Resolution (Saviour)

by Lesley Jones

  “What are you smiling at?”

  Shit, I thought I had stopped smiling, which really is a totally stupid thing to think, because, let’s face it, when this fine specimen in standing in front of you, with a hard on, why the fuck wouldn’t you smile?

  “I’m smiling at your hot, sexy self; you gonna come and join me?”

  “I would love to, but are we going to achieve much, in the bath, together, while we try and keep your arm dry?”

  “Fuck my arm; I want you inside me, now.”

  “It’s not your arm I want to be fucking Lauren.”

  He pushes his left hand into the pocket of his jeans, making them slide lower on his hips, he rakes his right hand through his hair, making his t shirt ride up and for a moment I cannot take my eyes away from his belly that’s been left exposed, his happy trail, leading down from his belly button and disappearing inside his jeans, just as it starts to thicken and get slightly bushier and that V, oh my, that V, that I can just see the top of before it too disappears inside those bloody jeans. Off with the jeans, that’s what I say. I look back up to his eyes and instead of arousal, I think I see worry in them.

  “What’s wrong?”

  He gives a little smile, that doesn’t reach his eyes and walks over to the bath, he dips his fingers in. Then his hand is at his jaw and I know something is up. “The waters getting cold.”

  He moves my leg out of the way and a spark shoots through me because of his touch, he leans across and turns the hot tap on, all without looking at me. My totally relaxed demeanour from my long soak and seemingly permanent state of arousal has now been replaced by a general sense of unease; I grab his hand and look at him as he looks down at where we’re joined, rather than looking me in the eye.

  “Gabe, what’s wrong?”

  I pull his hand towards my face to try and get him to look up at me; I watch his Adams apple move as he swallows and notice a nerve tick, twice in his jaw, just as he lifts his eyes up to meet mine. My heart is thumping so hard in my chest, I can feel the pressure in my ears; he rakes his hair with his free hand one more time.

  “Ryder just called.”

  “Right, is there something wrong, why did he call?”

  “It’s um, the house, your house, it’s been sold, Jason has sold your house.”

  “What…it’s sold? Okay, well I knew it was coming, it’s been up for sale for a while now.”

  “You’re not upset?”

  I shrug my shoulders, am I upset?

  “I’m sad more than anything, the boys grew up in that house, it’s been their home since they were six and seven years old but it holds mixed memories for me; is that what you were worried about, that I would be upset.”

  Now it’s his turn to shrug, “Yeah, I just thought you would take it harder than this.”

  He leans over and turns the tap back off, leaving his hand resting on my knee, that’s bent and sticking out of the bubbles. I’m actually touched by his concern but feel the need to make it clear to him, that what’s past is past and for me, there is no going back.

  “It’s my past Gabe, I’ve moved on, you’re my present and my future, I would like to think one day we could maybe build or buy a home together, something that’s ours. My old home being sold is just more closure on my old life. Now, would you please get your kit off and your sexy arse in this bath and come and wash my back.”

  He has his clothes off and slides in behind me in a matter of seconds and we spend the next hour, lying with my back against his chest, discussing what our dream homes would consist off. We eventually make it out to dinner and as per usual when Gabe lets me chose where to eat, we end up at our favourite Indian restaurant, rounding a pretty perfect day off, with a pretty perfect dinner, during which, I spend lots of time staring down at my new ring, my insides putting on a gymnastics floorshow every time I do.

  At 11:30am the following morning, I am sitting next to Gabe in my doctor’s waiting room and it feels – strange? This is part of my world, mine and my families and it just feels strange having Gabe here with me. My GP, Rachel, is great, she's a woman a bit older than me and has been my doc for about eighteen years, she has looked after myself and my children since I moved back to the peninsula from the city, around twenty years ago and I suddenly feel nervous about having Gabe here with me and explaining to her what has been going on in my life of late. Perhaps she already knows, I sit and think; her husband is Jason’s doctor after all, perhaps Jay has been to see him and has told him that we have separated, although I doubt it, seeing as Jay doesn’t yet seem to have accepted that our marriage is over, shit; I wonder how he’s going to react when he finds out that Gabe and I are engaged, I instinctively look down at my ring, perhaps I shouldn’t wear it yet, not until we make it official. I jump suddenly when Gabe leans across and holds down my knee, I look up at him.

  “Will you chill Lauren, you’re giving me a headache, keep bouncing your knee up and down like that, relax, you’ll be fine.”

  I look down at where his hand cups my knee cap and despite the pressure he’s putting on it and without even realising it, my foot goes onto tip toes and I start bouncing it again, Gabe holds it still, again.

  “Sorry, I didn’t even realise I was doing it” I shake my head as I speak; the knee bouncing is a nervous trait of mine, it’s something I do on a plane during take-off and landing or if I am having a stressful conversation on the phone, I’m actually surprised there hasn’t been more knee bouncing these past couple of months, perhaps there has and Gabe just hasn’t noticed it.

  “Why are you nervous is there something you’re not telling me, is the bleeding worse than you have let on?”

