Strong Enough

by Teresa Hill

  “Oh sorry, Jessica, this is Reece, my um friend. Reece, this is Jessica, my um ex-girlfriend.”

  Offering a little laugh I retracted my hand. “Nice to meet you Jessica,” I said, nodding at her. Pulling her claws back in just a bit, she pursed her lips and offered a tight nod at me as well. “Likewise I’m sure,” she spouted in her debutante tone she’s more than likely accustomed to. AWKWARD

  The air around the table could be cut with a knife. Sterling isn’t saying anything and Jessica is standing here staring between him and me. The situation seems unnecessary to me. “If you will excuse me.” I stand not bothering to look at Sterling and make my way to the restrooms.

  Pushing past the crowd in the bar I pay no attention to anyone around me as I reach the bathroom.

  As I open the bathroom door my elbow is grabbed and I am pulled backwards. “Hey let go!” I yell as I spin around to come face to face with Sterling. Anger and relief cross me at the same time.

  “What the hell Sterling?”

  “Calm down Reece I just wanted to talk to you and you were ignoring me when I was calling your name.”

  “I didn’t hear you.”

  “Look Reece I wanted to explain. I didn’t know Jessica worked here, and well I was caught off guard.” Coming closer to me he moves us out of the way of the bathroom and against the wall. My back to the wall he presses his chest closer to me. “I wanted to talk to you…” Leaning in toward my ear he whispers “God I want you…” His breath lingers against my skin.

  I should feel desire like I did when he kissed me, but right now I only feel irritation. “Stop Sterling,” I whisper placing my hand against his chest. I don’t want things to happen between us like this, and I certainly don’t want his seeing an ex-girlfriend be the driving force behind his need for me.

  The hallway is dark that leads to the bathrooms, a soft dim light hangs in the middle to light a path to the door and that’s it. Where Sterling had me positioned we could not be seen by anyone in the bar area.

  “Come on Reece, don’t push me away again. You know you feel it, the heat, the desire; I know you feel the same thing. I could tell when I kissed you.” His head drops and he places a kiss at the nape of my neck. “Seriously Sterling don’t, not here, not like this.” He still has a hold of my one arm and he is using his other hand to keep me blocked at the side of my head. Turning my head I look at him but the look in his eyes is hungry, needy, and revengeful and it scares me. “We need to talk Reece, let me take you home,” he says as he moves his hand up and down my arm caressing it. I feel very uncomfortable now. “Sterling I just want to go to the bathroom, please.” Trying to step away from him, his grip tightens causing me to look at him in the eyes. They have turned dark and fierce and I do not like it one bit.

  I struggle a bit to get out of his grasp but he continues to hold my arm and the panic is rising in my chest. A flood of memories hits me. “Let me go Sterling!” I yell and twist back and forth for him to release me.

  “I suggest you let her go.” I hear from behind Sterling. I recognize the voice immediately. Looking me in the eyes Sterling pauses before he slowly turns to see who is talking. When he sees I can tell the recognition by his slight relaxation of his hand on my arm.

  “This doesn’t concern you Zane. Leave us alone,” he says before turning his attention back to me.

  “Sterling, man don’t do this, just let Reece go.”

  Zane has stepped out of the shadows and I can see him clearly now. His dark pea coat covers a red t-shirt and his hands are firmly tucked in his dark jeans pockets. He looks at me with a firm and serious nature but softens it when our eyes meet. I calm instantly.

  He takes another two steps closer and is right next to Sterling. “Just let her go man,” he says as he puts his firm muscular hand on his shoulder and pushes downward. Sterling starts to release the grip on my arm and his other hand slips from the wall. Zane has not let go of his shoulder and I can see the tips of his fingers are bearing down into Sterling’s shoulder. The harder he pushes the more Sterling relaxes his grip until he is no longer holding my arm.

  “Dude let go, I wasn’t trying to hurt her.”

  “When a woman tells you to let go of her, you don’t hesitate to let go. However, before you ever get to that point, you should never grab a woman to begin with.”

  Stepping out of the way from the two of them I am further back in the shadows. Zane has forcefully turned Sterling so they are face to face. Looking at the two of them it is easy to see Zane has the height and size over Sterling.

  “Look you don’t get it, I wasn’t hurting her, was I Reece?” He says spinning around to look at me.

  I don’t respond to his question and he turns back around.

  “It is just a misunderstanding we are good.” He nods back toward me.

  “Reece, do you need a ride home?” Zane asks without taking is eyes off of Sterling.

  “Please, I’m ready to leave now please,” I said with a bit of sadness. The whole situation is bringing back very difficult memories and I can’t get them to stop.

  “Of course, let’s go,” he says still staring Sterling in the face.

  I step around Sterling, shit I really did need to pee, and stand next to Zane. He gently grabs my hand as he backs away from Sterling. Looking down at our joined hands Sterling doesn’t say anything; he looks at me with a plea for which I remain silent.

  Zane turns and begins to walk toward the front door pulling me behind him in a gentle way. Once we are outside, the realization hits, I was still holding Zane’ hand. Like before, touching him gives me comfort and my body is naturally reacting to it and for the first time in a long time, I didn’t want to stop holding his hand. I can sense he knows this as he brushes his thumb over the top of my knuckles for reassurance.

