Resolution (Saviour)

by Lesley Jones

  CHAPTER 18

  “Lauren, baby, wake up.”

  I stretch and smile as I feel Gabe kissing my shoulder and running his palm over my hip, I’m lying half on my side, sort of in the recovery position and I love the way he strokes over the dip of my waist, it makes me feel feminine – womanly, but then his hand moves forward and I panic that he’s going to feel my belly. my waist is great when I lay on my side, my belly, not so and I certainly don’t want him grabbing a handful; I roll over onto my back and am met with his beautiful blue eyes looking down at me, he looks…worried??

  “What’s wrong, where’s Ava, what’s wrong?”

  “Ava’s fine; did I hurt you last night?”

  “What? When?”

  I sit up in total confusion and look at him, his hair is wet and he smells delicious, he must have showered already.

  He strokes my face and kisses my forehead, “What’s wrong, what are you talking about?”

  I try to sit up straighter so I’m level with him but it’s hard to do with just one good arm and I have to wriggle my bum back into the headboard. I have a bit of a headache and I most definitely have a belly ache.

  “Last night, was I rough, did I hurt you?”

  I hesitate for a second too long, he was rough and it did hurt a bit, but I still liked it, he needed me.

  “For fucks sake Lauren, why didn’t you say something, why didn’t you just say something?”

  He grips his own hair and then runs his hands through it, “I made you bleed, there’s blood on the sheets and there was blood on me, fuck Lauren, I fucking made you bleed.”

  He pulls me to him and wraps his arms around my shoulders. Okay, now I’m awake.

  “Gabe, it’s okay, it was fine, I am a bit sore. It was nice, I…You needed me, I wanted to be there for you, it’s…I’m fine.”

  “Fucking you so hard that you bleed is not fine, it’s never fine Lauren.”

  He’s just over reacting because he feels emotional, “I’ve been bleeding quite a lot after we have sex…lately.”

  I trail off, I was telling him to make him feel better, so that he wouldn’t feel so bad but now shit, now the look on his face is even worse. He stands up. He sits down.

  “What the fuck do you mean; you bleed a lot after we have sex? What the fuck Lauren, that’s not right, that’s not normal.”

  “I don’t mean I bleed a lot, not like there’s a lot of blood, I mean, there are lots of times we have sex and I bleed, just a little bit, it’s not like real blood, it’s just sort of a bit pink, except when I was in the hospital, then it was a bit darker but only for about half a day, then I was fine.”

  “Do I hurt you every time we…Does it hurt when we make love?”

  Jesus, over reaction or what?

  “No Gabe, never, it never hurts, you never hurt me; last night was a bit rougher than usual but you never hurt me, it’s just…we have a lot of sex and I get a bit sore sometimes, but you never hurt me.”

  I smile at him, he looks at me and gives a shrug of his right shoulder and a tilt of his head and the tiniest of smiles and my heart melts and I want him, god I want him, “We do have a lot of sex don’t we? I am sorry, but you…I can’t help it. I’m hard Lauren, all the time, even when we’ve just finished, it’s like it doesn’t go down properly. I wasn’t this bad when I was thirteen and when I’m not with you it’s worse and it doesn’t matter where I am, at work, in the car, I, I just want you all the time and I am sorry if it’s too much.”

  “Gabe…Seriously? If you stop fucking me because of this, I swear, I’ll go and buy the biggest vibrator I can find and I will ruin myself with it. I like all the sex we have, I love that you want me all the time, I’m the same, I want you all the time, even right now, even though I am probably going to walk like John Wayne for a week after last night, despite that, I want you, I love you, inside me, all the time, so don’t you dare stop coming across.”

  He’s pulled me by my feet down the bed, so that I am flat on my back again, he has crawled between my legs and he has his chin resting between my boobs, looking up at me, “You are such a slut Lauren Day.”

  “I am indeed Gabriel Wilde, but only for you.”

  He smiles and bites each of my nipples, just hard enough to make me shudder and I wiggle my hips against him.

  He laughs and shakes his head at me, “Slut.”

  “What can I say?”

  “I will run you a bath and really Lauren, I think you should go to the doctors and just get checked out.”

