All She Wanted (Letting Go)

by Deese, Nicole

  “Hey, I forgot to tell you, Stacie bought you a gown. She got you two different sizes cause she wasn’t sure…but she is certain the coloring will be perfect for your hair and skin tone!” Tori said, doing her best impersonation of Stacie. That got me out of my head for the moment, it was pretty funny.

  “She didn’t have to do that, I was planning on getting something,” I said.

  “No, you don’t understand. Stacie needs to go to fashion rehab. She is a freak about this stuff. Getting your gown was probably the highlight of her week.”

  I laughed again. I was excited to see it.

  “I’ll bring it by the house next week.”

  We pulled into one of the largest fields I had ever seen, and then I saw the tarmac…and the plane.

  And three bodies I distinctly recognized climbing aboard it.

  Oh dear Lord, what has Briggs done now?

  Briggs

  Kai had been a good sport about the blindfold until the last five minutes of our hour-long drive. I was honestly surprised that he’d lasted that long. His guesses had included: hunting, shooting, golfing (laughed at that), white water rafting, and every sporting event known to mankind, but he had not guessed right.

  Even with our scheduled appointment time, we would likely be waiting for a while. I had cleared my plan with Tori first, more afraid of her reaction than Kai’s, but she had been great about it—as usual.

  Kai yanked at his blindfold when Jack’s Jeep came to a stop. We both stared at him, gauging his reaction.

  “What the…?”

  We watched as he sorted out his surroundings—putting two and two together.

  “You’re taking me sky-diving?”

  Both Jack and I started laughing hysterically at the shock on his voice, after a only a few seconds, Kai joined in. “Dude…no way! I can’t believe you guys did this! I would have never guessed…” He looked around again in disbelief.

  “Are you…alright with this?” I asked.

  He smiled—that was all the assurance I needed.

  As we got out of the Jeep he hit me on the back, laughing again. “This is gonna be awesome…nothing like taking the plunge before I take the plunge,” Kai said.

  “Hey…that was supposed to be my line!” I yelled over the noise on the tarmac.

  Jack and I had both jumped tandem before, but this would be Kai’s first time. We had talked about doing this together years ago, but never got around to it. I was glad now that we had waited for such a memorable occasion.

  “You’re gonna be hooked after this, Kai. It’s like nothing I can even describe,” Jack said.

  We walked into the office and checked-in. After watching the mandatory instructional video and signing our lives away, we waited.

  I texted Tori to let her know my best guesstimate on our jump time, that part I was keeping a surprise. Kai would be thrilled to know that she had watched.

  She texted me when she arrived, right on time.

  Perfect.

  Our names were called.

  This is it.

  Charlie

  “Oh my gosh, that’s them! They’re going to jump out of an airplane, Tori!” I yelled, nearly bursting out of my skin with nerves. I covered my mouth, watching the plane ascend higher and higher into the horizon.

  I felt sick to my stomach.

  “I know, awesome, huh? I kinda wish I was up there with them; Kai is going to love it. He is such an adrenaline junkie…well, so are Jack and Briggs for that matter. They’re really a pretty scary trio when I think about it,” she laughed.

  I laughed too, only it was of the high-pitched hysteria variety. I could actually feel my face start to crack from the spasms going through it. My eyes watered, unsure of what emotion they should be preparing for. I looked at Tori again; she represented everything calm and serene, I was pretty much the opposite side of that spectrum.

  If I wasn’t so busy freaking out, I would likely be embarrassed of myself.

  She’s a trauma nurse—she gets paid to be calm.

  I didn’t know what to do with my body, my hands, or my mouth. I was one big nervous ball of energy. I started bending at the knees over and over, fixating my eyes on the plane above. Tori turned her head to me then, eyeing me suspiciously, but thankfully she didn’t say anything. I didn’t need a medical diagnosis to tell me that I was acting like a lunatic. I may only be a music major, but I was pretty sure I could diagnose myself. That fact did not deter my crazy antics in the slightest though.

  Briggs is up there. Briggs is up there. Briggs is up there.

  The heat in my chest was a constant flow of hot lava. I was certain it had to be doing permanent damage to my insides; my esophagus was likely charred already.

  And then…I saw the black specs.

  One.

  Two.

  Three.

  I was screaming, but I didn’t know it until Tori asked me if I was going to be alright. I had to stop my loud soprano hair-dryer noise in order to answer her, but as I did, I kept my eyes fixed on their falling bodies in the sky. I thought I would vomit in the sixty seconds it took for each of their shoots to open, but I didn’t. I made it. I pulled through.

  Seriously? You are not the one who just jumped out of an airplane!

  Their bodies finally hit the ground.

  Without so much as a word to each other, Tori and I were running toward them, both thinking the same thing. My emotions were wildly insane, but I didn’t care.

  I couldn’t wait to see Briggs, my concerns of yesterday no more.

  Briggs

  How do I describe free fall?

  BEST. SIXTY. SECONDS. EVER!

  And then I saw Charlie.

  And I was falling again.

