Resolution (Saviour)

by Lesley Jones

  “If you start ranting at me, I will just hang up. What do you want?”

  “Where are you?”

  “I’m up at the Palmers, I told you I had some work to do up here today.”

  “Please don’t ignore my calls.”

  “Then don’t behave like a prick.”

  “I asked you to keep your phone on you at all times.”

  “I called to tell you I was going for a walk on the beach but you didn’t answer. Where were YOU?” I ask smugly, if he can miss my calls then why can’t I miss his? I cannot believe his complete over reaction to a missed call.

  “I went for a run.”

  “So why didn’t you take your phone? You told me you would have it on you at all times.”

  “I had nowhere to put it.”

  “Tuck it in your bra.”

  “I don’t wear a bra Lauren.” I can hear the smile in his voice but I’m not backing down on this.

  “Well then perhaps you should fucking start. Don’t call me up, giving me shit, when it was YOU missing my call that caused all this.”

  “You could have. Fuck Lauren. I was worried.”

  “Yeah, I get that but that’s no excuse for being so rude and shouting down the phone at me like a raving lunatic, you didn’t pick up the phone to me, I didn’t notify NASA, ASIS, MI5 or any other fucker. Nor did I scream abuse at you down the phone when you did call me. You haven’t said good morning, you haven’t even said sorry.”

  He’s silent for a moment too long, he’s actually not sorry. “Are you going to keep your phone with you the rest of the time I’m away Lauren?”

  “Am I? Fuck! But I might drink, smoke, party down Main Street all night and drive with my eyes closed all the way to Woy Woy. Don’t call me again; I will see you Friday night.”

  I hang up out of shear frustration, I know it’s childish and I know that I will call him later when I’ve calmed down but for now he’s driving me mad with his issues and I refuse to let him get away with talking to me like that. And where the fuck is Woy Woy?

  I have a productive day, the carpets are laid, the plantation shutters fitted and the rest of the windows fitted with roman and stacker blinds. The beds that Karen ordered are delivered at lunch time, I have the bedding in the car that I’ve picked for each room, Gabe’s cleaner washed and ironed it all for me last week for an extra hundred dollars in her wages; I have new doonas and pillows stored in a cupboard and will set to dressing the place when Wendy and Ally get here, they are my dream team, they help me dress any of the places I work on and they do the big clean before I present to my clients. While I wait for them to arrive I check my phone, I’ve turned it back to silent and turned off vibrate because I just knew he would keep ringing me and he has, fourteen times and left countless texts, the first of which tells me that I’m a child and need to grow up. Well telling me that is going to make really me want to call him – not! I can’t help but smile as I scroll through each of his messages, he starts pissed off and gradually gets to begging me to answer because he misses me and wants to hear my voice. There’s only one thing missing from his messages, an apology, and I will not be taking his calls until I get one, despite the fact that I really want to talk to him and find out how his meeting went and if they won the contract.

  I finally make it home just after six, I’m exhausted as I head for a quick shower before my girls arrive; we are just getting Chinese takeout so I don’t need to dress up or prepare anything; Lu can’t make it tonight so it’s just myself, Jo and Jemma, they arrive with food, promptly at seven, great, because I am starving. Instead of sitting up the bench top, I cover the coffee table and put the food containers on there; we dish the food onto our plates and curl up on various parts of the sofa. The girls drink wine, while I have vitamin water, which I seem to have become addicted to lately, best not tell Gabe that though, he will be sure to find something in the ingredients that I shouldn’t be drinking. Although I have already actually googled everything listed on the bottle and we’re all good. What pisses me off more than anything is that he thinks that I’m so irresponsible, like I don’t care about the health of these babies, when nothing could be further from the truth, I’m actually worried sick about them and the fact that if there are any issues, it will be my fault because before finding out I was pregnant, I smoked, I drank, excessively sometimes, I got stoned, more than once, I’ve had a concussion and was out cold for a couple of days, I’ve even had an x-ray. I can feel myself start to hyperventilate as I think about all that could potentially go wrong with this pregnancy. I put my fork down. Jo is talking but all I can hear is air rushing through my ears.

