Until I Love Again

by Jerry S. Eicher

  Susanna took a deep breath and forced her feet forward. She paused before she opened the washroom door, hearing the low murmur of women’s voices coming from inside. Maybe she should flee right now and leave the community permanently. Joey would help her leave, but did she really want to? That was the question. She was too confused to know right now. Better to go with the flow. That road had been mapped out for her. What did it matter if she married Ernest and didn’t feel anything for the man before the wedding? That was better than thoughts of jumping the fence. Susanna pressed her lips together and opened the door.

  Benny Yoder’s frau, Beth, and John Chupp’s frau, Esther, had been whispering together. They looked up when she walked in with startled looks on their faces. Both managed to smile. After a quick “goot morning,” the two women grabbed their young daughters and scurried out of the washroom.

  Susanna dropped her shawl on the table. At least she hadn’t been treated with outright rejection. There would, of course, be lingering questions in many minds until she said the wedding vows with Ernest. Even then there would be a few who would wait to see if she would still jump the fence into the Englisha world and leave Ernest without a frau—for his lifetime. That was the horror an Englisha frau could inflict on an Amish man.

  Susanna hesitated, but pressed on into the kitchen. The sooner she faced this, the better. Acting guilty would only make matters worse. The small group of women turned to face her when she entered.

  Thankfully Bishop Enos’s frau, Lydia, hurried out of the small group and held out her hand. “Goot morning, Susanna. I’m so glad you came. I hear you plan to attend your first baptismal class this morning.”

  “Yah, I guess.” Susanna kept her head down, but the relieved looks on Beth’s and Esther’s faces were plain to see. This they had not expected. But what could anyone say if the bishop’s frau approved of her? One by one the women came forward to shake Susanna’s hand and wish her a goot morning.

  Even Beth and Esther joined in the conversation afterward. Nothing more would be said about her problems, but doubts would remain. Her whole life hung by a thread. Not much pressure would be needed for it to break.

  Susanna stood against the farthest wall to await the start of the service. More women came in from the washroom and the kitchen soon filled up. Susanna moved into the living room to escape the crush. Several of the smaller children were clinging to their mamms’ hands, and Susanna noticed Ernest’s two little girls ahead of her. They were with Ernest’s sister, and both of them looked up to smile at Susanna.

  Had Ernest described her to them as their future mamm? That wasn’t possible. Or was it?

  Susanna chided herself as thoughts whirled through her mind. This was no attitude to have on the morning of her first baptismal class. Somehow she must walk through this experience with her heart turned toward the Lord, no matter how unjust her circumstances were. Daett was the one who had borne a child with his Englisha girlfriend. Now she, Susanna, had wild Englisha blood in her. Was that why she felt so comfortable around Joey and his family? Because he was one of her people? The community must be right in their judgment of her. Did not a longing to see Joey sweep over her even now?

  Ernest appeared in front of her, and Susanna let out a little gasp.

  “Goot morning,” Ernest greeted her as he collected his two girls from his sister. He had an amused smile on his face.

  Susanna looked the other way and didn’t answer. She wasn’t his girlfriend or frau yet, and she didn’t have to respond to him. He could write her attitude off as haughtiness if he wished. Ernest had been present when she passed out last Sunday evening, but apparently he still didn’t understand that her heart was torn to bits. But she shouldn’t complain. A perceptive man was a high expectation for a girl in her situation to have. She was clearly Englisha at heart and should be happy with what the Lord had given her.

  Ernest smiled at her as he led his girls to the men’s side of the room. He appeared quite satisfied with himself, but why shouldn’t he be? She planned to attend the baptismal class this morning. That was almost the same as a promise to be Ernest’s frau in the fall. She had been such an easy catch for Ernest—all things considered. On the negative side, her reputation didn’t seem to faze the man in the least. No doubt forbidden fruit had its own allure.

