Resolution (Saviour)

by Lesley Jones

  He starts pulling me back towards the house. “Jason, no, what are you doing? We agreed, you wouldn’t be here.”

  It doesn’t matter how much I try to drag my feet, he is too strong for me and I’m being pulled closer and closer to the house, I have to stop him, I can’t be alone with him in there.

  “Jason… Please. I need to get stuff out of my car. I have boxes and bags and bubble wrap.”

  I don’t, I’m making it up as I go. I just need to get away from him. He spins around and leans right into my face and speaks to me through gritted teeth. “That car Lauren. That fuckin car has got to go. I don’t like it darl, I don’t like it one bit.”

  He’s stopped moving while he’s talking and that’s all that my mind can focus on right now. I need to keep him talking. “Why, why not Jay? You’ve always liked Beamers.”

  “No! Not that one Lauren. Look at it, look what it says; who the fuck does he think he is, buying you a car, you’re MY fucking wife, he shouldn’t have done that, you’re NOT his one, you’re mine.”

  He’s looking towards the car now and shouting and out of my face. This isn’t Jason, this isn’t even Jason when we’ve been fighting, this is Jason as high as a kite and off his nut on ice, meth, shard. Whatever it’s called, that’s what I found in that bag, and I have no idea how to deal with this Jason, other than to try and remain calm and not antagonise him. “Then we’ll just get rid of it. The car can go, what shall we buy instead, what car would you like Jay?”

  He drops my arm and pushes both hands through his hair. “I don’t know Lauren, I don’t know anything anymore. I used to think I had all the answers, that I had everything under control. But you left me, you left me and you found him and it’s not right Lauren.”

  He takes a step towards the car. I look past him to see if I can make it around him and out onto the street before he can catch me. My phone is still in my hand, if I can just get a call out for some help. He turns back towards me and instinctively I step back away from him, closer to the open front door. “Shall we burn it?”

  “What?”

  “The car. Shall we burn it?”

  “NO!” I don’t mean to shout, but I’m panicking. Trying to remember everything I’ve ever read or heard about Crystal Meth and its side effect. I can’t, other than the pictures of people’s faces, at how much it aged and changed their appearance, at the moment Jay just looks thinner and has crazy eyes. How long has he been using this shit I wonder? Is this the reason his moods swings have increased over the past couple of years. Surely there is no way he could have maintained a relationship with me, held down a job, run a business. All while taking that shit, I would have known. Surely I would have known?

  “We can just sell the car. No need to burn it, it’s worth a lot of money, its top of the range. Take a look inside”

  He takes another step towards me, looking confused. I rummage in my bag and find the keys. My phone starts to vibrate in my hand and it’s all I can do not to look at it. I don’t want Jason to know I have my phone and he’s looking right at me. I hold the keys out to him.

  “Take a look.”

  He takes the keys from me and as soon as he turns towards the car, I run back inside the house, slam the door and lock it. Then I go into a complete blind panic. I can’t remember my pin to unlock my phone, then I forget how to bring the key pad up. I never dial a number, everything is stored, I stare at the screen for a few split seconds as Jason starts banging on the door, I get the right screen up and dial triple zero and tell the operator where I am and what’s going on. Just as I hang up Gabe calls. Gabe, oh fuck!

  “Where are you, I came home early and you’re not here? Have you left me?”

  I stop to sob. I think I can already hear sirens. “Lauren… Lauren… Shit, baby, what’s wrong?”

  “Gabe. Come to Jason’s now. Please come to Jason’s now.”

  The glass panel comes crashing into the hallway and I scream and step back. It’s too small a space for Jason to fit through but it doesn’t stop him trying, the jagged pieces of glass left in the frame, tear into his skin. It’s like a scene from a horror movie.

  “Open the fucking doors Lauren. Open them now!” He roars at me.

