Until I Love Again

by Jerry S. Eicher

  Ernest caught his breath and turned away. “I can’t believe this,” he muttered. “Surely Bishop Enos doesn’t think this way.”

  Deacon Herman shrugged. “The bishop is as concerned about this situation as I am. We cannot have someone in our midst who is not one of us.”

  “But Susanna is—” Ernest stopped. The deacon would not be convinced. He might as well save his words and reputation. A rebellious attitude was not wise, even if he thought he was right. “I just hope the ministry makes the right choice on this matter,” Ernest said instead.

  “That’s better.” Deacon Herman smiled.

  Ernest stared at the ground. “I’d best be going, then, but I still plan to wed Susanna this fall. Whatever happens, that won’t change. She will be agreeing to it soon.”

  “I would think you should have Susanna’s consent to be your frau by now. Doesn’t that trouble you?” Deacon Herman had his gaze fixed on Ernest.

  Ernest searched for words. He could not lie. “I have had my doubts, yah, especially this past week, but I also trust in the Lord. I have the faith that Susanna can be the frau I desire to have. The wedding vows would make our union sacred, and that’s goot enough for me.”

  “I see.” Deacon Herman moved away from the stall door. “And yet I don’t see. This whole situation with Susanna has been murky ever since I’ve heard of it. That’s not goot, and I’m gravely concerned. I’m sure you agree, Ernest. We must see clearly on this.”

  Ernest didn’t hesitate. “I do see clearly. Susanna will not leave me once she has said the vows. Of that I am sure.”

  Deacon Herman shrugged. “The vows are not meant to keep a person inside the fence, Ernest, but rather to keep trouble out. Think about that. It seems to me you’re using the sacred words for all the wrong reasons. You would cage a woman’s heart when she longs for the freedom that we do not believe in. She may desire the freedom the Englisha world gives.”

  “But Susanna cannot marry another man from the community! You know no one else would take her. Her only hope is to marry me!”

  Deacon Herman nodded. “This is true, but maybe they are wiser than you are. Maybe Susanna does not belong with us. Maybe Emma has more sense than you do. That’s what I’m saying.”

  Ernest sputtered but could find no words. This was indeed an outrage, and one he had not expected. He turned on his heels and stomped out. Gambit looked up when Ernest slammed the barn door behind him. This display of temper wouldn’t help, but the deacon already thought the worst of him. A little temper tantrum could do no more harm. The deacon needed to know Ernest took this affront seriously. If things kept moving in this direction, Bishop Enos might forbid his marriage to Susanna. That must never happen.

  Ernest untied Gambit from the hitching ring, climbed back in the buggy, and sped out of the deacon’s driveway at a fast trot.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Later that afternoon, Joey pulled into the Millers’ driveway. The barn door was swinging back and forth on the gentle afternoon breeze. Several buggies sat in front of the barn with their shafts turned toward the road. No doubt the buggies would be in use tomorrow for the Sunday service. How he dared to stop in today was the question. And yet he felt he must speak with someone from the Miller family. After meeting with Susanna and hearing about her plight, he must respond. Maybe Susanna’s father was the man to once more approach. Were not the Amish men in charge of their households?

  A young man peered out of the barn door and stared at him. The face vanished, and Joey climbed out of his car. This made things easier, now that someone had shown himself.

  Joey strolled toward the barn door but stopped when Susanna’s father stepped out.

  “Good afternoon, Mr. Miller,” Joey greeted him. “I wonder if I could speak with you for a moment.”

  “I thought I told you that my daughter must be left alone,” Ralph replied. “Why can’t you Englisha people listen?”

  Joey met his gaze. “I think Susanna has decided that question for us, Mr. Miller. She came to see me this week, in case she hasn’t told you.”

  The man winced. “Susanna told me everything that happened. But Susanna was lured into something that wasn’t in her best interest. That’s being taken care of now by the man who will marry her this fall. Did Susanna tell you that? About her upcoming marriage?”

  “But not to a man she loves,” Joey shot back.

  Ralph stepped closer. “We are a people of community, young man. Susanna may not feel all that she should at the moment for Ernest Helmuth, but love comes softly at times. It does not come in a rush, despite what you Englisha seem to think. We are here to help Susanna, not to harm her. Let us be clear about that. Susanna is my daughter, and I will keep her in the life that is best for her. Your world has nothing to offer her but heartbreak and sorrow and regrets.”

  Joey regarded the man for a moment. “You sound as though you speak from experience. Would this concern Susanna’s mother? Are you sure that your feelings aren’t colored by your own history in my world?”

  Ralph’s gaze shifted. “We will not speak of what I did wrong,” he said. “Yah, I sinned, but I have done what I could to make things right again…and the Lord gave me the opportunity to do so when Susanna was brought to our home. I will not allow you to undo the work of the Lord just because—”

  The front door of the house swung open behind them, and Ralph turned to see Susanna approaching.

  “There’s your answer,” Joey said as Susanna came closer. “What you’re doing to Susanna isn’t right. I will do everything in my power to show her that she doesn’t have to go through with this.”

