Until I Love Again

by Jerry S. Eicher

  “She didn’t mean it,” Mamm explained. “The stress of this morning has affected her mind. And Susanna has barely eaten all day. I’m sure she’ll be better by tomorrow. Just to be sure, I’ll see that she eats right after you leave.”

  “Maybe she ought to eat now,” Ernest said. He turned to Susanna. “You shouldn’t say such things. The Lord is in this match, and it wouldn’t be decent to switch horses in midstream.”

  “You’re right, Ernest,” Daett assured him. “You wouldn’t do something like that. You are a man of your word, but still…I wouldn’t blame you if you wanted to adjust your course. Susanna has given you plenty of cause to do so, and I will say nothing in the least against your character if you change your mind.”

  “I am committed.” Ernest sat down and leaned back in his chair. “As any God-fearing man should be. I stayed by my first frau’s side through her illness, and I cannot do less with Susanna.”

  “But I don’t love you, Ernest,” Susanna tried again. “I’ve already told you that. There are other women in the community who can love you.”

  Ernest stared for a moment. “You seem serious about this. Has someone said something I ought to know about?”

  Susanna paused. It was not her place to reveal Emma’s crush. “I speak only for myself,” she finished. “But I am sure there are other women in the community who can give you what I cannot give.”

  “Your daett says it was Emma Yutzy who took part in this deception with you. Has she been planting these ideas in your head, Susanna? Is she why you went to meet your Englisha friend this morning? All this begins to make sense now. The nerve of the woman. To think that…” Ernest snorted at the thought. “Emma will be dealt with. This surely disqualifies her from continuing in the baptismal class, to say the least.”

  “No! That’s not what I meant.” Susanna tried to stand, but collapsed back onto the couch.

  “That’s a little harsh, don’t you think?” Daett said.

  “Not with an important issue like this,” Ernest retorted. “I have taken a great risk with Susanna. What will the community think if my judgment is called into question? Emma is to blame for this escapade—that’s what I say. The matter could not be clearer in my mind. She has gotten things into her head no woman should dare think.” Ernest waved his hand about. “Emma would have me take her home from the hymn singing by her own choosing. She’s almost making her own marriage proposal like the Englisha people do. That’s the message Emma is sending—as if I would pick her over Susanna!”

  “Yah, we understand,” Mamm said, reaching over to touch his arm. “But do calm down. You’ll have our boys coming down to see what the matter is, and I don’t want this broadcast further than necessary. We are shamed enough already.”

  “Emma meant this only for your best interest and for mine,” Susanna tried again. “She really does care for you, and I don’t. And you can’t blame Emma if she does have a crush on you. At least she’s looking out for you. And besides, Emma has said nothing about a marriage proposal from you.”

  Ernest glared. “The best love comes after the vows are said. I’ve been a married man, Susanna, and I know. Before the vows, men and women only dream of love—that’s what both you and Emma are doing. I don’t dream because I know where the Lord causes true love to grow. Am I not demonstrating this love to you right now? What would you do if I turned my back on you? Would you jump the fence into the world? Would you, Susanna?”

  “I hadn’t planned to,” Susanna managed, “but…”

  “See there!” Ernest proclaimed with a triumphant look. “That proves my point.”

  “But I was with Joey this afternoon, and I was greatly comforted,” Susanna whispered. “That may not be love yet, but it’s better than what I have with you.”

  “What did you say?” Ernest stared at her.

  “You don’t want to know.” Mamm tugged on Susanna’s arm. “I have to get her something to eat. This discussion has gone on long enough for someone in Susanna’s condition.”

  Ernest opened his mouth to protest, but Mamm already held Susanna by the arm and propelled her toward the kitchen as if she were still a small girl.

  “I wanted him to hear that,” Susanna whispered.

  Mamm ignored her and pulled out a kitchen chair. “Sit!”

  “Why won’t you listen to me?” Susanna continued. “I’ll just tell him all this later.”

  “You just go right ahead,” Mamm retorted. “If you do, then my part in your recovery ends. I’m doing this for your daett’s sake and not for yours. I always thought I could call you my own daughter when the Lord chose not to give me any, but I don’t know anymore. You should get down on your knees and thank the Lord that Ernest still wants to marry you after this morning’s capers. What were you thinking, Susanna? Or did Emma plan all this last Sunday afternoon when she was over here? Is that what happened?”

