Hard to Hold On

by Shanora Williams

  I hope she doesn’t try and use the small weapon she has against me and Natalie. What Sharon and I did was nothing. What happened was a mistake. I can’t even remember the damn night because I was pissy drunk but I know for sure she opened up to me and begged for me to take her back. I refused and since then she hasn’t left me alone. Since that night, she’s been like a leach on my back that I can’t seem to get rid of.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Natalie

  I’ve been writing all day and now I’m in need of a break. I just can’t help how I feel right now. It sucks to know maybe Nolan was right. I knew he didn’t want to destroy what was between us but I let one phone call manipulate me into believing that he had cheated on me. That assumption is what got me in this far with Tyler. If it weren’t for his friend answering and saying Nolan was with his ex, I wouldn’t have gone to Tyler’s party and I never would have made out with him. I never would have wanted to move on but I’m so confused about Nolan. I’m partially glad that I’ve stopped wallowing because if he has cheated on me with someone like Sharon, I’m not taking him back. I refuse to be the dumb, helpless girl again. Those days are over.

  Grabbing a blanket, I place it over my legs and turn the TV on. The front door swings open about five minutes after and Harper steps in. At first sight of me, she sighs, placing her keys and purse on the coffee table. “You look lost beneath that blanket,” she says as she sits beside me.

  “I’m just comfortable.”

  “No. What’s wrong? Dawson told me Nolan stayed when he came to pick me up for lunch.”

  Sighing, I tuck my legs beneath me and look at her. “I’m so confused, Harp. Tyler came over while Nolan was here—” She gasps but I don’t allow her to speak. “And he brought up the party and how I went upstairs with him while Nolan was right in front of us.”

  “What?” Her face creases negatively. “Why would he do that in front of him?”

  “I don’t know. It’s like he automatically knew who Nolan was and tried to get rid of him.” I grab her hands and she stares down at them for a moment before looking up at me. “Brittany told me something about Tyler earlier and right after I ran into Nolan’s ex, Sharon. It’s been a weird day for me.”

  “What did she say about him? And why the fuck is his ex in Miami? Doesn’t she stay in California?”

  “That’s what I’m trying to figure out! I don’t know why the hell she’s here.” I sigh, pulling my hands away to fold my fingers. “Brittany used to date Tyler but she told me something happened to her while she was with him. She says he can be very sweet but also very untrustworthy.”

  Harper’s glassy eyes glisten from the glow of the television screen. “How? Tyler is one of the coolest guys in Miami.”

  “I don’t know. I thought that as well and I don’t want to assume anything or go off of someone else’s judgment. He took me out for ice-cream earlier and we talked about what he had said to Nolan. He apologized a million times and I started to feel bad. I didn’t think I’d like him this much, but I do.”

  “So you’re just gonna ditch Nolan for Tyler?”

  I shake my head. “No—well I don’t know. I’m confused about Nolan. I don’t know why his ex-girlfriend is here. She told me she and Nolan were more than friends in California. They were spending time together. I know it could have happened while we were on our break but it just confuses me that he would actually mess with another girl when he told me he didn’t want to deal with anyone else’s emotions outside of his own. Considering how drunk Nolan was getting over there, she may have been telling the truth. He could have been doing anything over there.”

  “Wow. You’ve got a sticky situation.” Her lips press as she stands. “I say sleep on it. Maybe call Nolan and talk to him about it?”

  “He’s not answering my calls. I called as soon as Tyler dropped me back off.”

  “Oh.” Harper’s lips twist as she takes a step back. “Damn it, Nat. You’ve confused me. You can’t have both. Keep calling Nolan until you can figure out what’s really up. Communication is key, remember? It’s what you always tell me.”

  I force a smile because she’s right.

  “Get some sleep. It’s late. I know you’re stressed but tomorrow will be a new day. On the bright side, you’ll know who’s really meant for you when all of this dramatic shit is over with.”