  “You have the world and its temptations on your side,” Ralph shot back. “I have only the Lord and love in my heart for my daughter.”

  “Then you should give Susanna her freedom,” Joey said.

  Ralph didn’t answer, but turned to face Susanna. He held out both hands to her. “My daughter, do not give in to this temptation. Not again. We love you, and so does Ernest. Tell this young man to leave.”

  Susanna stopped in front of her father and took his hands in hers. “Daett, I know you want what is right, and so do I. I’ve wanted to stay in the community, but I also want what is out there. Don’t blame my real mamm or Joey for that. It’s the fault of my own heart, and there’s no use pretending otherwise. Ernest may think he knows what is best for himself, but he doesn’t deserve a frau who pines for the world. How do I know if my marriage vows would hold me faithful? I’m glad Joey came by. It gives me a chance to get away, to maybe clear my mind. I have to follow my heart, Daett, instead of fighting it all the time. I’m sorry that I’m doing this again, but I have to go.”

  Susanna leaned forward and kissed her daett’s bearded cheek. “Joey will take me to his place to spend the afternoon with his family. Then he will bring me home.”

  Ralph dropped his gaze and said nothing. His shoulders sagged.

  “I’m sorry, Daett. I don’t mean to hurt you.” Susanna gave him another quick kiss and wiped the tears from her eyes before she turned to Joey. “It seems like we keep coming full circle. Will you take me?”

  “Of course.” Joey reached for her hand.

  Ralph’s mournful gaze followed them on their walk toward the car. Joey opened and closed the car door for Susanna before he climbed in himself. Ralph stood at the same spot when Joey glanced over his shoulder. Susanna didn’t look back as Joey started the car and drove out of the lane.

  “You did the right thing,” Joey assured her. “I’m once again glad I stopped by. I struggled with the decision and wondered if it was the right thing to do, but when you came out on the porch all the fog cleared away.”

  Susanna tried to smile. “I sort of feel like I’m sliding down a long chute to who knows where. I can’t stop, and soon there won’t be any going back. In fact, I may already have passed that point. This can’t go on, you know. I’ve shattered Daett’s confidence in me and the confidence I had in myself. Oh, Joey.” Susanna rea
ched for his hand. “What am I going to do?”

  “You’re going home with me right now,” Joey said. “That always seems to help.”

  “You are a godsend,” Susanna whispered, and a wisp of a smile formed on her face. “You seem to know what needs to be said at all the right times.”

  Joey smiled. “I’m glad to help, although I don’t think your father thinks I’m much of a help.”

  Susanna’s face clouded. “No, but you are to me.”

  “And that’s all that matters to me,” Joey said with a grin.

  “Joey, can I change my mind?” Susanna asked. “Instead of going to your house, can we go down to the river in Heuvelton for a while and sit along the water’s edge?”

  “Your wish is my command,” Joey said.

  Susanna’s slight smile turned into a beam of light. “That would be perfect. What better music than the Lord’s very own water falling over the rocks? If there’s time, maybe we can go by your house afterward.”

  “That sounds like a plan,” Joey said, and silence fell in the car as they approached the outskirts of the Heuvelton.

  Minutes later, Joey pulled into the parking lot by the riverbank. Susanna took in the view through the car window. “You first brought me here all those months ago when this whole affair began. Neither of us knew how tangled the web would become. To you, I looked Amish—but I wasn’t really. How could you be my friend? Back then and even now?”

  “Do you really need to ask?” Joey answered as he climbed out of the car to open her door. “Here’s your answer.” He took her hand in his and led her to the river’s edge, where they sat on a log. The murmur of water filled the air, and the smell of spring blossoms drifted over them. They had come to the right place from the look on Susanna’s face. She seemed lost in her thoughts, but peace was finally written on her face.

  Moments later she spoke. “Thanks for bringing me here. It’s so peaceful and so right somehow. I don’t know how to say it. I wish our lives were like this, perfectly in harmony with how the Lord made things. But I don’t think my life will ever be right again. I don’t see how it can, regardless of what choice I make.”

  “I don’t agree,” Joey protested. “I’ve told you before, I have confidence in you. You will make the right choice.”

  Susanna shook her head. “You don’t really know who I am, Joey. I’m half this and half that. I don’t think you can really understand how I’m torn between two worlds.”

  Joey didn’t protest this time. She was right. He couldn’t know her pain. He didn’t understand what it was like to have his affections torn in two directions. But he could see how Susanna was attracted to the life of the community and how she loved her father.

  “Do you think I could make a go of it in your world?” Susanna glanced at him. “If I jumped the fence, as we call it?”

  Joey didn’t hesitate. “Yes. I have no doubts you could make it. You have a brain, you have plenty of talent, and you’re beautiful.”

  Susanna blushed and looked away.

  Joey wanted to continue. He wanted to tell her how gorgeous she would be in a proper dress, with her hair done by his mother’s stylist—but that might confuse her more. She might be ready someday, but not yet.

  “Despite my rumspringa, I really don’t understand your world,” Susanna said. “I understand the Amish world.”

  “You could learn,” he offered. “It would come naturally with time.”