  Susanna opened her mouth, but Mamm cut her off. “You don’t have to say a word. I see the truth, but it’s still your decision—regardless of what Emma told you. Responsibility is the first order of business, and I know Emma is your friend, but friends don’t help their friends jump the fence. From now on you’re staying away from her. That’s all I can say. And keep your mouth shut about the details of your time with Joey this morning. Enough has been said already.”

  “Emma is as honest as the day is long,” Susanna tried again. “She has Ernest’s best interest at heart. What if I were to leave Ernest after I’ve said the vows with him?”

  Mamm stopped, a slab of ham in her hand. “You would do such a thing?”

  “Maybe?”

  Mamm shook her head. “You wouldn’t. That much I know about you.”

  Susanna buried her head in her hands on the tabletop. What was the use? All her life she had imagined a long courtship, filled with drives home from the hymn singings on Sunday evenings. Some handsome young man drove the buggy, though the man’s face had never been clear in her mind. But the young man she had hoped for had never appeared—and now she understood why. She had only been dreaming, the way all of her life had been a dream. A false dream!

  “Eat!” Mamm pushed the sandwich into Susanna’s hand.

  Susanna tried to take a bite, but her hand trembled too much to lift the sandwich.

  Mamm sighed and sat down beside her to cut a piece. “There. Maybe that will help.”

  Susanna picked up the bite of sandwich and put it in her mouth. She chewed but couldn’t swallow for the longest time. Mamm cut off another piece and waited. She’d be here all night until she ate, Susanna was sure. With a great effort the first mouthful went down.

  “That’s better,” Mamm said. “You’ll get through this, but I do declare I’ve not seen so much patience expended on one girl in my lifetime.”

  Susanna pressed back the tears as Daett peeked into the kitchen. “How are we doing?” he asked.

  “She’s eating,” Mamm said, as if that solved everything.

  “Ernest would like to speak with Susanna before he goes.” Daett motioned over his shoulder. “He’s waiting. Can she come now?”

  “I suppose so.” Mamm got to her feet and helped Susanna stand. “Can you walk without my help? It would look better if you did.”

  Susanna didn’t respond. She needed all her strength to face Ernest again. Slowly she moved forward and into the living room. Ernest had a warm smile on his face and motioned for her to sit. Susanna looked over her shoulder, but Daett had stayed in the kitchen with Mamm. She was on her own. Her legs weakened under her, but Susanna managed to lower herself gracefully to the couch.

  Ernest took her hand in his. “I’m really sorry that Emma has led you into temptation, Susanna. She will be dealt with kindly, but I will see to it that something is done. This cannot go unpunished.”

  “She meant this for good, and for your sake. Can’t you see that?” Susanna forced herself to meet Ernest’s gaze.

  Ernest’s smile was still kind. “You’re a true friend to say su
ch things, but Emma doesn’t know what’s in my best interest. The fact that she tells you she does is wrong of her. She will be stopped, and our wedding this fall will still happen. Surely you will consent now that this awful thing is behind us. Think on that for a few days and see if I am not right. I wanted to tell you that my offer still stands in case you sorrowed overmuch or blamed yourself for this weakness. This isn’t your fault. The Lord will help us through this valley. We will make it together.”

  “But Emma—” Susanna tried again.

  Ernest shook his head. “Good night now. Try to get some rest, and just don’t give in to temptation again.”

  Susanna dropped her gaze and said nothing, but Ernest didn’t seem to need an answer. He let go of her hand, and seconds later the front door closed behind him.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Saturday morning found Ernest sitting at his breakfast table, idly staring at the wall. Thoughts churned through his mind, and a great weariness filled him. He had left the Millers’ place full of confidence that Susanna’s escapade with the Englisha man could be handled easily, but doubts had come afterward. Now he had experienced another sleepless night, and the day was beginning whether or not he was ready. Little Lizzie, seated beside him, tapped his arm. He looked down at her, but she had her mouth stuffed full of bread and jam at the moment and couldn’t speak.

  “Don’t eat so fast,” he chided, and then went back to his thoughts.

