Underwater

by Doe, Anna B.

  It’s not you; it’s me.

  That’s when I notice the grip on my hand tighten. Not so strong to cause actual pain or leave a mark. I don’t know why or how, but I simply know he would never do something to hurt me. I feel it in my bones.

  Just as much as I feel his torment.

  What is going on here?

  Marissa

  “Why are you still here?”

  My head snaps up, eyes landing on my mother standing just a few feet away, her hands propped on her hips. She’s giving me her “mom stance” I know so well.

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I say before returning back to my pretty useless job of wiping the bar for the hundredth time today.

  “I’m sure you have better things to do than clean an already spotless surface.”

  And hand washing and drying all the glasses, rearranging the bar, sweeping the floors and much more. But who’s counting?

  “Things like doing your homework or studying or hanging with your friends. With your boyfriend…”

  “Mooom!” I whine loudly, rolling my eyes. She was just waiting to bring it up; I know her.

  Mom lifts her hands in the air. “I’m just saying!”

  “Well don’t. I’m here in case you need help. That’s what you hired me to do.”

  “Not on the days when there is no actual need for you to be here, like today. Today you’re just draining money from the register.”

  It is pretty dead, even I can’t deny it.

  A few customers are sitting outside on the terrace. A mother with three young children. A man with a laptop on the table in front of him and a Bluetooth headphone in his right ear, typing furiously. An older couple and a small group of kids younger than me. All in all, nothing Mom and Tanya couldn’t handle. I knew it, but this was the best defense I had against the invitation to join my friends on the beach.

  I’ve been avoiding it for days, sneaking out at night for my daily swims while the rest of our small town sleeps and the chances of somebody wandering around the beach and seeing me are slim. There is no way I can pull it off much longer.

  Noel already started asking why my mom doesn’t call her if there’s such a need for extra help. I was running on borrowed time, and I knew it. Soon I’ll have to come up with some new explanation, some new lie, so I can keep my secret hidden.

  Sighing, I put the rag on the counter, giving up. “If you say so. I guess I’ll go to the beach and see if anybody is there.”

  I untie my apron and hang it for another day before taking my bag from behind the counter. Mom’s hands land on my shoulders before I get to turn around and leave.

  “Did you have a fight with Noelani?” she asks softly.

  Even though we’ve been best friends for years, we’ve had our moments of falling out. Our fights are few and far between, but when they do happen, they’re pretty heated. Things get nasty and we don’t talk for a few days afterward, but our friendship always wins over some petty fight.

  “Or maybe Caleb?”

  I give her a reassuring smile. “No.” The look she gives me is pretty skeptical, so I hurry to reassure her. “Really, it’s nothing like that. Noel and I are fine. And Caleb…”

  I leave the words hanging in the air.

  Caleb is still a subject I don’t know how to approach. Especially not with my mom. I still don’t understand why he has a sudden need to help me. He isn’t Boy Scout material. He isn’t sweet or kind like Ty. I’ve never seen him do something from the kindness of his heart; he usually needs a motive. He’s cunning like that.

  The thing I still haven’t figured out is… what does he get out of helping me with this charade?

  He’s not mean, but… I guess I’d say he’s rough around the edges. Skeptical and weary. And what surprises me the most is the fact that I know he’s not interested in girls like me. We’ve never been friends, but I’ve heard stories…

  Caleb is handsome, so naturally girls notice him. Popular, extremely beautiful girls. The fact that he’s also an athlete, an athlete who by the looks of it could go really far doing what he loves to do, is just a bonus. He has this friendly, easy-going persona about him, and people like to be around him. He makes them feel like they matter.

  Ty always draws people in with his kind heart and helpful ways. But they love Caleb because he makes them feel better about themselves. He makes them feel important. And although they’re completely different, they’re still best friends.

  Finally, I decide on a shrug. There is no better way to describe my relationship with him than that.

  Mom looks at me for a second longer before her hands fall off my shoulders. “I’ll see you for dinner?”