  She winks and then makes her way to her bedroom with a loud yawn. Her door clicks shut and I stand. I pull my phone out of my back pocket and turn for the balcony. Sliding the door open, the breeze whips against me but it feels nice, considering how flushed and bothered I am.

  I call Nolan’s phone but of course he doesn’t answer. It’s starting to make me nervous. I’ve never been this confused before. I know I’ll take Nolan over Tyler any day but if he’s been talking to his ex, I don’t think I can handle it.

  I can understand how he feels, though. To know someone else is touching me has to be killing him. To know some other girl might have been touching him is destroying me. I want him for myself but I don’t know if I will be able to trust him if he and Sharon actually had something going on while we were dating.

  By this rate I don’t know if our relationship is going to survive.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Nolan

  I haven’t talked to Natalie in a week. It’s been a long ass week, too. I don’t like knowing she’s with someone else but I’ve been trying to occupy myself with working. I’ve been picking up double shifts and whenever I couldn’t get one, I’d go to the gym to work out.

  A part of me knows I don’t deserve her but a part of me knows she’s all that I want. I’ve changed. I guess Dawson was right about that one. It wasn’t like me to chase after a girl constantly but with Natalie it’s different. No one’s been on my mind this much before outside of my mother and father.

  A knock comes from the front door, interrupting my guitar strum. Placing my guitar down, I make my way to the door and swing it open. At the sight of Harper, I frown. “You’re late.”

  “I got caught up with shopping,” she snaps. “Don’t be a baby.”

  “Whatever.” I let her in and she shuts the door behind her.

  “You’ve changed the place,” she says, stepping forward to look at the picture frames on the wall.

  I grab my guitar to strap it around me again. “Where’s Natalie?”

  “Out with . . . you know who.” She glances over her shoulder to look at me and then turns around. She takes a seat on the sofa across from me but I keep my gaze down and allow my fingers to work. The melody is soft, slow. It causes Harper to actually shut up and listen.

  “That’s nice. What’s the title?”

  “Broken,” I murmur without looking at her.

  “Oh.” I look up and her eyes have saddened. She sits forward as if she’s ready to speak and I stop playing to look at her.

  “Why can’t you just tell her to leave him alone?” I ask.

  “Because I can’t tell her what to do. I’ve tried to bring up conversations about you but she always brushes me off and starts another subject. She’s my best friend, Nolan. I have to support her regardless of her decisions.”

  “But I was with her first, Harper. She was better with me.” She bites on her bottom lip and silence seizes the room. “Am I wrong?” I ask, my head tilting as I observe her guilty features.

  “Tyler is a nice guy. He’s been coming around every day this week and she’s been . . . happy. At first I thought it was just a front but after a while I’m seeing that it’s become kind of real. She’s smiling again . . . foreal this time.”

  My heart stops. I look away from Harper and force myself to bite on the angry tears. “Has she asked about me?”

  “She asks Dawson about you every day. He doesn’t know what to tell her since you’ve been ignoring his calls, too. She thinks you’ve moved on with Sharon.”

  “I haven’t seen Sharon in a week.”

  “Why the hell is she even down here?�
��

  I shrug as I stand to my feet. “I don’t fucking know. I’ve been trying to avoid her. She told Natalie something but I can’t figure it out.”

  Harper stands with me, shaking her head. Tucking a lock of hair behind her ear, she straps her purse onto her shoulder and makes her way to the door. “Look, I have to get going. I don’t have all afternoon so I’ll just be upfront and honest with you,” she sighs. “You aren’t trying and I think it’s because you don’t want to be denied. You’re afraid that if you talk to Natalie, she’ll reject you so you’re trying to leave it in the air. If there’s one thing I know about Natalie, it’s that she knows what she wants. If she calls you again, pick up your damn phone—no actually how about you call her. Tell her you’re coming over and that you want to talk about it or something! Make her realize where her heart really is. She’s confused right now and with you leaving things in the air, it’s making the situation worse, Nolan. Believe it or not, she needs to hear from you right now. Not talking to her isn’t helping.”

