Break Me

by Amanda Heath

  She sits at the edge of her desk, crossing her ankles over each other. I only notice because I’m looking at the floor. “It wouldn’t have mattered to me. You are paid to help people; you have to be private and confidential. I would never have thought you’d tell Royal anything I said to you. I’m going to Yale you know, I’m not an idiot.”

  Her lips part into a perfect O and I wonder if I seem so dumb that she would be surprised I got into Yale. “With your test scores and GPA I would have thought Harvard would have opened their doors for you.”

  Oh that. “I had considered Harvard, but once they found out who my father is, they stopped calling. No big deal to me. The Big Three all have great History programs. I can’t choose wrong there.”

  She nods like this makes sense. “Let’s get back to the topic at hand, since I’ve gotten you to speak for the first time in three days.” I sigh and she laughs. “There’s no need for that. I know you feel beaten down right now, but that’s okay. It’s okay to feel whatever it is you do feel. You just have a bad habit of bottling that all up and letting it explode.”

  “I didn’t bottle it up this time. I wanted so bad to be with Royal so I decided to say goodbye for good to Trey. His mom brought over a couple of boxes while I was in here the first time. I went through one box weeks ago, but I completely forgot about the other ones. So that night, after I left Royal’s, I went through another box. I didn’t expect to find an engagement ring. I feel like I’ve been taking one step forward and two steps back since the day he died.

  “When I pulled that ring out, I felt so much rage. Rage over some dumbass who decided to drive drunk and hit my boyfriend. He took that away from me. He took my entire life away from me and I was left with this gaping hole. I started to put the pieces back together but they never seemed to fit.” Tears start to pool on my open palm but I don’t wipe them away. “That was my biggest problem. I didn’t know who I was without Trey. Plus, I was always alone and I listened to that voice in my head that told me no one cared. Then I started tutoring Royal. It wasn’t a big shift. Nothing changed overnight. Over time though? I became someone else because of him. I became someone who didn’t need anybody to define who I am.

  “Thinking about Trey hurt less and less. Until one day I didn’t think about him at all. That scared the shit out of me because I didn’t think I wanted to let him go. Then I realized talking to Royal or Annabella or even Pierce, it helped me. No, they didn’t understand, but they give killer advice. That’s when I decided I do need people, I just don’t need to rely solely on them for my sanity.” The tears have pooled so high in my palm they wash over onto my jeans. I don’t even care that it kind of looks like I pissed myself.

  “I want you to know that it’s okay to always love Trey. He was a part of your life for a long time. You should always keep his memory with you. There is nothing wrong with that. But this sadness and constantly thinking about it are going to keep bringing you down. You have to start getting back out with your friends. You have to find it inside you to keep Trey, but find another place to let someone else in. We never plan to lose the ones we love, so when they are gone, living becomes bleak.

  “I’m sure you’ve heard it before, Wesley, but I’ll say it again. From what I can gather, Trey wouldn’t want you to mourn him for the rest of your life. He would want you to go on. He would want you to have a family, someone who loves you like he did. Living is the best present we can give the dead. Do the things Trey would have wanted to do. Get out there and celebrate his life, don’t grieve in a dark room, with tears as your only friend.” Michele gets up off the desk and moves back around to her desk chair.

  She’s about to sit down when I ask the only thing I’ve been dying to ask. “You have two beautiful children. I just can’t understand how you can ignore them all the time.”

  Michele flinches and I feel awful for asking this question. It’s true though. Why does she not take part in their lives? “I was diagnosed with cancer when I was twenty five. The twins were three years old. At that point I had never given them a nanny, I did all their raising. But with chemo and constantly being in the hospital, they had to have a nanny. It took me three years to completely beat it. For a long time they thought I was going to die. It’s a miracle I’m sitting here today.

