Broken Dreams (Delos Series Book 4)

by Lindsay McKenna

  His heart leaped when she mentioned the word “love.” Lifting her hand, he kissed the back of it, feeling the warmth of her flesh, the scent of her. “Bad things happen to everyone,” he told her somberly. “It’s what we do with what happened to us that counts.”

  CHAPTER 20

  The pale pink wash from the sunset deepened, turning the woods surrounding the cabin Alexa’s favorite color. Sitting with Gage on the swing was a dream come true for her.

  “Has coming home helped you?” Gage asked, absorbing her upturned face.

  Anxiety riffled through her as she admitted, “Getting home, going to work at Artemis, allowed me to shift my focus from me to my job, Gage. That was good. I wasn’t trying to run from my feelings; Becka said it was important to work through them and not ignore them or try to suppress them. Tal was great. She gave me immediate support, focused me, and told me what I needed to know to start working at Artemis. I’ve always known that the Safe House branch of Delos offered help for abused women and children, getting them back on their feet and sometimes training them to run a small business. Whatever Delos could do to help them get back their self-confidence was up for consideration, as long as it gave them hope for a future. They wouldn’t ever have to rely on a man to provide income or food again.”

  “And those are all worthy goals,” Gage agreed.

  “Yes, and they’re right up my alley. And I’ve already been able to put in place a new directive for Safe House.” Her mouth flattened, anger coming to her eyes. “I had heard, off and on, about women and children being kidnapped and sent into sexual slavery, Gage. I’d read it in the newspaper or hear it on the news. But it never impacted me . . . until now.”

  “And of course it does.” Gage nodded understandingly.

  “Better believe it,” she agreed hotly. “Look, I’ve had the experience, or close enough to it. I never want to see a child or woman treated like that. I’ve been in a number of international meetings with Mom, her brothers, and my cousin Angelo. I’ve pushed through the directive that we give sexual slavery top priority, right along with foreign fathers stealing their American children from their wives and hiding them so mother and child will never reunite. I’ve been working closely with Becka because she’s tied into the local rape crisis center in Washington, D.C. I’m also working with women advocates across the world now, gathering all of them into one network where we can share information with one another.”

  Her voice deepened with emotion. “I just didn’t know, Gage. I didn’t know, until it happened to me, what a horrific, life-changing, awful experience a child or woman goes through when captured and forced into sexual slavery.”

  Gage held her anguished gaze and gently stroked her hand. “But you’re doing something positive about it now, Alexa. That’s as good as it gets down here. I’m really proud of you, and proud of what you’re doing.”

  Her shoulders slumped and she nodded. “Thanks. You know, it helps me, too, Gage. I have so much anger inside it scares the hell out of me. Becka told me it’s normal, but I can’t live like this. I’ve always been a very upbeat, positive person, as you know, but this experience has slammed me to the ground, and it’s changed me forever. It’s made me realize something that’s so ugly about men. It’s hard to swallow some days. There are some major sickos out there, and they’re everywhere, even here in the States.”

  Gage reached out, sliding his hand along her shoulders. “You’re throwing yourself into this, and that’s great, but I wonder if you’re giving yourself enough time to heal . . .” He frowned, his concern clearly etched on his face.

  She laughed abruptly. “You and Becka, you’re a pair! She’s been on me about that, too. In a way, Gage, I need to do this, because it fulfills me. I love focusing on this issue and getting the network up and functioning. Then I can bring together all the groups that are trying to rescue these women and children from such a terrible existence. I’m taking all the anger boiling inside me and using it proactively to make positive changes. I’m scheduled to go before a Senate hearing next month with Sarina Elstad from Oslo, Norway. Her younger sister, Kiara, was kidnapped off a street in that city at twenty years old. She ended up in the country of Malgar, a sex slave to Valdrin Rasari.” Her lips flattened, her voice tight. “That son of a bitch is the most powerful sex trafficker in the world. Sarina’s father is very rich, and he spent years trying to find Kiara. They finally sent in a black ops team and were able to rescue her at age twenty-four.” She shook her head. “Poor Kiara. Those four years broke her, and Sarina has become a major world voice against sex traffickers as a result. When she speaks, people listen. There are other women advocates who are front and center on this issue. Because Delos is throwing its considerable weight and importance as a charity into it, it sends the Senate a message. We can’t wait to get legislation started.”

