Resolution (Saviour)

by Lesley Jones

  There are instant tears on my part and I let out a sob that I can’t keep down any longer. He leans over and wipes my tears away with both his thumbs and just like he did on that first night, he sucks them into his mouth as a single tear slides down his left cheek, the room is in total silence as I lean in and brush it from his face with my right thumb and then suck it into my mouth.

  “I love you Lauren, I really. You have no idea.” He’s shaking his head as he speaks to me. I give out a small nervous laugh, I feel traitorous, deceitful. Going along with this, watching him get so excited at the thought of me being pregnant. For now I will play the game, before life, once again, gets ripped out from under us.

  “Can I have my knickers please; we have to go outside and cross a road and I don’t really want to risk the chance of tripping while I’m knickerless.”

  “For you Princess, anything, are you okay?” I nod and smile, I am so far from okay that mars is probably closer right now but I can’t tell him that.

  “Let’s just go and get this ultrasound done Gabe, then we will talk” I feel sick to my stomach. This has the potential to all go so very, very wrong but I don’t want to spoil the high he is obviously riding. A baby, I’m pregnant, I’m forty five and pregnant with my third child, my other two children are twenty four and twenty two, men, grown men. Whatever these scan results reveal, do I want to be pregnant? Do I want to be fifty years old and running around after a five year old? How the fuck did this happen? Well I know the biology of how it happened, I’m not that stupid. Well I am actually stupid, very stupid, I thought I was too old, I thought my baby making days were over. After everything else that’s been thrown at us during our short relationship now this. I leave Gabe and Rachel saying their goodbyes in her office and head straight back to the bathroom and basically spew my ring up; by the time I have finished, I am sweating and shaking and Gabe is behind me, holding my hair back, as evidently I hadn’t locked the door behind me. I stand on shaky legs as Gabe helps; I wash my hands and rinse my mouth with water.

  “Do you want to change the scan appointment? We can come back next week and get it done”

  “No, I’m fine, let’s do this now.”

  We make an appointment to come back and see Rachel next week, at least that gives me chance to take this news in, and whatever info’ the scan throws up, I’m forty five, there are just so many things to consider, so many factors that could actually decide the outcome of this pregnancy for me… and Gabe appears to be totally oblivious to all of them and for the first time ever since we met, when I look at him, I feel nothing, I am numb.

  CHAPTER 21

  We walk out into the bright sunshine and for some reason I’m amazed that the world is just going on around me, people driving their cars, waiting for a bus, carrying their shopping and I want to shake them all and scream in their faces. “Don’t you get it, don’t you understand? I’m pregnant, I’m forty five and pregnant, do you not understand what an almighty royal fuckup this is?” But I don’t, I just hang on to Gabe’s hand and let him lead me across the road to the hospital.

  I hand my slip of paper to the receptionist and she asks me a few questions, typing the answers into her computer; every time she looks up, she looks at Gabe before she looks at me and I have to control the urge I have to pull her over the desk by her hair and stamp on her head, instead I resort to eyebrow raising and eye rolling as she looks at him, then across to me.

  “Okay, if you would like to take a seat, someone will call you through shortly” She says with her squeaky voice.

  “Are you sure? I could just leave Gabe standing here if you like, so you can eye fuck him some more.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “Lauren!”

  Gabe grabs my elbow and steers me to a seat, squeaky stands with her mouth wide open as Gabe apologises over his shoulder; I yank my arm out of his grip.

  “Don’t apologise for me, I’m not sorry, who the fuck does she think she is, looking at you like that?”

  “Whatever is wrong with you? Chill out, Jesus Lauren.”

  I fold my arms across my chest and it strikes me instantly, how tender my boobs feel; now I notice? All the symptoms I’ve had should have made pregnancy so blatantly obvious and I never even considered it, it never for a moment crossed my mind, how did I not realise? I scowl across at squeaky who is standing with her arms folded, obviously telling her colleague what I just said to her, I smile sweetly, too sweetly, at the pair of them as they stare at me; I’m angry, angry at her, angry at Gabe, angry at the situation I am in but most of all, I’m angry at myself and that fact is just making me angrier!

