Break Me

by Amanda Heath

  “Hey…” and then I start sobbing. I didn’t realize how horrible and lonely my life has become. Just the sound of his voice makes me cry. He’s so real and so alive. I want to be like that again.

  “Wesley, babe, you have got to stop crying. You’re really freaking me out.” His voice cracks and I feel terrible. Why am I dragging him into this?

  “I’m sorry,” I hiccup and then take a deep breath trying to calm myself down. “I just needed to hear your voice. I needed to feel grounded for a moment.”

  “Where are you?” he inquires quietly.

  I hiccup again but I tell him. Even though I don’t want to. “The hospital.”

  “Which one?” is his reply.

  I look around the bathroom and find a cup with the hospital’s name on it. “Meadows Regional.”

  “Hold tight, Duchess. I’ll be there soon.” I try to tell him that he doesn’t have to show up here, but he hangs up before I can.

  I slowly get up off the floor and unlock the bathroom door. Bentley stands there looking lost and freaked out. “Who were you talking to in there?” he asks gently, but I can tell I scared him.

  I almost laugh but I refrain. “Royal.” Then I hold out my phone.

  Relief flashes across his face before he looks angry. “You have to tell him about Trey. If you want any kind of healthy relationship with him, you can’t keep him in the dark.”

  “I don’t want a relationship with him,” I mutter, walking around him.

  “Yes you do. Don’t lie to yourself Wesley. Even if it’s only friendship, you want something from him. You called him at your worst moment. That should tell you everything you want to know right there.” His eyes are stern and I want to look away but I know he’s right.

  “When did you become the older sibling here?” I try a laugh but it sounds forced.

  He rolls his eyes before he ushers me back to my bed. “When you fell off the deep end. Don’t worry, in a few years I’m sure you’ll be back to the wiser older sister.” He gives me a real smile and a small one appears on my lips.

  “I love you, Bentley.” I hug him tightly before I climb back into my hospital bed.

  “I love you too, Wesley.” Then he laughs and smoothes some hair from my face. “We have to be the weirdest siblings ever.”

  “No joke,” I tell him.

  Twenty minutes later, Royal strolls into my room. My mom and dad are handling all the paperwork with my doctors. I’m pretty sure they are going to have me committed.

  He doesn’t say anything when he walks in; he just grabs a chair and pulls it up beside my bed. Then he grabs my hand and squeezes it before placing a kiss on the back.

  “Why are you here?” I question.

  He looks up at me with his deep brown eyes and they shine with tears. “I don’t know really. After the night you got drunk at my house, I can’t stop picturing you in my head like that. All broken and messed up inside. I just realized you needed a friend, someone who wasn’t involved. If I have a quality you need in a friend, then I’m all over that.” He smiles a little, lost in thought. “It feels nice to be needed. Rachel finally made a friend, which is a blessing, considering how she is. And Channing’s about to have his hands full with a certain sexy redhead. Plus being there for you, it’s effortless.”

  We are quiet for awhile, lost in our own thoughts. Then he looks at me, intensely. “Seeing you in here, with that gown, breaks my fucking heart.”

  “I think I broke a lot of hearts today,” I mumble looking down at my hands.

  His hands come up to my face and turn it toward him. “And you don’t have to be sorry about that. Whatever is going on, you need to deal with it. Being put in here shows me you weren’t dealing with it. It also shows me that those around you, who know, they weren’t helping.”

  I finally meet his eyes. “You’re too good to be true,” I tell him, wishing I could just blurt it all out. But I can’t, and I don’t know why. It would be so easy to tell him everything. There’s just a part of me that likes that he doesn’t know. He may look at me with pity sometimes, but it’s not because of death. It’s because he can see I’m hurting.

  He chuckles and I close my eyes in pleasure from the sound. “No, girl. You’re too good to be true.” Then he kisses my cheek before letting me go.

  Channing hurriedly walks into the room and looks right at Royal, “Pierce is coming in the building. We’ve got to get out of here.” Then he looks at me. “If you need anything at all Bridges, you just let me know.” Next he salutes me. “Get better soon.” After that, he leaves the room.

