The Wrong Goodbye tc-2

by Chris F. Holm

  Then I realized the arm I was propped up on was the one I’d dislocated —and yet it held my weight. I sat up —my kidneys not protesting, despite the beating they’d just taken —and rolled my shoulder joint a couple times to test it. It felt fine.

  “Feeling better, Collector?”

  Lilith. I should have known. Who else could have found me way the hell out here?

  I spat, or tried. My mouth was dry as dust, and tasted like death. Believe me, I wish that were a colorful exaggeration, but it isn’t —and sadly, on this count, I’m in a position to know.

  “Actually, yeah,” I said. “Though I could do with a mint. How long was I out?”

  “A day, I’d say, give or take a couple hours.”

  The news hit me like a fucking mallet. An entire day gone. Which meant I only had one left.

  Lilith caught my wide-eyed panic, mistook it for anger. “Don’t look at me like that —had I not come along to rescue your sorry undead ass, it would have been a week. Quite a mess you’ve landed yourself in. Two dozen of the Fallen slaughtered at the hands of their Chosen kin —the first overt offensive since the Great War. And the rumor in the Depths is you’re to blame.”

  “How’s that, exactly?”

  “They say you led the Chosen here, though there’s some debate as to whether that was by incompetence or by design.”

  “It wasn’t me.”

  She looked dubious. “You were the only one Dumas’s seers detected; no one else was sensed entering the canyon. It’s possible they followed you without your knowledge–”

  “It wasn’t me,” I repeated.

  “Fine,” she said, showing me her palms. “It wasn’t you. Then who?”

  “Whoever doped me up and left me here to rot,” I said. “Danny, I’m guessing.”

  “But why? Why would he do such a thing? What would he stand to gain by inciting a new war between heaven and hell?”

  “He doesn’t give a shit about the war. What he needed was a distraction so he could steal Dumas’s skim blade.”

  “To what end?”

  “Believe me,” I told her, “you don’t want to know.”

  My body was wracked by a sudden coughing fit. I doubled over, hacking till I damn near puked. When I was done, the ground in front of me was littered with mottled gray feathers.

  “Here,” she said, passing me a leather canteen. “Drink this.”

  I did. It was filled with coarse red wine, which burned my savaged throat as it went down, and filled my belly with warmth. I shivered at the sudden shock of it, only then realizing how chill the night air around me was.

  “Are you cold?” Lilith asked. I nodded, wine dribbling down my chin as I drank. “I believe I can remedy that.” She snapped her fingers, and from her thumb and forefinger sprung a single dancing flame. She touched it to a rough-hewn, makeshift structure of scrub brush and gnarled wood beside me, about the size of a small coffee table —a structure that looked suspiciously like an altar —and, with a dry crackle, it caught fire, casting an ever-shifting circle of orange light across the canyon floor. For a moment I was blinded, and sat huddled by its warmth, seeing little of the world around me. Then, as my eyes adjusted, I realized there were shapes all round us in the darkness, lying immobile in a perfect circle at the edge of the firelight’s glare.

  I peered at them, struggling to see. A coiled snake. A bird of prey. A jackrabbit lying on its side, one ear jutting skyward. Possums, prairie dogs, armadillos, assorted sundry lizards —all gathered around us like they’d come to watch, to see what disturbed the quiet of this desert night.

  But they hadn’t come to watch, and they didn’t see a thing.

  They were all still. All silent. All dead.

  Lilith caught me eyeing them and smiled, though her smile was tinged with sadness. “Sadly, all magic requires sacrifice,” she said. “These creatures gave their lives to bring you back. Willingly, I might add. I simply bade them come and come they did, so eager were they to assist me in my task. You should be honored.”

  “Right,” I said. “I’m sure they came on account of I’m such a great guy, and had nothing whatsoever to do with the fact the woman calling them is the embodiment of seduction itself.”

  “You flatter me, Collector,” she said, in a husky tone that sent a shiver of longing down my spine.

  “Just a statement of fact. And I see we’re back to ‘Collector’ now.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “As I was coming to, you called me Sam.”