  “When I started being home all the time, the twins had no idea who I was. They knew I was their mother, but that I wasn’t around. I could see they loved their nanny; she had filled the mother role when I couldn’t. I didn’t blame her, or anyone, for it. Cancer and life did that to me. It may hurt them but I just never tried to be their true mother again. They had become so independent and self-sufficient. So I buried myself in my work. Now I barely see them but I’m helping people. I could be out doing drugs or spending my trust fund. Instead I choose to save lives and help people overcome the troubles in their lives.” She picks up a handkerchief from her desk and dabs at her eyes.

  “I’m sorry. I’ve just had to see what that did to them. You’ve been a huge help to me, I just want to repay you.” I take a deep breath and speak from my heart. “I just think you should stop working so much and be home more. Rachel doesn’t understand why you aren’t around. Royal is like me. He bottles it up and makes everyone think he’s okay on the outside. But he’s not. He’s hurting. They are both hurting. You should get to know them again. It’s never too late to be their mother.”

  After those parting words I walk out of her office. I notice for the first time she even pulled the faceplate out of her door. Good thing because Pierce is sitting outside in the waiting room. “You ready to go, love?” I ask him.

  His eyes pop open and he smiles. “It’s so good to hear your voice, Wes,” he mumbles, getting up and hugging me to his body.

  I relax against him for what seems like forever. It brings back all the times I scraped my knee when I was little. Or when I hurt myself at all when I was little. I didn’t run to my mom. I didn’t run to my dad or even Bentley. I ran to Pierce because he always knew how to make it better. “I promise I won’t shut up like that again. It just took me a long time to realize I’m not only hurting myself, but I’m hurting everyone around me.”

  He chuckles and I smile. “You knew you were hurting everyone. You just didn’t care, not this time at least. You wanted us all to hurt like you are. I just hope you get over that soon.”

  “Okay maybe I did know. It’s just really hard to stop. If I hurt so much, why can’t everyone else? Everyone is so fucking happy all the time and I just want to punch them in the face.” He chuckles again and it makes me think about another chuckle I love to hear. Then I just get sad again.

  “You want to get some food? I’m starving right now,” Pierce asks as he leads me out of my shrink’s office.

  ***

  “Donovan!” I scream walking into my house. My grown up cousin with his shaggy hair and deep green eyes is full of smiles. I run until I’m picked up and in his arms. “What are you doing here?”

  He sets me down and kisses the top of my head. “I came to see you, Dumbo. I hear you have had quite the week.” He looks at me like I should just start spilling it all out.

  I put my hands on my hips and glare. “You can’t even lie. You came to see Annabella. You couldn’t even wait the two weeks for Thanksgiving to get here.”

  He laughs and pulls me down to the couch with him. “You look good today. The way Pierce made it sound, you weren’t be speaking to anyone.”

  I let out a snort. “Yeah, I went through that for three days. But it was more like I was lost in my own thoughts than not wanting to speak to anyone,” I tell him, settling back against the couch.

  “Annabella has been worried about you. So I figured it was pretty bad because we all know she only worries about herself.” He throws his head back and smiles up at Annabella, who had come into the living room from the kitchen.

  She gives him an evil grin and kisses him. I spy Pierce lurking at the kitchen entrance and my heart hurts for him. If only Annabe
lla had wanted Pierce, instead of Donovan. Not that I don’t want Donovan to be happy, but that’s Donovan. He would be happy with anyone who could have a good time and loved him. Annabella was it for Pierce. There wasn’t anyone else out there for him. And she had to go and screw it all up because when Annabella and Donovan break up, and they will break up, she couldn’t be with Pierce. Donovan would never let that happen.

  Annabella is the Helen of Troy in our family. My heart does,and always will, side with Pierce. He deserves the best in life and it sucks that he won’t ever want anyone the way he wants Annabella.

  “I’m going to go up to my room. I haven’t looked at my phone for days,” I say to no one since Van and Annabella have their tongues down each other’s throats. I don’t even think they notice me walking away and up to my room.

  My mom let me stay home from school on Tuesday and Wednesday. Not that she had much to fight it, considering I refused to get out of bed. So I slept for two days. That’s why this morning she forced me out of bed and made Pierce take me to Michele.