  Charlie

  We yelled their names—okay, I might have yelled quite a bit louder than Miss Composure over there, but it did the trick. They saw us. Kai was the closest one to us on the field where they had landed, and was completely taken by surprise at the sight of Tori. He ran to her, lifting her up, and kissing her in mid-air.

  I slowed my run the second I made eye contact with Briggs, my heart slamming harder against my rib cage with every step I took toward him. He closed the gap between us quickly; his bulky jumpsuit and straps hanging off his body. I could feel the adrenaline coming off of him in waves.

  It was intoxicating.

  I want you.

  I knew the thought was mine, yet I knew with absolutely certainty that it was his, too. I could see it in his eyes. I could hear it in his mind. I could sense it from his body.

  He lifted me up like I was the size and weight of a paper doll and spun me around. I threw my head back and laughed, wrapping my arms tightly around his neck. I had never wanted his kiss more than in that moment. My spine tingled as I felt his breath on my neck, and then on my cheek, and then on my mouth.

  I was drowning in want.

  I begged for it with my eyes—pleaded even, but with a pained look, he simply slid me down his body instead, until my feet hit the ground again. His breathing was labored; as he lifted his hands to my face, and touched my cheeks.

  He held my gaze for days…weeks…months…

  And then, I was left wanting.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Briggs

  Blindsided.

  There was no other way to put it.

  I had just jumped out of an airplane! It was fair to say my defenses were down. When I saw Charlie running toward me a minute after I had landed, my first reaction was not to stay away from her. The words were written across her face, they were in her eyes, and on the lines of her mouth.

  I want you!

  I couldn’t tell where her want ended or where mine began. The words were burning a hole inside my chest before I had even reached her.

  And then…

  I ALMOST KISSED HER!

  I set her down, actively reminding myself of why I couldn’t have her; of all the reasons she couldn’t be mine. An eternity passed before I was strong enoug
h to drop my hands from her beautiful face.

  I saw confusion flash in her eyes as I pulled away, and then I saw something even worse: Rejection. I scrubbed my face hard enough to take off the first couple layers of skin.

  “Charlie, I don’t-”

  “Hey! So, how was it?” Tori asked, walking toward us, hand in hand with Kai.

  I couldn’t take my eyes off Charlie, she was hurt…and I was the reason.

  “It was great.” My response fell flat, drawing the attention of both Tori and Kai as they looked between Charlie and me.

  “Okay…” Tori said.

  Charlie turned then, walking back toward the parking lot.

  My heart sank.

  “Should I….uh?” Tori asked pointing at Charlie.

  I nodded. Tori didn’t hesitate; she was in stride with Charlie before I could have even verbalized the request. I wanted more than anything to be the one to comfort her, but I knew that was an impossible task. I was supposed to be creating boundaries, not confusion. I was failing miserably.

  I looked at Kai, trying to distract from my latest Charlie blunder, “Best fall of your life?”

  He smiled wide, Jack joining us a second later. “Pretty darn close, man.”

  Kai refocused his gaze to rest on Tori’s back as she walked with Charlie through the field, his meaning clear.

  There was no competition with falling in love, or being fallen for.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Charlie

  I was beyond mortified.

  Briggs had come over to my window before we pulled out of the parking lot, but I could hardly face him. I didn’t know how to fix what had just happened, mostly because I didn’t know what had just happened.

  All I knew was that I wanted to crawl in a hole and never come out—ever.

  How could I have been so wrong?

  For a brief moment I had been certain, certain that he felt what I had been feeling for weeks. That, apparently, was not the case.

  I was so tired of acting like a fool for the sake of love. What had I been waiting for? Whatever it was, it wasn’t coming. He didn’t hold back his thoughts—ever. He had expressed his feelings of friendship to me, and nothing more. Whatever our kiss had meant the night I told him about my past, there was no future to it.

  Briggs had made that clear today.

  I felt a tear slip down my cheek as I looked out the window of Tori’s car, my chest aching with each breath I took. I could handle the pain of mistaken love. I could even handle the rejection of an unwanted kiss. But I could not handle losing Briggs.

  I’d take a permanent friendship status over nothing at all.

  Whatever I needed to say to fix the awkwardness I had caused, I would.

  He was worth it.

  Briggs

  I will not be a kill joy. I will not be a kill joy. I will not be a kill joy.

  The cabin was already booming with life by the time we entered. We still had about three hours before sunset. Luckily Evan and Thomas had already gone out ahead and set up the paintball course. Everyone had chipped in, so the amount of ammo, guns and barricades we had at our disposal was obscene.

  Chief was manning the grill, as the food and drinks I had purchased the day before seemed to be making their way through the crew. While Kai was bombarded with questions about his skydiving experience, I made my way to a back bedroom and pulled out my phone. I had to connect with Charlie before this weekend could continue.

  No signal? You have got to be kidding me!

  “Is my life a joke?” I threw my phone on the bed.

  “I have wondered that same thing about your life…many times,” Evan said, smiling as he walked by in search of the restroom.

  “Very funny,” I mused.

  He laughed as I heard a door close down the hallway.

  This was going to be one very long twenty-four hours without mending what had happened earlier. How could I have been so stupid? Of course she was hurt! I was a millimeter away from kissing her…and then I suddenly shifted gears and put her on the ground like I couldn’t decide what I wanted!

