Until I Love Again

by Jerry S. Eicher

  Ralph sobered again. “As for Susanna, we must stay in prayer about all this. The Lord cares for even the smallest matters in our lives, but that doesn’t mean we won’t have to check on our cattle in the middle of the night. Much as we may have to spend sleepless nights in watch for my daughter.”

  “Yah, I’m willing to do whatever it takes,” Ernest said. “We will pray for the wedding to be soon, and that the Lord will be with us until then. In the meantime, I had best be going.”

  Ralph nodded. “We will let you know if there is trouble with Susanna, and you do the same for us with your cows.”

  “May the Lord guide and keep us.” Ernest turned to walk back to his horse. Ralph stood in the same spot even after Ernest had climbed in the buggy.

  “Getup there,” Ernest called to Gambit, and the horse took off up the lane. Ernest couldn’t resist one last glance toward the kitchen window, but the glass was empty. The danger from this Englisha man bothered him more than he wished to admit. Ralph was not a man to exaggerate danger, and he knew more about the worldly ways of men than Ernest did. Hadn’t Ralph sired a child with an Englisha woman? Thankfully the Lord turned such sins into goot things. Susanna plainly showed that grace in her life, but still…

  Ernest jiggled the reins and urged Gambit onward. His farm had been neglected long enough while he chased after a woman. Yet this chase was necessary, and from the looks of things, he would be spending a lot more of his time trying to secure Susanna as his frau. He would not back down, though, he told himself. The wedding would be this fall. Ralph and Linda would help him make that happen.

  Ernest drove on and listened to the beat of Gambit’s hooves on the pavement, and by the time he pulled into his own driveway, a smile was back on his face.

  “Whoa there,” Ernest called out as he brought Gambit to a halt by the barn. Katherine opened the front door, and both girls came running out to meet him. Ernest let the reins fall as he leaped down from the buggy and gathered Lizzie and Martha into his arms. They both burst into giggles and kissed his bearded face.

  “I was first!” Lizzie declared to her sister.

  “No you were not,” Martha insisted. “I kissed Daett first.”

  “I did!” Lizzie retorted.

  Ernest silenced both of them with a touch to their lips. “Shush now, both of you. Daett has given you a hug and you’ve kissed him. Now he has to work in the fields.”

  “Okay,” Martha said. Lizzie turned to run back to the house, and Martha followed without hesitation.

  Ernest smiled as he watched the two girls reach the house and vanish indoors. How could Susanna not love the two little ones? Maybe that was his answer. He would take Lizzie and Martha along for his next visit to Susanna. Perhaps he could even send the girls over to say hello to Susanna some Sunday at the meeting. Yah, that might work, but how would he explain things to Lizzie and Martha? The girls needed a reason they could understand. He couldn’t just say, “I’m going to marry Susanna this fall, and she will soon be your new mamm.” Both Lizzie and Martha were too young to hear such grown-up news. But he would take the girls along to the Millers’ place. That much he could do. Both girls would enjoy a visit, and so would Susanna.

  Ernest smiled and unhitched Gambit from the buggy.

  Chapter Twelve

  It was a cool, moonless night, and Joey shivered as he waited in his car. He was parked under the large oak tree south of the Millers’ place. Any closer to the house and someone would see him. Susanna would have to travel the distance on foot—if she came to meet him. That remained the big question.

  After all, Susanna might not have received the letter he sent, and even if she did, Susanna might have a family engagement for the evening that would prevent her from meeting him. He should have been man enough to stop by and ask to speak with Susanna in person, but her father had been outside the barn the last time he drove past. One look from the road at the man’s stern face had been all Joey needed. Contact with Susanna by that route was doomed.

  So he had begged for an official DeKalb Building Supply envelope from the manager for his missive. Mr. Kenny hadn’t agreed until Joey had provided further details—enough to enlist Mr. Kenny’s grudging support.

  “Only once,” Mr. Kenny had warned him. “And if the Miller family finds the letter or Susanna hands it over to them, and if Mr. Miller comes in here to ask why I was involved, I’m telling him the truth.”

