The Wrong Goodbye tc-2

by Chris F. Holm

  As I approached the soul, I noticed its surface was crosshatched with scratches, and around it, the work surface was littered with tiny, glimmering shards. A fine layer of vaguely iridescent dust blanketed the lathe, glinting dully in the grime-caked nooks and crannies of the machine’s many knobs and gears. Too much dust to’ve been kicked up by this one soul. A shudder ran along my borrowed spine as I wondered how many tiny human moments had been reduced to dust at the hands of that fucking monster and his machine. I wondered if those souls could feel the pain of those moments’ absence as they whiled away forever in the depths of hell.

  I felt a sudden urge to destroy the implement that wreaked this havoc. It wasn’t enough that Psoglav had been reduced to cinder; I needed to ensure his subtle blade never parted memory from soul again. But as I cast about for it, I realized it was nowhere to be found. Not atop the lathe. Not on the floor around it. Not in the many pockets and loops that graced Psoglav’s discarded apron.

  It was then I realized I was not alone.

  Just a subtle crunch of foot on gravel. Topside, I might never have heard it, but down here, where all was still as death and stone walls amplified even the faintest of noises, it may as well have been a gunshot. But like a gunshot, I couldn’t quite tell from which direction it had come. The room was so shrouded in shadow, there were hiding places enough for a half a dozen would-be attackers, and as the sound bounced off the walls, it seemed to come from all of them at once. And it was that moment’s hesitation as my brain sorted out the likeliest spot for someone to hide that did me in.

  Don’t get me wrong; I got the answer right. The sound came from behind the squat bulk of the cistern. It’s where I would’ve hid. It’s where my assailant did. But the time I took to get to that conclusion was time enough for them to close the gap between us.

  I wheeled, too late. Electric pain as a white-hot needle pierced my neck. For a half-second, I wondered if it was the pain of Psoglav’s subtle blade. Then all of the sudden, I was a little girl.

  Yeah, I know how it sounds. But it’s the fucking truth. One minute, I’m getting ambushed in a demon’s lair, and the next, I’m on my belly underneath my bed —a darkened flashlight in my trembling hands, my heart racing beneath my favorite flannel nightgown.

  A creak of hardwood floor, and then another. Stocking feet beside the bed. Familiar. Familial. Adrenaline prickled through my system, chemical fear steeling my tiny frame. Whatever minuscule part of me was still Sam reflected back to another girl, another time —this one locked inside a wooden trunk in Amsterdam. But who she was, or how I knew her, I couldn’t recall. Those thoughts were too far from reach. Those memories belonged to someone else.

  The stocking feet shuffled away, my stalker leaving —or so I thought. I relaxed a little, my fear subsiding.

  Prematurely, it seemed.

  Rough hands, strong and calloused, grasped my ankles and dragged me from my hiding place. I let out a squeal of sheer terror as those same hands lifted me up off the floor and hurtled me toward the bed. For an endless second, I flew through the air as though gravity had no dominion over my tiny frame —my nightgown flapping, my pigtails trailing out behind me, the flashlight clattering to the floor. Then I hit the bed and bounced so hard it rattled on its frame, and sent stuffed animals flying in all directions.

  Dad was on me in a flash, roaring like a cartoon monster and tickling my ribs until I roared too, with laughter. I clamped my hands over my mouth, determined not to give him the satisfaction, but mischief glinted in his eyes, and he grabbed both my ankles with the crook of his elbow like a headlock, and set to tickling my feet. It was too much for me to take. I thrashed and thrashed, but his grip was like iron, and I couldn’t break free. I guess I must’ve been shrieking something fierce, too, because before long, Mom poked her head in, her frown of mock-disapproval not quite hiding the amusement that crinkled her nose and the corners of her eyes.

  “Raymond,” she said, her tone stern, “you were supposed to be putting Gabriella to bed.”

  “Oh!” he said, feigning surprise and lifting me once more off the bed. He held me up so we were eye-to-eye and leveled an appraising gaze my way. “Is this my Gabby? I thought it was an intruder —I found her hiding under the bed with a flashlight.”

