All She Wanted (Letting Go)

by Deese, Nicole

  I sighed, my mind fully engaged despite the early hour. There would be no use in trying to go back to sleep now.

  I threw on a t-shirt and jeans, and headed out the front door. After jogging down three flights of stairs, I started to walk. The spring air was warm, bringing with it temperatures in the mid to high eighties at the peak of the afternoon. A reddish-orange hue had slowly crept up on the horizon as I followed the path to the fountain. The fountain, which was nothing more than a glorified piece of twisted metal (a modern art project crafted by local university students) had been dropped off in the center of the dog park I lived near. Consequently, it was the only place that served for quiet meditation within the vicinity.

  I sat on a bench, facing east. There was not another soul in sight. The radiant glow of the sun caused the fountain’s water to shimmer as it flowed over the obtuse angles. I clasped my hands together loosely, hunching over.

  Though I had spent the better part of two years working through the aftermath of my past, learning how to cope without my usual vices, the last six-weeks had thrown me on a new course entirely. It was like running in the dark…with vertigo.

  I hadn’t been expecting it. I hadn’t been looking for it. I hadn’t been waiting for it.

  Yet it came and found me anyway—or rather love had, breaking me, softening me, molding me. I stared into my hands, considering the callouses that had only recently scabbed over the tender skin beneath them. Yet, unlike my hands, which were familiar with the splitting, cracking, bleeding and the eventual re-healing process, my heart was not.

  I took a deep breath, hesitating. Though I believed in prayer, I knew no fancy words. I wasn’t a professional at speaking to God, and I certainly didn’t pretend to be. I didn’t know if there was a right or wrong way, but I did know that having something to believe in was a thousand times better than going through life with only myself to depend on.

  I closed my eyes, listening to the wind as it blew through the trees. Birds chirped and sang in the branches overhead, and in that moment I felt peace. I didn’t speak aloud; instead, I spoke with God as if He were an extension of my soul.

  Before I opened my eyes, my phone buzzed in my pocket.

  Miss Strawberry Shortcake: Though I usually relish in calling you a moron, this time, that label does not fit the crime. I’m sorry, too. P.S. You’ll always have a friend in me.

  I looked up to the skyline.

  “Thank You.”

  Charlie

  “Sugar, why are you pacing?”

  I stopped dead in my tracks. I was pacing. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Briggs would be here any minute to pick me up for the rehearsal dinner at the Sales Estate. It had been six long days since I’d seen the man. Between work, practice, wedding escapes with Tori, and Cody cashing in on his trip to Six Flags, the week had been full.

  “Oh, I just…needed to walk a bit. I’m playing my piece tonight at rehearsal, just have some nervous energy I guess,” I said, lying through my teeth.

  He eyed me suspiciously.

  These nerves had nothing to do with piano.

  “Well, you’ll do great, as always. Your mom and I are looking forward to hearing it tomorrow at the ceremony.”

  I smiled. Never had they lacked in their support for me, especially when it came to my piano. They had willingly paid for all my spendy tutors, sat in hard bleachers at my school talent-shows, and had arrived early to every boring recital I played in, and they had never complained. Without them, I would have probably stopped at Chopsticks when I was six.

  There was a knock at the door.

  He’s here.

  My dad went to the door while I raced back upstairs, remembering the purse I had traded out to go with my dress earlier.

  As I approached the entryway where they stood, I heard just the tail end of their quiet exchange.

  “…I gave you my word, sir. Nothing’s changed,” Briggs said.

  My dad’s hand rested on Briggs shoulder lightly as I heard him say, “You’re a good man, Briggs.”

  Briggs nodded to him once, and then abruptly stepped away from him when he saw me enter. Though I didn’t have any context for their words, I didn’t need it. Their lack of eye contact, along with the sudden uncomfortable silence, filled in the gaps for me. I didn’t have to be Nancy Drew to deduce that their pow-wow was meant to be private. I felt a rush of heat creep up my neck, warming my cheeks with embarrassment.

  Maybe it wasn’t about me…

  My dad flung the door open as Briggs gently touched my back to lead me out. He said nothing to me.

  Not. One. Word.

  Urgh…was awkwardness our new normal?

  “Bye, Dad,” I said calling over my shoulder.

  “Bye, sugar.”

  Briggs opened my door, making eye contact with me for the first time. When he did, my knees practically gave out. I was grateful for the seat directly behind me. I took a deep breath, reminding myself of my new Friendship Creed.

  When he got into the truck he seemed to relax a little, smiling at me briefly before starting the engine.

  “You look great tonight, Charlie,” he said, softly. “I’m sorry about that back there…we just had to finish up a conversation from earlier.”

  I nodded, hoping again that it had nothing to do with me.

  Stop being so narcissistic!

  “No, that’s fine, I understand,” I said, staring at his hand on his lap.

  How easy it would be to reach over and…

  “I’ve been looking forward to this all week. Texting is fine, but it’s good to see you,” he said. I knew what he meant, and I agreed wholeheartedly. It was easy to reconcile over text, but the true test was in seeing each other face to face for the first time after the awkwardness.

