Impulse

by Vanessa Garden

  ‘Let’s forget about what happened last night. Can we do that?’

  I shrugged. ‘It’s kind of hard to forget some of the things you said. It’s like…’ I paused and turned around, my arms folded across my chest. ‘It’s as if you don’t appreciate how much I’ve given up…to be here with you.’ I faced the books again and cringed at my emotional reveal.

  ‘I do appreciate you, Miranda,’ he said and then mumbled what I thought was, ‘more than you realise.’

  My heart started pounding a furious beat. This was the moment I should spin around and demand he elaborate just how much, but all I could do was stare at the bookcase.

  He started for the door between our rooms but stopped just before it.

  ‘Wait. I need to ask you something,’ he said.

  I raised my head.

  He scratched the back of his head and half smiled.

  ‘It’s Sylvia’s birthday on Saturday and I was wondering if, perhaps, you’d like to attend as my partner?’

  I shrugged, acting all nonchalant and said, ‘Okay,’ but deep inside I was doing crazy dance moves. So much for the riotous friend Sylvia had mentioned—the one who was most likely made up.

  Marko’s face lit up. ‘Excellent. I know Sylvia is a little difficult sometimes; but, if you give her a chance, I’m sure you’ll become firm friends.’

  ‘Maybe,’ I said, shrugging again.

  Marko started for the door again but spun back around.

  ‘I asked her about the book—about Grandfather’s book.’

  Okay. So my pleas hadn’t fallen on deaf ears after all.

  ‘What did she say?’

  Marko shook his head and grinned, as though he was the bearer of good news.

  ‘That copy you saw in my grandfather’s office. It wasn’t the only one. Sylvia believes there are three copies.’

  ‘But why would she have such a sick, creepy book in her room? Don’t you find it strange?’

  Marko shook his head.

  ‘She was close to Grandfather. Perhaps she wanted something of his, as a keepsake’—he made a face—‘no matter how horrid it is.’

  ‘Fair enough,’ I said, frowning.

  But I was in no way convinced.

  CHAPTER NINE

  THE NEXT MORNING I got up early and decided to visit Robbie, to ask if he would be attending Sylvia’s party. While rifling through my wardrobe for something to wear, there was a light rapping at my door.

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘Morning,’ called a female in a singsong voice.

  In walked Jilly. She was carrying a breakfast tray in her hands, but her face carried a mysterious expression: part excitement, part fear and part something else I couldn’t quite distinguish.

  ‘So, have you been enjoying our beautiful city, Randy?’

  I clutched my clothes to my chest and closed the wardrobe door.

  Randy. Jilly had just used Lauren’s nickname for me.

  ‘Are you okay? Has my familiarity offended you?’ She frowned. ‘Sorry. I do it all the time—name shortening. Anne is always saying how surprised she is that I don’t call her the letter A.’

  I smiled and waved a hand in front of my face, like swatting a fly. ‘Randy is fine.’

  Jilly nodded and smiled, but her eyes darted to the doorway and back to me nervously.

  ‘Remember you asked after Anne?’ she said, leaning forward and whispering.

  ‘Wait. Has something happened?’ I asked, my heartbeat going from tick-tick to BOOM-BOOM in a millisecond.

  Jilly glanced over her shoulder at the door again and then it hit me.

  ‘Is she here?’ Without waiting for an answer, I rushed to the doorway and opened it to find a much skinnier and paler version of the Anne I once knew.

  ‘Miranda,’ she said, with a genuine but weary smile.

  Though it was warm in the castle Anne wore a thick, woollen, itchy-looking shirt and long pants of the same material. It made me want to scratch my skin just to see her in it. She no longer looked like a maid but a prison inmate. And her once fresh and youthful face had a haggard, middle-aged woman’s look to it, as if she’d spent a decade baking in the sun or looking after a dozen or so children.

  ‘Anne. It’s great to see a familiar face again.’ I wanted to throw my arms around her and crush her to me in a warm hug but she looked so fragile, like I would grind her bones to dust if I did; so I restrained myself and beamed what I hoped to be my warmest smile to compensate. She smiled back, but on a scale of one to ten for happiness, it didn’t even score a one.

