At the Broken Places

by Mary Collins

  Trans people who “pass” or fit more seamlessly within this binary, are able to exercise their rights with a degree of safety and comfort other trans and gender-variant people do not have. The idea of “passing” as a goal or way of validating gender is further discussed and critiqued in Alyssandra’s interview.

  Mal repeatedly acknowledged a severe pressure to meet other people’s expectations of a transition. Even when Mal looked to other trans peers for support, having binary images reflected back only reinforced the aim of looking “like that.”

  They explained that by creating a trans-life narrative, wherein someone has to have surgery and “pass,” we are just creating another unfair standard, another gender box. This goes back to Mal’s assertion that cis people are always looking to hear the same familiar “coming out” story, to be assured, for example, that a person has always felt like a boy since birth.

  MAL: The truth is that I have not always felt this way. And I think for a long time I had to be firm in saying that, even though I didn’t necessarily feel that way. I have definitely always felt different than my peers, but I don’t think that’s necessarily because I’m trans. I think it has to do with a lot of different factors with my identity: of being Hispanic, of being queer identified, of just not falling into norms within my community.

  I think once you’re able to realize you can go on your own path and go on your own journey, it’s extremely liberating.

  As a student, you were involved in many LGBTQ groups and organizations. What were some of the institutional problems you ran up against?

  MAL: I think that when you think you’re on the top, that there’s no way to go further. And that’s the biggest problem that I see even with LGBT groups, with colleges that get ranked among the top for LGBT issues, with cities that are known as queer utopias. And I think when it comes down to it, they’re really not. They themselves have a lot of work to continue to press on with.

  You expressed how much stress and anxiety you had around speaking to your family about gender. What is your relationship to your family like now?

  MAL: So, I haven’t formally come out to my family, though I know that they know that I was on testosterone. I found out through my sister that my dad had asked her about it, because I guess it came up on my insurance bill. So I know it’s out there, and I know that at any time they could ask me. But I think that they’re just waiting at this point for me to talk about it. And even though I’ve come to terms with myself being trans for the last six years or more, it’s still something that I’m not ready to talk about.

  Mal worries about being unable to meet their family’s “expectations of a transition,” that their parents will have too many questions. They worry their family won’t understand their gender identity or be able to envision a healthy relationship with a genderqueer child.

  MAL: I think that’s why I’ve held off. My sister knows. But even as a lesbian, she hasn’t always been perfect, I would say. When I did first come out to her, when I first came out my senior year of high school, she didn’t understand and she just wasn’t ready for that. And I, looking back, don’t blame her.

  And now she’s great. She’s more educated about trans issues, about trans identities, and through college has met other genderqueer and agender and gender-nonconforming people. I think that, over time, she realized she needed to “read up” on this.

  My friends in college were great, and I think that’s why I’ve been so open and honest with them through everything, because they said, “I don’t know, but that’s okay because you’re my friend, and I don’t care what I call you or how you look as long as, at the end of the day, we can still watch scary movies together and do crazy shenanigans.”

  I think that my family, when I was first coming out and first started wearing men’s clothing and stuff like that, they didn’t show me immediate unconditional love. And that was the hardest part. So I’ve still just been reserved because of those moments that I needed my family and they weren’t there exactly how I needed them to be. So I think that’s why I’ve been holding out, waiting for a perfect moment. There have been moments that I certainly could have said something and chose not to, and I regret those.

  How do you take care of yourself?

  MAL: I never really had that great of friends in high school, so having amazing friends in college was my self-care. I had different groups, like my best friends that I could go to when I just needed to get out of my head and play video games or go outside. And then I also had a great support group through the LGBT groups that I was involved in. I was able to connect with other people to feel a deeper sense of community.

  Now that I’m out of college, I’m struggling to find a community. Especially in San Francisco, where it feels very gay-male heavy, and I’m not a gay male. I think it’s hard for me to find a community. I don’t necessarily want a group of just trans friends; I want a group of different LGBT identities, and I haven’t quite found that yet.

  And I think I just keep searching for others who have a similar identity to me. Or to have some divine sign of what I should do for my transition, but so far it hasn’t come, so I think I’m still looking out for it.