  “That would be great.” Inwardly I sigh in relief, happy that she’s letting the subject slide. For now, at least.

  I hurry away quickly before she has a chance to change her mind.

  When I get outside, I stand in front of the Azure Pearl, debating if I should go home and change since I’m still in my school clothes, but in the end, I decide to head to the beach like this. It’s safer. An excuse to stay away from the ocean one day longer.

  Taking off my flip-flops, I grab them and let them hang loosely from my fingers as my bare feet dig into the warm sand.

  Slowly I start walking down the beach. The part closer to the café is for tourists, but since it’s still early, there aren’t many of them. Farther away, locals rule. Kids and adults, professional surfers and recreatives alike. If you know how to get on the surfboard and catch a wave, nothing else matters.

  It takes me around fifteen minutes of slow walking to get there. I decided to risk it and walk as close to the ocean as I dared. Close enough that the temptation to dive in grows strong, but far enough so that not even an accidental wave can brush my feet.

  The moment your feet touch the ocean, you’ll become a mermaid.

  Shielding my eyes from the afternoon sun since my sunglasses are still MIA, I look toward the horizon. The point where the sky touches the ocean and there is nothing standing between them, two different shades of blue mixing together perfectly.

  I can see them in the distance. Noelani, Ty, Rob and some of their friends.

  They’re chasing the waves. As I move closer, I can see their faces more clearly. Some are concentrated, steady, while others are playing around, testing their limits and just enjoying the afternoon at the beach.

  Longing assaults me. The itchiness underneath my skin, now already a familiar feeling, is growing stronger by the day. I guess it has to do with the approaching full moon. Just a couple of days left until I have to return to the ocean. Without my wish or consent.

  You gave it up for a reason.

  Ty is the reason.

  I’ll never regret the decision I made that day while we were falling deeper and deeper underwater. Even if I never have Taylor, I’ll always be happy I saved him. And I’d like to think even if it was somebody else, I would have made the same choice. Life is too precious to be lost. Too precious to be taken away by the raging ocean and eternal darkness. Lost without a way to return even a glimmer of peace to those left behind.

  Maybe that’s what scares me the most. What if everything I do is in vain? What if by the end of these three months I’m lost to the ocean too? What will happen to my family? To Noelani? To Taylor? Caleb?

  My heart shudders, hurting for all of them.

  Hurting for me.

  I close my eyes and tilt my head back.

  The sun’s warmth kisses my skin as I let my lungs open in one steady breath, filling them with the fresh, salty air.

  Is it possible to feel the salt in the air touch your skin? Because I swear I can feel it. It stings. Like when an ice cube falls on a heated skin. It hurts, but you revel in it nevertheless. You need it, like the air you need to breathe.

  That’s what being close to the ocean is like for me. It stings. It hurts. Painfully so, but I still can’t make myself go away.

  So I walk the line between th
e land and the ocean. Not fully belonging to either, yet wanting to have them both at the same time.

  Greedy.

  That’s what we humans are: greedy. We want it all, and we want it all now. Never feeling fully complete because our need for more is never satisfied. There will always be something else we want.

  How easy would it be to just let go.

  All of it.

  Take off my clothes and dive in, forgetting about everybody and everything.

  Forget the troubles.

  Forget the fears.

  Forget the secrets and lies.

  Just let go and let the ocean heal me.

  “Risa!” I open my eyes and find Ty coming closer. “You finally decided to come!”

  “Mom finally decided to let me go!” I joke, chuckling lightly.

  A few other people from the group turn around to look at me. I recognize some of them from school, so I lift my hand in the air, wiggling my fingers in greeting. Noel waves back excitedly, giving me a not-so-subtle wink.

  My eyes scan the crowd, looking for Caleb, but I don’t see him. I don’t get a chance to mull it over because Taylor draws my attention.

  “Where’s your board? I thought we said we’d go surfing together.”

