All She Wanted (Letting Go)

by Deese, Nicole

  I saw Charlie trailing behind the group at a very slow pace. She had smoothed out the front of her wrinkle-free dress a dozen times in the last thirty seconds. I reached for her arm and pulled her back a bit, out of earshot.

  “Hey…you alright?” I asked, keeping my voice low.

  “Yeah, it’s just nerves, I guess.”

  As dense as it might be, I was stunned by her answer. I said as much.

  “Nerves? You’re kidding me, right?”

  She rolled her eyes and huffed, trying to break away from my grasp. I didn’t budge.

  “You wouldn’t understand—just let me go.”

  Nice one, Briggs. Way to show your support.

  “Hey, that’s not what I meant. I’m sorry. It’s just surprising to me that someone with you kind of talent would still get nervous. You’re brilliant, Charlie; don’t let yourself think any differently, okay?” I said.

  “My nerves are worse when I play for smaller crowds. It just feels a lot more exposing to me than when I play at larger venues.”

  I realized then that I didn’t even know half of what Charlie had done with her talent. We had talked quite a bit about her schooling and scholarship details, but I knew very little about her future dreams and goals regarding piano.

  Why hadn’t we talked about that? I made a mental note to ask her—soon.

  I hugged her tight, pulling away to rest my hand on her shoulder a few seconds later, “Whether you notice it or not, it’s that exposure that draws us in when you play, Shortcake. It’s captivating.”

  Her eyes smiled at me as she bit her bottom lip. How can I not kiss her when she looks at me like that?

  As I leaned close, drawn in by some unforeseen force, I heard the loud clearing of a throat behind me.

  Kai.

  “Sorry…but the natives are getting restless in here,” Kai asked, avoiding my eyes, “We still on for the mini concert, Charlie?”

  “Yes, absolutely,” Charlie answered, slipping out from under my arm.

  I leaned my forehead against wall with a thump, rededicating myself again to my previous resolve.

  “Tuesday?” Kai asked, empathetically.

  “Yeah…Tuesday,” I grumbled.

  Kai chuckled and together we walked into the music den.

  Charlie

  My palms were clammy as I rested them on top of the cool keys.

  This piano was a dream. It was a full grand—ivory in color. It was unparalleled to any I had played before, including those at the finest auditoriums and concert halls I had preformed in. This was a rare gift—to play an instrument of this caliber. I took in a deep breath as I saw Briggs walk into the room. My heart was instantly torn between elation and calm at the sight of him. I mouthed the words thank you, as our eyes met.

  What he told me in the hallway I wouldn’t soon forget.

  I began.

  The deep notes of the baseline announced that something significant was about to commence, followed by the smooth careful wanderings of the treble soon after. Then it was time for the unique melody that would accompany the bride’s walk. I closed my eyes, focusing all my passion, all my joy, all my heart into those last few measures. I could feel the intensity of the room’s gaze on me, yet my nerves had all but disappeared. As the last note resonated off the walls, I lifted my head and drew back my foot from the sustain pedal. Richard stood from his seat on the sofa and started to clap.

  Within seconds, everyone was on their feet, clapping. My face flushed at the response, but I couldn’t help but glance at Tori. She was the opinion I valued most at the moment. From her eyes streamed tears that she didn’t try to wipe away. Her smile was beautiful. Before I could get up from the bench, she sat down next to me and put her arms around my shoulders, hugging me tight.

  “Thank you, Charlie. That was beyond anything I could have hoped for.”

  I felt my eyes grow damp at the joy in her voice.

  That was the only form of payment I would ever need from my music: Happiness.

  **********

  After desert was served, the men went out to the driving range while the women sat outside, soaking in the sunshine. I was grateful for my short dress as I stretched my legs out, exposing them to the glorious rays—it was heavenly.

  Tori put a ban on all “wedding talk” for the rest of the afternoon. Lucina and Stacie seemed at a loss for words at first, but Tori kept right on talking as if it didn’t faze her in the slightest. The more time I spent with her, the more I liked her.