  “What’s wrong with you this morning?” Katherine asked for the second time since they had sat down to eat.

  Ernest tried to smile. Katherine was still ignorant of all that had transpired this week with Susanna, and she could stay that way for a while—at least until further measures had been taken to contain the damage.

  “It’s not something I’m doing wrong with the housework, is it?” Katherine asked.

  “Of course not.” Ernest reached across the table to squeeze Katherine’s hand. “You couldn’t do a better job keeping this house. For that I will always be grateful.”

  “It’s your wedding this fall, then.” Enlightenment dawned on Katherine’s face. “You must really be in love if you’re so taken up with the plans. Was that what your trip to see Susanna was about earlier this week? Has the wedding been moved back a bit perhaps?”

  Ernest looked away before he answered. “Everything will be okay, I think. But I have to call on Deacon Herman before he leaves the house this morning.”

  “About the wedding?”

  “It’s not about—” Ernest began, but caught himself. “Don’t worry,” he tried to tease. “Joe Schrock still likes you, and he hasn’t done anything bad.”

  Katherine gave him a skeptical look. “I already know that. It’s you I’m worried about.”

  “Everything’s fine,” he proclaimed, jumping up from the table without the usual prayer of thanksgiving.

  He felt Katherine’s gaze following him out the door, but Ernest didn’t look back. He had already told her where he planned to go, and that was all the information Katherine needed. Her concern touched him deeply, but she couldn’t do anything about his problem with Susanna.

  Ernest entered the barn and threw the harness on Gambit. Five minutes later he was in the buggy and driving out of the lane. He urged the horse on and within minutes pulled to a stop beside Deacon Herman’s barn. Several cattle in the barnyard lifted their heads to stare at him, but Ernest ignored them as he glanced around. Deacon Herman should still be in the barn at this early hour unless he’d had a late breakfast. Ernest had hoped to arrive before there was any chance the deacon had left on his Saturday church rounds.

  Once Deacon Herman learned of Susanna and Emma’s escapade this week, there might be other stops for the deacon to make. The least of which was a long conversation with Bishop Enos. The next baptismal class was tomorrow, and Emma Yutzy must be dealt with. On this he was more convinced than ever. Susanna had given in to weakness, but Emma had been the tempter. No other answer made sense. Emma’s bold ways could not go unchecked. If she was left alone, everyone in the close-knit community could be affected eventually.

  Ernest climbed out of the buggy to tie Gambit to the hitching ring, which was nailed on the side of the barn. Herman still hadn’t appeared, but he must be in the barn. If not, Ernest would walk up to the house and check.

  The barn door creaked as Ernest pushed it open. “Goot morning,” he called out. “Anyone around?”

  A muffled voice called from the direction of the haymow. “Over here.”

  Ernest walked toward the voice, and Deacon Herman appeared with a bale of straw in his hands. The deacon chuckled. “I thought you’d find your way in. I’m just tossing the horses their bedding for the day before I hit the road on church business.”

  “Long list, huh?” Ernest muttered. “I’m afraid I have another one to add, and a big one at that.”

  “You could arrive with a little more cheerful news, you know.” Deacon Herman smiled in spite of his words. “But it’s the way things go, I guess.” He spread the straw liberally in one stall before he moved on. “So what’s been happening that you have to pay me this early morning visit?”

  “Susanna Miller and Emma Yutzy,” Ernest said as he followed the deacon’s steps. “The two got themselves into a heap of trouble this week, and Emma’s to blame, if you ask me. That’s what needs looking into. The girl should be thrown out of the baptismal class tomorrow. What she’s done cannot go unpunished. How can we exist as a community if such things are tolerated in our women, let alone from our unmarried women? The nerve of the girl!” Ernest ended his exclamation with a kick into the newly spread straw. “I have never seen anything quite like this.”

  Deacon Herman laughed. “That does sound serious, but perhaps you should begin at the beginning. Give me all the details as you know them. And don’t leave anything out. Maybe it won’t be as serious once you tell the story in the light of day. Sometimes things turn out that way, you know.”