  “Lauren. You okay Loz?”

  I’m aware of Jemma taking my plate out of lap and holding my hand. “Hey Loza, you’re freaking me out, what’s wrong?”

  Noise rushes into my ears and I gasp to get my breath. “What if there’s something wrong and it’s all my fault. With the babies I mean, what if there’s something wrong, he’ll be devastated, would we survive that? So much has gone wrong, shit, everything’s gone wrong so far, I don’t know what… I don’t know if I could go through with it. Am I a bad person, just for thinking that, am I bad?”

  “Calm down Lauren. No, of course you’re not bad. Have you discussed this, you and Gabe I mean, have talked about the possibilities of Downs Syndrome and the like because of your age?”

  I start to calm myself down and get my breathing under control. “We haven’t discussed specifics. We just decided we would have the CVS test done as opposed to the amnio. The CVS can be carried out after the tenth week, amnio not until after the fifteenth; that would make me four months pregnant by the time we got results, I couldn’t terminate then. If I could do it at all.”

  “What’s a CVS? It’s a long time since I had a baby.” Jo asks.

  “Chorionic Villus Sampling. They pass a thin needle through my belly and take a sample of my placenta and test it for any chromosomal defects and the like. I have mine done next Friday.”

  “Shit Loz. Does it hurt?”

  “No idea but we need to know what we are in for. What if there is something catastrophically wrong?”

  “And what if there isn’t? You need to calm the fuck down Lauren, get the test done, get the results back and go from there. Whatever you decide, whatever choices you make, they are between you and Gabe, you do exactly what is right for you two, it’s nobody else’s business. We will be there for you every step of the way. You hear me?”

  I nod, feeling much calmer, I wipe the tears from my cheeks that I hadn’t even realised I had cried. Jo’s phone rings breaking the intensity of the moment, she frowns and looks at me as she answers. “Gabriel Wilde, how are you hot stuff, behaving I hope? Yeah, I’m at your place now.” She screws up her nose as she looks at me again. “Why don’t you just ring her phone, she’s right here? Oh, she’s not talking to you and would that have anything to do with the shit you screamed down the phone at her this morning and the fact that it’s now almost nine at night and you still haven’t apologised for your behaviour. It would, well in that case, no, I won’t pass on a message, she’ll talk to you when she’s ready. See ya Darl.”

  She hangs up. I just know my mouth is hanging wide open, he is going to be so majorly pissed off. I had told the girls about Gabe’s little tirade earlier, I was planning on calling him later, when they had gone anyway, but I’m going to be in for more shit now that he knows I have told the girls. We all look at each other and burst into laughter, that’s why I love my girls, one minute we are having a D and M about life changing decisions, the next we are fifteen again and hanging up the phone on boys. The girls finish off their wine while I make myself a cup of tea.

  “Soooo… I saw Jason today.”

  Now it’s their turn to stare open mouthed.

  “What? Where?” asks Jem.

  “I walked right into him in the car park outside Woolies, he looks terrible”

  “Bet that was weird. Was he okay?”

 
; “Yeah it was really weird. He was okay for the most part, he clocked my engagement ring though and my new car and the rego but something was off, I don’t know, he just looked really rough.”

  “He knows you’re engaged and he was ok, fuck, perhaps he’s finally getting his head around it all.” Jo states.

  “Perhaps he’s finally getting to grips with what he did to you and the guilt is eating him up.” Jemma states.

  “I don’t know, I don’t know if he will ever understand what he put me through. I’m actually going around there tomorrow to collect the last of my stuff before he moves. He won’t be there.”

  “No Lauren, that’s so not a good idea. Does Gabe know?”

  “No, that’s why I want to go tomorrow, I can get all the stuff back here and put away before he gets home, he won’t let me go round there and there’s stuff that I want, art work and pieces that I’ve collected over the years, all my college certificates and that kind of shit, I want to get it now before Jay finds out about the babies. I have a feeling he won’t take that news well and I don’t want him to destroy all my stuff.”

