by Eva Brandt
I was having flashes of my first exchange with them. Or maybe it was just flashes in general, since by now, I’d already missed two doses of my pills. “Callum Adamson, incubus and Head of The House of Lust. Why?”
“Callum is so much more than that,” she growled at me. “His line originates from the beginning of time! His ancestor was Cain himself, the first Great Sinner. He should’ve never even given you the time of day, let alone allowed you to be in his presence.”
Oh. So that’s where the Adamson name came from. You learned new things every day.
“Gemma, it’s fine,” Callum said slowly. “There’s no point in arguing with creatures of limited intelligence. It just puts us at the same level they are. And we don’t want that, do we?”
Gemma kept fuming and glowering at me, her eyes glowing with feral blood lust. I suspected she’d have torn my jugular out with the same savagery Stefan had inflicted upon Mikael had Callum not been there to stop her. “Fine, Callum. I’ll let it go now. But watch your back, Sacrifice. Callum won’t always be around to stop me.”
“Whatever, Gemma. Just run along now and… have your orgasms. Or whatever you guys do when you’re not being assholes. I have somewhere to be.”
“By all means, then, Sacrifice,” Callum drawled. “Don’t let us stop you from claiming your destiny.”
They let me pass without further comment, but I knew better than to think I’d won that confrontation. Sooner or later, Gemma would undoubtedly fulfill her threat. I had to make sure I was ready for whatever she and the rest of the academy threw at me.
* * *
The beginning of the year found me in my new Angelic Defense Arts class, struggling to learn actual magic under Dean Mephistopheles himself. The lessons were interesting, but if I’d expected the dean to show me any favor after the incident in the infirmary, I would’ve been met with crushing disappointment.
Mephistopheles was a harsher taskmaster than Ammit and since I was a stupid human who’d never used magic in her life, I was often the target of his wrath. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t channel any of the powers that came so easily to my fellows.
In him, I saw the same dark light Mikael had used while fighting Stefan. My year mates, on the other hand, had a little more talent at the raw, elemental magic Stefan had displayed. Uncontrollable fire would often erupt through the classroom, and I wasn’t surprised, when a lot of the time, it targeted me.
I learned to keep my distance quickly, but being so on the edge all the time wasn’t good for my focus or my school work.
More than once, I ended up staying after class with Dean Mephistopheles, because I couldn’t process simple concepts, let alone make magic work for me.
“If you can’t do something simple like this,” the dean kept saying, “there is no way for you to survive at the academy. You might as well give up now. But you’re not a quitter, are you?”
I wasn’t. I persevered. And little by little, hate and fire trickled into my heart.
The first time someone died in the new year, it was, once again, in Ammit’s class. It all happened so fast. Most of my year mates seemed to have decided that, because of my condition, they were free to target me with their bullying whenever they wished. But Ammit had other ideas.
I was bent over my notebook, scribbling down Ammit’s lecture on bodiless demonic entities, when I felt the surge of power coming at me. I didn’t get the chance to do anything about it. Before I knew it, Ammit was there, shielding me with her own body.
The blast of dark magic struck Ammit in her leonine chest and dissipated harmlessly. A few seats behind me, Berta Bones went as white as the totems her brother so often used.
“I see you like fooling around in my class,” Ammit purred. “Well, then, perhaps you are undeserving of it.”
Berta froze in her seat, unable to say a word. Her brother shot to his feet, trying to defend her. “No, please! Berta didn’t mean anything by it. It’s just... The human! She doesn’t belong here! She’s weak!”
“So are you,” Ammit replied, her voice filled with a deadly calm. “No matter how strong you think you are, there will always be someone stronger than you. And if you make the mistake of breaking the rules of that person, you’ll have to pay the price.”
Before either of the twins could say anything else, Ammit was pouncing. She shoved Bartholomew to the side with ease and went for Berta first. I watched her mercilessly rip apart the girl and as Berta’s screams escalated, I felt nothing but a dose of dark satisfaction.
Bartholomew tried to help his sister. Fire bloomed at his fingertips and he lashed out at Ammit. “Get away from her!”
The blast had no effect, and like Ammit had said, he paid the price for it. The heavy weight of Ammit’s suffocating magic slid over him and the blaze he’d summoned to help Berta died down into nothing. He arched his back and let out a choked noise. “No. I’m begging you... Don’t.”
Ammit ignored his pleas. There was no escape from her, and there were worse fates than death. “You should be careful with who you attack, child. I can see your soul and I will have it as my own, once I make it suffer.”
Berta was still alive, her demonic nature having kept her from instantly succumbing to the injuries Ammit had inflicted. It was her own brother who walked up to her, now completely under Ammit’s control. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t free himself from Ammit’s power. His fire magic returned, only this time, he directed it at the sister he loved so much.
Watching a demon burn alive was a strange experience. They were naturally resilient to the element, but that could be a mixed blessing. If pinned down or weak, their power would eventually lose the battle. They couldn’t suffocate and it took a lot to make them lose consciousness. That meant that Berta Bones was cognizant for the whole hour it took her to burn down to ash. I didn’t know who screamed more loudly, her or her brother. And when she was finally gone, Ammit ripped Bartholomew’s heart out of his chest and ate it while it was still beating.