  “What? No, I wasn’t even thinking about that.”

  “Then what’s wrong baby, tell me?”

  “Are you going to come in with me?”

  “Do you want me to?”

  Now he’s got me thinking, what if there is something seriously wrong, will she know that straight away today, or will she have to send me away for tests? I know I should have seen the doctor sooner, I know I shouldn’t have left it this long, especially as I feel so…off, but if there was anything seriously wrong, wouldn’t they have found it while I was in the hospital,? I had blood tests done, wouldn’t something have shown up in them? Do I want him in there with me when I explain that I have split with Jason and am now with Gabe and have been having so much sex that I might actually have done myself some damage? Is that actually even possible? Bloody hell, I need to calm down and stop over thinking but I can’t, can’t, can’t, can’t. What. Is. Wrong. With. Me?

  He leans across, puts his hand around the back of my head, pulls me to him and kisses my forehead. “Calm down Lauren, we’ll do this like we have done everything else so far, together, okay?

  I nod, feeling instantly calmer as I take a deep breath and then physically jump as I hear Dr Rachel call my name from the doorway and I stand far too quickly, leaning into Gabe as the room spins slightly, he puts his arm around my shoulder and pulls me into him as we follow the doctor to her room; my head is pounding with every step I take and my heart is thumping against my chest, I take deep breaths in through my nose; I have absolutely no idea why I am feeling so nervous.

  We follow her in and she gestures to a couple of chairs as she goes and sits around the other side of her desk. Gabe guides me down into the chair, making sure I’ve sat right down before sitting himself down, he sits back and rests his right ankle on his left knee, he stretches his left arm across the back of my chair and his fingertips brush the back of my neck, underneath my hair, I feel instantly calmer as he nods towards me, I think asking me if I’m okay, I nod back. Look at him, Mr cool sitting there, cool? Does anyone even say that word anymore? My knee starts to bounce and Gabe gestures with his head at my bouncing knee. Dr Rachel is reading through my notes.

  “So Lauren, not seen you in a while, what can I do for you?”

  I feel my cheeks burn as I turn my head from Gabe to my knee, to her, my m
outh feels dry and I wet my lips.

  “Rachel, this is Gabriel Wilde. My, my fiancé. Erm, Jason and I split up, obviously; else I wouldn’t be here with Gabe.” What am I saying, Oh my god, how embarrassing, she’s my doctor, not a bloody marriage counsellor.

  “What happened to your arm Lauren?”

  “Aw, erm a Jet Ski accident, look, sorry Rachel, I’ll start again. I’ve been getting really bad stomach cramps lately and I’ve been spotting after sex and last week I had sort of a little mini period, just for about a day, while I was in the hospital.”

  “Why were you in the hospital?

  I proceed to tell her about the accident and my stay in the hospital.

  “But the spotting had started before this?”

  “Yeah, the spotting started about eight weeks ago, the cramps the same, I haven’t really had a period for years, not since I had the coil fitted, even when it was changed over, I didn’t have a period.”

  She looks through my notes again.

  “You had a new coil fitted in February and everything was fine after that you say and then eight weeks ago, you started spotting?”

  “We started sleeping together, having sex, about nine weeks ago.”

  I’m not sure if Gabe is talking to me or the doctor.

  “Ahhh right; that might explain things, new relationship, lots of sex I’m assuming.”

  She actually winks at me as she says it, I blush and shrug and Gabe and I both say at exactly the same time.

  “Yeah…lots of sex.”

  The three of us laugh.

  “Right, what I would like to do is take a look and just check that your coil is all in place, I will do a PAP Smear, I know you’ve already had one this year but I would rather be safe than sorry and I would also like to get some bloods done, just to have a check on your hormone levels. Now I need your underwear off and for you to jump up on the table. She looks from me to Gabe as she says this.

  He looks at me, asking. “Do you want me to wait outside?”

  I frown and shake my head, “Hell no…You get the job of staying here and holding my hand.”

  I actually don’t feel in the least embarrassed now, I take off my knickers and Gabe helps me up onto the bed. I assume the ankles together, knees apart position as Rachel lubes up a speculum, I look away at this point and lose myself in Gabe’s eyes instead, oh shit, what if I look at him and get horny and she’s down there, poking about, will she know? I take a few deep breaths. I have no choice but to look back at him as I feel the cold device slide in and in.

  “Oww, shit!”

  Rachel stops what she’s doing and looks up at me from between my legs.

  “Does that hurt? That shouldn’t hurt.”

  I watch Gabe swallow and frown. She moves the speculum back out of me slightly.

  “Lauren, I need you to take a deep breathe then let it out slowly while I put this in and take a look, I will be as gentle as I can. Okay, deep breathe in.”

  I feel the speculum slide in again and start letting out my breath slowly as the pain starts. I can’t see what she’s doing but it seems to take forever.

  “What do you fancy for dinner tonight?”

  I laugh, I know Gabe’s only trying to take my mind off what’s going on between my legs but surely he could have come up with something better than that.

