Diary of an Evil Queen

by Stacia Deutsch

  How would YOU want to look if you could be a new student at Ever After High? Design your own spelltacular look!

  HAIR: short, longer, longest

  TOP: sweater, tank top, flowing tunic

  BOTTOM: skirt, leggings, jeans

  SHOES: flats, platform wedges, spiked heels

  COLORS: black and purple, purple and black

  JEWELRY: gold, silver, snake-motif bracelet and necklace

  HATS: tall, wide, pointy

  ACCESSORIES: purse, mirror, wand

  And I have just the spell to make it happen:

  From old to young.

  A journey back.

  To fit in would be prudent.

  Erase what time’s cruel hands have done.

  Make me a high school student!

  Step Two: Dressing the Part

  Posing as a high school student presents some problems. I’ve been an Evil Queen for so long, not to mention trapped in that mirror prison, that I’m a bit behind the times when it comes to high school fashions. I need to make some decisions. I must ponder my fashion dilemma. I’m sure I will come up with a perfectly wicked new look.…

  Step Three: Speaking the Lingo

  I must admit that the students don’t talk like they used to back in my day. In order to blend in, I need to sound like them.… I mean, if I had my usual sophistication, everyone would know it was me and I wouldn’t get the chance to become BFFAs with Raven. We can’t have that happen. The fate of evil depends on this wicked plan.…

  Help the Evil Queen learn how to talk like a student at Ever After High by using the following words or phrases in a sentence:

  What in Ever After?

  Have you flipped your crown?

  Spellebrity

  Wait a spell

  Swoon-worthy

  Step Four: Choosing a Not-Evil Name

  My name strikes terror in the heart of anyone who hears it: the Evil Queen.

  I know, it’s the best name in all of Ever After. However, for my infiltration at Ever After High to succeed, I cannot go by my real name.

  My new name should be meaningful. Something that hints at who I really am, but hides my identity.

  I was going to ask for help with this, but I must admit, I would have rejected all suggestions. Naming is very personal. I mean, there is only one Evil Queen! Therefore, I will hoose my own not-evil name based on where I es aped from… mirror prison!

  I am ready.

  From today forward, I am:

  3

  Tips and Tricks to Being Evil at School

  Raven, students today have it all wrong. Putting a tack on a teacher’s chair, sticking a KICK ME sign to a student’s back, stealing lunch money, and picking on other kids—those things are mean. Mean is never acceptable. Mean is not the same as evil.

  Evil is much more clever. It’s more purposeful. It’s smarter than just being cruel. Evil must serve a great, personal good. Think big. Ask yourself the following questions:

  What do I really want?

  So what if the purpose benefits me and only me?

  Don’t I deserve the best?

  Of course you deserve the best! That’s why you need evil, to make sure you get what you deserve. I speak from the very center of my charred black heart when I say that evil is a beautiful thing when correctly hexecuted.

  Since Raven is reluctant to embrace her destiny, she is going to need some help. We must show her how it’s done. Rank the following, from Not Nasty to Royally Rotten:

  Kiss Hopper Croakington II and then turn him into a frog—permanently

  Replace all of Melody’s DJ music with classical music

  Poison an apple and convince Apple to eat it

  Turn Professor Rumplestiltskin into a frog and imprison him in an aquarium with all the other Ever After High teachers

  Make Dexter Charming’s MirrorPhone ring in class—repeatedly

  Tie Humphrey Dumpty’s shoelaces together

  Toss Cedar Wood into a castle moat and see her float

  Turn all of Ashlynn Ella’s clothes to rags

  Hide the White Queen’s crown

  Add kale to all the recipes in the Castleteria

  Give Madam Baba Yaga a makeover

  Change the school signs to read NEVER AFTER HIGH

  Enchant everyone to fall asleep so that Briar is the only one awake

  Trap Daring Charming in mirror prison

  Ah, the evil flows through the pages of this diary! We can cross off the Not Nasty items and focus now on what is Truly Terrible. Just thinking about the Royally Rotten things Raven and I can do together as mother and daughter makes me tingle with wicked adrenaline! Evil is better than exercise, you know: It keeps the body and mind fit, alert, and prepared—plus no one sweats. No need to change clothing, or go to a smelly germ-infested gymnasium, or even shower after an evil act is executed.