  “Fair enough,” Joey had allowed.

  Mr. Kenny had grinned. “I don’t want to lose any Amish business over this fuss.”

  “You won’t,” Joey said, hoping he was telling the truth.

  “Okay, then,” Mr. Kenny said. “I hope this all turns out well. I do like the idea of giving the woman a choice. Susanna’s a nice girl. I want to see her happy, whatever she decides.”

  Joey had smiled and left with the empty envelope in his coat pocket. At home he had composed the letter with care. Just the right words were needed, but his normally ready tongue had seemed to fail him. What if Susanna was really happy with her Amish life? But that couldn’t be. He had only to think of the way she caressed the piano keys. Besides, Susanna had hinted at problems with her family. Surely she would find a way to sneak out of the house and meet with him. If not, he would check again tomorrow night. His instructions had been plain enough.

  Dear Susanna,

  I hope this finds you well. Sorry for the subterfuge in contacting you, but I don’t know any other way that doesn’t cause worse problems for you. Be assured that Mr. Kenny gave me the envelope and knows why I want to contact you. He thinks very highly of you and wants to see you happy. I’m sure he’d give you your job back if you decide you want it.

  But that’s not why I’m writing. I would like to meet with you, Susanna. I miss your friendship, and something doesn’t seem right about your current situation. You wouldn’t tell me why when I dropped you off at your house that Sunday afternoon. Maybe you will now. I hope you trust me enough to confide in me. But if you are really happy with the present situation, I want to hear that too. If you tell me you don’t want to see me again, I guess I can accept that—eventually.

  Please meet me under the large oak tree south of your place. It’s where the lane goes into Mr. Williams’s farm. No one should disturb us there, or I’ll take you into town if you wish. Anywhere you are most comfortable to talk. I’ll be under the tree in the dark of the moon on Wednesday and Thursday evenings at ten. Your music still haunts me, Susanna. Don’t silence such beauty or banish from your life the joy God has given you.

  Hope to see you,

  Joey

  Joey peered into the darkness. How long should he wait? He had said ten o’clock, but Susanna might have been delayed. The clock on his dashboard said twenty after. He would wait a few more minutes. There was still tomorrow night, but he was sure Susanna would come tonight if she’d come at all.

  Joey opened the car door and stepped outside to stretch his legs. There were tight knots in both of them and in his shoulders. He swung his arms to loosen the muscles. How must Susanna feel if he felt this tense as he waited? Susanna would have to sneak out of the house and find her way through the fields. She wouldn’t come by the road. That would be too obvious. He should have chosen a closer spot, Joey chided himself, but he hadn’t dared. As usual Susanna bore the heaviest end of this deal, but it couldn’t be helped.

  “Joey.” Her soft whisper made him whirl about.

  “Susanna?” he called back.

  Her form slowly became visible. Her breath came in short gasps. He reached for her hand.

  “You did come!” Joey opened the car door. “Sit inside until you catch your breath.”

  She shook her head and then leaned against his car. “This is fine. I’m just…well, I had to hurry.”

  Joey glanced toward the Miller home, where a low light burned in a window. He couldn’t remember whether it had been there before.

  “I’m so sorry about this,” he said. “Were you
seen?”

  Her fingers clung to his. “No. Oh, Joey, it was such a relief to hear from you. I…” Her voice trailed off.

  Joey stepped closer. “I care about you, Susanna. I hope you know that, and that I’m worried. What is going on?”

  Susanna dropped her gaze. “I can’t tell you, Joey. Or rather, I’m ashamed to tell. There are things…” She stopped again. “Oh, I wish that everything could go on the way it did before. I lie awake at night in bed and hear the music in my head. I can hardly stand it, but what else can I do?”

  He hesitated. “Has something else happened?”

  She bit her lip. “I can’t say what’s wrong, Joey. Daett committed a horrible sin…and I never knew.”

  He regarded her for a moment. “This sounds like riddles to me. Can you tell me what he did?”