  My phone died at some point during all of this and I found it on my bed where I left it Monday night. It hurts to enter my room, where everything has changed. Mom had a cleaning company come yesterday to clean the glass and repair the sheetrock. The ring and everything of Trey’s is nowhere to be found. I couldn’t stomach coming in here after that so I slept in the guest room.

  I plug the charger in and connect my phone. I wait for like five minutes before it comes on. I immediately start getting texts and voicemails. The texts are all from Rachel. The voicemails are all from Royal. I go through the texts first, but they all say the same thing. “Where are you?”, “Pierce won’t tell me shit! Let me know you’re not dead!”, or “I hate you! My brother is in ruins! Get ahold of me!”

  I’m not much of a texter but I text her anyway. I let her know I’ll be at school tomorrow and I’m not dead. I send an all-together different one to Royal.

  We made a mistake. I can’t be with you. I’m sorry if I led you on. Have a nice life, Royal.

  Chapter Twenty

  You might be wondering why I let go of Royal. I mean, I had a perfectly nice guy who was there for me, and we had amazing sex. He’s funny, charming, and so full of love it’s not even funny. That’s what makes him so alive. He and Trey are both like that. They would do anything they could to make someone else feel better. They didn’t care if it made them look weak or girly. They are true men in my eyes.

  You might also be wondering why I got so mad the night I found the ring. Yeah I was mad because it seemed life was throwing another thing at me, a thing I had no control over. I was mostly mad because that ring ruined anything I ever had with Royal. How could I ever be with him, try something with him, if I would always be in love with another man?

  What scares me the most is that I would have told Trey yes. If he had asked me, I would have screamed from the rooftops, “YES!” But I would have also told him hell no. If he had asked right here and now, I would have told him no because I was thinking about giving my heart to another man. I had already given him my body my heart was close behind.

  If both of them were standing in front of me right now, I wouldn’t know whom to pick. And that adds more to my hurt. How could I even think of picking Royal over Trey? How could I become that person? If they were both alive, I couldn’t do it. I want both of them and that’s why I let Royal go.

  You might not understand, but that’s okay. I don’t expect you to. I don’t ever want you to be in this position to begin with. Losing my boyfriend is, and will probably be, the hardest thing I’ll ever have to go through. Which brings me to my point. Being with Royal isn’t worth the pain I’ll put him through. I’ll never be one hundred percent his. I’ll always be half Trey’s.

  Believe it or not, Trey helped shape me into the woman I am today. He gave me advice; straightforward, beautiful advice every day I was with him. He made me a better person. I don’t want Royal to ever have to think about what I am thinking about. I don’t want him to think I’m thinking of Trey when I’m doing the dishes or folding clothes. I don’t want him to think if we have kids, I’ll wish their father were Trey.

  I don’t want Royal to be Pierce.

  Pierce will forever be in love with a girl who can’t love him back. Not the way he deserves. Annabella is already in love with Donovan, not to mention, herself. I don’t see an end for her and Van any time soon. “Love The Way You Lie” is the perfect song for Annabella and Pierce. She will forever watch him burn and he’ll always love to burn for her. It scares me to even think about. Two people, who I love, will forever be hurt because Annabella couldn’t see the right guy for her was always there.

  I don’t want Royal to waste his time on me because I will never be over Trey. Yeah, ten years down the road, I might not think of him every day, but I will still love him. I can’t do that to my sweet Royal. I can’t let him love me, knowing I will always be in love with Trey. So, I hurt him now before it’s too late.

  ***

  “Dude, why is the Brady Bunch staring at us?” Annabella whispers from across the lunch table.

  “The Brady Bunch?” I mumble, on the verge of laughter. Pierce has already beaten me to it. He’s sitting next to me laughing from his gut.

  Annabella glares at us both and huffs. “Paisley, Royal, Rachel and Channing. The mother fucking Brady Bunch,” she spits out, venom in her voice.