  But that was the cruelest joke of all, there was no question as to what I wanted.

  I had to figure this out, I had to figure out how to have Charlie without having her.

  I couldn’t lose her.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Charlie

  The tiny green pills were scattered on the table beside mama’s bed. I knew never to swallow one, but not because anyone had told me. Somehow, I just knew. The morning had been cold—really cold, and I could feel the wind coming in from under the door and through the gaps in the windowpane. I shivered.

  Mama had been asleep for a long time. Though my fingers ached from the bitter cold, I picked up each pill I could find, and put them back inside the brown plastic bottle. I stared at her body, wishing I could be closer to her. Jenny had given me a hug before; she was full of hugging and kissing, even though I knew there was a lot of sadness inside her home, too.

  I wanted my mama to hug me and kiss me like that, to make me feel warm, to make me feel safe. I shook her body lightly with my hand. There was no response. Her breathing was quiet and soft like it always was when she slept, so I carefully climbed onto her mattress and pulled her quilt up to cover me too. Little by little I inched my body closer to hers till my front was facing her back. I made no sound.

  I closed my eyes, secretly wishing I could crawl to the other side of her and lay under her arm. I wanted to be held that way—just once, but that was too great a risk. If I had learned anything, it was to be thankful for any moment of good. And right now, lying next to my mama, life was good.

  **********

  I sat up in bed, rubbing my eyes as they roamed my dark bedroom. I lifted my phone, checking the clock. It was 4:49 a.m. I didn’t want to go back to sleep, that dream had been much too real—probably because it wasn’t a dream, it was a memory, a vivid one. I could recall colors, smells, and textures like it had happened only yesterday. That routine of mine I had executed countless times when mama had been too drugged to know I was even present at all. I had been so desperate for touch, so desperate for comfort and love, but she never knew my needs.

  She never knew me.

  She was severely depressed, mentally unstable—you can’t blame her for that.

  I threw the blankets off my legs, too exhausted for that internal debate at the moment. Why won’t these memories just vanish already? It was the question I had asked for years while in my therapist’s office. Hadn’t I done my work? Hadn’t I spent the time? What could possibly be left to rehash? My mama was dead, yet somewhere inside me, the lost, unwanted little girl, just couldn’t let her go.

  I put on a long-sleeved shirt, and slipped on my shoes before making my way through the house to the porch swing. I knew playing the piano at this hour would wake my mother, so I opted for the next best thing: Watching the sunrise.

  My dad was already at the station. He started every Monday with an early circuit-training workout.

  I hadn’t asked him too many questions about the big bachelor weekend last night when he came home, but he did say that Briggs and Jack had thrown quite the party. That little factoid had answered the question that had gnawed at me all weekend: What had Briggs thought about our awkward moment in the field on Saturday?

  I had been miserable during the last thirty-six hours, and shamefully, I had half-hoped he would have felt the same way, that maybe I wasn’t alone in my feelings. But it wasn’t only my dad who had confirmed that my wishful thinking had been in vain, Briggs had as well, in his own words. I sighed, picking up my phone to stare at the text again—the one I had already committed to memory.

  The hottie who lives above your garage: I’m sorry it’s so late, but I didn’t have coverage up at the cabin. I know things feel weird with us right now, and I am completely to blame for that. I want to be your friend, Charlie. I’m hoping I haven’t screwed that up…can you forgive me for being a moron? />
  And there it was in black and white—written proof.

  I want to be your friend, Charlie.

  Wasn’t it Briggs who had joked that texting was like writing under oath? I set the phone down, mentally berating myself again. True to his character, he was trying to protect me, let me down easy, point the finger of blame at himself instead of at me. But I was the one seeing things that weren’t really there.

  My attraction to him had muddied my vision of reality.

  It was me who had hoped for something more, me who had acted like an idiot by misreading his kindness toward me over and over again. This particular life lesson seemed to be stuck on repeat, and I was definitely ready for God to choose another. Anything else would be fine.

  I pushed the swing silently, the toe of my shoe straining to make contact with the deck as I watched the beginning of the sunrise.

  The last six-weeks had stretched me, challenged me, and forced me to think in ways I never had before. I was no longer the angry girl who needed to feel justified—or the broken girl who had built her life on quicksand. Instead, I was a girl who had finally let herself be known.

  And Briggs had been the one to crack me.

  I picked up my phone again as the sun broke out into a brilliant display of orange and red.

  I would be thankful for this moment of good.

  Briggs

  After a long night of cleanup at the cabin, I finally made it back to my apartment just after midnight. I was completely exhausted, but my desperation to reach out to Charlie took precedence. I told myself she most likely wouldn’t see it till the morning, but it hadn’t stopped me from checking my phone every other minute while I unpacked my truck.

  After a much needed shower, my body had finally succumbed to the pull of sleep.

  I woke up with a start, my bedroom still dark except for the grayish-blue hue coming through my window. It was nearly sunrise. I picked up my phone and checked for a message from Charlie: Nothing. I swung my legs over the side of the bed, resting my elbows on my knees as I rubbed the sleep from my eyes.