  A tear trickled down her face. “No, Joey. My people are still my people, and I will bear their shame with them.”

  “What shame? I still don’t understand.”

  She looked away. “Can’t we speak of something else? Just hold me. Whisper to me that everything will be all right.”

  He opened his arms and pulled her close. “Whatever troubles you, I’m here,” he said. “Shall I take you home with me? You can stay there for a few days, and we’ll find you an apartment after that. Mr. Kenny will give you your old job back. You don’t have to live like this, Susanna.”

  She looked up at him. “If only, Joey. If only I could, but there is…” She buried her face in his chest. “Oh, I can’t say it. I’d lose even you, Joey…”

  He reached up to hold her hand. “You’re talking in riddles again. Please tell me what happened, Susanna.”

  She wiggled out of his arms and glanced toward the house. The light was burning brighter now. Or was there another lamp in the window? Joey couldn’t tell.

  “They’ll be looking for me soon,” she said. “I thought I heard Mamm stirring in the bedroom when I went out the washroom door, but I couldn’t wait and look. I can’t climb the roof the way my brothers can.” Susanna gave a little laugh. “Breaking a leg would have been a real disaster, on top of sneaking out to see you.”

  “The only disaster will be if I don’t see you again,” he said.

  She shook her head. “I don’t think I can. Don’t you see how my life is?”

  “No, I don’t see,” Joey said. “I wish you would tell me, but since you won’t…or can’t…just know that I’m here, and that I’ll always be your friend.”

  “I have to go now.” She turned her gaze toward the house and then back to Joey. “I can’t thank you enough for what you brought into my life. I wish it could have gone on forever.”

  Joey reached for his belt and unclipped his cell phone. “Here!” A plan raced through his mind. “Take this. Keep it turned off until you want to call me. The battery should last a while. You can call me at home.” He reached in the glove box of his car, pulled out a pen and a pad of paper, and scribbled down the phone number.

  Susanna stared at the phone in her palm. “No. I cannot take this. Mamm is up, I’m sure, and she will be able to tell by my face that something’s wrong. She’ll know!”

  Joey looked away. Desperation gripped him. Somehow he must stay in touch with Susanna.

  He reached back into his car and pulled out a bag that had held his fast-food dinner. “Here. Better yet. I’ll get a spare, and we’ll put the cell in this bag and leave it under this oak tree. You can come out tomorrow to retrieve it.”

  Susanna nodded and then said, “But please don’t ever call me. I’d never be able to explain the sound of a cell phone ringing.”

  He nodded. “I promise, but don’t forget to call me if you need to.”

  A smile played on her face. “I promise.”

  “Oh, Susanna.” Joey reached for her hands and she clung to them. “Get in the car with me,” he begged. “We can leave and never come back to whatever problem you have here.”

  “I can’t leave. These are my people.” She pulled herself away, her face solemn. She glanced across the darkened field. “And you don’t know everything about me, Joey. I really must go now.”

  Joey took a step after her, but Susanna had already disappeared into the darkness. He heard the soft twang of barbed wire in the field along the ditch line, followed by silence. She had left as quietly as she had come. Like a night owl on the wind currents, Susanna could probably see in the dark.

  Joey smiled after her, more convinced than ever that whatever Susanna’s trouble was, he would see her through it…somehow. He took another glance toward the Millers’ house before he climbed in his car and turned the key, the headlights cutting a broad swath across the fields in the dark night.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Susanna paused near the barn and looked back over her shoulder. She gasped at the sound of the car engine, and the stream of light that flooded the fields south of the Miller home. Whoever was up in the house would surely see the sudden appearance of Joey’s headlights. The chance to slip into the house unnoticed was past. Nor could she claim that she had been out on a midnight stroll.

  Susanna watched as the headlights bounced past the house and faded into the distance. She could have gone with Joey but had chosen not to. Now the results of her decision must be faced. Susanna set her shoulders and approached the front porch. The dim light in the house had moved into the living room, so someone was waiting for her. Her heart pounding, Susanna went up the steps and pushed open the front door to see Mamm’s worried face framed in the light of the kerosene lamp.