  Royal laughs and turns back to face me. “Yeah, get better soon, Duchess.” He lifts my hand up again and kisses it before walking to the door. He turns to face me before exiting the room, “Stay sane, girl.” Then he’s gone.

  I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding. My life seems to be turning around and just maybe I’ll have Royal Sanders to thank.

  ***

  “They want to put you in a mental hospital for a few days, Wesley,” my mother tells me later that night. The funny thing about it is, I want to get better. I want to go.

  I take a deep breath, because I know she’s not going to agree with me on this. “I want to go, Mom. I want to get better.”

  Tears fall down from her eyes and she lifts her hand to wipe them away. “I should have known. My sweet little girl. You always do what’s best, whether I think it’s right or not.”

  I grab up her hand and squeeze, “I need help Mom. I collapsed today. That’s not good at all. I’ve also lost touch with reality. I need a break from all of this. I need to go somewhere and get right again.”

  She lays her head on my shoulder and sobs. I know this is hard for her, that I’ve become this way. But she is going to have to face it. Everyone is going to have to face it. “I know baby. I know.”

  Chapter Nine

  One Week Later…

  My parents finally agreed to let me go to the mental hospital. It was only a one-week thing. The doctors wanted me to talk to someone and adjust to eating right again. And now that I’ve had time to talk to a shrink, I realize I should have done it in the first place. I had a really nice shrink who asked me to call her by her first name, Michele. Come to think of it, I don’t even know her last name.

  She helped me overcome my emotions involving Trey. She made me realize it’s okay to mourn him but I still need to move on with my life. He passed away and it was tragic, but I’m still here. I’m still living and I need to start doing that again. Living the way I was, I was headed in a really bad direction. I can’t even process in my mind what would have happened if I hadn’t passed out at Ashley’s.

  Michele also helped me see I needed to make new friends. I’ve been stuck with Annabella and Pierce my whole life; I didn’t have any other friends to lean on. I had Trey but that’s what makes this so devastating to me. If I couldn’t get what I needed from my best friends, I would run to my boyfriend. He’s gone now, so I had no one to run to. She told me parents could only do so much. They are there to guide, raise and support me. Which is what they were doing, but I wasn’t comfortable coming to them with my feelings about Trey. I didn’t want to make them sad for me. I didn’t want to make Bentley sad for me, which I did anyway.

  Michele wanted to bring in Annabella and Pierce but I refused. Royal would be brought up and I can’t go through that yet. I really want to keep my friendship with him. He helped me when I couldn’t find anyone else to turn to.

  Royal and I talked on the phone, but it wasn’t about anything serious. Mostly I helped him with his history and we talked about school drama that had nothing to do with me.

  Saturday morning I greeted my family at the front desk. All three of them pulled me into a hug and it felt so great to be with them again. I know it was only a week, but it could have been an eternity. I was really bored when I didn’t have group therapy or an appointment with the shrink.

  There is a huge room where all the patients can go to
watch TV and interact but I didn’t feel like being a part of that. I’m not crazy, not by a long shot; so seeing people who are actually mentally insane was really hard for me. I just needed help dealing with depression and grief. Thankfully nothing else is wrong with me. There was a lady who used to scream at all hours of the night. I’m ready to get home and sleep for two days.

  “You look better, baby bear,” my dad says to me on our way out to the car. I’m short and have a high metabolism so I was skinny to begin with. I average about one hundred pounds. Apparently I got down to eighty. I’ve gotten back up to one hundred, but I blame the protein bars for that. They wouldn’t stop feeding them to me.

  “You ready to go home, Wes?” Bentley questions as I climb into the back seat of my parent’s car. I smile at him.

  “I have never been more ready.”

  ***

  By the time I walk into my house, I wish I had stayed at the mental hospital. The two most stressful things in my life were sitting on my couch. Annabella and Pierce. “I know why you’re both here, but can we seriously not do this right now?”