  ‘Come in and have breakfast with me.’

  Anne shook her head. A soft-pink glow started to spread across her gaunt cheeks. ‘I’m on a special diet at the moment.’ Strangely enough, a small smile twitched at her lips, as though the special diet was something she was truly happy about. But she was so thin that I could see the blue veins through her snow-white skin, and the shape of her bones.

  ‘What sort of diet? Maybe we should do it together?’ I said, hoping to get more info out of her. In truth, my ridiculous stomach was already dying to tuck into the breakfast Jilly had just brought in.

  Anne avoided my eyes. ‘Just something I’m trying. It’s a special diet just for me and nobody else.’ She blushed deeper. Anne blushing could only mean one thing.

  And then it hit me. Dieting and blushing. She was trying to impress a guy.

  But what sort of a guy would let a girl wither before his eyes? What kind of a ‘special’ diet was this? And then I remembered how Anne used to blush like this in front of Marko all the time.

  ‘I’ve got to get back to work.’ An expression of relief smoothed Anne’s face as she backed away from me and towards the door. ‘Take care, Miranda.’

  ‘I will.’ Then I held her gaze to show her how much I meant my next words. ‘You too, Anne; please look after yourself.’

  Before she got too far across the room, I stepped forward and caught her thin wrist between my fingers. It felt cold and limp. ‘If anything’s bothering you, you know you can come here anytime to talk.’ I smiled. ‘I’d love the company.’

  A frightened-rabbit look crossed Anne’s face before she turned and walked briskly down the hallway. I stood and watched her until she was out of sight.

  ‘What do you think’s wrong with Anne?’ I asked Jilly as I sat down to eat my breakfast of fresh bread and a bright, blood-red jam.

  Jilly shrugged. ‘Six months ago she started to crawl inside herself and become shyer than she used to be. It’s to do with the—’ Jilly cleared her throat, ‘man she’s been meeting.’

  A blob of jam fell from my spoon onto my lap.

  ‘Which man?’ I asked, as I scraped the jam off my lap and onto a slice of bread.

  ‘It’s not for me to say.’ Jilly stared at me long and hard before a tremor of a smile formed on her lips. ‘I want to keep my job, Miranda, and my life.’

  I nodded, wondering if Sylvia had threatened her.

  The bread in my hand, and the blood-red jam spread across it, was suddenly unappetising. I set it down on my plate and ran through the conversations I’d just had with Anne and Jilly.

  My stomach turned. I wasn’t sure yet what I suspected was going on with Anne; but I knew it was wrong, whatever it was.

  I dressed hurriedly in jeans and a fitted T-shirt, and set off to see Robbie, a guard tailing me as discreetly as she could manage.

  The air outside the castle was as fresh and as crisp as if it were truly an autumn morning on land. Only the lighting was strange, coming up centrally, above the city, like a midday sun instead of the gradual rising sun of the land above us.

  I decided to bring lunch to Robbie, and the guard led me through the main street, where we crossed over several small bridges above the water channels, until we came upon a large, open quadrangle filled with the sort of market I had pictured when imagining medieval times. There were hagglers and rosy-cheeked, robust women beckoning me towards their stalls; a busker played a cheery
tune on his flute that somehow summed up the fresh energy of the morning. Though it didn’t make me feel any better about the Anne situation, it distracted me for a few minutes.

  I worked my way through the stalls until I had a basket filled to the brim with what would be my and Robbie’s lunch. The guard narrowed her eyes at my basket, but said not a word until we reached the greenhouses, where she said, ‘I’ll be out here—right here.’ It sounded almost like a threat. I’d have to watch myself. Not just for my sake, but for Robbie’s as well. The last thing I wanted was to endanger him. We’d have to keep our discussion regarding Sylvia close to our chests. Perhaps today, because this guard was behaving like a hawk, I wouldn’t even bring Sylvia up. Weirdly enough, I realised, this guard wasn’t even Sylvia’s but Marko’s. I was starting to wonder if any of the guards could be trusted.

  In the greenhouse, the soft hushing of the sprinklers was like a whisper of assurance to my ears. This was Robbie’s place, and I felt instantly safe.