  “It’s a good first effort,” he agreed, holding her pained gaze. “We can only change the world one step at a time.”

  “You’re right.” She studied him the dusk light, his face shadowed but so strong-looking. “I need to know how you became so sensitive to me and my situation, Gage. From the stories you’ve shared with me about your past, you had a really happy family like ours. When I was nearly hysterical after you rescued me, you seemed to know what I was experiencing. You had the right words; you were able to reach me when no one else could. I was in such chaos.”

  Tilting her head, Alexa studied him. “I’ve had enough time to look back on what you did for me, Gage. And I know something tragic happened to your family. I know they’re gone, but you never told me what happened to them. Will you? Because I feel it’s such a powerful part of you. No one had the words for me, the depth of understanding you had, when you got me out of that hellhole. My poor parents were floundering, unsure of what to say or do. But you didn’t—because you knew! How, Gage? Please tell me.”

  Gage felt his gut twist and knot. He’d known this day would come. He stopped rocking the swing. “Would you like to go for a sunset walk on that trail near the cabin?” he asked her. He knew he couldn’t sit still and do this, and he saw Alexa give him a small smile.

  “Sure.” She stood up, holding out her hand to him. “Come on . . .”

  The trail was shadowed in a pink wash, winding through the trees. Gage walked with Alexa, his arm around her shoulder as they moved down the flat, wide expanse, deeper into the woodlands.

  At first, the words came hard and there were a lot of silences between them. Alexa’s arm was around his waist and he absorbed her warmth, her womanly strength. He left nothing out. He felt Alexa squeeze him, holding him close to her, giving him silent reassurance. Sometimes, he heard a soft moan coming from her, an expression of sympathy for him.

  They entered a small clearing, the shadows gathering as the last of the pink and red sunset began to slowly dissolve on the western horizon. Gage turned and rested his arms across her shoulders, looking down into her anguished features. Alexa would always be very sensitive to the pain others experienced; it was her nature, he realized.

  “I live with my guilt that I was late that afternoon to walk my sister home from school. I’ve often wondered whether, if I’d been there, that gang would have attacked her.”

  Alexa heard the heaviness in his tone and saw the raw guilt on his face. “But that was completely out of your control, Gage. You had no way of knowing. You didn’t plan on that teacher wanting to talk to you at the last minute, delaying you so you couldn’t meet Jen.”

  “I know, sweetheart, but it’s not a rational thing. It still eats at my soul.”

  She moved forward, leaning lightly against Gage, her arms curling around his shoulders, which carried so much tension in them. “Becka has gotten me to realize that there was nothing I could have done going to that village with you that morning. Neither of us could have known what was waiting for us. We did the best we could, Gage, under horrendous circumstances.”

  “But I felt danger,” he rasped. “I felt it when we l
anded, and I couldn’t pinpoint it until it was too late, Alexa.”

  “And that’s because you’re a sniper, so you’re attuned to everything around you. But it doesn’t make you perfect and it doesn’t mean you’ll know what that threat is, Gage. That’s asking way too much of yourself.” She held his clouded gaze, felt his pain. “It’s the same as not knowing that your teacher’s holding you up would put Jen in jeopardy. You can’t see the future, Gage. None of us can.”

  He made a grumbling sound, shaking his head.

  “The ‘if only’s’ of life plague both of us,” she offered him, looking deep into his troubled blue eyes, which were filled now with agony. “If only I hadn’t decided to go out to that village. If only I didn’t believe in helping others who have less than I do.” Alexa reached up, brushing a few strands of hair off his furrowed brow. “But there are positive ‘if only’s’ too, Gage. If only I hadn’t decided at the last minute to meet Matt at the canteen. I wouldn’t have met you. If only I hadn’t kissed you in the Humvee . . . well, you know the rest.”