  The first of the older women began to file into the living room and take their seats. Susanna kept her head down until the line of single girls formed. She stepped into place behind Emma Yutzy, who gave her a faint smile. Susanna smiled back. Emma had always been nice to her, and that was unlikely to change. The line of girls took their seats and Susanna made sure to keep her gaze away from the married men’s section. She had enough on her mind without dealing with Ernest’s glances in her direction.

  Moments later the first song was given out, and the appointed singer for the morning’s service led out in the haunting tune. The song’s German words had been written in prison cells by their persecuted forefathers over five hundred years earlier. Shame filled Susanna as the singing filled Deacon Herman’s home. Here she was, upset over her troubles brought on by sin, while her forefathers had suffered for the sake of righteousness. She ought to mourn and thank the Lord for His mercy. Instead she was wallowing in self-pity.

  On the second line of the song, Susanna lifted her chin while Bishop Enos rose to his feet and led the line of ministers up the stairs. They moved in slow motion, and no one else stood to follow them until the last minister had reached the top of the landing. Susanna watched out of the corner of her eye as several unmarried men rose to their feet. Susanna waited. Should she stand, or were there more men to follow? Surely she wouldn’t be the only girl to attend the baptismal class. If she didn’t stand soon, it would be too late. Susanna tried to move her feet, but they wouldn’t respond.

  Then she saw Emma Yutzy slowly rise. Susanna reached out to grasp the corner of Emma’s dress. She didn’t dare pull, but the touch was all she needed. Strength flooded her body, knowing she was not alone this morning. Emma would also attend the baptismal class. Truly the Lord must care about her situation, for He had provided for her need.

  Susanna stayed close to Emma on their climb up the stairs, and Emma turned around to offer another smile at the top.

  “Thank you for being with me today,” Susanna whispered.

  “I’d say you’re the one who is with me,” Emma whispered back. “I thought I would be the only girl in the class.”

  Susanna gave Emma a quick hug before they entered the bedroom where the men waited. Bishop Enos smiled up at them when they walked in and motioned toward chairs set up beside the boys.

  The bishop greeted the class once Emma and Susanna had seated themselves. “Goot morning, everyone. You can all relax now. No one is going to eat you.”

  Chuckles passed around the room, and Emma’s face glowed with happiness. Susanna tried to smile, but her expression froze in place. The joy from moments ago flew far away. Baptism was a momentous decision in the life of an Amish young person, and she was attending the class on less than honorable grounds. She had been forced in. Yet she was here, and with Bishop Enos’s approval. The thought kept her from a hasty retreat back down the stairs to the living room.

  Bishop Enos cleared his throat and his face sobered. “As you all know, this is not a light choice you have made to walk up the stairs this morning. In the Lord’s eyes you have made your first steps toward an openly expressed godly life. By this summer you will state your desire publicly to live a life pleasing to the Lord and His church. For this, I commend all of you. We will do what we can to support and admonish each of you in the upcoming months, but in the end the decision to continue your walk is up to you. The Lord presses no one into His service, and neither does His church. We are all laborers together in the Lord’s vineyard.”

  Bishop Enos’s voice continued, but Susanna closed her eyes and thought of Joey and the piano in the Macalisters’ living room. She could feel her fingers moving over the keys a
nd the music pouring out into the room. Her heart rose and fell with the sound until Bishop Enos’s words could no longer be heard.

  Chapter Eleven

  The following week, Ernest Helmuth left his two small girls in Katherine’s care and drove early in the morning toward the Millers’ place. Ernest clucked to his horse, Gambit, and headed off past his fields. As the buggy passed the pasture the cows lifted their heads to watch. Most of them were heavy with calves, others had been milked on time, and all of them appeared contented. Ernest believed in performing his duty toward man and beast alike. He supplied plenty of grain for his animals at each milking, and there was hay in the barn and spring grass growing high in the fields.

  Ernest’s thoughts turned to his lost Naomi. Why did the Lord take such a wunderbah frau from him when she was so desperately needed? Obviously the Lord did what He wished, and that was enough of an answer. Ernest was not a complicated man who ran around looking for things that weren’t there. It was enough that the rain fell from the skies on his fields, and that he had a roof over his head and plenty of wholesome food on the table. It was also enough that the Lord seemed to bless his desire for another frau. The hope was strong in his heart that he could win Susanna’s love. Had not the road been opened in front of him? Of course, Susanna still wasn’t paying him any attention at the church gatherings, but that would come. He could wait.