  Annabella stands up and I want to groan. “I know Wes, but you can’t ignore us forever. You’ll end up back where you just came from.” I want to laugh because the place I just came from were Royal’s arms. Kind of ironic, isn’t it?

  “Great start Annabella.” I mutter shifting around on my feet. “Well?” I inquire, eyeing the stairs I can just see behind Pierce’s big head.

  I look them over and feel only disgust. Annabella’s biggest dream is fashion. She has on leather boots with three-inch heels and cute little buckles up and down both sides. I’m guessing Chanel, but I don’t really know. I don’t look at designers; I just buy what I like. Her jeans are expensive and fit her almost too perfectly. Her top shirt is black with fabric cut in strips so they flutter when she moves. It has a beautiful gold design on the front; I can’t see the whole thing because of her deep red jacket. Her bottom shirt is black and I assume it’s to hide her stomach. Then she has a red bandana tied around her head and deep red lipstick. She looks awesome, but right now I would never tell her that.

  Before, I wasn’t ever really serious about thinking they had something going on, but I’m starting to get really scared that they do. I can tell she’s dressed Pierce. Everything he has on is designer and tailor made. Pierce normally doesn’t give a shit.

  “Are you two fucking?” I spit out bluntly.

  Their reactions tell me everything I need to know. They aren’t, but they want to. “No,” Pierce grits out. Annabella looks like a fish with no water, which is her generally shocked face. If they were guilty, they would look guilty and neither of them does. I shrug my shoulders in relief.

  “Good. You should really break up with your significant others before that happens. At least then you won’t be hurting Donovan as much.” Then I turn on my heel and find my way up the stairs. My room looks the same, but I know I’m different.

  I stopped being the weakling I was, and I grew a pair. Hopefully it stays that way.

  Chapter Ten

  After walking away from Pierce and Annabella I spent the rest of the day alone, much to the chagrin of my family, I spent it alone. I didn’t stare at the ceiling, if that’s what you were wondering. No, I spent it going through boxes that Mrs. Gardener sent over. It was full of things of Trey’s. Since I couldn’t make it to her house on Monday she sent me things she knew I would want. And I’m happy to report they didn’t make me sad. They made me happy. For the years Trey was on this planet, he was happy and he was loved. That seems to give me a peace now that it didn’t before.

  I taped all our movie tickets to a white board and framed them. We were both movie junkies, so there are a lot of them. Then I hung up all his shirts in my closet. Well, not all of them, just the ones I bought for him or had special meaning. Mrs. Gardener unwittingly put in the shirt I wore to sleep in the night Trey took my virginity. I admit I almost cried on that one, but I didn’t. I’d always have that piece of him. He was my first everything and they say you never forget your first.

  One box was completely full of DVD’s we bought together, so I left the house for a little while and picked up a new shelf so I could have a place for them. I already have a big shelf full of different movies. Now I could probably charge people to rent them, and make a huge profit.

  I didn’t get to make it through all the boxes, so I pushed them into my closet and made a mental note to finish on another day. I’m surprised I’m not in a hurry to get through them, but then again, I have the rest of my life. I think it would be nice when I’m way older to pull them out and go through them. Remember things that aren’t fresh in my mind at the time. Oh, that sounds amazing!

  So now it’s Sunday morning and I have agreed to go out with Pierce and Annabella. I promised Michele that I would work on my relationships with both of them. I wish I didn’t have to do it with them together. It’s harder to get anything in because they talk to each other like they haven’t talked in years. It’s very annoying.

  “There is no ‘Philly will beat the Cowboys’ this year. How can you even say such blasphemy?” Annabella exclaims while we ride in the car to IHOP.

  Pierce laughs and turns the wheel on the car, so we make a left. “Nick Foles understands the game. He’s broken Philly’s records and he’s only been playing a few weeks. If Vick hadn’t gotten hurt, Foles would never have had a chance. Hell he tied with Peyton Manning on passing records this year!”

  “Whatever. Philly always chokes when they play Dallas. It’ll happen again this year and we’ll make it to the playoffs. Then to the Super Bowl,” Annabella replies, a gloating smile on her face.