  “You’re not going on your own Lauren, what time are you going round there? Jake and I will come with you.’

  “NO!” I shout, a little too loudly. “Don’t you dare tell Jake, he will be straight on the phone to Gabe, I mean it Jo, do not say a word to Jake.”

  “Okay, okay. I will come on my own, what time?”

  “First thing, I said I would be go around at nine”

  “I have a couple of clients booked in for the morning. Can we make it one-ish?”

  “No, I need to get there early so I can get it all home and put away before Gabe gets back.”

  “Are you sure he’s not gonna be there Loz?” Jemma asks

  “Yes, he told me he would stay out of the way. I will go at nine and make a start and you just meet me there when you can.” I suggest to Jo.

  “I’m working all day, otherwise you know I would be there for you babe, Fridays my busiest day, it’s not like I could even re jig appointments.” Jemma sounds apologetic.

  “No, it’s fine really, I don’t think I have that much there, I have most of my clothes, it’s just personal shit and he told me to take any furniture that I want.”

  We end the night deciding that Jo will meet me at Jason’s as soon as she finishes work; I will go there early and make a start as I don’t want to still be there later in case Jay comes home.

  Once I get into bed I call Gabe but I get no answer, it doesn’t even go to voicemail so he’s obviously switched his phone off and doesn’t want to talk to me. Fine, fuck him, I’ll stick to my guns and won’t talk to him again ‘till I’m looking at him. Arsehole!

  CHAPTER 28

  I have a terrible night’s sleep, I try ringing Gabe again at around six thirty but just get the unavailable message, I take a walk on the beach, come home and shower and try Gabe once again to no avail. I know it’s my own fault that he doesn’t want to talk to me, I know I behaved childishly by ignoring his calls, but the only time I can make a stand is when he’s not there in front of me, he was rude to me on the phone, it was totally unnecessary for him to speak to me the way that he did, if he had been here in front of me, he would have apologised and given me one of his looks or smiles and I would have forgiven him, when he’s not in my direct vicinity and pisses me off, I at least stand a chance of getting my point across.

  He’s never normally rude or ill mannered, all of the boys are polite, if a little direct but you can tell that they have been well brought up. Stella, not so much but then she’s had three big brothers and no Mum to raise her so she hasn’t really turned out so bad. Just a complete lack of volume control or brain to mouth filter, the boys are also guilty of that though.

  I wonder what our children will be like. I wonder what they are. I seriously cannot imagine myself with a little girl, or a big girl for that matter. A daughter, shit; boys I’m fine with, been there, done that, I know where I am but a girl? Dealing with Ava is getting to be a handful and she’s not even mine. I don’t get the final say with her, as much as I care and have an input, she is ultimately Gabe’s daughter. So, if Gabe has a daughter and I am more than happy to share with him, then it would be best all round if our babies are boys, I know that Gabe would love a son, so two sons would be even better right?

  By the time I finish my shower my life is decided, we are having twin boys and Ava shall remain the only girl, I won’t need to deal with a teenage daughter when I’m sixty and everyone will be happy. Sorted!

  I dress for comfort in yoga pants as I know there will be bending involved and already a lot of my clothes are getting to be a little tight around my waist. I leave it until after nine before pulling up on the drive of my former home, I sit in my car for a few minutes wondering how many times I have done this, loaded the kids in for the school run, unloaded shopping in the rain, rushed to the car with Ryder in my arms, bleeding from the head after he fell from his skateboard. Me screaming at Jay to just drive and Sonny crying that he had killed his brother because he had built the ramp so high. The cut did require seven stitches and a night’s stay in the hospital for poor old Ryde but it certainly never killed him. All of these occurrences, all of these every day events that I assumed would always happen, always be, part of ‘that’ life, shared with ‘that’ family, never, ever did I assume that I would one day move on, for a start I never thought I would be brave enough. Well in the beginning I did, we would fight and I would think to myself. Right that’s it, as soon as the boys get a bit older, I will leave him, for years and years I made excuses for not leaving. Until that night, when he left me with no choice. That night, just under three months ago, where one way of life ended for me and a whole brand new one, that I could never have imagined, was to begin.