“Let that be a lesson to all of you,” she said, a growl escaping her bloodied lips. “I will have no one disrespecting my class.”
I knew better than to feel grateful for her strange defense of me, but I still found refuge in the realization that, at least while studying Demonology, I would be safe.
My house mates, on the other hand, were no help. They still didn’t attack me, but they provided me with no support. Mikael avoided me like I had the plague. I wanted to point out epilepsy wasn’t catching and nothing would happen to them if they at least opened their mouths to say ‘hi’ to me in the morning. But it would’ve been wasted effort, so I refrained.
One week after the beginning of the first term, I had my second seizure. It was a little surprising it actually took that long. I’d expected it to happen earlier, since I’d quit the pills so abruptly, but I was no doctor.
I woke up alone in the infirmary, feeling like shit and with only Shiro by my side. I knew it would get worse from there.
It wasn’t just the convulsive seizures I had to worry about. I began to blank out, losing time, having difficulty paying attention to what my teachers were telling me. It was kind of tough to learn magic when halfway through a spell, my brain decided to take a breather because it had already done too much work or something. The absence seizures were less noticeable but almost as disruptive.
By the time the second week rolled in, the only drink available at meals was coffee, alcohol, or black tea. If I wanted to drink anything at all, I needed to bring my own water.
The flashing lights returned, and I realized in amused horror that the other students had used the skills I’d taught them to look up my condition on the Internet.
Fate really was a bitch sometimes, and that was what I got for trying to be nice.
Before long, I was forced to resort to the same method I’d used at the beginning of the year and seek solace in the library. Like in the case of Ammit’s class, there seemed to be an unspoken rule regarding
I didn’t need to sleep here because my dorm mates hadn’t shown any inclination to hurt me, but I still felt their rejection. The library became my best chance to find a solution, a way out of this inescapable situation.
At the end of January, I found the library doors locked for the first time, and Professor Faust waiting for me in front of the room. “Your behavior has been unacceptable, Ms. Michaelis,” he spat at me. “The library isn’t your dorm room. You can’t sleep here whenever you wish.”
“I apologize,” I replied, hating the words even as they crossed my lips. “I wasn’t aware there was a schedule or a rule like that.”
There wasn’t, because if there had been, I’d have figured it out at the beginning of the year, when I’d actually turned the library into my bedroom. But like Lilith, Faust didn’t care. “Mortals. You all think you know best, but you know nothing. From now on, you will be banned from coming to the library.”
“But I need to do research for my classes here,” I tried to protest.
“You should’ve thought of that before you broke the rules.”
Over Faust’s shoulder, I caught sight of Stefan watching the whole grizzly scene. I didn’t cry, but I came close.
“I’m not going to be able to bring you any more books,” I told Redrum, later that day.
The dragon nuzzled me with his snout, like a massive, reptilian version of Shiro. “It’s all right, little human. I was almost done with the Sanskrit anyway. Maybe you can teach me something else. I keep hearing some of the snakes talk about song, but I’ve never gotten the chance to learn.”
I wasn’t sure that was true, but I accepted the comfort Redrum offered anyway. And when Redrum ended up being quite talented at singing Let It Go, I congratulated myself for a job well done. At least I hadn’t fucked everything up, and it was better to come back from a seizure when I had a massive dragon by my side.
* * *
It took two months for Stefan, Callum, and Mikael to approach me as a group. By now, I’d sort of come up with a routine that allowed my existence to not completely suck, but it didn’t always work, as evidenced by what had happened today.
It was late in the evening and I had detention. I’d accidentally skipped Demonology that morning, although not because I wanted to. I’d been too busy having another seizure, recovering from a crippling headache, trying to eat without hurling, and finding enough strength to take a shower.
I kept telling myself that having the seizure didn’t count as long as I woke up from it, but I knew that was a lie. With just Shiro there to support me, I couldn’t tell how long each episode lasted. I didn’t have medication anymore, and I feared that one of these days, I’d start seizing and never stop.
Considering that, I had no desire to speak or even see the dynamic trio. As expected, they made things even worse.
Stefan took one look at me, wrinkled his nose, and said, “You smell.”
I felt like I’d just been slapped. That was always a point of huge embarrassment for me. No matter how much I tried to disregard it, it was impossible to miss the fact that most of the time, when I had a seizure, I pissed myself.
Weirdly, no one at the academy had mentioned it until now. Maybe they’d thought it wasn’t as embarrassing as the simple fault of being weak.
For me, it mattered, but I tried to not let it show. “Do I really? Well, if my odor offends your nose so much, nobody is asking you to be in my presence.”
“Oh, but that’s not true, little mortal.” Stefan grinned at me, and under my very eyes, his human-like teeth morphed into fangs.
If he was trying to scare me, it was working. I knew very well how easily they could hurt me. There was no one around now, no one to stop them if they wanted to kill me.