  I hold back my laughter, barely. “Did you start your period today?” Annabella has the worst PMS of any girl I have ever met. It’s that whole pain thing. Her cramps are awful and I’ve found her plenty of times in a ball on the bathroom floor crying her eyes out. Annabella hates pain and hates crying. Add them together and she is a raging bitch.

  “Yes.” She sighs, already calming down. “Sorry. You know how I am.”

  I snort but look over at the Brady Bunch. Paisley is looking directly at me with a thoughtful look on her face. I glare at her and her face changes to shock. Then she just glares back at me. “Aren’t Paisley and Channing together now?” I ask, looking at Annabella.

  She holds her stomach and groans. “Yes. You remember I told you they haven’t been to school for like three days? They both had the flu. Apparently they got each other sick with all the spit swapping and shit.”

  “Gross! You didn’t have to say all that,” I mutter. “You could have stopped at ‘They both had the flu.’ I mean, Jesus.”

  Pierce snickers and I smack his shoulder. “Sorry. I overhead that from Rachel Sanders. You know how she is. All up in your face and no filter in her brain,” Annabella speaks directly to her huge piece of chocolate cake.

  I glance over at Rachel and see her head bent low. She’s speaking to Paisley and I wonder if they are talking about me. Did Royal say something? I still talk to Rachel. I feel like I should since she doesn’t make friends well. I know what it’s like to be alone when you really need someone around.

  Then I move my eyes to her twin brother. Outwardly he looks fine, but that’s only if you don’t know him. His shoulders are tense and he eats like a dying man. Well, that’s not different, but the messy hair and wrinkled clothes are.

  After I came back to school, he tried to talk to me a few times, but I blew him off. I’ve been staying close to Annabella and Pierce so he doesn’t get any ideas about approaching me. Though for the past week he’s been ignoring me. He won’t meet my eyes and he got a new tutor for World History.

  I’m not going to lie and say it doesn’t hurt, but what was I expecting? I let him go, and he moved on. I guess I just thought what we had was more than that. But what do I know? I didn’t fight for him, so why should he fight for me?

  “I’m getting Vic to call and let me leave early. I need to lay down and take a handful of pain pills.” Annabella groans, banging her head against the table.

  “Well banging your head isn’t going to make it any better, sugar,” I say, laughing with Pierce at her antics.

  She lifts her h
ead up and glares. “Just you wait. Yours will be here before the day is over. You’re never far behind me with Aunt Flo.” Her phone goes off on the table and she grins real big while reading it. “Later, dickholes! I’m going home to my boyfriend, the heating pad!”

  Pierce and I watch her leave. I giggle when she passes the Brady Bunch and flips them off. Rachel stands up and throws an apple core at her. She sits down fast before Annabella can turn around to see who threw it. It bangs into Annabella’s shoulder and falls to the ground. She turns with a glare on her face and I can see her getting ready to let it all out.

  What surprises me the most is when Pierce starts laughing when Paisley points to Channing, who points to Rachel who points to Royal who points to Paisley. I mean it’s funny, but usually if they are being funny he gets all pissy. “You are growing up on me Pierce,” I tell him, laying my head on his shoulder.

  “I still hate Channing and Royal but Rachel is growing on me. Plus, Paisley has balls bigger than mine. And it’s comical that they are going up against Annabella, who will eat them for dinner.” He wraps an arm around my shoulders squeezing me to him.

  “No way. Paisley is from the wrong side of the tracks. She’s got spunk, humor, smarts, and muscles. All Annabella has is smarts and muscles. Then you add Rachel, who has humor and spunk. They don’t equal out. They will take her down and I might just sit back and watch the show,” I tell him, completely serious.

  There has come a time in my life that I realize Annabella is my best friend. I love her to death and I will do just about anything for her. But I won’t let her ruin Pierce. I won’t let her ruin my cousin. Because in the long run, Pierce will always be here. Annabella won’t.

  ***

  “Can I talk to you?” Rachel asks after seventh period at our lockers.

  I look at her and notice her chewing her lip. “As long as you don’t lock me in a room with Royal, then sure.” I put my last book up and shut the locker door.