  She laughed, then. Good Lord, did Lilith have a laugh. “I wouldn’t get used to it, were I you. I was merely trying to guide you safely back to the land of the living —or, at least, what passes for it in your hobbled, damned existence. Said journey is not without its peril.”

  “Yeah, I gathered that right around the time I almost got noshed on by some angry calamari. I’m guessing that wasn’t just some harmless nightmare.”

  “Nightmare, yes. Harmless, no.”

  “Had you been calling me long?” I asked, perhaps too casually.

  Lilith cocked her head quizzically. “I suppose.” My face must have dropped at that, because she followed it up with a somewhat put-out, “Why —should I not have brought you back?”

  “No —it’s not that. It’s just… as I surfaced… I thought you were someone else, is all. My Elizabeth.”

  “Your Elizabeth? My word, Collector —don’t tell me after all these years you still cling to the pathetic delusion of the living that is love. You’ve been around long enough to learn that love is nothing more than chemical attraction —meat attracting meat for the purpose of making more meat. Don’t get me wrong —with human life as short and pointless as it is, one can hardly blame them for fooling themselves into thinking there’s something more to it. But you of all people should realize there’s not —and that thinking otherwise leads to naught but damnation and regret.”

  “You’re wrong. Love isn’t some kind of chemical accident —it’s an expression of faith. Faith that somehow, despite the odds, there’s something more to life than living in fear and dying alone.”

  “Ah, yes —’God is love’ and all that rot. Tell me, have you ever really stopped to think about what that means? Love is cruel. Love is vicious. Love inspires people to kill, to maim, to torture. Love ruins lives, fells cities, destroys civilizations. If you ask me, love’s not all it’s cracked up to be. But then, you shouldn’t have to ask me —you should only have to reflect on where love has gotten you.”

  “I have no regrets,” I said.

  “Then you’re a fool.”

  We sat in silence for a while, me rubbing my limbs to restore circulation after God knows how long lying exposed to the cold night air, and Lilith dressing and roasting one of the carcasses that encircled our little camp. I didn’t realize how hungry I was until the meat spit fat into the fire, and filled the night with its scent. I was so hungry, in fact, I didn’t dare ask what kind of meat it was, for fear it’d put me off my appetite.

  Whatever it was, it was delicious, or I was hungry enough I couldn’t tell the difference. My throat hurt like hell with every swallow, though, thanks to the ball of feathers, bones, and flesh Lilith’d lodged in it while I was out.

  I nudged the ball with my foot. Lilith watched me, but said nothing.

  “The fuck is this, anyways?”

  “Buzzard, mostly. Consider it a calling card of sorts. A focal object for the spell that brought you back from the depths of your skim-induced slumber. A spell that, you’ll note, has the pleasant side-effect of healing body as well as mind. You’re welcome, by the way.”

  I tried to muster up a thanks. It wouldn’t come. “A calling card?” I asked. “A calling card for whom?”

  Lilith frowned, as if considering not telling me. Then she sighed, her decision made, and the frown lifted. “I suppose, Collector, we’ve come far enough together you’ve a right to know, regardless of what my superiors may think on the matter. Two days ago, you asked me
to call your Deliverants off, and I told you I could not —that they fell outside of hell’s dominion. Deliverants are creatures of the In-Between: the border that separates heaven and hell, life and death, being and not-being. The In-Between is both vast and membrane-thin, an infinity of nothingness contained in such a perfect join between worlds one can scarcely see the seam. The denizens of heaven and hell both are forbidden passage through the InBetween, and yet humankind must venture through it when they leave their world of rot and impermanence for the next —whichever next that proves to be. Which is why both sides are forced to employ your kind —and the filthy carrion creatures that assist you —to facilitate the journey. For you see, Deliverants are not the only inhabitants of the In-Between.”

  Realization dawned. “Collectors. You’re talking about Collectors.”

  “Yes.”

  My thoughts turned back to the horrific visage of an old man, rendered in teeming, hungry insects. To a patch of earth dyed red with blood. To a horrid, rasping voice —which I now realized spoke a truth as terrible as the vulgar sketch of humanity from whence it came.

  These creatures, it had told me, are but humble servants, lending form to that which in this realm is formless. Just as that decaying sack of meat you’re wearing lends you form.