  My knee is bouncing again and before I even think about it, Gabe puts his hand over it and leans forward so that he can look at me. “Will you please tell me what’s wrong? I know this is a shock Lauren and it’s gonna take some getting used to…but…Aren’t you excited, we’re having a baby, our baby, can you believe it?”

  I can’t talk, I can barely breathe and I’m trying so desperately not cry; how do I say it, how do I tell him that there’s a pretty good chance that it’s not our baby that it’s Jason’s child that I’m carrying, not his? His face is lit up, his blue eyes are sparkling, his grin is beautiful and at any other time would be contagious but all it’s doing right now is making my heart hurt so badly. I shake my head as I try to think of what to say when magically my name is called and I thank the Gods Of BUPA for my private healthcare and very short waiting times. We stand and follow the nurse to another waiting room, she shows me where the changing cubicle is and tells me to remove everything from the waist down and put on a gown but as I’m wearing a dress, I just remove my knickers, again, and go back out side to Gabe, I don’t get chance to sit down as we are called in to a small dark room and I’m told to lay down on the bed. The radiologist explains that I will be having a Trans Vaginal ultrasound. All very standard and a procedure I have had done before; my eyes look across to Gabe who is watching intently as the nurse slides a condom over the wand that is going inside me and for the first time in the last hour or so, I smile as I watch the expression on his face as it dawns on him where that wand is going, his eyes fly up to meet mine, he reaches out for my hand as he asks silently if I’m ok, I nod and give him a small smile back. I take a deep breath, this situation is entirely out of my hands, what will be will be. The machine is switched on and what looks like white noise fills the screen, the nurse asks me questions about my last period and I explain about still having the IUD in place. The room goes quiet as the procedure is started, it’s painless and I start to relax, the nurse types stuff in while the radiologist moves the wand around; I can’t make out anything at all on the screen, there’s light and dark areas and that’s about it, then I catch the radiologist look across to the nurse, the nurse ducks her head slightly and looks at the screen.

  “What’s wrong?” I ask

  “No, no problem, I err, I just need to fetch the consultant.”

  “Why?” Gabe and I both ask together.

  “I just need a second opinion, won’t be long, I’ll just fetch Dr Forde.”

  The nurse follows out the door with her, probably so we can’t ask her any questions. Gabe leans forward and kisses me on my mouth.

  “You okay baby?”

  “I’m laying with my dress up around my waist, my ankles together, my knees apart, I have just had a condom sheathed wand stuck inside my noonie and that is the very least of my problems so no, actually baby, I’m far from fucking okay.”

  The door swings open and the curtain around the bed is pulled back and a very doctorly-looking doctor introduces himself to Gabe and I as Keith Forde, he shakes both our hands, before pulling on a pair of rubber gloves and saying, “Well let’s take a look at what we have going on here then.”

  The wand is slid back inside me and moved around. He stops every now and then and looks closer at the screen. A screen filled with a whole load of nothing as far as I can see. The doctor stops what he’s doing and pulls the w
and out.

  “Alrighty…You can sit up Lauren, Michelle, would you get Gabriel a seat please.”

  Oh shit, this is going to be bad, Gabe is squeezing my hand tightly with both hands and leans in towards me as I sit up and he sits down, his closeness calms me down just a little bit and it strikes me, just how much I need him right now.

  “Well, Lauren, Gabe. You are most definitely pregnant, I would say around seven to eight weeks.” I let out a sob and cover my mouth with my plastered left hand. Seven to eight weeks, that’s perfect, so, so perfect; anything else he has to tell me I can handle.

  “And I am absolutely 100% sure that you are expecting twins, congratulations!”

  Except that, anything accept that there that he just said, those words I cannot accept those. What. The. Fucking. Fuck? Gabe makes a noise a bit like ‘Huuummm’.

  “Are you sure?” I ask.