  But in the meantime, my self-care is just surrounding myself with my friends and my partner and people who deeply care about me.

  Donald’s Reading List

  For those interested in learning more about trans lives and gender-variant perspectives—or if you’re simply down to hang out with a rad book—this is a good place to start!

  The lists below provide a framework for understanding trans and gender non-conforming people throughout history, and how they have been represented (or not). Some of these books revolve around transness, some merely include trans characters, and others explore the changing position of gender in American society. Some are written by trans people; many are not. Although there are several exceptions, titles here deal mostly with Western perspectives on trans identity.

  I compiled these books (and one journal) based on my own reading, outside recommendations, and research. It’s not comprehensive, but within these categories, I intended to include some of the most seminal trans works, as well as the works of newer authors. There are also workbooks designed to give families a head start on trans issues, and offer parenting guidance.

  Please note that topics tackled by writers, especially in the memoir genre, can be significantly difficult and graphic, with depictions of drug use, sexual abuse, and physical violence.

  Fiction

  Annabel, by Kathleen Winter

  Breakfast on Pluto, by Patrick McCabe

  The Collection: Short Fiction from the Transgender Vanguard, edited by Riley MacLeod and Ryka Aoki

  Kafka on the Shore, by Haruki Murakami

  Kitchen, by Banana Yoshimoto

  Myra Breckinridge, by Gore Vidal

  Orlando, by Virginia Woolf

  Stone Butch Blues, by Leslie Feinberg

  The Well of Loneliness, by Radclyffe Hall

  Young Adult Fiction

  Almost Perfect, by Brian Katcher

  Being Emily, by Rachel Gold

  A Boy Like Me, by Jennie Wood

  George, by Alex Gino

  If I Was Your Girl, by Meredith Russo

  Luna, by Julie Anne Peters

  Parrotfish, by Ellen Wittlinger

  Symptoms of Being Human, by Jeff Garvin

  General Interest Nonfiction

  Delusions of Gender: How Our Minds, Society, and Neurosexism Create Difference, by Cordelia Fine

  Far from the Tree: Parents, Children, and the Search for Identity, by Andrew Solomon

  Out of the Past: Gay and Lesbian History from 1869 to the Present, by Neil Miller

  Sex Changes: Transgender Politics, by Patrick Califia

  Transgender History, by Susan Stryker

  Transgender Studies Quarterly (journal), edited by Paisley Currah and Susan Stryker

  Whipping Girl: A Transsexual Woman on Sexism and the Scapegoating of Fe
mininity, by Julia Serano

  Family & Community

  Artistic Expressions of Transgender Youth, by Tony Ferraiolo

  Beyond Magenta: Transgender Teens Speak Out, by Susan Kuklin

  The Gender Creative Child: Pathways for Nurturing and Supporting Children Who Live Outside Gender Boxes, by Diane Ehrensaft

  The Gender Quest Workbook: A Guide for Teens and Young Adults Exploring Gender Identity, by Deborah Coolhart, Rylan J. Tesla, and Jayme Peta

  Trans Bodies, Trans Selves: A Resource for the Transgender Community, by Laura Erickson-Schroth

  The Transgender Child: A Handbook for Families and Professionals, by Stephanie A. Brill and Rachel Pepper

  Transgender 101: A Simple Guide to a Complex Issue, by Nicholas Teich

  Memoir & Nonfiction Anthologies

  Becoming a Visible Man, by Jamison Green

  Being, by Zach Ellis

  Gender Failure, by Rae Spoon and Ivan E. Coyote

  Gender Outlaws: The Next Generation, by Kate Bornstein and S. Bear Bergman

  Man Alive: A True Story of Violence, Forgiveness, and Becoming a Man, by Thomas Page McBee

  Nobody Passes: Rejecting the Rules of Gender and Conformity, edited by Mattilda Bernstein Sycamore

  Queer & Trans Artists of Color: Stories of Some of Our Lives, interviews by Nia King

  Redefining Realness: My Path to Womanhood, Identity, Love & So Much More, by Janet Mock

  She’s Not There: A Life in Two Genders, by Jennifer Finney Boylan

  Trans/Portraits: Voices from Transgender Communities, by Jackson Wright Shultz

  Trauma Queen: A Memoir, by Lovemme Corazón

  Acknowledgments

  MARY COLLINS: First and foremost I want to thank my remarkable son, Donald Collins, for having the courage and open-mindedness to engage in this book project with me.

