Hard to Hold On

by Shanora Williams

  “I understand,” I nod.

  His lips press together as he nods as well. “Can I steal her away from you?” Tyler asks Nolan.

  Nolan’s mouth clamps shut and then he pulls away from me. Lifting his hands, he shrugs while taking a step back but his jaw ticks countlessly. “Be my guest.”

  “Thanks—and I’m sorry for pushing the wrong button with you last week. No drama tonight. Just fun.”

  “Yeah,” Nolan says, his smile dry. “Right. No drama.” He looks from Tyler to me with eyes as hard as steel and then makes his way through the crowd. I watch until he disappears and then look at Tyler who’s smiling with his fingertips now tucked into his front pockets.

  “Was I interrupting something?”

  “Uh . . . no,” I lie. “How’s it going?”

  “Great. Just wanted to check in, you know? Kind of missed you.” Winking, he pulls me against him and I expect to feel the butterflies and the heat but I don’t. With Tyler it’s just not the same. No matter how much time I spend with him, there’s never the full spark I want to feel. I’m not as thrilled or as excited with him as I am with Nolan. With Nolan, there’s a fire that ignites throughout me. The fire is so strong that sometimes I can’t think straight. With Tyler . . . my mind isn’t as boggled.

  “Nat!” I turn around quickly, facing Harper who is grinning at me. I’m so glad she’s found me because being with Tyler at this moment—while my hormones are raging—is not good. I don’t want them to plummet. The drink I had is already getting to me and I want to continue to feel good, not have it go downhill. “Nat, did you see Nolan? He’s in the kitchen with Dawson.”

  “Yeah, I saw him, Harp.”

  She frowns. “Well what the hell are you still standing here for?” She looks at Tyler as if she’s just now seeing him and blinks quickly. “Oh, yeah . . . right. Hi, Tyler.”

  “Harper,” he sighs. “Look, you ladies have fun. I’ll go check on the house. Don’t want anything to get too messed up.” He forces a smile, winks, and then walks away.

  “Harper,” I whine as soon as he’s out of earshot. “Why would you say that in front of him? I already feel bad.”

  “And you should,” she frowns. “Nolan is here for you and you only. Don’t make him available. These girls are hounding him like horny bitches.”

  Sighing, I turn away from her and hurry for the kitchen. Sure enough, a girl is brushed against Nolan’s side and aiming for his attention but his gaze seems to be distant. In fact, he’s not even looking her way. I make my way towards him again and as soon as he spots me, he smiles. It’s faint but it’s a smile.

  “I think we should talk now.”

  He smirks, stepping away from the girl beside him. I grab his hand and this time I lead the way out. I push through the crowd, heading for the stairs and hoping I don’t run into Tyler. I want alone time with Nolan right now and I don’t want any interruptions. I just want it to be Natalie and Nolan. No one else outside of us.

  I go for the bedroom with an open door and turn the light switch on. Nolan shuts the door behind us, locks it, and then turns around to look at me. The bass of the music is faint but I’m glad I can still hear it because the silence between us is about to pass for awkward.

  Nolan finally makes his move. Taking slow, gradual steps towards me, he reaches a hand up and runs it through his dark hair. His shirt rises and I catch a glimpse of his firm abdomens before he drops his arm and stops less than an inch away from me.

  His head tilts, and he moves his head in closer, our lips almost touching. I can feel him breathing evenly. I can feel the heat radiating from his body. “I don’t think you realize how much you actually mean to me, Natalie. I don’t like to see you with him.”

  “Well that won’t change until you tell me what went on with you and Sharon.” He blinks and pulls back a little, thinking on it. What’s there to think about? Obviously if he’s hesitating to answer he must’ve done something. “Actually, I don’t know if I want an answer right now. I don’t know if I can handle hearing it,” I say, shaking my head.

  “Well I want to tell you anyway. We have to make this work.”

  “Will I be mad?”