  “If this is how you handle intruders, I think we’ve got more to worry about than a daughter up past her bedtime.” Mom turned her attention to me. “What on earth were you doing under there, anyway?”

  “Reading,” I said.

  “Reading,” she echoed, one eyebrow going up.

  “Mmm-hmm,” I said. “Sylvester and the Magic Pebble. Almost finished it, too.”

  “You hear that, dear?” Dad said. “Our four-year-old was up late reading. Thank God we put a stop to that.”

  “She’ll be cranky in the morning,” Mom said.

  “You seem pretty cranky now,” he replied, but there was no malice behind it.

  Mom once more arched an eyebrow, and said, “I do, do I? Well, then, don’t expect to be staying up past your bedtime with me tonight, mister.”

  Dad laughed at that, though I had no idea why. Grown-ups can be so weird sometimes.

  “All right, kiddo —time for you to go to bed.”

  “But I’m not sleepy!” I replied. As I said it, though, I realized it wasn’t true; a yawn hit me out of nowhere, and I tried my best to stifle it, to no avail.

  “Sure you’re not,” he said. “But how ’bout you try anyway, as a favor to your old man.”

  He tucked me in and kissed my forehead. Then he headed for the hall, flicking out the bedroom light as he went by. The hall light was still on —that’s how Mom and Dad always left it; that’s the only way I slept. When he reached the doorway, he turned around, silhouetted by the golden hallway light.

  “Sleep well, kiddo,” he said, and in that moment, I knew I would.

  In that moment, the small, forgotten part of me that was Sam Thornton felt safer than he’d ever felt before.

  It didn’t last.

  Jesus Christ, did it not last.

  Don’t get me wrong —those few moments I spent nestled snug in my bed, the soft glow of the hall light a gentle reassurance that Mom and Dad were just a room away, were second only to the first time I’d laid eyes on my Elizabeth. Before her illness. Before my cursed deal. Before everything I ever cared about was stripped from me, and my life became a literal, unending hell.

  But those moments of feeling snug and protected were few indeed —and hell wanted me back.

  The first sign this world was slipping from me was the hall light. One moment its calming presence shone like the light of God’s grace, and the next… it was simply gone.

  I’m not talking gone like someone flicked it off. I’m talking gone like the very concept of light was torn free from the fabric of reality. Like my room was swallowed whole by some nightmare beast. Like any sense of security I’d been clinging to was ripped from my chest and devoured right in front of me —a feeling amplified by the horrid slavering sounds that seemed to fill the sudden darkness. They crept up on me, first so faint I had to strain to hear them —my body stock still, the covers pulled over my head to keep away the pressing dark —but soon, it was as though they were coming from right beside the bed. And something else was happening, as well: the bed seemed to come untethered from gravity, pitching and roiling like a ship on choppy seas. Only instead of the ocean’s roar, what I heard was the wet, wrong sounds of smacking lips and gnashing teeth, and the squeak and crunch of floorboards rending.

  Whatever lurked in the darkness was coming closer.

  Whatever semblance of sane reality this room represented was flying apart at the seams.

  And I experienced it all not as a Collector who’d grown accustomed to such horrors, but through the eyes and mind of a frightened little girl.

  At first, I was paralyzed. I couldn’t even bring myself to draw breath. I was too terrified to draw the attention of whatever it was that made those noises
in the darkness.

  So instead I lay there with the covers over my head willing the room’s vertiginous yawing to stop.

  But then I heard it draw a breath, and then another, as if whatever the darkness hid was sampling the air around it —air that no longer smelled of dust and fabric softener and Mom’s pot roast, but instead of rust and rot and death —and the noises intensified. A whisper of motion surrounded me, like when Dad dragged our cooler down to the water’s edge when we went to the beach. Like the scales of a snake scraping across each other as it uncoiled.

  The unseen creature was surrounding me.

  I mustered whatever steely reserve this little girl contained, and drew the blankets down, uncovering my face. My tiny hands were balled into fists, still clutching the blankets for dear life as my eyes strained against the black. But it was no use. Whatever was out there could’ve been six miles, six feet, six inches from my face, and I wouldn’t have known the difference.