  “So, when are you planning to go back to Austin?” Tori asked, adjusting her sunglasses while leaning back onto the lounge chair.

  “I am not exactly sure. The term ends in a couple of weeks and I was originally thinking of doing some make-up work over the summer—taking a few classes at least, but I’m not sure now.”

  The truth was I didn’t want to go back early anymore. I didn’t know what was going to happen with Briggs and I, but I wasn’t looking forward to leaving him. He had quickly become my closest friend.

  “Hmm...that wouldn’t have anything to do with a certain fireman would it? Because if so, you should know that he’s currently making his way over here,” Stacie cooed.

  My head shot up with a snap. The movement startled Tori and she did the same. We both looked at each other and started laughing. Tori shook her head at Stacie, as if to silence her. It worked. Thank goodness.

  “Hey there, did you know it’s after five already?” Briggs asked me.

  No way! Had we really been here all day?

  “Oh my gosh! I had no idea it was so late. I hope we haven’t overstayed-”

  “Are you kidding? You’re a hoot, Charlie. Please come back soon!” Stacie said.

  “Yes, absolutely. I can’t tell you how much we’ve enjoyed your company today, and also your talent,” Lucina said before turning to Briggs, “And it’s always a pleasure when you’re around, Briggs.”

  “You don’t know him that well then, Mom,” Tori said, throwing her arms out instantly as if to block Brigg’s retaliation. She slapped his hands away from her as he laughed.

  Tori stood up from her chair a second later as Kai walked over. He wrapped his arms around her waist from behind, resting his head on her shoulder. “You gals enjoying yourselves out here?”

  “Yes, it’s been a great day,” I answered, as Briggs held his hand out to me, pulling me up from my comfortable sunbaked coma.

  “Please thank your husband again for the excellent steaks, and thank you for your hospitality today Mrs. Sales,” Briggs said to Lucina.

  After our goodbyes were said, Tori walked with me to the driveway, holding me back slightly as Briggs kept on toward the truck.

  “Charlie, I know I’ve said thank you a hundred times today for the song, but truly I’m so touched that you wrote that for me, and so is Kai. I also wanted to tell you,” she paused, as if hesitant to continue, “if you ever find yourself in need of a friend—for however long you’re here in Dallas, or even after you move back to Austin, I’d love the chance to get to know you better.”

  Her smile was so sincere, I felt as if I might cry for the second time today because of her words to me. I knew she meant them.

  “Thank you, I’d love to get to know you better, too. I could use a girlfriend,” I said.

  “Good…then it’s settled. I’ll give you a call this week. I’m sure I’ll need to escape the wedding planner twins in there.”

  I laughed, I’m sure she was right.

  Briggs pulled his truck up. With one last hug, I said goodbye to Tori. I could hardly remember a time my heart had felt so full.

  Briggs

  “Do you need any help getting your things out of the apartment?” Charlie asked.

  “No, I can handle it.”

  The last thing I needed was to be alone with Charlie in that apartment.

  I’m losing my ever-loving mind and we’re inside a three-thousand square foot house!

  “Oh okay, well if you’re sure,�
� she said, shrugging her shoulders.

  “Yep, I’m good. Thanks.”

  Her hair was up in some top-knot looking thing, and she was in yet another pair of flannel pants again—those irresistible flannel pants. Charlie was working on a list of what she needed to get from the store before her parents arrived home tomorrow. She was expecting them around four in the afternoon, coming directly from the airport. She opened and closed the fridge door multiple times, comparing items on her list with those that were still in stock. Each time she matched an item to her list, she made a clucking sound with her tongue, before sliding back across the tile floor in her socks.

  It was adorable.

  Did I seriously just think the word adorable?

  Someone needs to knock me out.

  “Okay, Charlie. I should probably start packing.”

