. “There was nothing left for me in Chicago and I needed to get away. So I kept my promise.”

  “And Connor came to.”

  Michael scratches at his beard and huffs out a half laugh. “Connor had his own reasons for wanting to get out of Chicago, but he’ll tell you he was only looking out for me. It made our parents happier too. They really didn’t want me to go. But they respected my decision, and Connor gets to be the good son for once by acting as their eyes and ears.”

  “Wow,” I say.

  “Yeah, sorry. I should have warned you, I can be really terrible company.”

  “No, not at all. I’m glad you told me. I was just thinking how brave that was. I thought I was ballsy moving here, but moving to a new country with a toddler and doing it all alone?”

  “I’m not really alone. I have Connor. He’s more use than he looks, but don’t tell him I said that. And we live close to Katherine’s parents. They really help out. I couldn’t do it without them to be honest. It’s been hard, but we have a great relationship and they love Katie so much.”

  “I bet they do. Is that who she’s with now?”

  “Yes, they help out after school and usually have her at least one night a week. They want me to have a life too, although they’re slightly more subtle about it than Connor.”

  “So they know you are on a ‘date’?” I use air quotes to define what this now is.

  Michael presses his lips together, looking guilty again, but this time with more humor. “I told them I was meeting a friend after work.”

  “I see how it is, you had me friend zoned before you even got here.”

  “Hey now.” He smiles for the first time since opening up about his life. “We friend zoned each other. You agreed.”

  We continue to laugh after that. The conversation turns to the superficial things we miss about home and what we love about London. We make a small dent in the mountain of food between us and when we look beat, the waitress comes around.

  “Can I get you guys anything?” she asks, eyeing our leftovers skeptically.

  I hold my stomach and groan. “I can’t eat another thing.”

  “Just two to-go boxes please, and we’ll take the check whenever you’re ready.” Michael’s smile is all charm. I notice the waitress flush slightly as she leaves to get the check.

  When she returns with our boxes and the check I remind Michael firmly that we agreed I would pay for this one and while I pay, he asks the waitress how her shift has been. I hand back the card machine and he tells her he will see her again soon. She grins and looks away, a more definite pinkish blush staining her cheeks. The man is clearly not aware of the effect he has on women.

  I sit back grinning and he turns his gaze back to me, his eyes narrowing slightly before he speaks, “What?”

  “You have no idea what you’re doing do you?”

  His brows furrow. “Doing? What am I doing?” He stands to leave while still looking confused.

  I simply smile and stand, collecting my jacket, then turn to walk out of the restaurant.

  Michael follows close behind me. “Are you going to fill me in?”

  The waitress in question is too close by and I don’t want to embarrass the poor girl, so I keep walking toward the door.

  Michael makes it around me and holds the door open for me to go through. Then he looks expectantly. “So?”

  “The waitress thought you were flirting with her, that’s why she started turning pink.”

  “No! I was not. I wouldn’t do that on a date even if it is with just a friend.”

  I laugh at his flustered indignation. “That’s what makes it even funnier. You have no clue you’re doing it.”

  “I guess I should watch that. I thought I was just being polite.”

  We start to walk down the Soho side street heading for the busier areas to make our way home.

  “You don’t have to watch anything,” I tell him. “I think it’s cute and they love it.”

  “I don’t want to give off the wrong signals though.”

  I pause and watch him for a moment. “You know, you were right about something. If something is meant to be, then it will happen whether you are looking for it or not. Don’t change who you are, who says they are the wrong signals? Maybe one day you’ll give just the right signal to just the right person and everything will change.”

  Michael’s gaze intensifies as he steps toward me. He takes me by the elbow and pulls me in close to him. I laugh and begin to tell him I didn’t mean with me, when I suddenly find myself against
his chest and looking up into his serious blue eyes.

  “Charlotte…” he whispers and sets his lips on mine.

  Our lips touch softly and for a moment I sink into the warmth of him, until he pulls away without deepening the connection.

  The second he pulls back I frown, touching my lips. I expect to feel something there. Some spark or zing marking the place he had been, but, nothing.

  “Don’t be mad,” he says apologetically. “I had to see.” He reaches out to my arm, squeezing softly. “Did you feel anything?”

  “I—” I don’t want to hurt him.

  “I felt nothing,” he admits. “I’m sorry. Do you think I’m broken?”

  “No, I think we are just truly meant to be friends.”

  We both stare into each other’s eyes for a moment and then burst out laughing.

  “Well at least we got that out of the way. There will be no ‘what if’ thinking.” Michael runs his hands through his hair.

  “If it makes you feel better, I was secretly wondering if there would have been any spark between us too.”

  “Well I guess now we know.” He offers me his crooked elbow. “Shall we?”

  I slip my arm through his and we start walking again, only to bump straight into a woman in a hurry, not watching where she’s walking.

  “Ugh,” she huffs irritably as if we were somehow to blame for her walking and texting. She looks up and I inwardly groan.

  “Well if it isn’t Little Miss America. It’s no surprise to see you here I suppose,” she sneers, looking beyond us at the BBQ joint with distain. I wonder if she’s ever eaten anything off-the-bone in her life. That is if she even ingests anything but coke and gin.

  “Hello Lisa,” I grit out. “Fancy seeing you here. You seem in a hurry, doesn’t your dealer like to be kept waiting?” Ugh I hate that she makes me sound so petty but this bitch really gets my back up.

  She answers my jibe with a scathing look and a determination not to take the bait that I can see pains her. Instead, she gives Michael a once-over and a cold smile crosses her face. “If you ever want to have dinner with a refined woman…”

  Michael smiles back, a look I can tell even having only known him a short time, says he’s up to no good. “Well now, darlin’,” he drawls exaggeratedly. “I just had a mighty fine dinner with this swell little lady right here.” My eyes bug out as I try to hold the laugher in. Michael pats his stomach. “Now I’m fixin’ to head on home. But head on inside, darlin’, you look as if you could use a good meal.”