  “You might be, and you might not be.” He pulls me in by my belt loop and his knuckles brush against my stomach. My belly coils and my legs stiffen as he places his lips against my neck. He takes small steps forward and I take a few back until my back bumps against the nearest wall and then his hands grab at my hipbone. He picks me up in one swift gesture and groans as he presses his lips against my collarbone. “We’re not ending, Natalie. Never. I don’t care what I have to do to keep you, I will. I don’t care what I have to go through to keep you with me. You’re mine.”

  A moan catches in my throat as he kisses me. One of his hands move from my thigh to one of my breasts. As he cups it, he groans. His arousal presses through my jeans and feeling it causes heat and moisture to trickle down and touch my panties.

  “Have you had sex with him?” Nolan asks me, his voice husky.

  I frown as his lips trail down to my neck. “Nolan—”

  “Don’t lie to me, Natalie.”

  “How is it your business? We aren’t dating.”

  “Just because we aren’t dating doesn’t mean we don’t have mutual feelings. Nothing’s changed between us. If he has, I want to take back what’s mine so answer me.” I seal my lips, shaking my head. In an instant, he leans his head back to look into my eyes. “Please,” he begs.

  “No. Damn it. I haven’t slept with him. I don’t want to sleep with anyone but you.”

  He smirks, his grey eyes brightening before he dives in for another kiss. Twisting around, he begins to lower himself until his knees are on the floor. There’s a perfectly good bed beside us but I don’t question it. It feels too nice to have him against me; to have his lips on my skin, his fingers crawling beneath my shirt as he lays me on the carpet.

  Nolan’s hands work their way down to my jeans and he unbuttons them. My back arches, allowing him to continue. He slides my jeans off before crushing my lips with his and I shut my eyes, ready to enjoy the feeling. I’ve wanted this for so long.

  His finger sneaks beneath my panties and slowly slides into me. I moan and he groans as he rubs the flesh between. I pull his head down to kiss him again—to keep the intimacy going. His tongue plays and coaxes mine. I hear his belt buckle jingle and he adjusts himself to get his pants down but our lips never part. He presses himself against me and my stomach tightens. I grip his T-shirt but he pulls back to tug it over his head.

  He glares down at me, as if I’m the only person on this entire planet he wants. He’s all that I want. I know he feels the same way. Leaning down, Nolan’s lips press against my neck and then kiss their way down to my breasts. He tugs my shirt over my head, pulls my bra down, and then licks my nipples. Heat sparks and I feel myself building up. My eyes squeeze shut from the erotic feeling. His mouth is like magic as it licks and sucks. He begins to move southward, and my legs tighten around him but he presses his palms against the inside of my thighs to keep me still and available to him.

  I look down, watching as he bites on his bottom lip while pulling my panties down. Quickly, his hot tongue slides out to touch my core and I gasp through my teeth as he swirls it around my sweet area. I can really feel myself building up now. I want nothing but him inside of me—nothing but his hard body against mine. I want to mold and fill the room up with our steam and sweat.

  My moans and pants pick up and then he pulls back. “Not yet,” he says against my lips.

  He presses against me, placing feathery kisses against my cheek. I hook my legs around his waist, practically begging for him to dive inside of me but he holds off. I swear I hate when he holds off. He crushes my lips and swallows my moans with urgency—with need. He then strokes inside of me and I gasp, allowing my head to fall back. We both know it’s been a while.

  “Shit, Natalie,” he hisses through his teeth. He grunts against my ear and
the rhythm picks up. The music is pounding against my back through the floor and with each beat, Nolan strokes into me harder and harder. He groans against my ear, cupping my ass, and allowing the strokes to deepen. I squeal as he goes harder and harder. I’ve missed this so much and by the pleasure that’s written all over his face, I know he has as well.

  His thumb rubs circles around me and I buck against him but he keeps a hand at my waist to keep me in place. The room spins around me and Nolan picks his speed up again. I didn’t think it was possible, but he does and with each stroke, I’m closer and closer to ecstasy. I’m closer to reaching my climax. Closer to feeling free.