  “I was at the café, so I didn’t feel like going back home. God only knows where it is in that mess of our basement!”

  Which is the truth. I haven’t surfed in a while. Maybe since last summer? I’m not sure. What’s happening beneath the ocean has always interested me more. I always had a mask on my face, snorkel tucked safely between my lips, diving and exploring underwater until my parents decided to pay for my scuba-diving classes. Now I have a license so I do it by myself whenever I have time. Not that I need it anymore with my new, improved abilities.

  “You should have said something.” Now he’s almost out of the water, his body covered in a wetsuit and the board connected to his ankle. “I would have brought you one of my old boards.”

  “No suit of any kind, sorry.” I scratch my neck as his eyes take me in from head to toe. I try to smile, but he’s all out now.

  Ty is not as tall as Caleb, but he’s still taller than me. Droplets of water fall all around him, and he shakes his head, making them splash everywhere.

  I take a step back, trying to avoid the sudden spray.

  “What?” He looks at me, an amused smile playing on his lips. “Are you now afraid of a little water? I didn’t take you for that kind of girl, Risa.”

  “I’m not afraid,” I protest, but take another step back. Safety measures and all that.

  “As you shouldn’t be. It’s not like a gigantic wave crushed over you and pulled you underwater, only to be saved by some mystical creature.”

  My heart stops beating for a second, terrified that I’ve been found out, but when he continues in a careless manner, I let myself breathe out in relief. He doesn’t know anything.

  Yet.

  “Are you still obsessing over it?” I look carefully at his face, looking for some kind of answer in his blue eyes.

  They harden for a second, stubbornness reflecting in their depths. “I know I’m right. It doesn’t matter that you all don’t believe me. Somebody, something, was out there with me that night.”

  Fear slowly starts to creep around the edge of my consciousness, but I push it down. “If you keep up with this craziness, what do you expect to find? A unicorn?”

  My words are a punch to his gut, I can see it, but I can’t let myself feel sorry for Taylor. He’s trying to figure out what happened that night, and I can’t let that happen. Even if it means hurting him.

  “I don’t know. But I owe somebody my life. If they didn’t pull me out, I’d be dead right now.”

  An itchy feeling slowly starts rising through my fingers, and this time it doesn’t have anything to do with my need to feel the ocean around me. This time it’s all him. Taylor.

  I want to touch him. I want to comfort him.

  I start extending my hand when I see a drop of water fall from a strand of hair on his cheek. Clenching my fingers into a fist, I pull my hand back.

  No touching the ocean water if you don’t want to grow a tail, Marissa.

  Sighing hard, Ty extends his hand to me, our disagreement forgotten. But that’s Taylor for you. Kind and forgiving. “Come on, let’s go.”

  “Go where?” My eyes narrow, looking at his hand like it’ll bite me.

  “What do you mean where?” he chuckles lightly, slowly moving closer to me.

  For every step he takes toward me, I take a step back, suddenly panicking. He can’t… no he wouldn’t… would he?

  “It wouldn’t be the first time you’ve gone swimming in your clothes.”

  I look down at my white tank top and jean shorts. “You can’t be serious.”

  Ty wiggles his brows playfully, but there is nothing playful about this situation for me. This was a mistake. One huge mistake.

  I have to get out of here and fast. Far, far away from the ocean. As far away as possible.

  The images of what would happen if Taylor’s intentions come to fruition assault my mind from all sides. Conclusion?

  Not good.

  “But I am,” Ty sing-songs.

  “Taylor…” I warn him in my strictest, most serious do-not-mess-with-me voice.

  “Risa…”

  Before the first syllable of my name can fall from his lips, I turn around on the heels of my feet and start running. But I don’t get far. Hands curl around me, pulling me closer and lifting me in the air.

  Strong.

  Warm.

  Reliable.

  Caleb.