  “I will, I know, I have made a couple of appointments but shit has happened and I’ve missed them.”

  I stroke his hair back off his face and smile into those eyes of his; he looks so much better today, but I can still see the pain. Gabe has laughing eyes and theses eyes that he’s looking at me with right now, they let me know he loves me but they are not laughing or even smiling, and that’s fine, I get it, we only buried his Dad yesterday, I just hate to see him suffer, I hate that he is sad and grieving and that there’s nothing I can do. I know first-hand that grieving is a process and things are likely to get worse before they get better and all I can do is be here for him.

  “How are you doing?”

  “Don’t change the subject. Call the docs, make an appointment, this week, straight away, as soon as you can get it, where’s your phone? I’ll call them now.”

  He gets up off the bed and stands, “Gabe, I’m not the one changing the subject. Get my phone, I will happily call the docs, but I asked you a question and I would like an answer.”

  He does the Gabriel head tilt, which is what he does when he’s thinking; he shrugs.

  “I buried my Dad yesterday Lauren. I could have been burying you and Ava along with him.”

  He’s shaking his head as he speaks and I can see his bottom lip quiver slightly as he carries on, “It could have been worse, it could have been so much worse but I’m still angry, I’m still so fucking angry that this happened, that you got hurt, that Ava got hurt, that he died and that I was there and watched it happen and couldn’t do anything to stop it, my job is to protect you and my daughter and I didn’t do it, I couldn’t do it and I’m so fucking angry that it scares me.”

  I reach forward and hold his hand, “Baby, it’s normal, you’re bound to feel angry, but there is nothing you could have done, it was an accident, you can’t blame yourself for an accident that no one could have prevented, what are the chances of something like that happening? Charlie’s heart attack maybe, but who would have guessed it would happen while he was on the back of a Jet Ski, it was a terrible accident but nobody is to blame and there is absolutely nothing about it that was your fault it’s just one of those shit things that happens in life. Just talk to me though Gabe, please don’t bottle things up, I’m here, just talk, any time.”

  I nod my head as I speak and eventually he nods back, but I’m not sure if he has any idea what he’s nodding at, or if he’s heard what I’m telling him. I stand and pull on the white shirt Gabe wore yesterday; I turn to head for the bathroom, then remember what he said about the sheets, I pull the doona back, just as he walks in with my phone, shit, it’s still only a light pink colour, but there is more than there has been of late and I do have a belly ache this morning, instinctively my hand goes to my stomach.

  “What? Is it a lot? I did hurt you didn’t I? Lauren, call the doctors now, get an appointment, this isn’t right, this shouldn’t happen.”

  I don’t know what happens, having such an emotional day yesterday, the accident, worrying about Ava. Knowing that he’s right I should have gone to the doctors at the beginning of October or whenever it was that this started but I put it off, I made excuses and I put it off and I have a horrible feeling that something’s not right, and I burst into tears.

  “Baby no, no, don’t cry, sorry, I’m sorry, there’s nothing to worry about, I just want you to get checked out, that’s all.”

  I know that I’m pulling my ugly cry face as I try and talk thro
ugh my tears but shit, I’m scared and I need to get this off my chest, I shake my head at him.

  “No, this isn’t right, it’s been happening for a couple of months now and I’ve had really bad stomach cramps as well, and I just don’t feel right, I’ve had this pain and I.”

  He’s unlocked my phone with one hand, the other is in the front of his hair, I sniff and wipe my nose on the sleeve of his shirt as he comes around the bed and takes my hand, leading me to the bathroom; he sits me down on the edge of the bath.

  “Hi Amanda, could I please make an appointment?”

  He looks across at me. “Who do you usually see?”

  “Rachel.”

  “Yeah, it’s actually not for me; it’s for my partner – Lauren Day.”

  I shake my head at him as I mouth “East” to him, I haven’t been to my GP in months, I’m still registered under East. I hate the look that flicks across his eyes as he realises what I’m getting at.

  “Sorry, my mistake, you would still have her registered under Lauren East and she usually sees Rachel. Yeah that’s correct, um, anytime, as soon as possible, tomorrow at 11.30? That’s perfect, yeah, okay, no worries, thank you Amanda, we’ll see you then.”