  “Oh, shit, Natalie I’ve missed this so much,” he says through his teeth. His head then falls back and he lifts my hips so they aren’t touching the floor. I squeeze my legs around his waist because it’s coming—from the both of us. A scream screeches out of me and he grunts heavily, his hips still pounding against me, before falling against my chest. We explode, releasing a satisfying sigh.

  We pant heavily, our stomachs sinking and rising and our breath touching one another’s shoulders. I’m at an all-time high right now. It’s a familiar feeling I’ve missed. A feeling of being complete, whole. I’ve never felt this way with anyone but Nolan. Even when I was with Bryson, it never felt this way.

  Nolan lifts up slowly and his palms press against the carpet as he gazes down at me. A smile is on his lips and he finally looks himself again. There doesn’t seem to be any stress, anger, or anything negative and it’s how it should be but I know it’s all going to change in only a matter of minutes. We’re going to talk soon—really talk—and I’m ready for it. I’m tired of the secrets and the games. I’m tired of the rumors and the stupidity.

  I need to figure out if this struggle has been really worth it. I need to know if we’re really worth it. I need an answer now in order to know what to do from this moment on. I still don’t know if Nolan’s done anything with Sharon that may make me run away but I’ll find out tonight. Something just tells me he has, and I know I won’t like hearing it.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Nolan

  That felt good. Really good. I’ve been waiting to see her roll with pleasure ever since we’ve split. There are no words to describe how much I’ve missed her and her body. After we’re done, I help her to her feet and we get dressed. I glance over at her and she’s smiling which I’m glad for.

  “So, where are we going to talk at?” I ask her after pulling my shirt on.

  “Not here. Not while Tyler is around.” She gives me a side-glance and I sigh, watching as she buttons her jeans.

  “Well how about for now we party like there’s no tomorrow?”

  She looks up at me with a grin and I smile, offering my hand. She takes it and I lead her to the door. I didn’t think it was possible to love someone this much but I love her and I hate myself for putting her through hell for these past couple of weeks. Differences aside, I love Natalie and I’m glad she feels the same way. I’m glad I’m not too late.

  As soon as we’re downstairs I see Tyler scanning the room. He’s most likely looking for Natalie but I’m not handing her over. Not yet. Instead of going in his direction, I take her to the den where a few people are practically sitting in the dark. A few have drinks in hand and some are laid out. I see one spot available at the end of the couch and I grip Natalie’s hand while going for it. I sit and tug her on her arm but she frowns as she looks around. “You know I don’t bite, Bunny.”

  She bites on a smile and I spin her around. Her hips lower and she sits on the middle of my lap. Her warm vanilla scent fills my lungs and I breathe her in, hooking my arms around her middle, never wanting to let go. I wish I could take her right here, right now. She always feels good against me.

  She twists in my lap to look at me and a few streaking lights shine from the living room and touch her face. Her features are soft, humble. She isn’t stressing at all. I need her happy—complete. “I don’t want Tyler to see me all over you.”

  I frown, hearing his name come out of her mouth. “Why does it matter? Are you dating him?”

  “No.” Her head shakes quickly as she grips my hand. “It just feels rude and disrespectful, you know? He invited me here and he likes me a lot—”

  “Do you like him a lot?”

  “He’s sweet, Nolan.” She frowns as she looks down at me. “I didn’t think you were going to be here. I don’t want to be disrespectful to him by hanging with you all night.”

  I laugh dryly, shaking my head. “Natalie, do you realize how selfish you sound right now. You can’t have both of us, plus I came here to win you over. I’m trying to do the right thing. I need you back.”

  Her lips seal and her grip lacks from around my hand. The gesture causes me to look up at her. She’s no longer looking at me. Her gaze has drifted to her right.

  “Who do you want, Natalie?”

  She blinks but doesn’t bother to look at me. I bring a hand up to pull her hair back. I’ve noticed it’s darker. It makes her look sexier and—I didn’t even think that was possible. As I lean forward, I kiss her cheek and she finally looks at me.

  “How do I know if I can trust you again?” she asks.

  “How do I know if I can trust you to leave Tyler alone?” I counter.

  “I don’t want him. I want—” Her mouth clamps shut rapidly, her eyes expanding.