  She gave him a sad smile, her hand grazing his face, all her love in that touch. “If only you didn’t have the courage to kiss me back. We can’t live our lives in that kind of tortured state. We can only do our best at the time, Gage. That’s as good as it’s going to get for all of us.”

  “I know you’re right,” he offered gruffly, moving his fingers along her shoulders, feeling the heat of her skin beneath the fabric. “There are better days when I can put it in that perspective. And then there are worse days when I sink down into the guilt regarding Jen. My one act got not only her murdered but my dad as well. And it broke my mother in ways I can’t even begin to imagine.”

  She whispered his name, leaning up, her lips brushing his mouth. He’d withheld so much pain from the past. Her fingers gliding upward, framing his face, she opened her lips, feeling his hungry response to her, hearing a groan come from deep within him. For this one moment, Alexa wanted to give back to Gage. Yes, she’d had part of her soul destroyed by the captivity and torture. She knew she’d never get it back. But Gage? He had been a thirteen-year-old boy who had been snared in a circumstance no one could have foreseen.

  Her heart opened wide, wanting to surround Gage with angel wings, wanting to give back to him all the love, care, and tenderness he’d always effortlessly given her. This was the man she loved. And that had never been clearer than it was right now.

  She felt him give to her again as he embraced her, despite his pain. She lay fully against him, their breath now shallow, quickening as their mouths eagerly sought one another. He tasted of coffee, of lemon cream cake, his scent driving her crazy with need for Gage in every possible way. Sliding her hands through his short hair, nestling her hips against his, she felt the strength of his erection, and a low moan of desire vibrated in her throat.

  Gage tensed, his mouth opening hers, his tongue coaxing her own. Her nerves heated, desire becoming an ache between her thighs, sending the signal through her that only Gage could relieve. Alexa knew he would be the consummate lover, more concerned for her pleasure than his own. Gage had always put her first, and he would when she finally surrendered herself over to him. How often had she dreamed of just this moment!

  Lips tingling, she pulled away, caught in his narrow, dark gaze as he studied her. “I want to love you,” she whispered unsteadily.

  “Are you sure?” he rasped.

  Alexa understood the nature of his question as he searched her gaze, worry beneath his yearning response. She stepped back a few inches, moving her hands down his arms, feeling the tightness of his muscles. “I’m sure I want you, Gage. I know I’ve got issues because of what they did to me in that cave. But you’re aware of them now.”

  “I am,” he said, catching her hands, holding them. “I want to take you to bed with me, Alexa. I want to love you, but I worry about that. You need to be in control. You need to tell me whatever it is that might make you uncomfortable.”

  “I will, Gage. More than anything, I trust you. I trusted you throughout the kidnapping ordeal, remember? You could hold me, kiss me, and I never felt panic or anxiety. I always felt just the opposite—I drank in all your love, your care, and your protection.” She gave a small shrug. “I’ve talked to Becka about this. I haven’t had sex in a year and a half. My job as a pilot, the demands and stresses on us and our time, never gave me an opening to have a relationship—until I met you. And then I found myself trying to figure out a way to get you alone and get you in my bed.” She grinned a little sheepishly.

  He smiled, moving wisps of hair away from her ear. “I was plotting and planning the same thing, believe me.”

  “We’re always on the same wavelength, aren’t we?”

  He became serious, cupping her shoulders, keeping his gaze on her warm smile. “We always have been, whether we talked about what we were going through or not. I wanted to give us the time we needed, Alexa. I wasn’t expecting you to be kidnapped and injured. Now, I’m concerned about how you’ll react to my loving you. And I’ll confess, I even visited Major Donahue, the flight surgeon, and talked to her about you. I told her I was falling in love with you, and that when I got out I was going to hunt you down and see if we could make a life together. I told her that if we could, I was worried about how you would react to having sex with me.”

  “And what did she say?”