  Like the running-into-his-arms-begging-to-be-kissed kind of awkwardness.

  I smiled, “I’ve been looking forward to it, too.”

  He reached over to pat my knee before bringing his hand back over to his own again. A tiny spasm rippled in the base of my belly.

  Everything is going to be fine.

  We can be friends, normal friends.

  Briggs

  I didn’t need a reminder of what I had agreed to with Charlie. That reminder came to mind as frequently as the breaths I took, but I swallowed down my pride and answered Chief anyway. I knew he only wanted to protect her—a common goal between us.

  But my heart stopped cold when she had entered the room.

  I silently prayed that she hadn’t been close enough to hear his question to me, but I couldn’t bring myself to look at her face for confirmation. I knew if she had heard, she wouldn’t hold back. Charlie was too much of a spitfire to let something like that go. I waited for her explosion, but it didn’t come, much to our relief.

  If Charlie had walked in five seconds earlier…

  I didn’t want to think about that. We were on the road to starting over—as friends, with boundaries in tact. To reveal my feelings now would only compromise that. And even if she felt the same way, I knew I couldn’t be the one responsible for pulling her away from the future she had worked so hard for. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.

  While she had walked with me in driveway, my eyes finally took her in. Her pink sundress and heels, her white sweater draped over her arm, she was a vision. I sorted through a mental list of compliments that seemed safe.

  I patted her knee briefly, denying my desire to hold her hand.

  Just like I was denying my desire to hold her heart.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Charlie

  I had been involved in several weddings before this, but nothing—and I mean nothing—could have prepared me for the chaos that was this rehearsal. I saw Tori right away, cornered by at least five women who were all talking at her in shrill voices at the same time. As Briggs joined the other groomsmen, I felt a rescue was in order for my new friend, the bride.

  “Hey Tori, don’t you have some special instructions
for me before I head over to the piano?”

  I raised my eyebrows at her so she would understand what I was really asking, and with a look of sheer desperation, she broke away from the posse.

  She grabbed my arm and whispered, “You may have just saved my life, Charlie—or theirs!”

  I laughed. “Maybe I should just hide you until you’re actually needed?”

  She sighed, “I think everyone is finally here, so hopefully we can start this whole production soon. Betty was just going over her final notes, you know, the ones I’ve heard about four hundred times.”

  I looped her arm through mine as we walked over to where the band would be playing. A stage had been set up not too far away from where the ceremony was to take place. Twinkle lights and lampposts were everywhere. The entire yard—if one could call acres of land a yard—looked like Cinderella’s Castle had emptied itself onto it.

  There were crews of men and women everywhere I looked. Some of the crews were on the grass, some on ladders, some knee-deep in the koi pond, and some on the deck, each busily working away.

  It was stunning to watch the transformation that was happening here.

  “Well, I will be your protector from all these crazies tonight,” I said firmly, continuing to glance around.

  With that, Miss Calm-and-Collected herself started to giggle. I had never heard Tori laugh like that—it was quite contagious. In a matter of seconds I was giggling too. She caught her breath and wiped at her watering eyes.

  “Charlie…you are…the smallest person here! That…is the funniest thing…I’ve heard all week!”

  Tori had caught the attention of several others, and soon we had a group around us, the exact opposite of my protect-Tori-plan. Kai and Briggs were among them, asking what the joke was. I pressed my lips together, refusing to admit the reason for her explosion of giggles. Tori, however, couldn’t resist. She explained how I had rescued her from the Mom and Coordinator Mafia, and offered to protect her for the night.

  Briggs literally choked on his laughter.

  Sure, I was short alright, but really? Really?

  “Geesh…y’all act like I’m as useful as an Oompa Loompa! I can hold my own, really I can!” I said, putting my hands on my hips, trying to keep the smile from my lips.

  Briggs dropped his arm on my shoulders, “Oh yes, you are a certified mini-ninja if ever I saw one.”

  Briggs

  Walk like this.

  Stand like this.

  Turn like this.

  Exit like this.

  Weddings were a bore, but at least the ambiance was excellent. While we were pushed and pulled by Betty-the-Brute, I got to watch Charlie play. She rehearsed her song several times as we practiced the walk-in over and over. Each time, she captivated me with her grace.

  Would she ever stop leaving me breathless after she played?

  Probably not.

  And I didn’t want her to.

  Charlie was assigned to a different table than me during the dinner, a non-wedding party table. Betty-the-Brute had seen to that. However, that fact did not keep me from texting her under the table all night. I felt like I was in the fourth grade again writing notes in my desk, only now the risk/reward odds played heavily in my favor. The only thing better than texting with Charlie, was watching her read my texts. That, was an added bonus.

  Me: This is lame sauce. We should ditch…you in?

  Miss Strawberry Shortcake: You are quite possibly the worst best man ever! You should be expelled from your position for even suggesting such a thing J. Although, I can think of hundreds of things I’d rather be doing than listening to Betty drone on about tomorrow’s schedule…

  Me: Don’t even get me started on that. I think a fork to the eye would be better than this.