  Over you, it said, I have dominion.

  “Lilith,” I said, bile rising in my throat as my repaired meat-suit crawled with terror and revulsion, “who did you call? Who put me back together?”

  She hesitated for a moment, reluctance borne of fear. “It calls itself Charon.”

  “And this Charon —he’s the ruler of the In-Between?”

  “Yes. Are you all right, Collector? You look pale.”

  How she could see that in the dark wash of predawn blue, the flicker of firelight, I don’t know —but then, I reminded myself for perhaps the thousandth time, Lilith is not so human as she appears to be.

  It would seem neither of us are.

  “I’m fine,” I said.

  “You look anything but fine.”

  Fuck it, I thought. She’d been straight with me. I may as well return the favor. “This Charon,” I said. “I met him. In the desert, on the night that we last spoke. He damn near killed me.”

  “And yet he came when summoned to heal you this night,” she said. “Most interesting.”

  “He told me I had three days to return the Varela soul to him, or he would plunge me into Nothingness for all eternity. My guess is, he only healed me so I could complete my task.”

  She considered it. “Perhaps,” she said, frowning. “Though I’m forced to wonder, why you? Charon could have just as easily called on any of your kind. I suspect there is a reason you, specifically, were chosen. Perhaps Charon’s developed a certain affection for you.”

  I thought back to our meeting in the desert. To the biting anger in his tone, the seething fury of his assault. “Not likely,” I said.

  “Then perhaps you serve a purpose in his plan. A being as powerful as he no doubt sees a great deal more of the board than do such lowly pawns as you or I.”

  “Exactly how powerful is this Charon?” I asked.

  “How do you mean?” Lilith replied, suddenly cagey, as though there were something in my tone she didn’t like.

  “When we met in the desert, Charon claimed he was an Old God. That my God is nothing more than a pretender to the throne. A seditionist. A fraud.”

  “And this troubles you?”

  “I don’t know. I suppose it does.”

  “Why?”

  “It’s hard to explain,” I said. “But to me —to all of humankind —the very existence of a loving God is the greatest comfort we could ever know. Even,” I added ruefully, “for those of us removed from His good grace. And the thought that He might’ve stolen his throne —taken it through violence or deceit like a common criminal —robs me of that comfort. It makes him no better than the rest of us.”

  “Oh, Collector, when are you going to learn? For all of your moralistic hand-wringing —about your role in this world, your perceptions of my actions, or the origins of your precious Maker —existence is not as simple as all that. There are no good guys, no bad guys —just a giant fucking mess, and a bunch of damaged beings trying to muddle through as best as they can. Perhaps your Maker did steal his throne. Perhaps Charon is lying —you’d be amazed at how many beings like myself have carved out a chunk of history passing themselves off as a deity to one religion or another. Only the Maker Himself could tell you for sure who’s been lying all these millennia, and in case you hadn’t noticed, He’s been quite silent of late. Either way, who are we to judge? We’re each of us nothing but frauds and liars. I mean, look at you! You fancy yourself a decent man, but if that’s the case, then how did you wind up here? How did any of us? There is one thing I do know, though: whatever Charon is, he does not abide insubordination. You’d do well not to cross him.”

  “That much, I gathered.”

  “So what do you intend to do?”

  “Same as before,” I said. “Track down Danny. Find Varela’s soul.”

  “Have you any idea where he’s gone?”

  “Where worlds draw thin,” I muttered, remembering the inscription on his hovel wall.

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “I wish I knew.”

  “Well, then,” she said, “you’d best go get that rotund dowsing rod of yours and find out. It seems you’ve one day left.”

  28.

  Problem was, my dowsing rod was gone.

  By the time I hit the edge of town, the sun hung high overhead, baking cracks into the earth and obliterating all trace of the numbing chill of desert night. I’d stripped my filthy, tattered suit coat off during the ride, letting it flutter away on the breeze to be claimed by the desert. Once a somber, tasteful black, it’d ended up as dun-colored as the arid wasteland in which I left it —as dun-colored as the once-red Cadillac I drove. I chucked my one remaining shoe as well, this dead man’s dress socks stuffed inside. Even barefoot and in rolled-up shirtsleeves, I was sweating, and I could feel my face and neck begin to burn under a sun that shone as hard and bright as a lamp without a shade.