  Robbie turned around as soon as I entered. He was wearing a red-and-white chequered flannel shirt with the sleeves torn off.

  ‘Miranda?’

  ‘Yes. How did you know right away?’

  ‘You’re wearing the same shoes,’ he said, smiling, but looking at my forehead instead of my eyes, in a way that caused my throat to constrict.

  ‘Oh, you’re right, I am.’

  He sighed. ‘Don’t be scared to say the wrong thing, Miranda. I can almost smell your fear. I’m still the same Robbie, remember?’

  I cleared my throat. ‘I don’t want to hurt you, that’s all.’

  He half smiled, sadly. ‘You and everybody else in this city.’ He put a hand beneath one of the sprays and let the water trickle from his fingertips to the ground.

  It was sad to imagine Robbie alone in the greenhouses, with only butterflies for company. One landed on his bare shoulder, glistening with moisture. He lifted it onto his finger and held it out to me. Using my index finger, I transferred the butterfly onto the palm of my other hand and giggled as it tickled my skin.

  ‘It’s got green and blue on it, and a yellow eye-shaped circle on each wing, right?’

  ‘Yes, it has,’ I said, smiling.

  He let out a small laugh. ‘This is George. He’s the one I’ve tamed to sit on my shoulder while I work. He’s pretty amazing, considering he should have died a month ago, according to the usual life-span of his kind.’

  ‘He’s beautiful.’ I held George up to my face and he tickled my cheek with his wings. ‘Hello,’ I said, feeling a little bit stupid.

  Robbie smiled.

  ‘Here.’ I transferred George back to Robbie’s smooth shoulder. ‘I’ve brought some fruit and some bread and cheese for our lunch,’ I said, nudging at the basket with my knee.

  ‘Fruit? Expensive. How did you get the money?’ He stopped and shook his head, his cheeks tinting pink before he fiddled with a piece of black plastic irrigation tube. ‘Of course—why wouldn’t Marko pay for your things?’

  ‘It’s not like that. Marko’s just helping me out until I find my feet.’

  ‘Are you planning on getting your own place?’ Robbie asked. He kept his head down, as if concentrating on his work, but I could tell by the tautness of his forearm muscles that he anticipated the answer.

  ‘Can people do that here?’

  Robbie smiled. ‘Sure. I’m renting my own place, not far from here. It’s a small cottage, but it’s enough.’ He turned his face to look at me, and this time his eyes met mine. ‘I’ve got an extra room; you could share the house with me—as a tenant, I mean.’

  The idea held so much appeal, but I wasn’t sure I could leave Marko’s side just yet. If I moved out of the castle and then something happened to him, I’d hate myself.

  Robbie’s smile faltered and his eyes seemed to lose their sparkle. ‘I suppose a cottage is nothing against a castle.’

  ‘It’s not that. I’m just still worried about Marko.’

  ‘Yes, well, now I’m worried about Marko and you. The castle walls aren’t as safe as they used to be.’

  ‘That’s because you’re not there, Robbie.’

  He flinched. ‘I know,’ he said, handing me some hose. He showed me how to measure and prick it at appropriate intervals to form an irrigation line. Having my hands busy relaxed me somewhat. Robbie must have given me the job for that reason.

  ‘Can I ask you something, Robbie?’

  ‘Anything.’

  I moved in close so that I could whisper to him about Sylvia and Frano Tollin’s book.

  His face lit up with interest and he bent his head to mine.

  ‘I remember you saying this before you left Marin. I followed it up with Sylvia after you left, without Marko knowing.’ He shook his head and sighed. ‘She loved her grandfather, Miranda, that’s all. The book’s a keepsake. Sylvia’s smart, but she’s no scientist. And I’ve known her for years and have never once heard her speak about mermaids. In fact, she seemed embarrassed and disgusted whenever anybody brought up her grandfather’s and brother’s fascination with them.’

  ‘Well, I wondered that, too, but when I later saw it at Damir’s place—the same book—I realised that she must be on Damir’s side. And most likely has been all along. But when I questioned Marko about it he said Sylvia told him there were three copies. Why would Frano make three copies? I think she’s lying. I think she used the book to trade for something…I just don’t know what.’