  “You want what?” I murmur against her ear. I know her answer. I just want to hear her say it. “Stop leading that guy on, Bunny. If you know what you want, just take it back already.”

  “That’s the problem,” she mutters. “I can’t just take you back when I don’t know if you’ve been faithful to me.”

  “Natalie, I didn’t cheat on you.”

  “But you did something with her, right?”

  I stare into her eyes for a brief moment before tearing my gaze away. “It was nothing to me.”

  She bites on her bottom lip and fidgets on my lap. Her head lowers and her hair falls, creating a curtain around her face. I pull her hair away again to see her. “I just don’t understand. What does she have to give that I don’t?”

  “Nothing! Natalie, I was drunk. I was upset that you were ignoring me. I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry that it’s been bothering you but it was just a kiss and I regret it more than anything. I can’t even remember it. I knew she was going to bring it up. I knew she was going to try and ruin us. She’s jealous and she’s upset that I don’t want her back. It was a mistake that I’ll never let happen again.”

  I grab her hand and bring it to my lips. I kiss her knuckles but she presses her lips together. “That’s what I mean, Nolan. If we are to get back together and possibly end up taking another break, how do I know you won’t go find some broad on the street to kiss or possibly fuck if it comes to that?”

  “I wouldn’t do that to you, Natalie.”

  “I mean you already have, Nolan. I don’t want to take you back that easily. You’ll think I’ll take you back every time you fuck up. I don’t want to put myself into situations like that anymore.” Sighing, she pushes from my lap to stand. “I think I’m just going to go grab another drink or something.”

  “Do you want me to come with you?” I ask, standing with her.

  Her head shakes, her gaze lowering. “No. I need time, Nolan.” She lingers in front of me for only a second and then turns around. With each step she takes away from me, I feel my heart cracking. I feel guilty for kissing Sharon but I know it wasn’t cheating. Natalie and I weren’t dating—and I was drunk.

  It was the week after Natalie left—when she was ignoring me. I felt so fucking vulnerable that I stooped as low as Sharon. I know it’s no excuse but I never would have done it if Natalie and I were still dating. She was around when I wasn’t thinking and not thinking led me into trouble—to Natalie walking away from me without looking back.

  She disappears within the crowd and I run a hand through my hair roughly. Swallowing the
lump in my throat, I make my way through to look for Dawson but he’s in the corner, whispering in Harper’s ear.

  I turn to my right and that’s when I spot Natalie again . . . only she’s talking to Tyler. She’s not against him or even in his arms but it’s just the fact that she’s talking to him. He’s trying to flirt and she’s forcing herself to laugh but I see the sadness behind her eyes. I notice the way she’s clinging to her beer and swallowing as if it will get rid of what she’s just heard me admit. Tyler hooks an arm around her shoulders and says something into her ear. She nods and then walks with him out of the front door.

  I force myself to remain calm. I won’t go after her. I trust her . . . but I don’t trust him. I trust nothing about him and I don’t like how he has his hands on her. I’m pissed that I can’t claim territory that isn’t mine right now. I can’t go after her since we aren’t dating. Technically, she’s single and so am I. She mentioned that she felt bad for him but I don’t understand why she can’t just break it off with him.

  Does she want to have someone around, just in case I fuck up again? Does she want someone to fall back on in case we don’t work out? Does she want us to just be friends and nothing else anymore? I can’t be “just friends” with her. It’s impossible with someone that I’m this in love with.

  I turn for the kitchen to grab another drink and return to the living room in a flash to see if she’s come back in. Pinning the sole of my shoe against the wall, I stare at the door, taking slow sips of beer, anxiously awaiting that front door to swing open.

  A few girls brush against me but I shake my head and wave them. The only girl I want against me is Natalie. None of the girls here can even compare. They’re all wasted and sloppy. I check the time on my phone and thirty minutes have passed. What the hell is she doing out there?

  I finally decide it’s time to check on her. I don’t want her kissing him after she’s been with me. I don’t want her alone with him at all. Passing through the crowd, I finally get to the door and swing it open.