All She Wanted (Letting Go)

by Deese, Nicole

  Those are images that don’t erase easily.

  My phone buzzed.

  Miss Strawberry Shortcake: Folks just got in. Kinda weird you’re not here to hang out with us…but I’m sure you’ll get your fill of my dad soon enoughJ. Hope you’re having a good day, and remember you promised to make those crepes again sometime for my family. My mom will freak out. Okay…babbling, I know. But is it really even called babbling if it’s on a text? A question for heaven I suppose…five points to you though if you know the answer.

  Me: Hmm…I feel honored you think me wise enough to contend with a question as significant as that one. I think the short answer is no, although my calculations are rocky at best. Day is simply going…wish I was there to hang out too, but alas, some of us must work for a living. I bet ten points that you just rolled your eyes at that? Am I right? Don’t lie. Texting is like being under oath. Yes, I will make crepes again, but only if you promise to freak out over them again as well.

  Miss Strawberry Shortcake: I feel it might be safer for me to believe it IS babbling, that way I have some sort of mental filter telling me to stop typing. Otherwise, these already ridiculously long texts could end up as a novella someday. And fine, I’ll admit--ten points to you, but don’t gloat. Gloaters are ugly. Lastly, if the term “under oath” is just a new way for you to play truth or dare…please note I will always choose dare.

  Me: That, Shortcake, might just be the best information you’ve ever divulged about yourself.

  Miss Strawberry Shortcake: Great J. Folks want to chat. Ttyl…

  Me: Count on it.

  My day had just improved exponentially.

  Charlie

  As I sat outside on the patio with my parents, I felt an odd sense of relief. We hadn’t parted ways on the best of terms, but that seemed a lifetime ago now. My dad’s rough tan hand laid over mine as he smiled at me. I smiled back, genuinely.

  “It’s good to see you, sugar.”

  “It’s good to see you too, Dad,” I said before turning to look at my mother, “Mom, I’ve never seen you so tan before. You look beautiful.”

  My mom laughed softly, and shook her head at me. “Thank you.” She studied me for a second, “You look different too, Charlie—you look…happy.”

  Her eyes glossed over with tears and she pursed her lips together.

  “I feel happy, Mom.” And it was the truth. I hadn’t felt this happy in a very long time.

  “So the month has been good to you?” my father asked.

  “Yes...the month was very good to me.”

  And so was a certain hottie who lived above the garage.

  We talked for hours, eating the ready-bake lasagna I had made for us. I looked at their pictures and heard some wonderful stories about their time in the Greek isles. Every once in awhile my mind would wander back to Briggs, but I tried to keep my focus on them. We had spent too much time not being a family over the last year, and I was ready for that to change.

  They went to bed fairly early as their internal time clock was off, but I didn’t mind. I texted with Briggs well into the night, my phone still in hand when my body finally surrendered itself to sleep.

  Briggs

  Chief had been in his office returning phone calls and emails for three hours and forty-seven minutes. Not that I was keeping track or anything.

  Though guys had been popping in and out of there all morning, I waited for my turn—for the right moment.

  When the door to his office opened around noon, I thought I was hearing things when my name reverberated off of the cement walls. Kai confirmed it wasn’t my imagination though when he shot me a look that said now’s your time buddy. I stood.

  “Briggs? A word in my office, please,” Chief said as I made my way to him.

  My nerves were wreaking havoc on my insides.

  “Have a seat,” Chief said, sitting across from me at his desk. A large smile played on his face. I couldn’t help but reciprocate it, even though I had no idea of his reason for it. I hadn’t even told him I wanted to speak with him yet.

  “Julie and I want to thank you Briggs, for staying at the house. We feel very grateful to you for paying us that favor. We wanted to give you this,” Chief said, pushing a sealed envelope toward me. I looked at it and swallowed, my mind racing with ways to break into this conversation as smoothly as possible. “I also wanted to thank you for whatever you did to help Charlie.”

  At this I startled a bit. Was it really going to be this easy?

  “Help her, sir?”

  “Yes, she seems…very happy. We haven’t seen her like that in quite a while. She said you’ve become good friends.”

  He smiled at me again. His words seemed genuine—honest. Friendship was what he thought had taken place over the last month, and to a large extent that was true, but there was definitely more to it than that. I took a deep breath, realizing that this was the moment to elaborate on what exactly that more was.

  “She’s become a good friend to me as well, Chief. I should be the one thanking you for the opportunity to get to know her. This last month has been one of the best months of my life,” I said carefully. I pushed the envelope back toward him slowly.

  Surprise filled his face as he stared at me.

  I continued, “Sir, at first I thought I would simply act as a security guard around your house, but that’s not how things progressed. We did become friends, but my feelings for her are much stronger than that now.”

  He leaned his elbows on the desk in front of him, supporting his weight. Clearly, he had not been anticipating this statement. He opened his mouth twice before any words came out.

  “And what are your feelings for my daughter?”

  “I’m in love with her, sir.”

  There might have been a nervous undertone to my previous statements, but not to this one.

  This I knew.

  Loving Charlie was like blood to my body, oxygen to my lungs. There was no doubt in this truth I claimed.