  I take a deep breath and climb out of my car, I wouldn’t say it’s nerves I’m feeling but I do feel a little uneasy, probably because I know that I’m going behind Gabe’s back and blatantly defying him. Oh well, I want my stuff and if he has his way it will all end up in a skip, which ain’t gonna happen. As soon as I step inside the front door, I know that something’s not right. It’s so hot, the heating must be on full and it smells really musty, unclean. Then I notice the hall table, all of the photos that t are usually displayed on it, are smashed over the floor, I pull out my phone and call Ryder but just get his message bank. “Ryde, I’m at your Dads, is he at work? Can you call me back as soon as you get this, please. Love you.”

  I keep my phone in my hand and leaving the front door wide open, I step inside. We were lucky enough to find a block of land with bay ‘glimpses’ when we bought this. Nothing like the view from Gabe’s place but we can see the water. Just. We had got to enjoy beautiful sunsets across the bay by building the house so that the main living areas were upstairs, with all of the bedrooms and rumpus room downstairs, the rumpus room leads out to the pool and the garden.

  I walk down the hall and check the boys old rooms, Ryder’s is completely empty, Sonny’s is as I had left it, all of his personal stuff is packed into boxes but his bed stands exactly as it always has. I don’t trust Jay to take enough care of Sonny’s stuff so I will take it with me; the boxes are too heavy for me to move on my own so I will have to wait for Jo to arrive. I go into the rumpus room. It’s completely empty, last time I was here there was a huge plasma TV on the wall, sofa’s and a pool table. Perhaps Jay’s already moved them, or sold them if he has no room at his new place. I go to the thermostat on the wall and turn the heating off, it’s beginning to make me feel sick it’s so warm in here. I take a last look around the empty rumpus room and then head back down the hallway towards my old bedroom, I’m not sure if I want to go in there yet. I will go upstairs first and bring down the artwork off the walls that I want and there are a couple of pieces of art deco that I collected over the years, Jason was never a big fan but I went through a phase where I loved the stuff; I step off the last step into the large kitchen/living/dining are
a and stop dead in my tracks. I’m actually not sure what to make of the scene in front of me.

  The place has been completely trashed, the kitchen cupboards and drawers are open, there is very little food in them, packets, spice jars, nothing that you could actually eat, there are dirty plates and cups all over the bench tops and some smashed over the floor, the sofa has been shredded, like somebody has set to work on it with a knife and just slashed and slashed until there is nothing else left, the plasma TV is missing from the wall and my old dining table and chairs have gone, there are holes in the walls, which look to me like somebody has punched them; my heart is hammering so hard, I feel I’m in danger of breaking a rib as it hits against them so hard. Just as I turn to head back down the stairs and leave I notice a couple of zip lock bags on the side, the bigger one appears to have weed inside, I open it up and sniff, yuck, smells like cheese, yep, definitely weed, hydro probably, but the other bag, the smaller one, I’m not sure, I pick it up and examine it. “What the fuck?” I whisper to myself out loud. I know what I think it is, but I cannot for the life of me fathom what it’s doing here? I grab both the bags and shove them into my bag I have hanging across my chest and head back down the stairs, calling Ryder again as I walk, still no answer.

  I stop at the bottom of the stairs for a few seconds trying to decide what I should do when I hear a cough from my old bedroom. I’m not an idiot and this isn’t one of those scary films where the girl, all alone, goes to investigate what the noise is. Na, I’m more your Scooby and Shaggy, I shit myself at the sound and get my arse out of there. I head straight for my car, thinking all the while that I still don’t know how to lock it from the inside, I’ve never read the manual. My brain is racing, my thoughts all over the place when my arm is grabbed and I’m spun back around to face Jay, but it’s not Jay, not my Jay at least, I let out a pathetic scream and try to pull my arm away. “You’re here Lauren, I knew you would come.”