Break Me

by Amanda Heath

  I close my eyes and exhale. I bet you fifty bucks Royal heard the whole thing. “God, look at us! We’ve turned into Blair and Serena.”

  I laugh and sniff my nose. “I’m Serena,” I chuckle out, right when Annabella says, “I’m Blair.”

  We slowly get up off the pavement and my eyes automatically look for Royal. I see Channing’s Range Rover a few cars down, but I only see Channing standing by the back. It’s weird seeing Channing with his Range Rover considering he owns a Jag. But don’t ask me what goes on in that boys head.

  I look all over the place for Royal but he’s nowhere in sight. I look back at Channing and he barely shakes his head. Which means Royal isn’t with him. I sigh on the inside with relief.

  It just seems so wrong to talk about Trey with Royal. Whether I want to admit it or not, there is a reason I ran to Royal in the first place. I chose him to lean on when I didn’t think I had anyone else. There is something about him I want to cling to. He makes me stronger, better, more mentally sound. I don’t feel so lost and sad when I’m with him.

  And that utterly scares the crap out of me.

  “Can we go somewhere else for breakfast?” I ask Pierce timidly as he glares at Channing.

  “I’m really starting to hate that guy,” Annabella glowers. “He should really learn to respect our space.”

  I want to laugh, but since I just got out of the mental hospital, I don’t want to be sent back. Annabella grabs my hand and holds it the whole way home. We sit in the back and we lean our heads together. And I know now what we both did wrong.

  Some people can’t take pain like others. While I was living in my pain, Annabella couldn’t live in it with me. And that’s what I wanted her to do, and looking back I see that was wrong of me. But she also shouldn’t have let me live in it. And we both should have paid better attention.

  When we pull up to Ashley and Victor’s house, I smile. A sense of peace and longing comes over me. Modest Mouse’s “Float On” plays through my head because we all float on okay. That’s life for you.

  Annabella gets out first and when she looks back at us, she just smiles and runs into the house. I try to follow but Pierce stops me. I look up at him and see his green eyes are very intense. I should have known he wouldn’t let me go without him saying his piece.

  “I’m not going to sit here and pretend that I’m not in love with Annabella, because I am.” My eyes pop but I keep my mouth shut, only because I know he’s not done. Once Pierce gets started, he doesn’t stop until he’s done. That’s what I love the most about him. He doesn’t say much on a normal day, but when he has something to say, he doesn’t shut up. “You know I am, too. That’s where some of your anger was coming from. You’re worried about Donovan…and me. You know what a girl like Annabella could do to us. That’s why mom was so pissed when Van and Ella got together. She knew how I felt. They didn’t and still don’t.” He rubs a hand down his face before going on. “I know you’re my cousin, legally, but in my heart you’re just as much my sister as Ashley is. Seeing you like that, when you fainted, it almost killed me, Wesley. And not because you were hurt, it was because I didn’t notice. I was so wrapped up in Annabella. My love for her got in the way of you and me. And I kind of hate myself for it. I was just so happy that she was paying attention to me. I should have known it was because she couldn’t deal with your pain, and Van is gone. She didn’t have anyone else to go to.” Then he chuckles, while I have more tears running down my face. But he doesn’t see those, because he’s looking at the ground. “We should really find more friends.”

  I laugh with him this time. “My shrink said the same thing. The three of us were too close and when that fell apart, I didn’t have anyone to turn to.” I shrug when he winces. “It was what it was, Pierce. I promise you right here and now that I won’t go off the deep end again. I’ll talk to you both whether I want to or not.”

  He gives me his trademark Pierce smile and pulls me into his arms. “Okay, Wes.” I pull away but he doesn’t let me get far. He smoothes the hair out of my face and states, “I love you. I can’t say it to her, but my love for you is way different. I just want you to know that. No matter what happens, I’m here for you. Never again will I put her before you.”

  I give him a small smile, touched by his words. “I love you, too. But if she needs you more than I do, you can put her before me. You don’t have to feel bad about that.”