  “Yep, I can show you both the heart beats, they look very tiny on the screen right now but there are most definitely two there.”

  “What about the dates, are you sure about the dates?”

  “These machines are state of the art Lauren, they may be one or two weeks out, especially with twins, as they tend to be smaller but I’m pretty happy with those dates, we will know more after the next scan but I would say you are looking at a delivery date of around June next year.”

  I’m having twins, but on the upside, they’re Gabe’s twins, did I mention that I’m forty-five and pregnant, with twins no less. The doctor goes through the procedure again and we watch the two tiny little dots on the screen as they thrum with life. Gabe kisses me again as he laughs, I cry.

  “Twins Lauren, we’re having twins are they boys doc? Can you tell yet?”

  The doctor laughs. “No, I can’t tell you yet, not till about twelve weeks but I am pretty sure they are not identical so you may get lucky and have one of each.”

  The nurse, doctor and radiologist give us their congratulations and leave us alone, I put my undies back on and we go back out to the reception area; Gabe settles the balance of the invoice that the insurance doesn’t cover and we walk back out into the sunshine. We are barely out of the building when Gabe wraps me in his arms and kisses me.

  “Twins Lauren, we are having twins.”

  “Yes Gabe, I was there, I heard it too.” I can’t help but smile, he’s ecstatic.

  “Why aren’t you happy?”

  “I don’t know what I am right now Gabe, I’m shocked, there’s still a lot to consider, my age is going to throw up a lot of problems, added to that I still have a coil in place, add to that the complications that can go with having twins, there’s just so much to take in, so much that could go wrong. I’m scared Gabe, I’m terrified.”

  I look up into his face, his smiling, handsome face and allow myself a moment of happiness. “It will all be fine, I just know it. I love you Lauren, so much and to think, I could have lost you and them and Ava, oh my god, Ava is going to be, shit, how do you think Ava will take this?”

  He kisses me deeply without giving me a chance to answer and I can feel the stares of people walking in and out of the hospital and I really don’t care, I’m pregnant, with Gabe’s babies, not one but two, I’m having twins and until we are told different, we will assume they are healthy and enjoy this time. We head off to Harba, our favourite place to lunch and we celebrate and discuss our news and our ten week anniversary, ten weeks that have rocked our worlds.

  It’s late afternoon by the time we pull the car into the drive and despite the in depth conversations we have had over our extended lunch regarding my pregnancy, my head is still swimming, to say I’m overwhelmed is an understatement, I feel on the verge of an anxiety attack all of a sudden and can’t get out of the car quick enough, I need air.

  “Let’s have a walk along the beach.” I suggest to Gabe as he climbs out of his side of the car, he’s looking at me with a frown.

  “I wanted to go in and get naked; I need some skin on skin time with you baby.”

  He comes around to my side of the car, wraps me in his arms and grinds his hips into me. “I need a walk Gabe, my head is spinning, I really need to try and calm myself down.”

  I wrap my arms around his neck as he bends his knees so that we are eye to eye. “What are you worrying about now woman? You are going to make yourself ill, I thought we just spent the last two hours talking about all of this?”

  His eyes wander all over my face, god, I hope our children are as beautiful as he is. Our children, we are going to have two children together, two babies, twins, we are having twins, and did I mention I’m forty-five?

  He cups my face with his big strong hands and gently brushes his thumbs over my cheekbones. “Tell me Lauren, I can hear that overthinking brain of yours whirring from here, tell me what’s worrying you now.”

  “Let’s walk and talk.”

  He wraps his arms around me and kisses the top of my head, then leads me by the hand and across the road to the beach. We spend the next ten minutes in total silence, walking with our shoes off, the icy cold water of Port Phillip Bay washing over our feet and the sounds, the sensations, the view and his presence all help to calm me down. Gabe leads me a few steps back from where the water can reach us and sits us down; he pulls me between his legs and presses my back into his chest.

  “Talk to me Lauren, don’t shut me out like this, total honesty remember, we don’t lie to each other. Do you not want to be pregnant? Tell me the truth.”