  I am still dazed by what just happened as Zane leads me through the rows of cars. Not paying attention to any detail I barely notice him opening the door and ushering me in his car. Trying to understand what just happened, I would have never guessed Sterling to act like that. I am not even sure what he wanted to talk about.

  Zane gets in and starts the car. Watching me buckle my seatbelt he isn’t pushing for conversation. I once again am staring blankly out the window watching as the world outside passes by. Memories from my past seem to be doing the same thing and in no time, I feel the wetness on my cheeks. Trying to avoid Zane seeing me cry I try to hide my efforts to wipe my eyes. Resting my hand back in my lap he reaches over and gently picks it up and holds it. Comfort I have not felt in a long time. Comfort I have not wanted in a long time. His skin is smooth and just the right temperature. I avoid looking at him but am comforted by his touch. It doesn’t take long until he pulls into my apartment complex parking lot and in front of my apartment.

  We sit silently, neither of us moving to get out of the car. I am having a difficult time focusing on the present as my past is coming back to haunt me. My heart rate is rising and my breathing is labored, I can feel the sweat on my palms and I run them down the front of my shorts a few times to try and dry them. I feel very enclosed in the car and it feels like the space is closing in on me. I can’t take it anymore and reach for the handle and push the door open swinging my legs out and leaning over them trying desperately to catch my breath.

  Slow circles are being rubbed into my back and I take a moment to look up and see Zane squatting next to me outside of the car. “Breathe slowly, take a nice deep breath and let it out again slowly…” He instructs while continuing to rub circles. I follow his instructions, deep breath in, and nice and slow out as my head hangs between my knees. After a few minutes I can feel my heart rate return to normal and my breathing has calmed down. Lifting my head I turn and rest it on my knee and look at Zane. He has concern all over his face as his hand is still rubbing my back. He isn’t saying anything but I can see he wants to. “I’m okay,” is all I say with a nod. I begin to stand, grab my purse off the car floor and begin to walk toward my apartment. He
hasn’t said anything but I hear him shut the car door and his footsteps behind me.

  In front of my door I turn to face him. “Do you want to come in for a little bit?” I ask knowing it’s because I don’t want to be alone. He nods his head once and follows me in.

  The apartment is dark and I like that. I don’t want to shine any light on my life right now. I don’t want to show him anymore of how I am feeling. The darkness is soothing. There is a faint light that is shining in from outside that lights up the living room just enough not to bump into things.

  Walking toward the kitchen I lay my purse on the kitchen bar and find myself leaning with my back and head against the wall. Eyes closed overwhelming amount of pain consumes me again and I begin to slide down the wall, I just want to sit.

  Before I can hit the ground his arm is around my neck and the other under my knees and he’s holding me as he walks to the couch. My head resting against his shoulder with a deep heaviness and he seems to know this.

  Gently bending down he sits me upright on the couch which I immediately curl up into a ball. Whatever connection Zane and I have, he knows I don’t want him to leave and he takes the spot next to me on the couch with his arm slung around the back leaning into it.

  “I have a dark side,” I say without looking at him.

  “We all do Reece.”

  Staring out the window I am thinking of what to say next.

  “Have you ever had a side of you that you didn’t know anymore, or that no one knew about you? A past you don’t want anyone to know about? I do. I have a past that I don’t even know how to think about anymore. A painful past. I have spent the last six years not only trying to forget the past but somehow along the way have lost myself.”

  I turn my head on the couch pillow and look at him. His dark eyes are looking back at me. I can see so much emotion in his eyes.

  “Zane, I don’t know who I am.” Hearing my admission out loud allowed the single tear to roll from my eye. Seeing it, he reaches over and gently wipes the tear from my face and I take the opportunity to roll my face into his hand for which he gently rubs the back of his hand down my cheek.

  I have not let anyone comfort me in so long, but with him, it feels right, it feels genuine.

  “Why do you think you don’t know who you are?” He whispered as he lowered his hand.

  I struggle to respond. I know the answer, but I don’t know how to say it or if I want to be vulnerable enough to tell him. I know why the walls are up. I know why I don’t trust people, I know why I don’t have friends. I know it all. I just don’t know how or if I want to change it. I don’t know what the purpose or reason would be to change it. I will just get hurt in the end anyway, so I need to protect myself now.

  I move and position myself so I am sitting with my knees bent and pulled into my chest facing him.

  “It’s not a matter of I don’t THINK I know who I am, it’s that I put all my effort in making myself a certain way, feeling a certain way or not feeling that I have lost myself.”

  Shifting on the couch he is making himself more comfortable but sits silently to let me continue.

  “I know I don’t know you well, hell at all really, but I have kept so much of myself from everyone that I don’t know how to be who I really am. Part of me was taken years ago. Shit, pieces of me have been taken away since I was 12. Do you have any idea what it’s like to wake up every day and miss yourself? I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. You begin to forget who you are over time and it doesn’t take long for the person you want people to see takes over.