By my side, Shiro let out a low growl. I tugged on his leash, shushing him. “Look, I don’t want any trouble,” I told the three men. “I have enough on my plate without arguing with you. Let’s just... not do this today. Or at all.”
“There’s just one problem with that,” Callum replied. “You don’t really seem to understand your position. You need to be taught your place.”
“I think I’m being taught my place just fine every day,” I answered between gritted teeth. “Forgive me if I’m trying to overcome that.”
“It’s a fool’s errand,” Mikael said. “I’m telling you again. You need to leave.”
“That’s not your choice to make,” I shot back. “I’m staying. Now, if there isn’t anything more interesting and less repetitive you’d like to share, you’ll just have to excuse me. Lady Ammit is waiting for me.”
With my heart hammering in my chest, I swept past them, hoping they’d let the whole thing go like I’d asked them. They didn’t. Stefan grabbed my arm and shoved me against the wall. “Not even Ammit will indulge you in this for much longer. Nobody will.”
Despite how tightly he was holding onto me, I wasn’t in any pain. He pressed his body against mine, so close that I could feel his heat. It wasn’t that different from the time when we’d been together in the ruins of the Scholomance, and the anxiousness in my heart settled. I had a feeling he didn’t want to hurt me, at least not physically.
“Why do you have to be so stubborn?” he asked. “Why can’t you just listen to us?”
“I’d listen to you if I could, but there’s no way to go back, not anymore. There’s only going forward for me.”
“Your path isn’t a simple, straight road,” he replied. “Nothing is ever so black and white, especially not here.”
That, at least, I could agree with, but it didn’t help me, not now. As far as I could tell, I had two choices—give up and go home, or stay and keep fighting. According to the dean, giving up wasn’t a real option, since it would involve permanent damage to my soul. That left me with the sole alternative to stand my ground.
“You might be true,” I told him, “but cryptic statements like that are pointless when the reality I have to face is far more brutal. You said it yourself. I smell of my own urine. My tongue hurts because I bit down on it this morning, when I had a seizure. And nobody gives a shit.” Nobody except Redrum and Shiro, at least, but I didn’t want to point that out.
“What do you expect me to do? Crawl into a corner and cry? How will that help? If I collapse, who will help me pick the pieces? You all talk about choices, but that word is worthless when coming from the mouths of people who’ve never been shoved into a corner like this.”
At that, Stefan’s hold on me tightened. “You know nothing, Alyssa. You think you understand, but in reality, you’re just fooling yourself. And you have no idea what you’re talking about, especially when it comes to us.”
Had I accidentally hit a sore spot? Oops. Sorry, not sorry.
“Stefan,” Callum said sharply. “Stop. This isn’t what we came here to do.”
Stefan growled, but let me go. Once again, I remembered the dean’s comment, about how Stefan was Callum’s familiar.
Maybe I could’ve pointed that out in more detail, to piss him off, to hit him below the belt, just like he’d done to me. But even if I could now see his vulnerability, I didn’t have the heart to call him an animal, no matter how beastly he might act toward me.
I took a step back and forced myself to fully face them, to not shy away from their hatred and disgust. “I think that from now on, the best thing to do is to ignore one another. You hate my species and my weakness. I hate your bigotry and your behavior. That’s never going to change.
“You’re demons and I’m a human being. I still don’t understand you and I probably never will. I won’t lie. I do feel drawn to you. Maybe that makes me a stupid slut, like Stefan said. But that doesn’t matter, because you know what? I never came here to make friends or find love.
“You once told me that you believed humans and demons could be together. Maybe you were telling the truth. Maybe you were lying. I don’t care any longer. Even if things had been different, I wouldn’t have wanted what you offered. I wouldn’t have wanted you.”
It wasn’t completely true, but it felt good to say. They stared at me in silence and didn’t reply. Maybe they were shocked that a pathetic human like me would dare to say such things, or maybe they were satisfied that my words confirmed what they’d already believed—that I was inferior to them. I was still happy that they didn’t try to draw out the conversation further or say anything else about me leaving.
Honestly, what had they expected? If Lilith destroying my pills hadn’t chased me away from the academy, an argument with the boys I’d almost liked certainly wouldn’t. “Look at it this way. We just have a few more months to go until the year ends, right? When that happens, you’ll be rid of me, and you won’t be an issue for me either. We just have to tough it out until then.”
“So be it,” Callum said darkly. “But don’t say we didn’t warn you.”
I ignored his words and left. Later, once I started my detention, I focused on sweeping Ammit’s office of fallen fur and scales and set aside my conversation with the three princes of the school.
Too late did I realize that I should’ve listened to them.
White Ruin
On the first week of March, PE classes restarted. Here on the island, the dean was the one who controlled the climate, so winter had never turned uncomfortable. But now, we were finally heading toward heat again, which granted us access to the beach.
Polyphemus didn’t change his approach regarding me, not exactly. He didn’t ask me to join the activities of the others, which was a good thing, because I’d have probably never survived it. But he did put me in a position I’d never thought I’d have to face.
“Since you’re not going to participate in my class, Ms. Michaelis, you’ll need to pass an exam that will make up for the lost credits,” he told me.
-->