  She laughed out loud and then clasped her hand over her mouth. I looked away, innocently, doing my best to keep a straight face. She was gonna hate me for that.

  I hoped I could get her to do it again.

  Miss Strawberry Shortcake: Jerk! You did that on purpose.

  Me: What? Never.

  I smiled at her. She shook her head at me, smiling too.

  Miss Strawberry Shortcake: You know, you need to come up with a new contact name on my phone…this “hottie who lives above your garage” one no longer applies to you.

  Me: Well it better not apply to anyone else either, or we might have an issue when I drop you off tonight.

  She bit her lip, trying to conceal her smile.

  An all-too familiar ache radiated in my chest, bringing with it a choke-hold of loss around my heart. Her smile faded as she stared at me from across the sea of tables between us. I turned my head away, doing my best to hide what I knew was written all over my face.

  You’ve wrecked me, Charlie Lexington, and your love is my only fix.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Charlie

  The big day had finally arrived.

  Due to our different roles in the wedding, Briggs and I had agreed to drive separately today. He had to be on site—as Betty had put it—for pictures a few hours before I needed to arrive. As it turned out, the extra time at home was filled rather quickly as Professor Wade called for the second time in twenty-four hours.

  I had run out of excuses, he needed my answer.

  As I slipped into the champagne-colored gown that Stacie had picked out for me, I was in awe as I walked toward the mirror. I had tried it on for fitting purposes, but with my hair and makeup now done, it didn’t seemed like the same dress. It was positively the most beautiful thing I had ever put on my body. The long, silk slip dress was floor length, even with my heels on. The neckline scooped just under my collarbone, leaving my shoulders bare as the thin spaghetti straps crisscrossed behind my neck, down to my mid-back. My hair I wore in a loose up-do, soft curls cascading down from the crown of my head, leaving the ends to brush the nape of my neck.

  After one final glance at my reflection, I grabbed an ivory wrap from my closet to take with me just in case. I was fairly sure I would be fine without it, considering it was in the high eighties today, but I would rather be on the safe side when it came to Texas weather.

  With that, I was out the door and headed to the wedding.

  **********

  The stage that housed the piano and the rest of the hired-out musicians, was only a few yards from the bridge where Kai and Tori would say their vows. It was the same bridge where they first met, when Tori had first moved back to Dallas. I had gushed profusely when Tori had told me that.

  Their story was a beautiful one. As a method of distraction after the whole skydiving fiasco where I had made a complete and utter fool of myself, Tori had decided it would be a good time tell it to me. I think she had figured out pretty quickly that I wasn’t going to be much of a talking companion on the ride home that day. She had given me space, not pushing me to explain my feelings, and I had been grateful since I couldn’t even define them for myself.

  Tori was by far the least invasive person I knew, yet it was that same quality which continued to assure me that I could trust her with anything. Her motives were never self-seeking, and that in and of itself was refreshing.

  I smiled again at the thought of this special day; I couldn’t wait to see her as a bride.

  Perfection was everywhere I looked as I made my way onto the stage. The crews of chaos that had covered the outdoor space in droves yesterday were no more. Instead, an enchanted sense of wonderment and peace filled the property. Beauty was all around me.

  The ceremony was set to start in just over an hour. Tori had asked if I would play while her guests were seated in addition to the processional piece I had composed. Of course, I had obliged. I sat down on the bench, smoothed out my dress, and started to play.

  Briggs

  I didn’t see her until it was time to walk in for the processional, but I had heard her playing for some time before that. As people around me commented on how beautiful the music was, I secretly reveled in the fact that
I knew the soul who played it. But as I walked in with Stacie on my arm, nothing in this world could have prepared me for what I saw on that stage.

  Charlie looked positively angelic.

  Once in my assigned position, I was pleased to discover I had an unobstructed view of her at the piano. When the song changed, indicating the bride’s entrance, I had to peel my eyes away from Charlie.

  Tori was a gorgeous bride, no doubt about it. Her eyes were focused on Kai as she made the long walk down nature’s aisle, her dad at her side. I glanced at Kai, feeling a strong sense of pride swell in my chest at the thought of him as a husband. There was no better fit for either of them.

  This union was right, in fact, it was as perfect as they came.

  I fought the desire to watch Charlie throughout the entire duration of the ceremony, but since she already thought me a lousy best man, I did my best to focus during the vows.

  Finally, it was time for the kiss.

  The cheers and claps from a few hundred guests rang out as Kai dipped his bride low, planting a kiss on her mouth. And that was that. My two best friends were married. The band started to play an upbeat song as we made our way back down the aisle, exiting just as Betty-the-Brute had instructed.

  The ceremony may have been over, but the massive crowd was causing some major interference with my Charlie-radar. After a few dozen photo-ops, and several formal introductions, I was ready to find my date.

  It proved an easy task.

  Charlie

  I loved weddings.

  The fact that I now held the baggage of an ex-wedding date along with an ex-fiancé did not deter my love for what this day represented for my new friends. I listened to every word spoken, took in every detail, and even shed a few tears when Kai dipped Tori and kissed her, sealing their union. I think I could do this every weekend and never tire of it.