  Her blue eyes look me over from head to toe and then she swings the door open. “There’s a party tonight and she’ll be there. I’ll text you the address . . . just make sure you actually look presentable. You look like complete shit right now,” she scoffs.

  Laughing, she shuts the door behind her while I look down at my brown basketball shorts and my white T-shirt. My hair isn’t gelled but I don’t think I look that bad.

  But she’s right about one thing. I have to go for Natalie. I can’t let Tyler win. She hit it right on the nail. I don’t want to be rejected so I’ve been keeping it open. I don’t want an open relationship. I have to shut it again and the only way I can do that is if I get Natalie to talk to me alone.

  I just hope it actually works.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Natalie

  I pull out my mascara with a sigh before staring into the mirror. Tyler’s having another party tonight and I’m sort of excited to see him but something has been telling me to check in with Nolan again. I know he’s sick of seeing my name pop up on his screen but he should be calm by now. He should have thought it over.

  I was thinking it would be too much to go to his apartment and bang his door down but while thinking it, I didn’t care. If beating his door down would get him to listen, then I would have done it. But I didn’t. I knew it would lead to more drama and another argument. I’ve decided to actually give him his space again and continue to hope he’ll call me back one of these days.

  I feel terrible for leading Tyler on but I don’t want to break it off so soon. He’s a really nice guy and I know it’s wrong of me to use him as a distraction but I don’t mind him being around. I’m glad he isn’t looking for a relationship. We’re more like friends . . . with benefits. He isn’t looking for anything serious and neither am I so it’s made everything much easier for me.

  I don’t need to commit again. I don’t want to unless it’s with Nolan. He’s the only person I can see myself with now. He’s the first person I think of when my eyes open. When I’m lonely at night, he’s the one I want to be with. Between his arms is where I want to be when there’s a hole in my chest that needs to be filled but I’ll most likely have to change this scenario if he keeps avoiding me.

  After applying mascara, I turn the lights off and go for my keys. I check the hall mirror once more, tucking a loose tendril behind my ear. Harper dyed my hair jet-black last night and I love it. It was time for something new. I swore to myself I was going to become a new Natalie and I had never changed my hair color before so I went for it. Of course Harper brought it to my attention but I agreed so this proves something has changed within me.

  My hair is straight, silky, and against my shoulders. I’ve decided to go with dark skinny-jeans, a white belly shirt, and gold jewelry. Harper went with Dawson to the party and I know I’m late so I rush out of the door, lock it behind me, and then hop into the elevator.

  ****

  The party is live, more packed than last the last time. I can see the lights from outside. They’re bouncing off the walls in various colors and I can even hear yelling and laughter. I park my car and hop out, ready for a good party.

  A few people are on the porch chatting with plastic red cups in hand. Some are near the lake making out. At the sight of them, it brings back memories of the sex Nolan and I had on the beach beneath the dock right after he fought my best friend Mark. My stomach flips as I grab the door knob and step in.

  The heavy scent of sweat fills my lungs and the first thing I see is people dancing, either alone or against one another. Most of the people in the room have plastic red cups in hand which most likely contain liquor.

  As I scan the living room, I spot Dawson and Harper dancing. Her eyes are shut and her hips are completely glued against his groin. There is literally no space between them. Dawson runs his hands up her bare thigh and her head falls back. She grips a lock of his long blonde hair and he kisses her neck. They’re performing a damn show on the dance floor but I’m the only one who seems to notice.

  I laugh as I watch them. I won’t kill her moment. She and Dawson seem to be having fun and now it’s my turn. I turn my head slowly and look towards the kitchen. I don’t know where Tyler is but I don’t want to run into him until I have something in my system. Pushing through the crowd, I hurry for the kitchen and as soon as I’m in, I see someone who shouldn’t even be here.