  All the while he has been talking, he’s put in the plug and turned on the taps and poured in my favourite citrus body wash, “Don’t you ever do something like this again Lauren. You don’t feel well. You say something, you understand me?”

  “I’m not a child Gabe, I know what I did was stupid, I know I shouldn’t have put it off and I know it’s probably nothing, blah, blah, blah.”

  I step into the bath.

  “I don’t need reminding, I’m wrong, I get it, stop going on at me would ya?”

  “I go on, because I care Lauren…I…You have no idea, I just found you and twice now, twice in just two months. I, I’ve thought that I might be losing you.”

  He’s taken off his clothes and has climbed in behind me whilst he’s been talking and I scoot forward to make room for him; he slides his legs down the outside of my hips and thighs and pulls me back against my chest, I raise my broken arm to keep the plaster from getting wet; he wraps both his arms across my chest and kisses my temple.

  “Do you know how much I fucking love you Lauren Day?”

  “Yes.”

  “Then try to indulge me, within hours of meeting you someone tried to break you, I feel like, something, or someone somewhere, always wants to take you away from me, I know that sounds fucked up and paranoid but…”

  “Yeah her names Alyssa, lanky, blonde whorebag and she wants to take you from me, not me from you.”

  “Yeah. So not funny Lauren, I mean it, I know I’m paranoid and irrational but I just want you safe, okay?”

  “Yes, okay, I’ve already said I get it. What time is it? Where’s Ava, didn’t you already shower?”

  Shit, I don’t even know what the time is and she usually comes in for a cuddle in the mornings.

  “No, I haven’t showered, I surfed earlier, while you were still sleeping. It’s about 9.30 and Ava was still sound asleep when I last checked. I have to drop her back at 2, what would you like to do this arvo?”

  Our conversation has slipped back into ‘normal’ territory, me not feeling bad, him not moaning at me, for now. We have kept ourselves hidden away since I agreed to marry him; we swore Ava to secrecy as we felt it would be disrespectful to celebrate before Charlie had been buried and we have told no one; Ava has been beside herself, desperate for us to buy a ring and let the world know. I have a thought and turn around in a most unladylike manoeuvre…but the best I can manage with my bloody arm in a cast and face him.

  “Well…We could make your daughters day by taking her with us while we go and look at engagement rings.”

  Shit…What did I say wrong now? He looks like he’s going to burst into tears.

  “Or we…”

  “You would do that?”

  “Do what?”

  “Let Ava come with us, while we pick a ring?”

  “Of course, why wouldn’t I…?”

  “You don’t want it to be just you and me?”

  Is this a trick question? Am I going to be wrong, whatever I say?

  “Well, yeah, that would be equally nice, but, I just thought she’s had a shit time and I just thought it would be nice for her to be included, her Mums just had a new baby and what with the accident and losing her Pops, I just thought.”

  I don’t get to finish what I’m saying, he covers my mouth with his and kisses the life out of me. I have to pull away to breathe.

  “Fuck. Wow, Gabe, what?”

  He kisses me again, not quite as passionately.

  “I love you and that answer you just gave, is one of the many reasons why, thank you, thank you for loving my daughter, you do to her, what you do to me, you make both of us feel loved and wanted and cherished, nobody has made me feel like that since my Mum, I…”

  His eyes fill with tears, as do mine, I can’t imagine growing up without that, my Mum might be a hard faced old cow now but her and my Dad never stopped telling me and my brothers and sister how loved and cherished we were and it’s something I had wanted my kids to feel, even now as old as they are and despite my differences with their Dad, I have explained so many times over the past weeks, that we both still love them and that will never change.

  “Thanks Lauren, that’s all, thank you.”

  The three of us are up, out and in the car less than an hour later.

  “Where are we going? Chady?” Ava asks.

  Gabe shakes his head, I shrug. I heard him on the phone earlier and I know he has something planned but I have no idea what. Chady or Chadstone is the biggest shopping mall near us but I don’t think that’s where we are headed.

  “What sort of ring do you want Lauren, a massive diamond like Jackie’s?”