  Ernest snorted. “I doubt it in this case. Susanna’s daett had me over, and we discussed it thoroughly with Susanna, so I’m thinking the light of day test is already behind us. Things aren’t looking upward much. Even Ralph says—”

  Deacon Herman silenced him with an upraised hand. “Just give me the story. You can fill in Ralph’s part when you get there. I do have to get on the road, you know, and from the sound of it this will make my day even longer.”

  “Sorry.” Ernest hung his head. “But this is trying my patience too. Please understand that.” When Deacon Herman didn’t respond, Ernest hurried on with the story. He talked for nearly twenty minutes with no pause but to take his breath.

  “I see,” Deacon Herman commented when Ernest finished. “So Emma is in love with you?”

  “I did not say that,” Ernest sputtered. “She thinks she is, and what a woman thinks can be a very dangerous thing. Emma must be dealt with. We cannot have wild imaginations floating around in the community like this, causing damage to our people. Look at what has happened already between Susanna and me.”

  Deacon Herman gave Ernest a sharp look. “Tell me about that. Did you ever get things straightened out with Susanna?”

  Ernest glared. “After our initial talk, Susanna was much happier at services the next Sunday. You have to admit that. I still plan to marry the woman this fall, and that’s that. Susanna is seriously considering my proposal, especially since she has been unsettled by her own weakness this past week. Surely you have no objections to the match? I mean, after all, I am a widower who should have been married a long time ago, what with my two small kinner. Already I’m tasking my sister Katherine’s endurance way above what is normal. Katherine should be at home helping our mamm instead of housekeeping for me. That way—”

  “I know that,” Deacon Herman interrupted. “And Susanna did seem a little happier after my talk with you, but my frau thinks there is still a sadness underneath. Not that I would know such things about women, but that’s what Rebecca told me on o
ur drive home from the Sunday services.”

  Ernest stared in horror. “You speak with your frau about church matters?”

  Deacon Herman smiled. “No, I mentioned nothing about you and Susanna. Rebecca offered me the information on her own. See, Rebecca’s not the only woman who’s concerned about Susanna and you. There are others, including Bishop Enos’s frau, Lydia. They like to see young brides in love and glowing with happiness. That is the way of our people, you know.”

  “But Susanna is,” Ernest objected. “And this is all beside the point. Can we get down to business and deal with Emma? The woman must have some punishment. Surely you don’t think otherwise.”

  Deacon Herman nodded. “I will stop in and speak with her before I see Bishop Enos this afternoon. I’m sure a confession in private might be what is needed. I can’t imagine that Emma would be tempted to jump the fence the way Susanna is. And the woman does have affections for you, it seems, so we can’t—”

  “This is outrageous!” Ernest exclaimed. “How can you speak so? I have Susanna to worry about, and our wedding this fall. And you talk of confessions for the woman who led Susanna astray. Why, Emma should be banned if it were possible. But since she isn’t a member, dropping her from the baptismal class is the least you could do.”

  “Are you now in the ministry, Ernest?” Deacon Herman didn’t smile. “Be careful of what you say and the orders you give.”

  Ernest tried to simmer himself down. It wouldn’t do any good to rile up Deacon Herman at this point. Still, something had to be done.

  Deacon Herman regarded Ernest for a moment before he spoke again. “I can see what you’re thinking, Ernest. ‘Wait until the rest of the community finds out about this.’ Well, I’d advise you to keep quiet until the ministry can get to the bottom of it. What Susanna and Emma did is very serious. Let me be clear about that. You are correct in saying that we can’t tolerate such things, but the truth is, Susanna may be the root of this problem. I’m thinking you may be too blind to see straight on the matter. You’re too taken with Susanna’s beauty, but the rest of us aren’t. Susanna has been a problem for many years—in fact, ever since Ralph took her into his home as a child. Many questioned the wisdom of such a move, but we don’t have hearts of stone. Jesus reached out to sinners while He walked on this earth. We wished to follow Christ’s example, but in the meantime there was, and is, a real danger that Susanna will never be one of us. You can’t force these things, Ernest. Susanna had an Englisha mamm. That can never be changed. We wanted to give Ralph a chance to raise his daughter in the faith, but things can only be taken so far. You have spoken correctly that this is not a light matter, and neither is taking a frau like Susanna. On that point, you should take into account your own preaching, I think.”