  Robbie nodded his head. ‘You may be right. I still don’t get it, though. What could she possibly get out of siding up with Damir? She’s hated him for too many years and loved Marko for just as many.’

  ‘Maybe Marko will listen if we both speak to him about our suspicions.’

  Robbie ran his fingers through his hair. ‘Are you insane? You can’t talk to Marko about his sister. I tried, once, last year, after I’d heard a rumour that Sylvia had visited the Underworld. He didn’t talk to me for a week.’

  I sighed.

  We retreated into silence for a while, listening to the lulling whispers of the water sprays, until Robbie groaned.

  ‘Is it too early to eat?’ he asked, rubbing a palm across his flat stomach. ‘I’m starving. In fact, I’m always starving.’ He grinned and shook his head. ‘And if I remember correctly, so are you.’

  The light crystals at the very top of the dome, the ones that mimicked daylight, had grown dim by the time I rushed back up the castle steps. The city, however, glittered beneath the oncoming darkness like tiny jewels against black velvet.

  I’d stayed on at the greenhouses after lunch, to help Robbie finish his work, and now my grumpy guard kept muttering to herself, whinging about how late it was and how Marko had made her promise never to keep me out this late in the day.

  ‘Marko doesn’t own me and neither do you. I’m a free citizen, okay, so I’ll return to the castle when I like.’

  She snorted and said nothing in return, but seemed to stomp her feet up the steps with more force.

  As I rushed through the grand double doors and down the main corridor, I ran into Robbie’s close friend, Lily. Her long white-blonde hair was startling against the skintight, black guard-suit that hugged every toned inch of her perfect body.

  ‘You’re back. Robbie told me, yesterday.’ Though she smiled, her eyes weren’t in it.

  ‘I arrived a few days ago.’

  ‘It’s been a week and a couple of days since you arrived, actually.’

  ‘Oh.’ I realised I must have been out for longer than I thought. I watched my guard sigh with relief and stomp away after Lily gave her a nod.

  ‘I hate the side effects of those tablets.’ Lily shuddered and then gave me a real smile this time. I couldn’t believe she was actually smiling at me. Maybe she didn’t see me as a threat anymore, seeing as I wasn’t living under the same roof as Robbie this time. I wondered if she still had feelings for him. I’d always suspected it.

  I returned her smile and suddenly hop
ed I’d get to know her a little more. It would be nice to have a female friend here. Since Zoe had dumped me for a new group of friends back home, because she thought I was a nutter, I hadn’t really had a friend at all.

  ‘Has Marko been looking for me?’ I asked.

  She shook her head. ‘No. He’s been held up in meetings for most of the day.’

  ‘Oh.’

  A flicker of pity softened Lily’s eyes. ‘He’s this busy all the time, Miranda; not just since you’ve arrived. Things haven’t been easy around here since Damir was locked up. Not everyone is as happy about it as you would imagine.’ She glanced down the lengths of the empty corridor and shifted closer. ‘It’s getting harder for Marko to know who to trust, so he has to be extra cautious in every decision he makes.’

  Footsteps approached and Lily stepped back and smiled as a male guard I didn’t recognise nodded and passed, disappearing down the corridor.

  ‘But don’t worry, Miranda. I’ve noticed how happy Marko’s been since you’ve returned. We all have.’ And with that she winked, turned and walked away. As I watched her leave, I couldn’t help the butterflies that tickled my insides.

  It was crazy. Earlier in the day I’d felt so unsure about Marko’s feelings for me, and a little unsure about how I had felt. Now, things had changed again. It was as if my emotions were flower petals: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me…

  I wanted to rush down the hall, eager to return to my room and, hopefully, to run into Marko, but I stopped myself. There were voices inside my old bedroom, hushed voices—a guy and a girl—and my stomach churned when I recognised the male voice as Marko’s.

  My stomach continued to swirl sickly as I tiptoed to the door and placed my ear to the keyhole.

  The girl laughed and my heart slammed to a halt.

  There was no mistaking it. I’d recognise her laugh anywhere.

  But she couldn’t be here.

  She just couldn’t.

  CHAPTER TEN

  I PUSHED AGAINST the metal door, my mind floating somewhere near the ceiling, suspended in shock, and stepped into the room.