  Standing in front of the counter with a cup in his hand and a smile on his lips is Nolan. He has on a fitted black T-shirt that sticks to every crease of his upper body. His jeans are snug against his waist and his hair is gelled in the sexy, purposely messy way that always drives me crazy.

  I come to a sudden halt, looking at him from head to toe. In front of him is a girl with dark hair and a drink in her hand. When I see her smiling up at him, something pinches inside of me and I march ahead. I take a few steps forward, pushing through the people who are in my way until I reach them.

  Nolan’s grey eyes widen at the sight of me. His eyes start from my new hair color and then down to my cleavage. He scans me intensely and I bite on my lower lip with a fidget. Swallowing, I stare into his eyes and he places his cup down on the counter in front of him. “Natalie,” he breathes over the music. The girl standing in front of him scowls at me before walking away. I’m glad she knows she’s in no competition.

  Nolan’s head tilts and he brings his hands up to touch my arm. My breath catches and I force myself to take a step back. “Is there any way we can talk?”

  “Talk about what, exactly?”

  “Everything, Nolan. You’ve been ignoring me.”

  “There’s plenty of time to talk later,” he says, leaning in to place his lips against my ear. He picks his cup back up and hands it to me. “Come on.”

  Instead of arguing, I take the cup and the hand he offers and we make our way through the crowd to get to the dance floor. My emotions are all over the place but what I’m feeling most is a thrill. A small shrill of happiness. I love this. His hand against mine. That small smirk on his lips as he passes each guy in the crowd who can’t seem to look away from me. I guess the new hair color has worked wonders.

  Spinning around, Nolan stares down at me with the softest grey eyes ever. A smirk is still on his lips and his head is still tilted. It’s driving me insane so I gulp my drink down to keep myself in check. He places my cup on a table nearby then turns me around. My butt presses against him and he groans in my ear, burying his nose through my hair. Heat tingles the skin on my neck, causing me to step backwards and press my hips in between his. Hooking an arm around me, he clings onto my middle and begins to move.

  “Remember the first day we met,” he says in my ear.

  Heat ignites and I nod recklessly. “Yeah.”

  “You were like nothing I’d ever seen before. Sexy. Unique. Sweet.” My hips begin to move with his as he murmurs in my ear. It’s a huge turn on and right now all I want to do is drag him upstairs. “What ha
ppened to us, Bunny? I want it back. I want you back.”

  “I do, too, Nolan.”

  He turns me around and his hand cups my ass. “Then why did you move on so fast?” he asks staring into my eyes.

  Pressing my hand against his chest, we begin to rock back and forth and I feel him growing harder. I lick my lips and he brings his head down to place his lips against my neck. I literally melt on the inside. My core is overheating. “I didn’t move on,” I say. “I was just waiting on you.”

  “That’s a lie. I’ve been waiting for you, babe.”

  “I can’t tell. I thought you were mad at me. I thought you never wanted to talk to me again.”

  “I still might be a little upset, but I know we need to talk to clear things up. I want this to work more than anything. I love you, Natalie.”

  He pulls back to look into my eyes but mine remain wide. His hand is still cupping my ass. His lips are near and I want to kiss him so badly, but would it be right? Will it still feel the same? I’m curious to know.

  I inch in closer just as he does and everything outside of us seems to slow down. Everything outside of us is a blur. The lights, the music. All I can hear is the bass of it. All I can feel is him against me, holding onto my waist and most likely never wanting to let go. There’s a magnet between us and it’s heavy, powerful. I don’t want our magnets to turn in the opposite direction and push one another away again.

  “Natalie?” someone calls, interrupting us.

  Blinking, I turn my head to my right to face Tyler. In an instant, I pull away with wide eyes but Nolan tries to cling on.

  “Oh, Tyler,” I breathe.

  “I was looking for you,” he says, looking from me to Nolan who is scowling at him. “I’m sorry I didn’t answer my phone. I had to go pick up some beers and I left my phone here.”