  I don’t know when I started associating these words with him. When I started recognizing his touch, but in this moment, I don’t care. As long as I’m safe from the ocean, I could be in the devil’s hands and I wouldn’t care.

  Maybe I am.

  Caleb spins me in the air, pulling me further away from Ty and ocean. His jaw is set in a tight line, but I can see the amusement fight through his rigid stance. What does he find funny? Me? This whole situation? Or maybe he simply enjoys spinning me around the beach like I’m a doll for his amusement?

  I try to wrap my legs around him, but they’re floating through the air as he spins me, so I curl my hands around his neck like my life depends on it, hoping he doesn’t let go of me.

  “Caleb!” I half-squeal, half-laugh.

  His shoulders shake underneath my palms, and I know he’s laughing, too.

  “Put me down.”

  He laughs harder, but doesn't let go immediately. I guess it would hurt his manly pride if he listened on the first try.

  “Caleb!” I drag out in warning, but can’t help but laugh, too.

  When he finally decides to set me down on the ground, my feet feel wobbly underneath me, so he has to put his hands on my shoulders to steady me.

  I look at him through my eyelashes, still laughing. “You’re crazy.”

  He chuckles, the sound filling the air around us.

  “You enjoyed it.” He tucks the runaway strand of hair behind me ear. “Don’t pretend otherwise now.”

  I giggle, but don’t say a word. Partly because he may be right, but partly because his hands still linger in the air, close to my face, his hand brushing against my cheek. I can feel the warmth radiating from his palm, and I want to lean my head to the side and let my cheek fully touch it, but the clearing of a throat stops me from doing so.

  Peeking around Caleb, I find Taylor’s eyes looking at us with piercing curiosity. Caleb moves to the side, his hand wrapping around me, over my shoulder.

  I don’t know what comes over me, but I lift my hand and let my fingers brush his, until he interlocks them tightly.

  “You hitting on my girl while I’m not here, Ty?” Caleb jokes, but I can feel the steel strength behind his easy-going words and demeanor.

  And there they are again. Those words.

  My girl.

  Two simple words t
hat hold some much meaning.

  He says them so casually, like he uses them on a daily basis. They fall from his lips so easily, you’d think they’re meant to be said to me.

  Like he’s said them a hundred times before.

  Light blue eyes go to our locked hands before they return back to our faces. “Just messing around. No need to start a pissing contest, Lawrence. After all, she was my friend before she became your… whatever.”

  Caleb stares him down a while longer before his lips curl into his annoying, arrogant smirk. “Don’t forget that. She may be your friend, but she’s my girl.”

  His lips brush against my forehead. Cold metal of his piercing tickling my heated skin.

  They don’t break their staring contest for a while longer. I don’t understand what they’re looking for or expecting. Ty just admitted he only sees me as a friend, but the way his eyes narrow at us… could it be? Is that jealousy hidden behind his gaze? I don’t want to hope, but maybe, just maybe this whole craziness is working.

  Shaking his head, Taylor takes a step back and, without a word, goes back to the water. I look at his retreating form, emotions swirling inside of me.

  I’m not sure if something has changed or not. The only thing I know for sure is this is one big mess.

  Maybe I’m spending my and Caleb’s time in vain, expecting a miracle to happen. Maybe I should call it quits and start preparing for my life in the ocean. The first month is almost up, the night of the full moon nearing. I got my one miracle when I exchanged my humanity for a tail to save the boy I love; now being too greedy doesn’t seem right. And it’ll only bring me more heartache in the end.

  As if he can sense my mood change, Caleb’s finger starts drawing slow circles on the palm of my hand, calming me down.

  How does he do it? Most of the time he’s driving me crazy, but then there are times like this. Moments when he’s my anchor in the middle of the storm.

  When I lift my gaze, I find him looking down at me. He’s sucking his lower lip, playing with the metal ring that’s there.

  The lip pops out, glistening in the sun, and my eyes zoom in on the piercing.

  “Did it hurt when you got it?” I brush my thumb against the metal.