  “Well, she pointed out that rape survivors all react differently to a man loving them. On the plus side, though, she said that because you never saw me as the man who hurt you, it meant you still trusted me, and it was a very positive sign that you wanted me to hold you and kiss you. She said if I touched you wherever you had been hurt—it might cause a reaction, like a flashback. But most important, she told me to talk to you and get everything out front. She said you might not know your own reaction until I actually touched you in a certain area. If you flinched, froze, or tensed, I needed to stop and do as you needed at that point.”

  “Becka told me the same thing. She explained that my body is a minefield right now, and neither of us would know what it would or wouldn’t react to. She said the mind remembers everything, for better or worse. My body has physical memories of what happened to me, and they’re beneath the surface. I won’t know until you do touch me, Gage.” She gave him an apologetic look.

  “The major said that if we were both willing to love one another, it was a positive step, because some women, after being raped, don’t ever want a man to touch them again—even men they know.”

  “I love your touch,” Alexa whispered. “So please, Gage, never stop connecting with me. When I was spiraling down into that hell, you were there, you coaxed me with your voice, your hands . . . your kisses . . . it all helped pull me back from that abyss. It allowed me to breathe, to catch my breath, to accept that my emotions were wild and raw. Your being there supported and strengthened me. There’s never been a time when I didn’t want your kisses, your care.” She smiled up into his eyes, seeing relief enter them. “You can’t hurt me,” she said. “I know that, despite all that’s happened to me. And I want you. Does that help?”

  He released a shaky breath. “Yeah, it helps. It’s not a guarantee, but we’ve talked honestly, and I have a much better feel for how you are now, Alexa. All I can say is, I will always put you first, whether it’s in or out of bed.”

  She looked at him tenderly. “I know that, and I love you for it. Please, Gage, it will all be okay. I just know it will be.”

  “I think,” he admitted wryly, “you have more trust in me than I have in myself.”

  “Then,” she said, giving him a sweet look of yearning, “let’s walk back to the cabin and find out.” She curled her fingers into his. “More than anything, Gage, I’ve been waiting to love you from the moment I met you. Nothing’s changed. It never will . . .”

  *

  “Are you protected?” Gage asked her as she sat on the edge of the mattress of the king-size bed. He pulled off his boots,
setting them aside.

  “Yes.” She smiled as she moved her shoes beneath the bed. “And I’m healthy.”

  Gage said, “So am I.” What was left of the sunset, a pinkish hue, filled her bedroom. The window was open to allow in the sweet, pine-scented air. The room was rustic, with an old oak dresser, a braided rug of red, yellow, and blue beneath the large bed. There were hurricane lamps with small light bulbs in them. A large porcelain bowl with a white pitcher placed in it sat on top of the dresser. He liked the colorful quilt across the bed, matching the colors of the rug beneath it.

  Gage watched the play of light across Alexa’s soft features, her braids giving her the look of a schoolgirl. “Let me undo your braids? Your hair has always called to me.”

  Alexa moved to the center of the bed and knelt there beside him. “Come here,” she whispered, “and please unbraid my hair.”

  Gage felt every muscle in his body screaming for her. He’d never wanted a woman like he wanted Alexa. It was that trust in her eyes that sent a powerful wave of love washing through him as he moved to her, their knees touching one another. “I’ve never unbraided a woman’s hair before,” he said almost shyly, untying the red yarn holding the first one. He watched as his touch made her eyes half close. Alexa rested against her heels, her hands on her curved thighs. “You’re so damned sexy,” he muttered, quickly and easily pulling the strands apart. “You’re as sensual as a cat. Did you know that?”

  Alexa made a soft sound in her throat as he eased the strands apart. “I’ll be your cat, then,” she whispered.

  He opened the second braid, the strands falling into his fingers. The pleasure he felt as he slid them slowly through that thick, shining red mass made his erection tighten against his jeans.

  Alexa tipped her head back as he slid his fingers across her scalp, moving those sleek strands, watching the setting sun catch the crimson, gold, and sable colors running through them.