  The Chief’s eyes never left mine—nor did they blink. Only the sound of our breathing filled the office for what felt like an immeasurable amount of time. Finally, he broke the silence and stood, facing me.

  “Charlie is a very unique woman, Briggs, but there is a history to her that you couldn’t possibly-”

  “She told me about the adoption, sir—and about her mama,” I interrupted.

  His eyebrows shot up, as if he was more shocked by that fact than my declaration of love for his daughter a minute prior.

  “She…she told you?”

  “Yes, we’ve talked quite a bit during these last four weeks,” I replied.

  He turned then toward the window and stared out. I remained seated.

  “What is it you want, Briggs?” His voice was low, but stern.

  “I want your blessing to date her. My intentions are honorable, sir, I can assure you. I have never felt this way for anyone…and I can promise you that I would cut off my own arm before I would hurt her in any way.”

  He seemed to consider my words before crossing his arms over his chest. He kept his eyes focused on something in the distance.

  “Twenty-eight pounds.”

  “Excuse me, sir?” I asked, feeling like I must have heard him wrong.

  “Charlie was twenty-eight pounds when she came to live with us—she was five.” Emotion had crept into his tone, growing the knot at the base of my stomach. Charlie’s neglect as a child made me physically ill to think about.

  “When they went through the apartment she lived in…do you know what they found?”

  I shook my head once.

  “A half empty jar of peanut butter, a bread bag and an old box of stale Cheese-Its which mice had ravaged through. We’ve concluded that her grandfather was the one to drop off the food to her every other week or so, but she was severely malnourished and looked like she hadn’t been bathed in a very long time, if ever. No one had cared for her, Briggs—no one before Julie and I. We were her emergency foster care pl
acement. And even once she was safe in our house, she spent nearly two years sleeping under her bed. She didn’t trust anyone, she had no reason to.” He turned to me, a small lift at one side of his mouth, “I know this may be hard to believe, but she was a very quiet, withdrawn child. It took many hours of therapy before we realized that she was trapped inside a prison of guilt—believing that her mama’s suicide was somehow her fault. ”

  I clenched my jaw over and over trying to rid my mind of the image of my beautiful Charlie as a broken, hurting child. I reminded myself that no one would ever hurt her in that way again. She was safe now; she was loved. Those reminders eased the pain in my chest momentarily.

  I also knew that her adverse reaction to peanut butter wasn’t an allergy.

  Chief turned to me again, a new resolve filling his face.

  “I cannot give you my blessing, Briggs.”

  The blood drained from my head, causing me to feel instantly disoriented as I struggled to comprehend his words. No…no, this isn’t right!

  “Sir, I know that I could never meet your standards for Charlie, I don’t even pretend to meet my own standards for Charlie, but you must believe there is nothing I would deny her.” I stood then, facing him head-on as my chest heaved with passion, “You were her rescue once—saving her from a fate worse than death. But she is my rescue now—breathing life into the places of my heart that were long ago dead. She is love to me.”

  He took a deep breath, staring down at his hands before making eye contact with me again. “Briggs…you are like a son to me. I have watched your life over this last year, and I feel nothing but pride when I look at you—when I think of how you’ve changed. So please, hear me when I say that this decision is not about you. This is about Charlie—what’s best for her, and if you mean it when you say you love her, then you should want what’s best for her, too.” He pointed to the chair across from him, “Give me a chance to explain.”

  My heart was pounding as I took a seat for the second time.

  “Alex was a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I knew from the start that he would hurt her, but she wouldn’t listen to me. I had never felt so helpless as a father—I was literally watching her self-destruct one day at a time. I wasn’t surprised when he left her, but I was furious when he almost stole her future away from her, too. She doesn’t have any more chances, Briggs—if she loses her scholarship, then she loses everything she has worked so hard for. Music is her future, it’s her dream—I can’t let her give up on that up now, not when she’s so close…not even for you.” He clasped his hands together before looking up at me again, “Have you heard her play?”

  I nodded, my shoulders stiff with tension.

  “Then you know what kind of talent she has. Alex almost ended that for her-”

  “I. Am. Not. Alex!”

  He lifted one palm in the air, as if to calm me, but I was far from calm.

  “I realize that, but you must realize the distraction you would be to her, Briggs.” He sighed. “What have you told her—about your feelings?”

  I stared down at my fists. “Not much yet.”

  “Briggs…I think it’s probably best that it stays that way.”

  I lifted my head up to meet his eyes again, “For how long?”

  He took a deep breath. “Do you know why the Bible lists patience as the first virtue of love? Because it is usually the hardest one for us to endure. We always want what we want right now…but now is not always what’s best for the other person. Charlie has three semesters left, can you really tell me that you would ask her to risk her talent and future elite opportunities because of your feelings? It takes hours and hours of daily discipline and focused dedication for her to master her skill. So you tell me, is satisfying your own desire to be with her now worth the sacrifice it could cost her later?”

  I pushed my body back against the chair, raking my hands over my face and hair in utter frustration. He’s right.

  I hated how right he was.

  “I’m not asking you to stop being her friend—she obviously values your friendship, Briggs, but encouraging anything else will compromise her heart…and yours.”