  He nods before throwing his arm over my shoulders and leading me into the house. “You’re pretty cool, Bridges.”

  I snort, “Thanks, Courtney.”

  Chapter Eleven

  A warm nose nuzzles my neck and I shiver. “Trey,” I whisper right before his lips make it to mine. He kisses me slowly, just the way I like. His tongue sneaks into my mouth to gently play with mine. He groans and I reach up with my arms to run my hands through his hair.

  I open my eyes to see a dark head of hair above me. That isn’t right, Trey is blonde. That’s when the kiss becomes altogether different. It becomes hard, demanding, and…hot as hell. His eyes are closed so I can’t see what color they are, but after the way he’s kissing me I don’t really care who he is.

  His hand snakes under my shirt, trailing a path of fire to my breast. My nipples pebble before he even reaches my bra. He smoothly pushes his hand under the lace and pinches my nipple between his fingers. I moan around his tongue in my mouth and find myself digging my nails into his shoulders.

  I open my legs wider and he settles his hips against mine. His erection is rock hard and now gently rocking into me. The pressure is just right as I start to move my hips with his. This feels amazing.

  He lifts his head from my lips and looks down at me. I gasp when I realize who I’m making out with, but somehow it doesn’t surprise me. “Does that feel good, Duchess?” he whispers, thrusting his hips a little harder indicating what he’s referring to.

  I only nod before he lowers his head. His hand comes out of my bra only to push up my t-shirt and my bra. His mouth captures my nipple in its warm heat and I groan loudly. Then he switches to the other one and I’m thrashing around in pure pleasure. “Royal!” I gasp, unable to believe what he’s doing to my body.

  Royal lets out his chuckle, the one that I love. The one that comes from deep inside him and makes me feel alive. While he’s still teasing my breasts, his hand snakes down to my jeans and unbuttons them, slipping inside my panties. I start panting from pleasure overload. “Are you wet, Wes? I bet you’re so fucking wet,” he says, his voice thick with sex and heat.

  His fingers make it to my sex and I arch my hips up trying to get him where I want him. His fingers finally sink into me. “I was right. Fucking drenched,” he whispers, bending over to reward me with a kiss. His tongue licks at my lips before plunging inside, matching the rhythm of his fingers.

  He rises back up to stare down at me. I flush while he watches, but I know what he’s waiting for. I can feel it building inside my lower body. Then it starts coming faster and harder than I’ve ever come before.

  Then I’m sitting up in my bed wide eyed. “What. The. Fucking. Hell!” I mutter out into the early morning light.

  My cheeks are still flushed, but for a different reason. Why am I having dirty dreams about Royal? That doesn’t make sense in my brain. While Royal is totally hot, I haven’t ever been attracted to him before.

  Now though, it’s a different story. I see him in my head, all six feet and then some of him. Without a shirt and in a little Speedo, walking out of the locker room last year as he made his way to swim practice. I remember drooling then, but now I think about climbing up his body and giving it to him.

  I shake my head, trying to clear it, but I can’t. So I think of Trey. That’s whom I originally thought the dream was about. But I should have known better. With Trey, he was gentle, sweet. He always made sure our lovemaking was slow. He definitely didn’t talk dirty to me. He also didn’t watch me like that when I got off. While it was strange, even for a dream, I k
ind of…liked it.

  Whoa.

  I climb out of my bed and walk into my adjoining bathroom. It’s been well over seven months since I had sex, let alone had an orgasm. And you can tell. I’m glowing this morning and there’s a secret smile on my lips. I try to rub it off, but it doesn’t go anywhere.

  So I do what I feel is best. I forget about the dream and get ready for school. Though by the time I’m out the door, in my car, and then at school, I wonder if it’s going to affect me all day.

  A month has passed since I got out of the crazy place. I’ve hung out with Royal, of course, but we never did anything like that. This dream was so vivid and real. I shudder thinking about Royal’s phantom hands touching me. If our tutoring sessions turned into that, I don’t know what I would do. But then again, do I even want them to turn into…that? I like Royal well enough. He’s funny, charming, and down to earth. He gets laid a lot and sometimes treats me like a guy. He keeps inviting me over for football games and he horses around with me, just like I’ve seen him do with Channing.