  “Susanna!” Mamm grabbed her arm.

  Before she could respond, Daett entered from the bedroom and his stern face joined Mamm’s worried one. “How long have you been out, Susanna?” he demanded.

  “Not long.” She dropped her gaze to the floor, but it was a little late for a display of humility.

  Daett’s words were clipped. “An Englisha vehicle just cut on its lights moments ago south of the house. Does that have anything to do with you?”

  Why couldn’t you have had some sense, Joey? Susanna didn’t say the words aloud, but she groaned quietly.

  “Does it?” Daett demanded. “Tell me the truth. Why were you out at this hour of the night?”

  “I went to meet Joey,” Susanna whispered.

  Mamm gave a little shriek, and Daett reached over to slip his arm around Mamm’s shoulder.

  Mamm held the kerosene lamp off to the side with one hand and clung to Daett with the other. “Oh, Ralph, how could this happen?”

  Daett held Mamm close and whispered, “My sins continue to haunt us. I’m shamed beyond words, and I pray this will end soon. If not, I will have to go out of the house dressed in sackcloth and ashes.”

  “A lot of goot that would do us.” Mamm let go of Daett and pulled out a handkerchief to dab her eyes. “It’s time you dealt with this daughter of yours. I’ve tried to stay hopeful and think the best, but this is too much.” Mamm let out a loud cry and handed the lamp to Daett. Without a backward glance she fled toward the bedroom.

  Daett and Susanna stood motionless, as if frozen in place. Was this all her fault? How could it be? She had not chosen an Englisha woman for her mother. That had been Daett’s choice, and he was the one who had kept the truth hidden for so long.

  Susanna gave Daett a quick glance. What horrible thoughts these were. Daett wanted nothing but the best for his family, yet only moments ago she had clung to Joey with desperation. Susanna stared at the darkened hardwood floor. Oh, the horribleness of it all! She was being torn asunder by these conflicting emotions, and there was nothing anyone could do about it—she least of all.

  Daett finally broke the silence. “We should sit and talk.” He lowered the lamp onto the desk. “Come.” Daett took Susanna’s hand, and together they sat on the couch.

  Her whole body stiffened. Daett’s lecture would be long, and her heart would be torn into smaller pieces. Why did all of this have to happen to her? Had the Lord no mercy on her situ
ation?

  Daett’s voice caught. “I loved your mamm, Susanna—that is, your Englisha mamm—as I love you. The Lord forgive me, but I did.”

  Susanna drew a long breath and looked up into Daett’s face. Had she heard right? The words finally came. “Then why did this happen to me and you? Why did she die? Why are we not together?”

  Daett winced. “You should know the answer to that question, Susanna. You have been brought up among the people. The Lord does what He does, and He does not ask us for permission.”

  “So my real mamm had to die so things could be made right for us?” The words were bitter, and Susanna looked away from Daett’s face.

  Daett hung his head. “I don’t know the answer to such things, Susanna. I am a simple man. I wish that Mindy could have lived and married me here in the community. But she chose not to.”

  Susanna looked again at her daett. “So it was the Lord’s will that I be raised in the community. That’s why Mamm had to die?”

  Daett shook his head. “If you had been raised by Mindy, the Lord would have watched over you. But you were not. So this is His will, and you should not fight it, Susanna.”

  “And is this the Lord’s will, that I lock myself away in marriage to a man I do not love?”

  Daett met Susanna’s intense gaze. “So this is what troubles you—marriage to Ernest? But it must not. Any woman can learn to love, and Ernest will be kind to you. He will hold you close to his heart and cherish you. His two small children will fill your days with fruitful labor. You are not being locked away. You are being given a new life. Your heart should be filled with gratitude for the patience the community has with you and with me.”

  How could she forget that point? The whole community held itself together somehow. What affected one affected them all. She had always relished the closeness, but now the weight of the community bore down on her until she couldn’t breathe. Daett’s voice broke into her thoughts. “Susanna?”

  “Yah?” Susanna didn’t look at him.