  “Give the woman some time,” Susanna’s daett had said on Sunday.

  There hadn’t been time for a lengthy or private conversation with Ralph, but maybe today there would be. Ralph might have suggestions for how he could move Susanna’s affection toward himself while he waited. If he needed an excuse for the visit, there was always a reason to talk about farming. Most of his cows were due to bear their spring calves soon. Ralph might be willing to help out if Ernest ran into a crisis situation. The veterinarian out of Ogdensburg was always on call, but Ralph’s help would incur a much lower bill. They could talk in the barnyard, and perhaps Ernest could catch a glimpse of Susanna.

  “She’s quitting her job in town this week,” Ralph had assured him on Sunday. “Susanna will agree to this now that she has taken her first baptismal class.” This was all for the best—to quit her job and stay closer to home under the circumstances.

  Ernest jiggled the reins and turned onto Maple Ridge Road. Gambit sped up, but moments later Ernest pulled back on the reins. Speed wouldn’t look decent upon his arrival, much as he wanted to swing into the Millers’ driveway with a flourish. His heart beat faster at the very thought of Susanna. At this moment she might be at the kitchen window busy with the dishes. If he hurried, he might have a look at her face before she drew back.

  Ernest sighed and slowed down even more. He must be patient with the girl. The days would pass, followed by the months, and by this fall Susanna would be at his home every morning. They would be man and wife. Susanna would fix his breakfast and sit at his kitchen table while they ate. He wouldn’t have to steal glances at her face. He could touch her hand and perhaps even give her a kiss before he left for the day’s fieldwork. He was in love with the woman. There was no question about that. Not since the day when he first saw Naomi, when she had arrived in the community from Ohio to visit her relatives in the North Country, had his affections been so captured by a woman.

  “Whoa there,” Ernest called out to Gambit. He turned into the driveway and pulled to a stop by the hitching post. The kitchen window was in plain sight, but no form was visible behind the pane of glass. If he’d had enough nerve, he would have climbed down from the buggy and walked right up the Millers’ front door to greet Susanna with a “goot morning.” But he had expressed enough boldness already. This was the time for winning the woman’s heart, not forcing her hand.

  The barn door cracked open and Henry, the oldest of the Miller boys, peered out. Henry grinned and ducked inside again. Obviously Henry knew of Ernest’s intense interest in Susanna and was steering clear until the dust had settled.

  Ernest jumped down from the buggy and tied Gambit to the hitching post. Before he reached the barn door, Ralph pushed it open and stepped outside.

  “Goot morning,” Ralph greeted him.

  “Yah, and goot morning to you,” Ernest replied. He stole another quick glance toward the house.

  Ralph followed Ernest’s look and smiled. “You’d be thinking of Susanna, no doubt?”

  Of course, Ernest wanted to say, but he lowered his head instead. “The Lord has blessed me with hope, yah. And my thoughts are never far from her.”

  “Do you wish to speak with her this morning?” A smile filled Ralph’s bearded face.

  Ernest shook his head. “Only with you.”

  Ralph nodded. “You’re a wise man, Ernest, and one of great faith. Susanna still mourns the loss of her rumspringa time even though she has taken the first step in the right direction. I hope you know that.”

  “I do.” Ernest drew himself up. “And I hope to win the woman’s love, Ralph. Naomi’s heart was mine for a few precious years. Surely that is a gift the Lord can give again.”

  Ralph nodded. “As I said, you are a man of faith and courage, for which I’m very grateful. I may never be able to properly tell you how much.” Ralph’s face sobered. “The shame of my daughter jumping the fence into the world would overshadow me for the rest of my days.”

  “That would be a shame not easily covered,” Ernest agreed. “But we must not doubt Susanna’s future. We can believe the Lord is on our side and is greater than the temptations out there in the world. Susanna is an excellent woman at heart, even with—” His words stopped when a face appeared in the kitchen window.