  “Mine’s a lost cause already, sir.”

  “Then spare Charlie’s.”

  I stood again, nodding as I turned to face the door behind me. A heavy hand fell on my shoulder as I grabbed the doorknob.

  “I can’t make you choose to do what’s right for her, Briggs, but I hope you will.”

  A random thought occurred to me then. “I’ve asked her as my date to the wedding…”

  He nodded in what seemed to be approval. “I don’t want to control her life, Briggs, I only want her to preserve her future. ”

  “Yes, sir.”

  I might have nodded before closing the door behind me, but I couldn’t be sure, all I knew was that in less than a minute I was in the gym. I pushed every thought away before dressing down into my shorts.

  Thinking hurt too much.

  I wrapped my knuckles on autopilot as I stood before the black leather bag. The only cope for this kind of pain was physical exhaustion, and that was exactly what I intended to get to.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Charlie

  It was just after 1:30 when I arrived at the station. Briggs hadn’t responded yet to my text about bringing lunch by today, but I figured he was out on a call. I could wait if that was the case. I had spent the morning working on some old compositions before helping my mom unpack and fold laundry. I was grateful to be out of the house for a bit.

  And I missed Briggs already.

  There were only a couple guys in the dining hall, one I recognized as Evan, the other I had only been introduced to once. I couldn’t recall his name. After a short greeting, I made my way back to my father’s office. His smile was warm as he hugged me. I put the bag of food down in front of him.

  “Oh wow, thank you, sugar. I think after today though I need to go on a strict salad-only diet. My pants are fitting a little too snug these days…”

  “I told you, Dad. Cruise food does that to the best of folks,” I laughed.

  “Do I get the privilege of eating with you today?”

  “Uh…well, I was planning on seeing Briggs, too. I got him something from Fifth Street Café as well. He loves that place.”

  His face held an interesting mix of emotions when I mentioned Briggs’ name. Last night he had seemed delighted by our friendship, but today I sensed something else. Was it hesitation? Strange.

  “Is he here?” I asked.

  He didn’t look at me as he opened his to-go bag. “I am honestly not sure where he is at the moment. I know several trucks are out, but I’m not sure about Briggs.”

  I narrowed my eyes at him. Is he acting weird? Or am I reading into something that isn’t there?

  “Is…everything okay, Dad?”

  He looked up at me then, a reassuring smile filling his face.

  “Yes, darling. Everything is fine. Why don’t you tell me more about the piece you composed for Kai’s wedding while you’re here? You never finished that story last night.”

  I felt something ease in my chest as I sat down to fill him in on the processional for Kai and Tori’s wedding. I knew Briggs would eat this food no matter what time of day it was, so I felt alright about taking a few extra minutes to chat with my dad. He seemed pleased that I did. He thanked me for the all the work I had done in his absence, especially the ruthless data-entry and filing. It warmed my heart to hear the pride back in his voice again when he spoke to me. It had been quite a while since I had heard that.

  It felt nice to be home with him.

  Briggs

  “I’m not in the mood, Kai,” I said through clenched teeth as I did another sequence of uppercuts.

  I had seen him standing in the far corner of the gym watching me, but I wasn’t about to break concentration. If I didn’t concentrate on this, it would mean having to concentrate on something else. I couldn’t deal with that something else quit
e yet.

  “It would appear that way,” Kai said, “why do you think I’m standing over here?”

  I didn’t respond.

  My combinations were second nature; the flurried punches would have made my old sensei proud.

  One. Five. Three. One. Two. Four. One.

  One. Five. Three. One. Two. Four. One.

  One. Five. Three. One. Two. Four. One.

  “What are you gonna do, Briggs?” Kai asked, his voice laced with concern.

  I stopped the bag, breathing hard as I steadied my body. Sweat poured onto the floor from my face and arms.

  “This better not be some kind of early intervention plan, Kai. I’m not going to start drinking again…or anything else, so can you just lay off me for five minutes?”

  I started the sequence again.

  He walked closer, “That’s not what I’m asking and you know it.”

  With a powerful blow I sent the bag spinning. Kai caught it with both hands.

  I crossed my arms and rested them on top of my head, catching my breath. My body throbbed from exertion, but I was not nearly exhausted enough to forget the knife that was lodging itself deeper into my heart with each passing second.

  “Ultimately, he made the decision mine…but there is no choice. If I love her, then I have to choose her first. He’s right about that. And choosing Charlie means...”

  “That you won’t allow her to choose you.” Kai finished my sentence, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand, exhaling loudly. “So you’re not going to tell her, then—not anything at all?”

  I snapped my head back in his direction, “Don’t you think I want to? It’s all I’ve thought about for weeks!” I exhaled, “But he’s right…it will only make things more difficult if I do. I don’t know how she feels about me, but I don’t want to lose her—even if friendship is all we have.”

  I could see a mirror of pain staring back at me. Kai understood this kind of pain; he had gone through it not too long ago himself. Only now he was on the other side of that great divide. I couldn’t be sure a similar fate awaited Charlie and me. “Love is patient, Briggs. It waits for us, even when we can’t see how it will.”