  “NO, Jay, no. Please.” I don’t know if I’m crying or screaming, or even saying the words out loud. Jason’s roaring at me and smashing into the front doors, Gabe’s shouting down the phone, I can’t think straight. I have no idea what Gabe’s saying, I think I can hear him calling my name but then I drop the phone as the double front doors come crashing in and swing open, hanging from their hinges in the frame. I make it up two steps before I’m grabbed by my hair and spun around, everything happens so fast I don’t even see the blow coming as his hand strikes the side of my face. I’m lifted off the floor by the force, but it’s the second one that really makes me see stars and I think I may actually blank out for a few seconds, because the next thing I remember is Jason being pulled off me and I start to fall to the floor, but I’m caught, there’s a police man and woman and they have hold of me, Jason is on the floor in the hallway there are policemen everywhere. I count six on him and his hands are cuffed behind his back, the noises he’s making sound like an animal. The front doors are hanging off their hinges and there is glass and blood everywhere and the sound of sirens, all I can hear are the sirens and Jason’s animalistic roars and cries, there’s chaos and confusion all around me. Glass, blood, noise, sirens. It’s all too much, my head is still spinning from the blows and my cheek is bleeding, ironically enough, it was Jason’s wedding ring catching my cheekbone that has caused the blood, I will probably have a scar, a reminder.

  Then above it all I hear him. “LAUREN. Fuck. Let me through, she’s my wife, let me fucking through.”

  Gabe appears, fighting off a policeman, and I start to laugh, then I cry, then I scream at the officer trying to hold him back. “Leave him, leave him the fuck alone”

  Everything suddenly stops, the sirens stop, Jason stops struggling, he stops making the noises that he was. Gabe’s eyes meet mine with a look of absolute terror in them, his suit jacket is off one shoulder and his tie is off, his top two buttons are undone and all that goes through my mind in that moment is. Is how fucking hot he looks.

  He tilts his chin towards me. “Are you okay? Did he hurt you?”

  I shake my head, “I’m fine.”

  I feel that my cheek is still bleeding and without thinking I wipe it on the back of my hand. As I talk the policemen move Jason into a standing position, and then there is chaos again. Gabe flies, literally flies across the room at him, “She’s pregnant you bastard. She’s fucking pregnant and you put your hands on her.”

  He’s so fast no one has a chance to react and he lands two punches. One to each side of Jason’s jaw before a policeman pulls Gabe away, then two more help to restrain him, they don’t cuff him, they just hold him down.

  Jason falls to his knees and turns his head to me. “You’re pregnant?” He shakes his head as he speaks.

  I let out a sob and nod as I put my hands over my belly.

  “No Ren. No. No. No. What about us, what about us? You need to come back Ren. We need to put this right.”

  He’s on his knees, handcuffed and surrounded by police, I stand from the stairs where I was sitting and the policewoman steadies me as I sway a little as I stand. I step towards Jay.

  “Lauren. No” Gabe almost growls at me, I raise my hand to shush him. I step towards Jason and touch his face; he turns it in towards my hand. I lift his chin so that he has to look me in the eye.

  “There is no us anymore Jay. What we had. What we were, is like this house. Smashed, broken and empty and now I know why. How long Jay? How long has this been going on?”

  He looks over my face, and in that moment, I see him, my Jason, the man I married, the father of my children. The man who will always have a very large piece of my heart. His chin trembles in my hand as he speaks. “Always, all the while. First the coke, then the last few yea
rs the meth. I’m so sorry Lauren, I thought I had it under control, but it got me, I’m sorry.”

  I let the tears flow. “So am I Jay. So am I. You could have come to me, I would have helped you, we would have got through it. I was your wife, it could have all been so different. Everything, all of our years together, it was all a lie. I don’t know you at all. I’ve loved you for over half my life and I don’t even know you.”