  “You two do realize I hate football?” I question with both my eyebrows raised. Annabella turns around in the front seat to face me. I toss my curly hair over my shoulder and groan.

  “What, are you a swimming fan now?” Annabella asks right back.

  I roll my eyes and flip her off. “No, I’m not a swimming fan either. If it’s a sport, I’m not watching it or talking about it. I thought today was about me and how you both screwed up your relationships with me?”

  Annabella glares at me but I don’t care. I am tired of everything being about them. Today it’s about me. “Sorry. I forgot how much fun you are.” With those words she turns back around in her seat.

  I sit up and poke my head into the front seat. “Pull over,” I snap at Pierce.

  He jerks, but doesn’t pull over. “No, Wesley. You’re going to stay in this car until we get to IHOP.”

  “No, I’m not. Look, you’re family Pierce. I’ll always love you, but I don’t have to put up with this bitch. “ I point my thumb at said bitch.

  Pierce flinches and makes a face like his stomach is upset. “Just wait till we get to IHOP. We’ll get something to eat and I’ll take you home,” he pleads with me.

  “No! I’m serious right now! I just got out of the crazy house and now this bitch wants to put me in jail after I beat the shit out of her!” I scream. I’m about to lose it.

  Where is the Annabella who used to stay at my house all the time? The one who watched Gossip Girl with me? The one who knew all my secrets? The one who used to comfort me when I was sad? She doesn’t exist anymore. My best friend is dead and this uber bitch replaced her.

  Pierce finally makes a turn to the left and once he parks I jump out of the car, only to realize we have arrived at IHOP. “I’m calling Bentley to come get me.” I tell whomever once they both get out of the car.

  “Wesley, just calm down! Why are you acting like this?” Pierce hollers over the car.

  I was walking away from the car, fishing my phone out of my purse but I stop in my tracks. Then I turn around ready to unload my thoughts on their bullshit. “For once in your life Pierce, wake the fuck up! Annabella is only going to bring you down. She already ruined your relationship with your only brother and I. We are family and you pushed us aside for a bitch who has her head so far up her ass she ha
sn’t seen the sun in months.” I’m huffing and puffing but I don’t care. It feels good to get this off my chest. Well, until I see Annabella standing by the car, tears falling steadily down her face.

  Pierce looks between the both of us. I know he doesn’t know whom to go to. I wouldn’t know whom to go to either. “Why are you crying? Do you finally feel something other than self absorbance?”

  “STOP!” Annabella screams and I’m jarred backward. She wipes at her eyes, smearing mascara all over the surface of her face. “I’m fucking sorry, Wesley! I’m sorry that I wasn’t there for you! But I didn’t know what the fuck to do for you! You were constantly depressed and I just couldn’t be around you! What was I supposed to do? Sit with you in your room and stare at the ceiling? Listen to all that horrible emo music you insisted on listening to? Because I couldn’t do it! Yes, I lost Trey too, we were the four amigos and shit. But you were the one in love with him! I just wanted you to be happy but you refused to make it happen.” Then she falls to her knees and my own tears break out. “I’m sorry I didn’t see you were hurting yourself. I’m so fucking sorry you even had to go through this! God it hurts to even think about, Wesley. You could have died, and yes, I was more self-centered than usual but you could have talked to me. Why didn’t you talk to me? That hurts too, Wesley. You hurt me, too.”

  I stumble over to her and fall to my knees in front of her. I take her hands away from her face and wrap my hands around her. “Forgive me okay? I’m sorry. You’ll always be my best friend, Annabella. Always.” I sob into her hair and she clutches me hard.

  We stay like that for several minutes but then I hear Pierce clear his throat. “We should get up before we make Pierce any more uncomfortable. You know how he is about affection.” Annabella whispers. We both laugh and look up at my cousin, whose cheeks are red. His eyes shift around the parking lot and a sense of dread fills me. “I would normally let you two do this girly shit whenever you wanted, but it seems our enemies are also here for breakfast.” Pierce states.