  Ralph caught Ernest’s look and turned in that direction. “I do love that girl,” he said. “And you’re the man who can win her heart, Ernest, if anyone can. I will help where I’m able. Of that, I want to assure you.”

  “Yah, I will win her heart,” Ernest said. His gaze was still fixed on the kitchen window, but the glass was empty now. He cleared his throat. “I’m the one who is grateful, Ralph. Your daughter is a beautiful woman.”

  “Yah.” Ralph turned back to face Ernest. “But beauty has its downside. I hope you know that.”

  Ernest smiled. “The Lord will be with me. Of this I am confident.”

  “Pride can be an awful trap,” Ralph muttered.

  Ernest swallowed twice before he answered. “Surely you’re not having doubts?”

  “Not about you,” Ralph said. “It’s Susanna. Will she stay on the right path until her baptism? That’s the question I’ve been asking myself the past few days.”

  Ernest didn’t answer at once. He wouldn’t lose Susanna. He couldn’t. He needed a frau his heart could love. “We must trust the Lord,” he finally said.

  Ralph continued as if Ernest hadn’t spoken. “Linda thinks the Englisha man won’t leave Susanna alone. Already we’ve seen his vehicle driving past the place a few times. Thankfully Susanna was upstairs and didn’t notice. We will do what we can, Ernest, but the girl has a mind of her own. Be warned of that and ready for a rough road to your wedding day. Susanna is humbled at the moment, but emotions come and go. Surely you know this?”

  “Susanna will not jump the fence,” Ernest said. “We must see to that with the Lord’s help.”

  “Yah, but I can’t keep her in the house morning, noon, and night.” Ralph forced a chuckle. “She’s already defied me by leaving with Joey for an afternoon a while back.”

  “No, you can’t lock her up,” Ernest agreed. “Our people do not resort to such measures, but we must pray and believe for the best.”

  Ralph sighed. “We will take courage then and not think dark thoughts.” He stared down at his shoes for a moment. “My past sins cloud my counsel, Ernest. You must grant me patience and understanding, although I expect that is difficult for a man of your character. You never committed great sins in your youth.”

  “We all have our faults,” Ernest assured him. “And you have cleansed your ways since
then, and still seek to cleanse them.” Ernest forced a laugh. “How else would you let such a man as myself near your beautiful daughter?”

  Ralph laughed too. “We will say no more on that, but there also lies your danger, Ernest. You must pray for us, that we know how to handle this Englisha man.” Ralph paused for a second. “If this Joey does come around again, do you have words of wisdom for me? I didn’t do too well the last time he was here.”

  “I will pray for you, but I’m no man of great wisdom. I’m a simple man,” Ernest said, with another glance toward the house. “You know, perhaps I should speak with Susanna this morning after all. I mean, how can I compete with this Joey fellow if the man has personal contact with Susanna and I don’t?”

  “You’d best wait,” Ralph warned. “I know patience is difficult, but Susanna’s heart is tender at the moment. Give the girl some time. We have already pushed the matter fast enough.”

  Ernest’s face fell. “So tell me. Is this Joey handsome?”

  Ralph looked away. “I’m afraid so, and he’s from the world, Ernest. Everything about him is from out there.”

  Ernest straightened his shoulders. “We must not despair, Ralph. The Lord is on our side. There is too much at stake for us to lose your daughter. You have suffered enough, and as for me, I need a frau.”

  Ralph glanced toward the ground, but there were tears in the man’s eyes. He wiped them away and looked up at Ernest. “You came for something else, perhaps?”

  Ernest chuckled. “Yah, most of my cows are bearing soon. I thought perhaps you could give me help in an emergency or offer some advice. I’ve never had this many cows ready to birth calves at the same time.”

  Ralph grinned. “Stay up all night with your cows. You have no frau who would complain of your absence. But I’m here if you need me. Come fetch me, night or day.”

  Ernest smiled. “Thanks. I was hoping I could call on you…if need be.”