  I see Gabe look across at me, I feel so awkward, we haven’t discussed any of this, not even a budget, Jason just went out and bought my first engagement ring, I had no say in it, but I was three months pregnant and about to get married.

  “I don’t actually know Ava, I’m sure I will know it when I see it and I would prefer if your Dad loved it too.”

  I look back across at him and smile and he reaches for my hand as he drives.

  “Where are we going?”

  “The city.”

  “Anywhere in particular?”

  “A shop, where hopefully we can find something that will show you how much I love you and that we will both love.”

  He kisses my fingers and knuckles and the back of my hand and I squirm and squeeze it my seat.

  “You didn’t buy my Mum an engagement ring did you Dad? That was just a marriage of convenience so that she wouldn’t run off and take me away from you, so you didn’t bother with all that did ya?”

  I nearly die. This child seriously has no filter; I look across at Gabe and he is laughing to himself.

  “No bub, I didn’t buy your Mum an engagement ring, does that bother you?”

  “Well, yeah it does a bit.”

  My stomach flips over; perhaps bringing her with us wasn’t such a good idea after all.

  “I mean, when she dies, I’m not going to have a big fat diamond to inherit am I?”

  “Well, you know what Ava? I don’t have any little girls, so how about I leave you my engagement ring? I can’t promise it will be a big fat diamond, I have no idea what type of ring I am after but I promise, when I die, it’s all yours.”

  There’s total silence in the car as I look across to Gabe for reassurance that I haven’t said anything wrong, he has one hand on the wheel, the other is rubbing the stubble on his jaw and I instantly cross my legs, imagining my hand, my tongue, running over that stubble from nowhere Ava’s arms are around my neck and she kisses my cheek.

  “Sit down Ava, get your seatbelt done back up, Jesus, if anything else happens to you while you’re with me, your mother will have my balls.”

  “Dad, just shush
for a minute would ya, Lauren, are you serious? You don’t have to do that; I know you don’t have girls but what about…”

  “Ava, if I didn’t mean it, I wouldn’t have said it, I am more than happy to leave my engagement ring to you.”

  “Thank you Lauren, I love you and I’m so glad my Dad chose you to be the person he could finally love.”

  Now it’s my turn to get all choked up but as I look across at Gabe, he’s wiping tears from his eyes as well; he shakes his head at me and laughs through his tears.

  “Women, please will you stop with all this mushy shit? I will crash the car if you keep making me cry and then no one will be getting an engagement ring.”

  We head the rest of the way into the city in virtual silence; Gabe finds us a park on Collins Street and puts some money in the meter.

  Then he turns to me and leans into my ear, I instantly have goose bumps from head to toe and can’t help but shudder when I feel his breath on me as he speaks. “Every day, every day Lauren, you do or say something that blows me away, you make my heart feel like it’s gonna burst out of my chest, every time I think I love you more than it’s possible to love someone, something happens to make me love you even more.”

  He runs his fingertips down the side of my face and over my lips; once again, I shudder.

  “I love you Lauren Day and I can’t wait for the day you become Mrs Wilde, now let’s go and find you the ring of yours and my daughters’ dreams.”

  I smile up at him and I’m sure that I see not only that hot as holy hell smile on his lips, but just the hint of a smile finally back in his eyes too.

  “Please you two, can you stop eye sexing each other in a public place, can we just go and buy my inheritance?”

  Not wanting to spoil the moment, I stay quiet about the fact that I am not intending to change my name again, I like being Lauren Day, it’s taken me a long time to find her again and I really don’t want to give her up, but hey, life with Jason has taught me to pick my battles, so I will save this one for another day and I smile sweetly as we are buzzed into the Jewellers shop. They seem to be expecting us and we are treated like royalty, with a glass of champagne for Gabe and myself and a soft drink offered to Ava, which madam insists is served to her in a champagne flute; I must admit, I love Ava’s style and attitude but I am terrified of what the next few years will bring, I know she’s not my daughter but I am still going to play a part in raising her and I can see there are going to be some battles ahead. Poor Gabe, he has no idea what he is in for. Give me sons any day!