  Susanna winced. “Do you mean it would come naturally because of my birth mother?”

  Joey shook his head. “No, but you really mustn’t be angry with your mother, Susanna. She gave you life, and she must have loved your father. Things might have been different if she hadn’t passed. No doubt she would have raised you in her world, and—”

  “So do you think I’d be better off if I had never been Amish?”

  Joey hurried on. “I don’t deal in might-have-beens. Things are what they are. What I’m saying is that your mother loved you, and she still would love you—the way your father does. That would be true whatever your choice is.”

  “Whatever my choice is?” Susanna looked away.

  “Yes, whatever your choice is,” Joey said, slowly wrapping his arm around her shoulder to pull her close. She winced at first but then settled back.

  They clung to each other as the moments ticked past, with only the sounds of the river before them and the town behind them.

  “That was the best answer I was given in a long time,” Susanna finally said.

  Joey smiled and stood to his feet. “Shall we stop in at my parents for a few minutes to say hi and then get you back home?”

  Susanna nodded and followed him back to the car.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  On Sunday morning, Susanna kept her head down as she entered Deacon Herman’s home before the start of the service. Several of the women stared at her as she walked past. They all knew of her escapade this past week, but what would happen with her was the question. Daett had been tight-lipped last night after she defied him again and spent the afternoon with Joey. Clearly this had to end soon. Daett had gone somewhere for at least two hours after she came back. When Daett returned, his face showed his sorrow, written in long lines on his weather-beaten brow. That she had caused the agony in Daett’s heart tore at her own. Yet her time with Joey had been important. She needed to be with him yesterday. Where their relationship would go from there she didn’t know. Joey hadn’t pressured her about the future, nor would he.

  When he had dropped her off after the stop at his parents’ place, he had just given her a brief hug and said, “Thanks for a great afternoon. I’m so glad you agreed to come with me.”

  The tears had slipped down her cheeks, and she had stood frozen to the ground until Joey had said, “You’d better go in now. Just remember to let me know if you need anything.”

  Joey understood her in a way that baffled her mind and ripped at her heart all at the same time. Only Daett’s love had ever gotten this close to her, but Joey was only a friend. She had kept that refrain firmly fixed in her mind all last night. He’s a friend…he’s a friend… he’s a friend.

  Joey couldn’t become more to her. How could he? Beyond that question was how to handle her daett without hurting him more. If he had yelled at her last night or brought Ernest Helmuth back with him to lecture her, perhaps she’d have felt better this morning. But Daett hadn’t. His distress had only grown deeper.

  “Daett still loves me,” Susanna whispered to herself. She chose a spot in the back corner of the kitchen to hide, but she forced herself to look up when the unmarried women began to form a line and enter the living room. Someone touched her on the elbow, and Emma’s sober face was bent close to hers.

  “I’m sorry about all this,” Emma whispered. “Maybe I didn’t do the right thing after all.”

  “It’s okay,” Susanna whispered back.

  Deacon Herman’s frau, Rebecca, glanced at them, and Emma fell silent. Susanna tried to give Rebecca a smile, but the effort was weak. At least Rebecca had a friendly look in her eyes, so perhaps Deacon Herman had not turned against her. How that was possible, she didn’t know. The deacon had to enforce the church ordnung, and she had violated plenty of those rules since her last baptismal class. Daett must have gone to Deacon Herman’s place last night, if for no other reason than to clear his own name. What she had done could not be hidden even if Daett had wanted it to be.

  The line of unmarried girls moved toward the living room doorway, and Emma squeezed Susanna’s hand before they entered and the men could see them. Susanna squeezed back but kept her gaze fixed on the hardwood floor. Moments later she had to look up to maneuver around the benches, and the blaze of Ernest’s anger from across the room pierced her. Susanna winced and hurried on. Emma had turned bright red, so she must have noticed Ernest’s look as well. Apparently Emma also considered herself the object of Ernest’s outrage.

  Susanna didn’t look up when the first song number wa
s given out. She would have to stand soon, and she needed all the strength she could muster. The song began, and on the second line, Bishop Enos rose to his feet. He slowly led the line of ministers upstairs. Out of the corner of her eye, Susanna saw the men from the baptismal class get to their feet one by one. She waited until Emma moved and then followed her. With downcast eyes, they both made their way across the room. Susanna caught another glimpse of Ernest. His eyes were still blazing, but a touch of sadness was now written on his face. Ernest must know he was losing her. The man thought he was in love with her, but when Susanna compared Joey’s tender looks from yesterday with Ernest’s this morning, Ernest stood no chance—even if Joey was only her friend. But what unholy thoughts to have on her way to the baptismal class! This must stop! Maybe she should confess everything to Bishop Enos once they reached the room upstairs. The problem was that she wasn’t sorry. Not sorry at all.

  A sigh escaped Susanna’s lips. Emma didn’t seem to notice as she led the way into the bedroom. The men were already seated across from the ministers on one side of the room, leaving two chairs open for them. Emma tucked her dress in and sat down. Susanna did the same, her gaze glued on the floor. That was the proper reaction for an Amish girl. Now if she could only repent.