  Now, Raven, it’s up to you. Try one little evil thing… just one. It doesn’t even have to be Royally Rotten. How about something from the middle, like a Barely Bad prank. One quick spell will do it. Need ideas?

  Cancel classes for a week with a forged note from Headmaster Grimm in his handwriting on his stationery. Remove the words from all the textbooks so they only have blank pages and all thronework must be canceled. Let Nevermore roam the halls in her largest form. Can you imagine the damage that tail could do? She’d never even have to breathe a spark!

  Think of naughty things that will make you laugh, make others chuckle, and won’t hurt a soul. This is warm-up evil.

  Come now, Raven, I know you’ll enjoy yourself! And you’ll find, as I did, that one half-horrible prank leads to another, bigger, and more terrible task, which leads to a long list of Royally Rotten deeds—and from there, it’s a tiny step to fully embracing EVIL!

  Why is this so difficult? Even as Mira, your new friend, you reject my suggestions. I see more and more clearly each day that this diary is the key to my success. All I have to do to start the wicked wagon rolling is get you TO READ IT!!!!

  So far, I tried to put the diary on your desk in Home Evilnomics. You moved it aside and did your thronework! While you aren’t supposed to do thronework in class, I wouldn’t exactly call it an act of evil! So disappointing, Raven.

  Then I put the diary on your tray in the Castleteria. You used it as a coaster for your drink.

  In General Villainy, you slipped the diary under the short leg of the table to hold it steady. I was the one who made the tables unsteady! Isn’t that more fun?

  Under the cover of darkness, I sneaked into your room and put the diary under your pillow. Of course, I assumed you’d find it and be curious. But no. You didn’t notice and reported having the best night’s sleep ever!

  We’ve come to my boldest move. I will now put the book in your locker. I’ve enchanted a READ ME sign to blink at you, annoyingly so, in bright red light-up letters, until you read the entire thing. The only way to turn off the lights is to turn the pages and reach the end. If I have to give you a raging headache in order to get you to read my diary and embrace your destiny, it will be worth it.

  I’m sorry, my dear, but we all must make sacrifices in the name of evil.

  How strange! I found this diary in my locker with a big glowing note on it that said “Read Me.” The note was so pretty, with sparkling lights that kept blinking. I thought maybe it was a gift from Maddie.

  Then I flipped ahead and saw:

  Tips and Tricks to Being Evil at School???!!!!

  Have you flipped your crown, Mom? You could be more creative than that. And leaving it in my locker—so obvious.

  So seriously, no thanks. I won’t even read another word. No tips or tricks for me. I am making my own destiny.

  It’s time to give up your dream. You are wrong about EVERYTHING. I will not dedicate another moment to reading any of this. Not one word! You’re wasting your time, Mom. I have no idea how you managed to write this book and pass it to me from mirror prison, but I don’t even care.


  Sincerely,

  Raven

  P.S. Actually, hang on, how did you get this diary to me in my locker?! What’s going on here?! I smell something royally rotten.…

  This is so frustrating!

  Raven stuffed my diary in the trash can by her locker. In the trash can?! The attached note was still blinking because she DIDN’T READ IT! If I’d treated my mother the way she treats me, there’d be one less Evil Queen in the world. The former Evil Queen would never have stood for this kind of behavior. My patience with you, Raven, is running out, and when it does… BEWARE!

  I’ve taken the diary back, torn off the blasted flickering note, wiped off the moldy banana someone dropped on top of it, and put it in my—Mira’s—backpack. I will have to keep a close eye on this book from now on until I’m ready to try to deliver it again. There must be a way.…

  Until then, I need a new approach.