  “You’re not up for one more season of The Office?” she asked glancing up from her list, smiling at me like some sort of she-devil.

  “A season?” I laughed, apologetically. “No, Shortcake. I can’t tonight. I need to go in early before my shift starts tomorrow, I’m sure there are a lot of things that need to be done before your dad gets back. Plus, I have a mound of laundry waiting for me at my place.”

  She stuck out her bottom lip and sighed.

  You’re killing me, Charlie.

  “Alright…who knew you were such a domestic bore?”

  She couldn’t even get the phrase out without busting-a-gut laughing.

  “Didn’t anyone ever tell you that laughing at your own joke makes it way less funny?” I asked, smirking at her.

  “Didn’t anyone ever tell you that it’s a sour sport who can’t take a joke?”

  I laughed and headed toward the front door.

  “I’ll be back in a minute smarty pants. I’m gonna go pack…alone!”

  “As you wish Sour-Sport-Sam!” she yelled.

  I could still hear her laughing as I closed the front door and headed up to my apartment.

  No, not my apartment anymore.

  Charlie

  I told myself I was fine—everything was fine.

  Briggs was only going to be a few miles away. We were still going to see each other. We were friends—no matter what did or did not develop between us, he had said so himself.

  But I wasn’t fine.

  I thought again about his declaration today in the middle of farm town USA as we stood on the side of a highway. Who said that kind of thing? Wasn’t that only supposed to happen in romantic comedies and chick-flicks?

  I flushed again as I thought about his words, “I have said it a thousand times in my head Charlie, but I could say it all day long and it wouldn’t make it any less true. You are beautiful.”

  Not only did he say that I was beautiful, but that he had thought about me—a lot. My stomach fluttered as that realization sunk in. My mind and heart were so divided lately. I wanted to make sense of our relationship so I could justify the feelings that were quickly overtaking me, but I didn’t know how to do that.

  What I did know was simple, Briggs was everything Alex was not, which I was learning, was everything I truly wanted.

  When I heard the slam of a truck door, a panic ripped through me, shocking me into action from the pensive stupor I was in. I had no thought; I just started moving—sliding actually—down the hall toward the front door, in my socks. I threw it open, barreling into the driveway, straight into the blackness of the night. My eyes had not fully adjusted to the dark when I hit something hard, briefly knocking me back.

  “Dear Lord, Charlie. What on earth are you doing?” Briggs asked as he tried to steady us both. Apparently, I had collided smack into the center of his chest. He pulled his arms away after a second, breathing heavily from the impact.

  I was breathing heavily too, but not from that.

  “I thought…I thought you were leaving,” I said sheepishly as I looked at the closed tailgate on his truck—the one we were standing right next to. Oh, that’s embarrassing. His bags were inside, already loaded. I guess I hadn’t heard the driver’s side door after all, but it didn’t make the sight any easier to take in.

  He chuckled softly, yet there was no humor in it to detect. “And what? Not tell you I was going—really?”

  I felt stupid. “My mistake?” I looked up at his face in the moonlight.

  Wow, what a face it was, too.

  We both fell silent as several seconds ticked by.

  “So…” I began.

  “So…” he repeated.

  I didn’t know why I did it exactly, but I regretted it instantly. My hand shot out in front of me, as if to shake goodbye. He looked down, staring at it like I had rabies. I pulled it back to my side again, awkwardly.

  “It’s been a good month, Manny. Thanks for everything.” I was careful not to make eye contact. My throat felt tight as the burning sensation behind my eyes increased, I did my best to ignore them both.

  Do not cry. Do not cry. Do not cry.

  I’m being stupid!

  I could feel his eyes on me, their intensity unrelenting. I bit the insides of my cheeks. Only once did I peek up at his face, and my suspicion was confirmed: I couldn’t handle it.

  Don’t look.

  “Shortcake, this isn’t goodbye.”