  “Really babe?” Is all I can manage, before Rachel stands up straight.

  “Your coil has become displaced Lauren, that’s what the pain is, and it’s probably what has caused the bleeding too.”

  Gabe lets out a huge sigh as he says, “Thank fuck…I mean God, God, I mean thank God, shit.”

  He doesn’t know where to put his face and looks mortified, he shrugs his shoulders. “Sorry”

  I laugh at him again and just shake my head.

  “Well it’s good, in that it probably rules out anything sinister, but before I attempt to remove it, I need to ask, have you been having unprotected sex these past eight week?”

  Oh shit.

  “Yes” I reply.

  “Well in that case, before I do anything else, I need you to take a pregnancy test.”

  She pulls the speculum out and stands up straight again. Gabe helps me to sit up and I swing my legs around and dangle them over the side of the bed. No way. Way. No fucking way!

  “Do I really need to do this? I was in the hospital just last week, surely they would have picked up on a pregnancy in my blood tests?”

  “No, not unless they tested you specifically for that reason. Did they?”

  I shake my head.

  “Then I need you to go and wee in this for me Lauren, just so we can rule out any chance of you being pregnant”

  “But I can’t be pregnant I mean, I haven’t had a proper period in months, over a year, a couple of years and I’m too old, and I…”

  She reaches out and puts her hand on my shoulder.

  “It’s highly unlikely that you are pregnant Lauren but I need to rule it out before we decide what to do with this coil.”

  She passes me a small pot as she talks, I look at Gabe, I have no idea what he’s thinking, his eyes are as wide as saucers. I want to cry but first I want to vomit but I need to breathe before I can do any of that.

  “I can’t be pregnant” I whisper.

  “Just take the test Lauren and stop panicking.”

  Stop panicking he says, yeah, I’ll get right onto that. I take the pot from Rachel and go to walk out of the consulting room door when Gabe says, “Knickers Lauren.”

  I turn around and see him holding up my cacks up by one finger and a lopsided grin on his face, I shrug.

  “What’s the point, they’ve only gotta come off again” And continue making my way down to the toilets.

  I turn the taps on at the sink and spend the next few minutes thinking all things cold and watery and eventually manage to fill the little brown pot almost to the top; I put the lid on tight, wash my hands and hold it up to the light, saying, “You had better be negative.” Before making my way back to Gabe and my doctor who seem to be deep in conversation when I enter the room but stop talking the instant they see me.

  I put the little brown vessel, containing, quite possibly, life changing material, on the desk in front of Rachel, she unscrews the lid and removes it, tearing the two sticks she has waiting in front of her from their sterile packaging, she dips them both in. My heart is hammering so hard I’m surprised nobody else in the room can hear it. I wonder what my blood pressure is right now.

  “This will just take a couple of minutes” She says with a smile glad she can smile, I still want to vomit, instead I look at Gabe, he’s grinning from ear to ear.

  “What?” I ask with a frown.

  “Nothing” He shakes his head, grinning like, I don’t know, something that grins a lot, my brain seriously can’t think straight right now. He takes my hand and raises it to his lips and while still wearing his sexy smile, which I’ve got to say, is now starting to piss me off big time, he kisses the back of my hand, then brushes his lips across my knuckles.

  “I’m glad you’re feeling so chilled and smiley, because I certainly am not.” He grins even more and I think that I might actually want to punch him.

  “Would a baby be such a bad thing?”

  What?

  Yes!

  No!

  I don’t know!

  “Are you for real? I’m forty-five Gabe; can you imagine the complications my age could cause?”

  I shake my head and turn to look at Dr Rachel…NO…NO FUCKING WAY!!!

  “Well, you’re definitely pregnant.”

  I slump back in my chair, like I’ve just been shot, as the room spins around me, this seriously cannot be happening. Gabe’s grip on my hand tightens.

  “Fuck yeah, a baby Lauren, we’re having a fucking baby, that’s just…wow, a baby!”

  He doesn’t get it, he’s just not getting it. I take deep breathes in through my nose and let them slowly out of my mouth, this could ch
ange everything, us, we would be over, I’m pretty sure of that. Oh God, this is so not good and Gabe’s so happy and celebrating, because he just doesn’t get it.

  “Do those things tell you how pregnant I am?” I ask the doctor, she frowns questioningly at me and shakes her head.

  “No, I will need to book you in for an ultrasound to confirm your dates, shall I do that now?” Nodding as she speaks. She knows what I’m getting at; I will leave Gabe in the dark until I get the ultrasound done. Rachel makes a call; I know the hospital is only across the street from my surgery and hope they can fit me in ASAP.

  “Can you go straight over? They can do it now if you can.” I nod, I’ve not even looked at Gabe yet but I know I need to, else he will pick up on how not happy I am about this news.

  I turn towards him, smile painted on. He has his hand over his mouth and he’s looking at me with tears in his eyes, as he says to me very quietly, “A baby Lauren, we’re having a baby.”