  I don’t get the chance to say anymore as a very tall policeman walks in and starts taking over proceedings and orders Jason be taken away and charged, the ambo’s arrive and check me over, shining a light in my eyes and deciding I’m okay to go home after they check my blood pressure, which is a little raised. I’m actually amazed that it’s only a little high! All the time I’m being checked over I’m watching Gabe give a statement to the police, he’s made no move towards me and I’m pretty sure that he’s more than a little pissed off, his hands are in his hair or at his jaw constantly. My phone starts to vibrate from the middle of the floor, I reach forward and pick it up, and it’s Ryder. Oh God. My kids, I have to explain to my kids that their Dad is a junkie. How do I say that? How do I put those words into a sentence and make it sound okay? I look across to Gabe as I just stand there, in the middle of the broken hallway, in the middle of this broken house, that used to be my home, my life, my world. He looks at me with complete contempt and then looks away, he doesn’t come to me like I want him too, he doesn’t hold me like I need him too, he just continues talking with the policeman, flexing his hands, balling them into fists and then opening them again, dragging them over his jaw, through his hair. The ambo touches Gabe on the shoulder and tells him I need to go home and rest and the policewoman tells me I need to make a statement but they are happy to come and take it from me a little later. After taking some photo’s the police leave. Gabe is out the front making a call so I go back to the stairs and sit down, the side of my face is burning and I know I have a fat lip and a cut somewhere inside my mouth from where my cheek hit my teeth, but my babies are safe, he never touched them, just me and that I can live with.

  Gabe appears in the doorway and just looks at me. “Gabe.”

  “Don’t, just don’t… Not yet, I’m not ready to hear it.”

  He presses the button on the wall and opens the garage door. My phone goes again, it’s Jo. “Just get here, now and bring Jake.” She doesn’t say a word and ten minutes later she and Jake are pulling up on the drive. Jo comes and joins me on the stairs, Jake has headed straight into the garage with Gabe, I can hear them talking quietly.

  “What the fuck happened Loz, are you okay?” I reach into my bag and pull out the little plastic zip lock and show it to Jo, she frowns as she looks at it. “Ice?” I can only answer with a nod as I start to cry again.

  “All these years Jo. Our whole lives, he’s put me through shit because he’s been using coke then this stuff. And I never even knew.”

  “Fuck babe. Fuck.”

  Jo and I sit in silence as we watch the boys fix up the doors, when they’re back on their hinges and the lock has been fixed, Gabe turns to Jo and asks “Did you know she was coming here?”

  “Gabe, this is nothing to do with Jo, this is my entire fault, nobody else’s.”

  “Too right it’s your fucking fault, I just want to know if she knew. I want to know who I can trust for future reference, because I obviously can’t trust you.”

  “Please, Gabe. I fucked up. I know I fucked up. Don’t be angry with me, not right now.”

  “Don’t be angry with you. Don’t be angry with you? I am beyond fucking angry Lauren. So beyond angry. What were you thinking, please try and explain to me exactly what you were thinking, because I’m just not getting it, after everything that’s happened, after everything that he has put you through. Why you would want to be anywhere near that man? He pissed on you Lauren, he smashed his way into our home, he knocked you to the floor and he pissed on you and yet still you come here, to his house on your own. Why, please explain to me why. Were you hoping for some big reconciliation?”

  “What? No. Of course not, why would you even think that?”

  “Why would I think that? Why would I even think that? Perhaps because the minute my back is turned, the minute I’m not here to stop you, you’re here, you’re round here, with him, you’re fucking pregnant Lauren. You’re carrying our children and that wasn’t enough? Knowing how dangerous, how volatile he can be, knowing full well what he is capable of and knowing that you are pregnant, you came round here and put yourself and the babies in danger. Why, I just want to know why the fuck you would do that?”

  “I did know. I was supposed to meet her here; I should have got here sooner.” Jo jumps in.

  “No, Jo. It’s not your fault, you and Jemma told me not to come, it’s my own fault.”

  “You’re pregnant Lauren. Did you know this Jo?” Jake asks, Jo nods at him.

  “You knew she was pregnant and you let her come here on her own, if you were busy, why didn’t you just ask me to come with her?”

  “That’s my fault too, I told her not to tell you, I thought you would just tell Gabe and then …” I trail off and let out a long sigh, this is just one big shit storm now. Everyone is in trouble, and it’s entirely my fault. I take a deep breath.