  I believe that if I can get your friends involved in some evil activities, you will follow. So let’s try bringing you to me that way. I will succeed, Raven, have no doubt. By the time I’ve filled the pages of this diary, you will be evil. We will sit side by side in matching thrones. All will be as it is meant to be.

  It is time to begin a fresh approach to your inevitable conversion.

  EVERYONE IS INVITED TO JOIN

  Mira Shards’s Spelltacular Party!

  To: Raven’s closest friends… and no one else!

  From: Mira Shards

  YOU ARE INVITED TO A SPELLEBRATION.

  Learn some new curses enchantments that you’d never learn at school. What fun we will have!

  Meet me in the old dragon fields. I’ll be waiting.

  P.S. Make sure Raven comes along.

  4

  Casting Evil Spells

  Today begins a new chapter in the evilification of you, my child, Raven Queen. I have gathered your friends together for a session on “evil spells they won’t teach you at school.” Isn’t that wonderful? Maybe I should reconsider my disguise.… Mira is fun, but I would have been a hexcellent teacher here at Ever After High.

  I’ve let everyone know that there are some spells I learned while I was “homeschooled,” which isn’t a total falsehood. I mean, my own mother did pass down some spells to me, as I will to you. Mr. Badwolf only instructs in the basics. It’s time to take things a spell further, and add some true evil to your casting.

  This is tricky because I’m not ready to reveal myself yet, so as Mira, I’ve invited Madeline, Sparrow, Blondie, Poppy and Holly, Faybelle, and, of course you, Raven, to meet up after school in the overgrown and unattended Dragon Games arena. It’s such a shame that no one uses that old field anymore.

  I wanted Apple to come, too, seeing as she’s the one who set me free, but she said she had to meet her mother about a special mirror called the Booking Glass. Ah, that insufferable Snow White… She thinks that she will use that old mirror trick to put me back in prison, but I have news for her—I will NOT go back there. I’m having so much fun here, plus my work is not yet done. I have you to convince and the realm to conquer.

  I let Apple go see her mommy because there’s no time for distractions. Besides, what can it hurt? No mirror, not even the Booking Glass, will change the future that I have set in motion.

  Ah, there, my group has gathered in the dust and weeds. Time to share my immeasurable genius.

  Let us start with an easy spell. We can keep this one simple, just to practice. Think of it as Evil 101.

  The day’s begun with blinding sun,

  Too much warmth from a bright blue sky.

  Let the clouds roll in

  And the rain pour down

  With thunder, lightning, and mighty wind.

  The spell was a success. Black clouds gathered in the sky. Bolts of lightning crashed around the school and village below. Booms of thunder shook the towers of Ever After High. And the rain… I must say it was one of my best rain spells yet. It came down in thick sheets with hurricane force.

  Everyone was drenched, which added to the wonderfulness of it all. No one had an umbrella. And the trees were blowing so hard in the wind, they provided no cover.

  A stormy day is far more evil than a bright and cheery one.

  I’d have let the storm rage for a while but, Raven, you demanded I stop. Then you demanded I dry everyone’s clothing. And to add insult, you wanted a rainbow.

  What is wrong with you, child?! A RAINBOW?!!!

  Where did I go wrong? You didn’t even enjoy the storm for a second!

  Under normal circumstances, I’d have refused to meet your demands. I mean, I am the EVIL QUEEN. Rainbows are NOT my thing. But… alas… I am still disguised as Mira, and if you don’t like Mira and don’t want to be friends with her, all my work here will be for nothing.

  So for you, Raven, I have dried the skies. Sent the clouds away. And I made a ridiculous rainbow. It was small, and blurry, and lasted only a blink, but I made it!

  I now think we need to start from the beginning. Forget for a moment everything they have taught you in this blasted castle you call a school. Apparently none of the classes on practical evil have sunk in, so we have to go backward to go forward.