  The Caddy creaked as though arthritic when I braked to a halt in front of the squat, its brakes and shocks no doubt as full of grit as my eyes and clothes, as the lines and creases of my skin. The paved drive way was soft and hot beneath my feet, scorching my soles as I stepped out of the car and setting me highstepping toward the door.

  Inside, the squat was still and dark, and stuffy as well —the air heavy and ill-smelling from the breath and sweat of people too long confined. “Gio?” I tried to call, but my voice came out a dry croak. “Hello?”

  My feet made little sound as I padded through the skeletal interior of the half-finished house. I strained to hear any signs of life, but there were none. The Gio I knew was not a slight or nimble man; surely, if he were here, I’d hear him. And what of Roscoe? That old coot couldn’t go ten seconds without shouting his fool head off.

  No. They were gone. They had to be. Hell, I’d told Gio to do exactly that before I’d left. Of course, I hadn’t realized by doing so I’d be consigning myself to an eternity of Nothingness. Without Gio, I had no way to locate Danny. Without Gio, I was toast.

  I strolled the house less cautiously now that I’d convinced myself there was nothing there to find. I remained convinced of that right up until a bloodcurdling scream pierced the air —so loud and so close, if I’d been wearing socks, I would’ve jumped clean out of them.

  I turned and caught a glimpse of denim-clad fury. Then a wide, rectangular something swung downward toward me, blotting out my field of vision. I threw my hands up to block the coming assault, but I was too late. The rectangular something connected with my face in a squish of poky bristles and a plume of stale, woody house dust.

  I sneezed —which maybe, on reflection, doesn’t do justice to the ferocity or effectiveness of the fwacking I’d received. I mean to s
ay I sneezed a lot.

  “Sam?” drawled my attacker, his thick Texas accent somehow finding a second syllable I never knew Sam had. “Sam, is that you?”

  Next thing I knew, I was the unwitting recipient of one hell of a bear-hug, the old man levering me off the floor with his prodigious gut and squeezing so hard I couldn’t find the breath to sneeze.

  When I’d last seen Roscoe, he’d been tied to the toilet, pleading for his life. Guess absence really does make the heart grow fonder.

  “Jesus, Sam, it’s good to see you!” he said, once he finally released me from his grasp.

  “Thanks,” I said, brushing myself off and trying to get the tickling in my nose under control. “What the hell’d you hit me with?”

  “Push broom,” he said.

  “And you were gonna what —sweep me to death with it?”

  He scowled at me, faux anger hiding embarrassment. “By the look a you, you could maybe use a decent brooming. And besides, it was all I could find by way a weapons in this place. A man gets mighty paranoid, holed up too long alone.”

  “Alone? Roscoe, where’s Gio?”

  “Left late yesterday, and don’t you go blamin’ him for it, neither. The both of us done thought you were a goner, an’ yet that boy stayed anyways, for as long as he could stand.”

  “If you both thought I was dead, what’re you still doing here? I told Gio if I didn’t come back, he was supposed to let you go.”

  Roscoe did a little soft-shoe, showing off his unbound limbs. “You see anythin’ keeping me here? I stayed because I wanted to. Was the only way I could get that boy to go. He said someone oughta be here in case you came back.”

  “No offense, Roscoe, but why? I mean, I appreciate your sticking around and all, but we kidnapped you. We tied you up. Why on earth would you decide to help us out?”

  “Figured I owed you,” he said.

  “How’s that?”

  “Now, Sam, I ain’t the most religious man, but I do believe the good Lord sent you two boys to rattle my cage a bit, shake me off the path I was on. I made some decisions I ain’t proud of lately —decisions that wound up with me passing out piss-drunk in a strip club parking lot. And even then, I didn’t see I’d hit rock bottom. But then you two jokers come along, and of all the cars in the world you coulda jacked, you wound up taking mine. You and Gio, you showed me ain’t no good can come of the life that I was leadin’, and aside a sticking me in the trunk a while, you boys treated me just fine. Least I can do to show my thanks is help you two find your own way.”