  I heard an awful clicking noise that seemed to come from everywhere at once, and the image of a basement in the desert —of a ruined brown-red beak —bubbled to the surface of my mind.

  The monster in the dark whispered to me, then. Not a threat, exactly. More like an invitation. It seemed to speak not in language but images, each somehow imbued with a tone of lurid suggestion —of it feasting on my flesh, of it subsuming me, of me joining countless others of the eaten in an eternity of torment, of oneness, of experiencing the beast’s relentless hunger. Those countless others called to me as well, their throaty, lustful whispers assuring me it only hurts a moment, that soon I’ll see how fun it is down down down where they are, all I have to do is let the creature (Abyzou they called her in reverent tones) take me taste me eat me end me and oh how lovely it will be!

  Though my mind had once proven closed off to such suggestion, world-weary and guarded as I’d then been, little-girl-me was guileless and unprotected. The desperate pleas of the consumed held me rapt, revulsion and morbid curiosity forcing me to listen —and the more attention I paid them, the more voices joined the chorus. Some begged, some threatened, some cajoled, but all to the same end: to partake of my flesh, my innocence, my life. And as the pressure they exerted on my fragile mind increased, I was horrified to realize I was tempted to give in, if for no other reason than to get them all to stop.

  But they wouldn’t stop —I knew they wouldn’t.

  And then I remembered my flashlight.

  To this day, I don’t know if it was the part of me that was still Sam who forced that thought to the forefront and latched onto it like the life-preserver it was, or if in that moment, I was rescued from oblivion by a little girl. I suspect the latter. Because even if that little girl was nothing more than an echo, the woman she’d become now dead and gone, that little girl still thought she had her life ahead of her —which was more than I could say. And I can’t deny the surge of confidence I felt in the moment I made up my mind to fight —confidence born of faith, of trust, of a belief that in the end, good will triumph and the monsters will slink back empty-handed to their closet lairs. God knows I don’t usually think any such thing. God knows I normally have cause to know better.

  I’m just glad I didn’t know any better right then.

  I cast the blankets off. Mom’s hospital corners yanked free, and, with a sudden snap of flapping fabric like a flag in a strong wind, the bed linens disappeared into the void. Apparently, whatever was out there didn’t want to afford me the protection those blankets bestowed.

  That was fine by me. I wasn’t the one who needed protecting.

  The bed pitched and shifted beneath me like a bull trying to buck a rider. My world seemed to spin like a house caught in a tornado. It tied my stomach into knots and made even the simplest movements monumental acts of will. Debris swirled around me —debris that had once made up my room. One by one, the floorboards tore free, disappearing into the oppressive black as my covers had. Bent nails and wood splinters loosed in the process tore at my nightgown, and the tender flesh beneath. My stuffed rabbit, Mr Fluffy, whacked me in the face and caromed away too quick for me to catch. My child-heart felt a pang of sorrow as he was lost to the darkness.

  Clutching the bottom sheet in one clenched fist, I swung my legs off of the bed. For one terrifying moment, my tiny feet found nothing, and I worried my plan was all for naught —that too much of the floor had torn away, and the flashlight had long since been swallowed by the abyss. But then my toes touched something solid, and my confidence returned.

  I said a prayer and let go of the bed. The insane yawing cast me to my hands and knees. Around me, the voices of the creature’s victims redoubled their efforts, shouting screaming begging threatening pleading until my only thought was make it stop make it stop make it stop.

  But it didn’t stop. It wouldn’t stop, unless I made it stop.

  Fingers splayed, I dragged my palms across the floor, groping wildly left and right in a desperate attempt to find the flashlight. All around me, the darkness was alive with the voices of the damned, and the creature’s wretched slithering.

  My right hand bumped hard round plastic. My left ankle was ensnared by something cold and wet —tongue or tentacle I wasn’t sure —and I yelped, my fear redoubling. My fingers closed around the flashlight as whatever grasped my ankle yanked me backward, an obscene mockery of my father’s playful act.

  I rolled onto my back, wielding the flashlight before me like an unignited lightsaber. Then the floor under me ended, and I was falling.