  Beginning evil spells are taught to children. I was so busy being queen, I must have neglected to teach those to you, Raven. I mean, I thought I did, but looking back, I am not so sure. Perhaps I spent too much time in the dungeon and you spent too much time with the nannies. I believe now this is maybe where the communication breakdown between us began. I have no regrets, and yet, we need to get back to basics. Take baby steps. We must return to the beginning.

  We will review some evil spells from my early days at Ever After High. Oh, what fun it was to be young and cast spells on my unsuspecting classmates while they walked from class to class or ate lunch in the Castleteria. I do now wonder if these spells might be why so many students kept their distance from me.… Not everyone sees the fun in evil.

  When a teacher asks a question, use this spell to make the student speak gibberish:

  No longer speak

  In phrases that form a sentence.

  This spell will twist the tongue

  And turn the words to nonsense.

  To make someone stub their toe in the hallway:

  Walking straight is child’s play.

  Trip and fall

  And stub your toes.

  Send the student to the nurse

  To mend those

  Broken bones.

  To tell the truth:

  Speak truth all day.

  Share no more lies.

  Reveal secrets you’ve been told.

  And let no one wear a disguise.

  (Raven, make note: I had to do a quick counterspell on that one. I wouldn’t want someone to cast it at me by accident. Part of being evil is being able to think on your feet!)

  When I was a child, before I came to Ever After High, there would be parties in the castle. This next one was my favorite party spell. Oh, this brings back memories! Princesses and princes would get all dressed up for balls and teas, and I would hide in a corner reciting this spell:

  To make hair fly up as if the person was struck by lightning:

  Your hair was coiffed by the royal staff.

  A crown was placed atop.

  Now let the hair fly free

  And drop the crown.

  It’s funnier this way, you’ll see.

  Everyone would scream with terror as their perfect hair went crazy, standing up toward the cobweb-riddled chandelier.

  Ah, how I love the spells of my youth!

  Of course, we stopped having parties after that first few. I just don’t understand why the children didn’t like my makeunders! It was so fun!!!! At least fun for me, and since it was my party, wasn’t that all that mattered?

  Let us practice.…

  Wait. No! Stop practicing!

  Really, Raven, what is wrong with these students at Ever After High?! I’ve shared my wisdom with this profound
list of evil spells. But nothing is as it should be. When her tongue was muddled, Maddie didn’t sound any different than before—she spewed the same nonsense and didn’t do anything evil. Blondie used the truth spell for investigative reporting and is now up for a journalism award. Poppy cast the hair spell and got such great results that she wants to try it out on her clients at the salon. Don’t these silly students know evil genius when they see it?

  Only Faybelle really paid attention. Her toe-stubbing spell sent Sparrow to the nurse’s office. Very wicked, Faybelle. Very, very wicked.

  But, Raven, my dearest Raven, you refused to play along. Even thinking I was Mira, your newest friend ever after, you still refused to join the fun.

  Oh, Raven, Raven, Raven… Why won’t you embrace your destiny? You’re such a disappointment. What did I do wrong?!

  I need a confidence boost.

  I’m going to the stables.

  The dragons are always responsive to my evil ploys.

  5

  Care and Feeding for Your Dragon

  Ever after ago, when I was a student here at Ever After High, I felt most at home in the stables with the dragons.

  Today, I arrived at just the right time. Daring Charming was in the stall with Legend, the school’s mascot dragon. He didn’t realize that Legend wasn’t feeling well because she wasn’t a he. And because she was laying eggs. Daring was so worried. I could have told him what was the matter, but where’s the joy in that?

  Legend laid lots and lots of eggs. That meant there would soon be lots and lots of baby dragons. Since I was there—or Mira was—there was no way I could let this opportunity for some evil entertainment pass by. A little magic made those dragon eggs hatch immediately. Make note of this, Raven: Dragons offer practically endless opportunities for wicked deeds.