  I hear what people say about me. I know they think I’m a hard ass bitch that doesn’t let anything or anyone get to me. But I laugh at the fact that that couldn’t be furthest from the truth,” I say sniffling through my words. At this point the tears just aren’t stopping.

  Zane reaches out and rests his hand on my knee and gives it a little squeeze.

  “Reece, you need to talk about what it is that you feel has taken away who you are. It doesn’t matter what other people think, it only matters what you think and feel.”

  Stunned by his comment I quickly respond, “I don’t give a fuck what people think about me, don’t you get that? That’s why it’s been so easy to let people see what I want them to see. But to be honest, I’m so tired of trying. I am so tired of not being happy, not being wanted, not being needed and not knowing how to let myself be loved. I have spent so much time and effort pushing people away, making them go away, making them leave me because I know in the end, they will leave anyway.” I am no longer able to control it and the crying becomes ugly.

  My body is shaking as I breathe in with each sob, my head tucked down to my knees so Zane can’t see my face.

  He reaches over and gently pulls my legs out and scoots himself under pulling me into his lap and gently runs his hand down my hair and back. At that moment I don’t care if I don’t know him, no one has ever comforted me like this and I need him. At least that’s what I am trying to convince myself of. I start to lay my head on his shoulder. Then it is all over, I remember this isn’t me.

  I quickly scurry off his lap to stand wiping the tears quickly off my face and composing myself as I stand off toward the window looking out. Get ahold of yourself Reece, what the fuck are you doing?

  “Tell me about the “you” that you lost.” His voice sounds soft behind me. He wants to know more and I can’t bring myself to tell him. Not now, not yet, maybe not ever.

  I turn around and give him a soft smile. It’s time to change the direction this is going. “I got a better idea actually, up for a little drive?”

  He can see what I am doing and I see he knows it’s what needs to happen. “Sure, where we going?”

  “Ah, that’s for me the driver to know and you the passenger to see when we get there.” As I give a genuine smile.

  “One thing you will learn, I like to be in charge…” He says while dangling his keys from his finger and smirking as he let out a little laugh which helped in lightening the mood.

  Walking past him I quickly reach up and grab his keys before he can pull his hand away, grab my purse off the bar and continue out the front door. “Well Mr. Bauer, you might have just met your match.”

  Peering over my shoulder I see him shaking his head as he quickly picks up after me reaching to make sure the bottom lock is set and shutting the door.

  Catching me in the parking lot he quickly realizes that his like of being in control was just outweighed by my need to drive.

  Hitting the alarm and unlocking the doors to my car I holler back with a giggle, “Get in and buckle up, I don’t drive I fly.”

  I actually see him hesitate for a minute think about whether he wants to get in, but he makes the conscious decision to join me.

  Sliding in I breathe in the smell of the leather, Miss you dad, and wait for Zane to buckle up. He wants to know who I really am. I’m just going to have to give him a taste.

  Pulling out of my apartment complex, tires spin out onto the main street as I turn the music up. My dad taught me how to drive, but it was Danny that taught me really “how to drive”. I have spent countless hours on the local speed track learning how to maneuver the turns at high rates of speed, how to weave in and out of cars without causing knee jerk reactions.

  Entering the highway I accelerate to 85 mph and merge quickly to move over to the left hand lane of the highway. Traffic is rather light which makes cruising easier. Glancing over to Zane his stoic face tells me nothing. I am dying to get a response out of him so I accelerate to 95 mph. Nothing…

  “You aren’t going to scare me Reece,” he says still looking forward. Well what the hell?

  “Aren’t you afraid I will crash and kill us?”

  “The only thing to fear is fear itself, and I think I believe in you more to know you will slow down before that becomes a reality.”

  “You sure do put a lot of faith in someone you don’t know.”

  His slight shrug of the shoulders ma
kes me more uneasy than assured.

  Chapter 10

  Just like he predicted, I bring my speed back under control, exiting and turning into the parking lot of Danny’s bar. Getting out of my car, I glance to the parking lot to my left but I become paralyzed with flashbacks. I haven’t returned to Danny’s place since that night. At this moment I wish I had not come here. My feet are frozen and my hand is resting on the top of my car door. I can hear them, I can see the truck. My heart is in my throat and I can’t swallow it down. The car door moves behind me for which I give little attention. I am still planted firmly in my spot and not taking my eyes off the parking lot as I feel the tears welling in my eyes when Zane steps in front of my line of sight. Looking firmly in my eyes he has placed both hands on top of my shoulders and I feel him turning me toward the door with my resistance. “Reece, walk in, don’t stand here,” he states with a firm tone and grip on me. I can tell he is not letting me choose what to do and for that I am grateful. Looking up at him, my eyes filled with tears, I simply nod and allow him to turn me toward the door.

  The bar hasn’t changed a bit. Same floor, same tables, same bar and same jukebox. I just stepped back in time six years ago, and it is surreal. Only thing not the same is the staff. We are stopped by a bouncer for ID’s. Fishing in my purse for my wallet I am not paying attention when I am grabbed around the waist and hoisted up. “What the FUCK!” I scream while looking down to see it is Danny. “DANNY!” My scream of irritation turning into one of excitement. Placing me back on my own two feet I get my wits about me.