  I’ve gotten closer to Channing too. Though when he started showing up at Royal’s while I was tutoring him, I made it a point to explain I didn’t want to talk about Ashley with him. But I did want him to come to me if he had questions about her. I don’t want to push him. I would love for Ashley to be in all her brothers’ lives, but we have to give Channing time. I also told him not to reply because I might get emotional and I know how he is with tears.

  I only know that because he comforted me about Trey. He overheard us that day at IHOP and said he looked into it. I told him I didn’t like talking about Trey, especially with Royal. I don’t think he understood but since I had burst into tears, he let it go. And okay the tears might have been forced, but I really didn’t want to explain why I don’t talk about Trey with Royal. I don’t even really have an excuse for it.

  ***

  The stupid smile won’t go away. I’ve tried moving my lips around, even frowning, but it’s still there. Then I happen to look down at myself before I get out of my Kia. I wore my white button up shirt, except it’s not buttoned all the way up like I usually wear it. No, you can see plenty of cleavage and even a hint of my pink bra. My vest is a little too tight, pushing my breasts up even more. Huh, they kind of look huge. Maybe that’s not a bad thing.

  Oh my god, one dream and I’ve turned into a hussy!

  I catch my reflection in my rearview mirror and groan. My hair, which I usually wear up in a ponytail, is down around my shoulders and crazy. I have naturally curly hair, which is also thick and full of body. Right now it looks like I just had wild sex. I start looking around the Kia for a ponytail holder, but I have no luck.

  I sigh and slam my head back against my headrest. This day is going to be so much fudging fun. Then I look up and lock eyes with the object of my desire His mouth is hanging open and his eyes are rounded hugely. Well, at least I know Royal doesn’t look hot one hundred percent of the time.

  Okay, that was a total lie.

  Channing stops beside him, takes in his face and follows his eyes. Then he sees me and smirks. He slaps Royal on the back of the head before walking toward the school.

  I let out a huge breath and finally get out of my car. My skirt, at least, is the right length and I wore tights, so I don’t feel so exposed in that area. I walk over to Royal, the dumb smile still on my face. I seriously can’t get rid of it, no matter what mood I’m in.

  Royal seems to be doing better. He’s closed his mouth and his eyes don’t appear so large. “You look…” he mumbles, his eyes stationed at my breasts.

  I roll mine. “This is all your fault,” I tell him harshly before walking around his body, which at this point is only taking up space.

  He stops me by grabbing my wrist, gently. Tingles and sparks fly from where his skin touches mine. At first I think I’m the only one who feels it, but then the way he drops my arm like a ton of bricks, I know I’m not in this alone.

  Ugh.

  I don’t turn around to face him. “Seriously pretend none of this ever happened. I don’t want things to get weird, and they will get weird.” I sigh and feel a tear form at the corner of my eye. “It wouldn’t be worth it.”

  He clears his throat but I still don’t turn around. “It’ll be really hard to pretend that I never saw you like this. No pun intended.”

  I close my eyes tightly, trying not to picture a bulge in his pants. “Please. We are friends. I can’t lose you as a friend.”

  He doesn’t say anything for a while, so I start to walk away. “Wait!” he hollers, and this time I do turn around. His expressive brown eyes bore into mine. “I’ll do whatever you need me to do, Wes. I thought you were hurting because of Pierce and Annabella. That maybe you were a little too emotional, but I could work with that. I didn’t feel any different. And I still don’t.” He looks off in the distance and I think he’s done, so I open my mouth to reply but he speaks before I get the chance, “Channing told me about Trey. I didn’t realize he had passed away. I understand why you didn’t tell me.” Then he looks back at me, fear and hope mixed together in his eyes. “If you only want me as a friend, then that’s okay with me. I’ve always known how hot you are; I’ve just never thought you could be sexy too. I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable.”