  I hate sitting like this, I’m not close enough to him so I turn around and straddle him, the beach is deserted so there’s no one to frown at us and even if there were, well they can go swivel, I’m comfy.

  “If I’m being totally honest Gabe, I wouldn’t have chosen to be pregnant, not at my age, but it is what it is and the fact is that I am pregnant and we are having a baby. Babies and I, shit Gabe, what if something goes wrong because of my age? What if me being old causes them problems, the risk of downs syndrome and spina bifida is so much higher in women my age.” I was so determined not to cry and I think the shock has held the worst of my tears at bay for most of the day but now I just can’t stop them.

  “Gabe, I don’t know what your thoughts are on abortion but I’m telling you now, if there is a chance of problems, if we have the tests done and something shows up, I will have no hesitation in ending this pregnancy and I’m so scared that’s not your view.”

  There has never been any reason for Gabe and I to have a discussion on this topic and I have no idea what his views are. I admire anyone out there who goes ahead with a pregnancy, even after being told there are issues, but that would not be my choice and I am a strong advocate for choice and if Gabe doesn’t agree with my views on this, it could potentially be the end of us and that thought terrifies me! He holds my face again, looking right into my eyes.

  “Whatever decisions need to be made, we make together, we will do all of this together and if that is your choice, then I will back you 100%. I spoke to Rachel earlier, before we knew we were having twins and she said that there is a test they can do after ten weeks for Downs Syndrome, that’s in just two weeks’ time and if any problems show, well then we will go from there but I’ve gotta say Lauren, I just know, I just have a feeling about this and everything is going to be just fine, trust me.”

  I nod my head, He’s not a doctor so he can’t possibly know but I want to believe him so I nod my head anyway, and then another horrible thought hits me.

  “Ohhh God.” I groan.

  “What? What’s wrong?”

  “I am going to get so fat, I’m gonna look like the back of a bus, you are so paying for a tummy tuck after this Wilde and possibly even new tits.”

  “You will not be getting fat, you will be getting more pregnant, you will be growing our babies in that little belly of yours and it will have to get bigger to give them the room they need to grow strong and fit and healthy, you will be perfect Lauren, beautifully pregnant and perfect and I couldn’t be any m
ore stoked. Well, I could but there’s nothing I can do to change things so I can live with that.”

  Ugly old insecure me makes an appearance and I move my head back and look at him with a frown. “What would you change?”

  He shrugs and looks up at me through his wasted on a bloke lashes. “I wish we could be married before the babies come Lauren, I wish that already, right now, this minute, you were already my wife.” He shrugs, “But I can’t do anything to change that so I will just wait and look forward to the day that you will be Mrs Lauren Wilde.”

  “You are such a freaky weirdo Gabe; most blokes would be running for the hills when they found out that their bird of nine weeks is eight weeks up the duff.”

  I actually shake from the vibration of his laugh, he throws his head right back and laughs some more. His eyes are sparkling as he looks back down at me and kisses my nose, my belly flips. God I love him and I love that sound and I love that look; he shakes his head and gives me that smile, the one that reaches his eyes and says.

  “Don’t mince your words, will ya darl. Lauren, my love, my life, you are so much more to me than my bird, as you so eloquently put it and as weird and freaky as you may find it, I am over the fucking moon at your up the duff condition. In all honesty, it was the last thing in the world I was expecting to hear when we walked into your doctor’s surgery this morning; I was shitting myself that something was seriously wrong, we’ve had so much shit happen these past weeks, well the whole fucking time we’ve been together really, we just seem to have rolled from one drama to another and I really was prepared for her telling us more bad news, but her telling us that we’re pregnant, I’m…” He swallows hard and I can feel my tears spilling over as I watch him struggle with his words and his own eyes fill up. “I’m blown away Lauren, I honestly and truly could not be happier, despite everything, all that’s happened, those babies have survived, they’ve been in there, tucked away inside you and they have survived it all, they’re a pair of tough little nuts, just like their Mum and I love them so much already and cannot wait to meet them.”