  No —not falling. Swinging at the end of this appendage. Dangling over the gaping maw of this blasphemous creature —this beast that would consume me, that would make me part of it forever.

  I thumbed the flashlight’s switch.

  The darkness shattered.

  It was as though I’d switched on a bank of floodlights —as though I’d turned on the sun.

  For a moment, I saw a tangle of mottled gray flesh, a gaping rust-colored beak —a wet, pulsing black gullet. Then the creature shrieked —my whole world shaking —and, in a wisp of oily gray-green vapor that put me in mind of rot, of sickness, of death, it simply ceased to be.

  Just like that, all was silent.

  Silent, but not still.

  When the creature vanished, I was released from its grasp, and felt a sudden strange sensation —like falling, only upward. Despite myself, I dropped the flashlight, so disoriented was I by what was happening. It fell not upward with me, but down, and I soon left its blinding glow behind. But I did not fall in darkness. Phantom images swirled around me, a zoetrope of paths taken and not taken, of experiences long forgotten and lives never lived. For a time, the little girl and I were one, our experiences intertwined —every possible iteration of both our lives projected all around us as though in mockery of the path toward damnation we both chose. But slowly, that little girl and her experiences bled away, and with her, her sense of hope, of faith, of happiness.

  Above me, something glimmered, like the surface of the ocean seen from below. Consciousness, I thought. I rose toward it without control, without volition, at once aching for the reality I’d abandoned, and for the fantasy from which I’d been so violently torn. All around me swam the demons of my past, the horrors of my present, the false promise of fu tures never realized. They reflected off the shimmering membrane above, funhouse images that seemed to mock the man I’d become.

  Right before I broke the surface, I heard someone call my name, in a voice as beautiful as love, as sad as heartbreak. That one “Sam?” carried with it years of bitterness and sorrow, now long behind. That one “Sam?” somehow suggested eventual acceptance of who I was and what I’d done that fell somewhere short of forgiveness, and yet still seemed a kindness of which I was not worthy. That one “Sam?” conveyed an eternity of peace and happiness forever marred by my absence —an absence for which I, now made aware of it, would never forgive myself.

  When I heard that solitary “Sam?” I wept like a child.

&nb
sp; For the voice that spoke it was Elizabeth’s.

  27.

  “Sam?”

  I couldn’t breathe.

  My lungs burned in my chest. My limbs prickled from lack of oxygen. Blind panic gripped me, and I thrashed about like a man drowning.

  “Sam!”

  I heard her call my name. My Elizabeth, I thought for a moment, but it wasn’t —not this time. Was it Ana? I wondered, feeling a pang of guilt at the notion —or rather, at the thrill that coursed unbidden through me, so soon after being in the presence of my life’s true love. But it wasn’t Ana, either. The voice was unaccented.

  I opened my eyes, a monumental force of will, but everything was blurry and blue-black. I suppose that should have worried me, but it seemed secondary to the fact I couldn’t breathe.

  “For fuck’s sake, Sam, would you hold still?”

  A hand on my chest. Small. Dainty. Strong as a goddamn ox. It pinned me to the ground with such force, my panicked thrashing all but ceased. Then another hand cupped my jaw and, with forefinger and thumb, squeezed, forcing open my mouth. Only then did I realize why it was I couldn’t breathe.

  Two fingers in my mouth. Instinctively, I fought, but the fingers’ owner paid me no mind. Instead, she carefully tweezed out the dry, scratchy bolus that blocked my airway, and tossed it to the dirt beside me.

  I gulped air into my lungs, and the world around me steadied. My vision cleared, and I realized I’d seen vague blue-black because vague blue-black was all there was to see. I was lying in a small clearing on the canyon floor, the first faint tinge of morning light just bright enough to blot out the stars above, but not enough to allow me to make out the details of my surroundings.

  I rolled over to one side, a dry cough rasping against the tender flesh of my throat. It felt like it’d been stuffed full of twigs. I poked at the ball that lay beside me, and realized I wasn’t far off —it appeared to be made of feathers, bone, and sinew, bound together with coarse twine.