  I would also like to thank my mother, Constance Collins, who showed Donald and me the road back to each other; my siblings, James Collins, Elizabeth Collins, and Tricia Collins, for never walking away from what must have been a fraught situation for the extended family.

  In general, I had few people to turn to whom I could trust to listen to my fears and questions without judgment during Donald’s high school and college years, but those who did step up for me provided much-needed solace during the hardest hours. Thank you, Susan McElhinney, Tom Vasko, Sal Lilienthal, Michael Sloan, Scott Franklin, Russell Gardner, and Linda Wagner.

  Many of the parents of transgender teens and college-age students who I contacted for this book shared my wariness and lack of trust in counselors and health professionals, which made my conversations with Libby McKnight and Elijah Nealy, two professionals who helped me find parents for my Story Exchange section, especially affirming. They understood immediately what At the Broken Places could offer families and worked hard to convince parents to trust me with their stories.

  Of course, I must also thank the parents who spoke to me, either anonymously or on the record, including those who did not want me to publish their stories but still shared their experiences with me. We all felt comforted by talking about our shared challenges.

  This project started as an essay that I wrote for a summer Yale Writer’s Workshop directed by Eileen Pollack, director of the MFA program at the University of Michigan at the time. I want to thank her for giving Donald and me an enthusiastic introduction to Beacon Press when we were ready to shop our proposal. I also did a book-manuscript exchange with my dear friend Paula Whitacre—she edited our project, and I provided feedback on her fine biography of Civil War heroine Julia Wilbur, who helped escaped slaves build a new life in Virginia. Few things in life have given me as much pleasure as being a part of the community of letters in the United States, and Eileen and Paula represent just two of the many fine writers, editors, and other professionals I’ve worked with over my career.

  From the moment Beacon Press accepted At the Broken Places, I knew we had found the best possible home for our book. The staff embraced our work with such enthusiasm and professionalism at every part of the process, from the fine copyedit by managing editor Susan Lumenello to the hard work on the cover design by Louis Roe. They even met with us in person for more than two hours in Boston, a level of engagement that’s hard to find in publishing anymore.

  I wish to close with a special thanks to Michael Bronski, who graciously agreed to include At the Broken Places in his series, Queer Action/Queer Ideas, and to Beacon’s editorial director, Gayatri Patnaik, who embraced our project with such verve from the moment she saw our proposal. To receive such a welcome from such an experienced editor on such an emotionally complex project validated for me that Donald and I had indeed reflected carefully and with humanity on our journey and used our shared love of writing and books to create something we can both be proud of.

  DONALD COLLINS: The kindest people in life never expect anything in return, and indeed I will never be able to return the kindness extended to me by the people named here.

  First off, thanks to my mother for her capacity to weather total honesty throughout the duration of this collaboration. I love you and am so happy to have painful honesty over silence, denial, and estrangement. I am forever in awe at all you accomplished as a working single parent.

  Thank you to my grandmother Constance, whose name suggests the exact unfailing love and devotion she provided my mother and me. Thank you, Aunt Tricia, Aunt Betty, and Uncle Jimmy.

  Thank you to my dad, Andrew, for his continued support. I already had one father walk away—I hope you know that you are loved and appreciated.

  I’d like to thank the Loomis Chaffee School for its conscientious efforts to create a safe environment for LGBTQ students, and I extend total gratitude to all the individuals and educators there who made my experience so worthwhile: Andrew Watson, Andrea Rooks, Mark Zunino, Jennifer McCandless, Dennis Robbins, Deb and Frank Aniello, and Robin Willard, among others. Thank you, Sus, Joanna, Shondaray, Susannah, Garrett, Fred, Dru, Xandee, and Palmer Dormitory.