  He made no move to touch me, yet I could feel the warmth radiating off of his body. It was as if his very nearness could smite any chill that tried to come for me. I needed that warmth; I needed him.

  “Then, why does it feel like the family dog just died?” I asked.

  He laughed, this time finding me funny. I knew the difference.

  “Nothing has died, I can promise you that.”

  I smiled as I looked up at him again, internally scolding myself the instant our gazes locked, but this time I didn’t pull my eyes away. This time, I was fairly sure it was physically impossible to do so.

  Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

  “Maybe I can come by the station this week—bring you lunch sometime?”

  “I’d like that,” he said, “I always like to see you, Charlie.”

  My stomach was going insane, the dips and dives and flips and flops. It didn’t even feel attached to my body anymore. It was its own entity now.

  I took a deep breath. I had to get the words out quickly, or else the tears would come and I would never be able to say them. I had missed out on too many important goodbyes in my life, and I wasn’t going to let this one slip through my fingers as well. So, I just began talking—quickly.

  “Thank you for everything, Briggs, I mean it. You’ve been such a good friend to me and I didn’t even know how much I needed that—a true friend, I mean. After Alex, I didn’t think I’d ever be able to stop hurting, much less trust someone again. But you…”

  I couldn’t finish. The swollen lump in my throat inhibited the words that were trapped somewhere behind it. I swallowed again, trying to push the tightness away.

  “Charlie…breathe. I’m not exiting your life, I’m just moving to the other side of Lincoln street…this is not goodbye. There are no last words you need to say tonight.”

  His hand gripped my arm lightly and I wanted to lean into it—to lean into him, but I didn’t.

  “Okay,” I said.

  “Okay.”

  “Can I…can I give you a hug as long as I don’t say goodbye?”

  He laughed and pulled me into his body, which turned everything inside me to mush. But in a moment that came much too soon, he pushed me back gently. Surprisingly, my bones and muscles could still support the weight of my body. His hands found my face as he leaned in to press his lips to my forehead, lingering there for only a couple of heartbeats.

  As he backed away toward the driver’s door, a look crossed his face that I hadn’t seen before.

  “Charlie…it would be best if you never tell me Alex’s last name.”

  A nervous bubble of laughter escaped my throat, but his look did not change.

  “Oh. You’re serious.”
<
br />   “As a heart attack.”

  “Right, got it.”

  “Good, now go inside and lock the door behind you, please. I’ll text you in a bit to say goodnight, but please promise me you’ll call if you need anything.”

  I smiled, crossing my heart with my finger. “I promise.”

  He nodded in silent approval before I turned and walked back inside the house, fighting the urge to chase after his truck when I saw his taillights reflecting in the windows.

  Instead, I watched him drive away, a tortured smile planted on my face as I saw him turn off my street.

  This isn’t goodbye.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Briggs

  My mental countdown was in full swing before my eyes had even cracked open, but luckily, the day proved busy. I had never been more grateful for busy.

  There was not a surface that wasn’t scrubbed, shined or polished—even the gym had been thoroughly cleaned by late afternoon on Monday. Though I had my own motivations for Chief’s homecoming, we were all looking forward to his arrival at the station. He had been at this station for over twenty years, and acting as chief for twelve of that. Sure he was twice my age, but there was nothing old about the man. On several occasions he had proved his endurance was greater than any of the “young pups” he had hired. Nearly two years ago he had stood in a frigid lake with Kai, myself, and five other guys to see who could be the last one standing. The catch was we were only allowed to stand on one leg, while holding an America flag.

  Chief won.

  The rest of us had to do several laps in our boxers at midnight. Not the best time of my life, but a memorable one for sure.

  The calls today had been non-stop. One middle school nearby had evacuated at lunch due to a pizza catching on fire in the school’s old industrial oven. No one had been hurt, but the kitchen had extensive damage. I had also been called to a scene involving a motorcycle and telephone pole. I hated those calls. I had owned a motorcycle at one time, but I sold it within a few months of starting at the station.