  “I bumped into Jason on Thursday in the supermarket car park, he was calm and civil and polite, he asked me to go for a coffee with him, just to chat about the sale of the house and I said no and he said that I still had stuff here that needed collecting and we agreed today would be a good day and he said he would be out. He would, stay out of the way and that we could deal with the paperwork another time. I told Jemma and Jo and they said I shouldn’t come. But I knew I didn’t have a lot left round here but there are some bits that I do want. So I just thought I would be in and out quick. Jo said she would meet me here, if I was determined to come, she would come with me. He said he wouldn’t be here. I… I should, he was so calm and normal on Thursday, nothing like how he was today. I’ve never seen him like he was today. When I got here and saw the state of the house.” I gesture with my head and my hands. “When I saw the rooms all trashed, I came down the stairs and just got out. I didn’t stay, I didn’t know he was here. I just got out, but he must have heard me and he grabbed me on the drive.”

  I start to cry again as I think about how terrified I felt, that was the moment I realised how massively I had fucked up and all I could think about was keeping my babies safe. “I fought him. Stopped him from dragging me back in the house. He was manic and I knew I had to stay calm. He wanted to burn the car and as he walked towards it, I locked myself in here and called the police and then you called and then he smashed the doors down and then I tried to run up.” I can’t get my breath as I speak through my sobs. Jo put’s her arm around me. “I tried to run up the stairs but he grabbed my hair and he swung me around and hit me. Then he hit me again and tried. I tried to stay on my feet but I started falling, then the police were here and then you were here. I’m sorry, I’m truly sorry, I thought it would be safe. I would never put the babies in danger, never, I just thought it would be okay, he seemed so normal Thursday.”

  Jo is sobbing next to me, Jake has his hands on his hips and is just staring at Jo and Gabe is looking at me, with a look of I don’t know what in his eyes. He rakes his hand through his hair and closes his eyes. “I told you Lauren. I forbade you, just the other day, before I left, I told you not to come here. Just once. Just for once in your fucking life could you not have done as you were told?”

  I shake my head and mouth that I’m sorry over and over again, burying my head in my heads. “For fucks sake Gabe. The girl couldn’t be sorrier, give her a cuddle and let’s get her out of here.” Jake states.

  We lock up the house and Jo puts me in the front of my car, she drives me back to Gabe’s, while the boys bring the other two cars. As soon as we are home Jo takes me to the ensuite and runs me a bath, I have no problem stripping off in front of her. She�
��s seen me naked on more than one occasion. She smiles at me and puts her hand on my naked belly. “You have a little miracle happening already. Amazing to think what’s happening in there. All sorts of magic.” I put my hand over hers; it’s so unlike Jo to show her sensitive side.

  “I really fucked up today, I could have lost it all, Gabe would never forgive me if anything had happened to these.”

  “Well it didn’t. It’s not like he’s never fucked up and he seems to forget. He didn’t exactly behave like father of the year whilst Nina was pregnant. Get in, mind it’s not too hot, you shouldn’t have hot baths when you’re pregnant.” I feel my shoulders stiffen at her words.

  “I know, I have been pregnant twice before.”

  “Sit down and shut up.” That’s the end of sensitive Jo then! Gabe walks in with a shot glass and looks at me with concern. The coldness has left his eyes, now he just looks worried.

  “Drink this. Do you need some ice for that lip or your cheek?”

  I run my tongue over the split on the left side of my bottom lip and shake my head. I sniff what’s in the shot glass. “Its brandy, it will help relax you a little bit.”

  “It’s alcohol. No, I don’t want it.” Jo gets up and leaves, sensing there’s likely to be another argument. Gabe lets out a long sigh. “Just drink the fucking drink Lauren. For fucks sake.” I knock it back. “Thank you; wasn’t hard was it?”

  I look up at him from the bath, he has his grey suit trousers on, his white shirt now has the sleeves rolled up to the elbows and is completely untucked, is hair is a dirty blonde mess and he has stubble on his jaw. He looks so handsome and I hate that he is so angry with me. “Can I get you anything else?”

  “Can you wash my back?”

  The look in his eye changes in an instant and I see that spark. I shift slightly in the water and my nipples peak out through the bubbles, he sits down on the edge of the bath and leans across to my left nipple and squeezes it between his finger and thumb. “I’ve missed you.” He whispers. I shake my head. “Not as much as I’ve missed you.” He runs his middle three fingers down my chest, through my cleavage, down to my belly button, he stops and opens his big palm wide over my lower belly and looks into my eyes. “You are in so much trouble Lauren. Perhaps I should try and fuck some sense into ya?”