  Shout out to Emerson College for providing me with a creative and interdisciplinary undergrad experience, and to the educators and administrators there committed to helping queer students and spreading gender education. Thank you, Tulasi Srinivas, for opening my mind and helping me see a world beyond myself. Thank you, Jane Powers, for all your medical guidance and personal encouragement. Thank you to my LB and Colonial RA staffs. Thank you, Brittany Burke, Katie Krause, and Scott Wallace.

  To my health-care professionals, Dr. Trantham, Dr. Honen, Dr. Hulinsky, Dr. Johnson, and Dr. Travias: Thank you all for being so good.

  Thank you to the Phi Alpha Tau fraternity and the spring 2013 pledge class for its unconditional support and community. I’m particularly grateful for the care of Christian Bergren-Aragon, Brendan Scully, Daniel Irwin, Ryan Sweeney, Christopher Kavanah, Chris Largent, Eric Maxwell, Benjamin Lindsay, Nic Damasio, Mari Watson, Alicia Carroll, John Lewis, Darian Carpenter, Ethan Weiser, Carey Shannon, and, of course, the incomparable Mike Dunbar.

  To my friend Skylar Spear and his family: I love you all so much. I couldn’t have made it to senior prom, never mind anywhere else, without you.

  Additional thanks to Tony Ferraiolo and Dru Levasseur, for their live-saving work, and to Tonasia, Mal, Oscar, Alyssandra, Helena, Maha, Caroline, my wonderful roommate Christine, and my friends Kassie King and Matthew Begbie. Love you.

  I’d also like to extend massive appreciation to Beacon Press for the care and respect they directed toward our project and for the contributions of Louis Roe and Perpetua Charles to this book’s design and marketing.

  Sources

  Introductions

  Word Bank

  F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby (1925; New York: Scribner, 2004).

  Annamarie Jagose, Queer Theory: An Introduction (New York: New York University Press, 1997).

  Julia Serano, Whipping Girl (Berkeley, CA: Seal Press, 2007).

  Susan Stryker, Transgender History (Berkeley,
CA: Seal Press, 2008).

  Pronouns and Body Parts

  Who Wears the Pants?

  Jon I. Einarsson and Yoko Suzuki, “Total Laparoscopic Hysterectomy: 10 Steps Toward a Successful Procedure,” Obstetrics & Gynecology 2, no. 1 (Winter 2009): 57–64.

  Jaime M. Grant, Lisa A. Mottet, Justin Tanis, Jack Harrison, Jody L. Herman, and Mara Keisling, Injustice at Every Turn: A Report of the National Transgender Discrimination Survey (Washington: National Center for Transgender Equality and National Gay and Lesbian Task Force, 2011).

  Virginia Woolf, Orlando (1928; Boston: Mariner Books, 1973).

  Mismatch

  American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, which analyzed the results of the National Transgender Discrimination Survey, 2015. On the more than 40 percent (41 percent) of transgender children who attempt suicide.

  Peter Beinart, “Why America Is Moving Left,” Atlantic, January/February 2016. For the YouGov survey on those who feel that being transgender is morally wrong.

  Anthony Faiola, “Europe Pushes for Gender-Neutral World,” Washington Post, June 18, 2015.

  Anemona Hartocollis, “New Girl in School: Transgender Surgery at 18,” New York Times, June 17, 2015. For information on Swedish studies and growing trend towards making gender switch at ever younger ages.

  Jamie Hawkesworth, photographer, “One,” New York Times Sunday Magazine, October 16, 2014, 166.

  Dr. Dean Hokanson, author interview, West Hartford, CT, spring 2015. On the two-step process for male bodies and brains in womb.

  Ian Peate, “Understanding Key Issues in Gender-Variant Children and Young People,” British Journal of Nursing 17 (September 25–October 8, 2008): 1114–18.

  Steve Petrow, “Civilities,” Washington Post, October 27, 2014.

  Peg Rosen, “You Really Do Need Your Ovaries,” More Magazine, June 2009. She cites a study with thirty thousand participants conducted by the Nurses’ Health Study. William Parker from the John Wayne Cancer Center, Santa Monica, CA, “Long-Term Mortality Associated with Oophorectomy versus Ovarian Conservation in the Nurses’ Health Study,” Obstetric Gynecology 121, no. 4 (April 2013): 709–16.