  I want to scream at him. How can he be understanding at this moment? He’s supposed to be over here ravishing me! God, I have to get away from him or I’m going to end up at the crazy bin. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about Trey.” Wait, what? Why am I saying this to him? “I just didn’t want to mix that into your life. He’s gone, but you’re here and you’re so full of life. I think that’s why I kept turning to you. Everyone else around me, they let me become what I was when I broke down.” Thinking about it now, a tear runs down my cheek. “Just for that night you held me, I will always be your friend.” And I head away from him. Not ready for more. Though I know deep inside me, I’ll always want more.

  ***

  “You want to do a marathon of Gossip Girl this afternoon?” Annabella asks me as she sits down at our lunch table.

  I blink a few times, having been lost in my own thoughts. “Not really, I’ve seen the first season like eight times.” Which is true, considering it’s the only season we have.

  She grins. “No, Victor bought me the entire series on DVD! We can finally watch all of them, and in order!” she tells me excitedly.

  I laugh and shake my head. “Now I will definitely have a marathon with you.”

  Pierce sits down next to me and looks like he’s about to throw up. “I’m not sitting through another episode of GG. Chuck Bass gives me nightmares.” Then he shudders.

  I roll my eyes. Annabella chuckles before biting off a chunk of her beef jerky. “You know they weren’t going to cast Ed Westwick as Chuck Bass because they thought he looked too much like a serial killer?”

  Pierce just glares at her. “Why do you think I give a shit?” he growls stuffing a roll into his mouth.

  “Because secretly you have a man crush on him.” Annabella winks at me.

  Pierce damn near chokes on his roll and I slap him on the back. “She’s right you know. You always say you don’t want to watch with us, but you always end up there anyway.”

  Pierce glares at me before turning to one of his football buddies and Annabella and I giggle. Luckily I’ve had a really busy day and haven’t had a chance to run into Royal or think about Royal. We were fine before my dream, because there was no sexual tension. Now if I even think his name I kind of want to pant and drool. Being a teenager sucks.

  I look at Annabella seriously for too long and she starts to get annoyed. “What? Do I have ketchup on my face?” she snaps.

  “No. Sorry, I was lost in thought,” I admit, but I won’t admit what I was lost in thought about.

  She rolls her eyes but asks me, “So what’s going on? You need to talk about it?”

  I want to laugh because she looks like she might hurl. If I
start being sad again, she’s going to run for the hills. “It’s not about Trey. I promise.”

  She puts her fork down and glares at me. “I don’t care who it’s about. Just freaking talk to me. I really don’t want to end up back where we were. You’re my best friend, whether you like it or not.” Then she winks. “You’re fucking stuck with me.”

  I almost spit out my mouthful of food but I quickly swallow it. “I don’t know, Annabella. I have this friend, a male friend. And last night I kind of had a dirty dream about him. And now it’s all weird because I have created sexual tension. And I’m just not ready for that kind of relationship.”

  Now I’ve got Pierce’s attention but he looks like he’s about to upchuck. “You couldn’t have waited until I wasn’t around to say that? Who is this dude?” he growls.

  I sneer at him. “Will you quit growling? Jesus, you’re not a fudging dog, Pierce,” I glower.

  Annabella starts laughing so hard she snorts. “Oh my god! Our sarcastic little shit is back!” Then she stands up and lifts her arms into the air. “Do a little dance, make a little love, get down tonight!”

  I nearly bury my face in my tray, but I refrain. “Annabella sit down. Everyone is staring.” Pierce growls, yet again. I slap him on the back of the head. “Ouch. Sorry,” he mumbles.

  Annabella finally sits down without a care in the world. She doesn’t care what anyone thinks about her. I find I like that about her. She’s free to live her life without worrying about people saying shit about her. “I love you, Annabella. You’re just as crazy as I am.”

  She shakes her finger at me, “No, sugar, I was crazy before it was cool.” Then she winks.

  When lunch is over, I link my elbows with Pierce and Annabella, not a care in the world. I’m glad to have my friends back and to be somewhat normal again.