A Light Within

by Darlene Mindrup

  Garek cleared his throat. “It is understood that you must be allowed your period of mourning. After that. . .after that we shall wed.”

  Knowing that it was coming did nothing to stop the pain Brianna felt. She longed to go somewhere alone and cry her heart out, but that would accomplish nothing. Marie needed her, and for that matter, so did Garek, for in serving Marie, she was serving him.

  The blank look had returned to Marie’s face. She lowered her eyes to the floor, but said nothing.

  “On the morrow,” Garek told her, “we will seek out those who are responsible for this and they will be punished. I have sent word to King William.”

  Garek’s eyes met Brianna’s briefly before he left the room.

  As darkness descended, Mary began to lay the evening meal. Although she had considered the earl a traitor, her sympathetic look strayed from time to time to his daughter.

  Marie sat staring into the fire with trancelike fascination. Periodically, a long sigh would reach across to Brianna, where she knelt to stir the flames.

  “Brianna?”

  Brianna smiled up at the young serving girl. “What is it, Anne?”

  “Alfred has asked that you come. The knight is not doing well, and he has need of your help.”

  Rising swiftly to her feet, Brianna followed the girl from the room. Alfred often asked her help with his patients, for he well knew that Brianna had skill that he did not. The last words heard by the dying were about the love of Jesus.

  When she entered the chamber, she found Alfred bent over his patient, a worried expression on his face.

  “He has lost much blood. I am afraid he may not survive.”

  Brianna went to his side. As she looked down on the young knight, he briefly opened his eyes and stared into hers. His pleading look touched Brianna’s heart.

  “Sir Hormis,” she greeted him. “Pray, how do you feel?”

  He smiled weakly. “I have felt better,” he muttered hoarsely before closing his eyes again.

  Alfred rose to his feet. “There is nothing more I can do for him. I will return on the morrow to see how he fared the night, unless you send me word otherwise.”

  When he had closed the door behind him, Brianna sat on the bed next to the young knight. Taking his hand into hers, she closed her eyes and began to pray.

  ❧

  Garek returned to the castle after seeing to Earl Waverly’s burial. The priest had been summoned and the grave blessed. Now he had only to consider the rest of his duty.

  He mounted the stairs to his bed chamber, for some reason reluctant to enter. Aggravated with himself, he pushed open the door and made his way slowly across the room. He dropped into a chair, exhausted, and began to rub his face with his hands. He leaned back, closing his eyes.

  Deuce, but I am tired. Since some time before he had returned from London, he had not had a single night’s uninterrupted sleep. Each night the dream returned, leaving him in total darkness. There was no longer any source of light. Had he shut himself off from it by his commitment to this marriage?

  His honor would not allow him to think of one woman when he was committed to another. He pounded his fist against the arm of the chair. How could he not think of her when she was in the same abode as he, her very presence the first thing he searched for each morning?

  He pondered his dilemma.

  William would insist on this marriage, he was sure, for he and the earl had been old and dear friends. And in truth, Garek felt honor bound to offer the damsel his protection since he had failed her father.

  But what of Brianna? Garek ground his teeth. How had the wench so wrapped herself into his thoughts, his life, and yes, even his heart? Never had he known a woman like her. At first he had thought her a weak, pitiable creature afraid of her own shadow. But then she had saved his life, suffered abuse, interceded for the people of this shire, and even tried to befriend his future wife.

  A stronger woman he had yet to meet, and he knew strength came to her from above. He longed to possess such strength, for in comparison, he was the weakling.

  He had thought she had feelings for him but now he wasn’t so sure. Could a woman who loved a man just hand him over to another woman? He thought not, for he knew such generosity would be beyond him.

  Did she care? If not, perhaps he could more easily free his mind of her. Getting to his feet, he pressed his lips tightly together. He would find out. Now.

  When he went to Brianna’s room, he found it empty. Even the pup was missing. Heart skipping a beat, he searched until he found her in Sir Hormis’s room. She was gently stroking the hair from his forehead and talking to him as though he were awake.

  “How fares he?”

  Brianna jumped at his voice. Her eyelashes flew downward, but not before Garek had a chance to read what was in her eyes.

  “He is as well as can be expected,” she told him.

  Garek realized that now was not the time to press his question. He studied the young knight’s face a moment before fastening his gaze once again upon Brianna.

  “Tell me if there is any change.”

  “Yea, milord.”

  He continued to watch her, but she refused to lift her eyes to his face. Finally, he left.

  Brianna breathed a sigh of relief. The look in Garek’s eyes had bothered her, for it caused her to hope for things she knew could not be. Was it possible that he really cared for her?

  The door creaked open slowly and Brianna felt her heart give a lurch, but it was only Marie.

  “I thought perhaps you might permit me to sit with Sir Hormis,” she suggested. “Mary seems beside herself, and I am afraid I am not much good in the kitchen. I thought perhaps I would relieve you here, and you could return to your other duties.”

  Smiling warmly, Brianna motioned her into the room.

  “It would please me much,” she told the girl. “There is naught to be done save watch for a change.”

  Marie’s scrutiny took in the color of Hormis’s face and his still figure. “Will he live?”

  “It is in God’s hands,” Brianna told her.

  Something flickered in the girl’s eyes before she seated herself beside the bed. “Yea,” she said tonelessly.

  For a moment Brianna was tempted to challenge the girl, but then she remembered that those had been the precise words she had used regarding the girl’s father. Reasoning with her now would not be advisable, because she needed time to overcome her own pain.

  Brianna returned to the kitchen and began to help Mary prepare the evening meal. Although Mary looked harassed, Brianna realized that she didn’t seem brokenhearted. What then were her feelings for Sir Hormis?

  “How fares the knight?” she asked, and Brianna searched her face for signs of distress. She returned Brianna’s look, her eyes full of compassion, but nothing more.

  “Only time will tell.”

  Though she was concerned, Brianna could see that Mary was not unduly distressed by Sir Hormis’s condition.

  After the evening meal, Brianna went to her favorite place in the garden to think. She pulled her shawl close against the cool night air, studying the stars above her.

  It was said by some that the stars guided one’s destiny. The brilliant glowing lights in the sky twinkled reassuringly back at her. Nay, she thought, I know who guides my fate, I just don’t know His plans concerning me.

  Garek found her seated on a wooden bench, her head thrown back, eyes closed. He hesitated to make his presence known, for there was such a look of peace on her face. It was clear to him that Brianna had been speaking again with the Lord. Garek was awed by her ability to do so.

  For as long as he could remember, only the priests and nuns had dared to speak so familiarly about God, or to Him. It was considered blasphemous to do so. He was a little afraid of Brianna at such times, for it was obvious from the light in her eyes that she did indeed commune with the Lord.

  Sensing a presence, she turned his way, rising swiftly to her feet when she rea
lized who it was.

  “Milord? Am I needed?”

  Waving his hand, he motioned her to return to her seat. “Nay, I wanted only to speak with you.”

  He crossed to her side, staring intently down at her. “You were speaking with God?”

  Alerted by something in his manner, she watched him as she answered him carefully.

  “Yea.”

  Various thoughts chased across his features, though Brianna could not seize any of them in the dim light.

  He sat down next to her on the bench, turning his face upward. “Would that I could do the same.”

  “But Garek, you may. God wants all to call on Him. He wants to be your Father as well as your God.”

  His look searched her face. “It is not proper for someone like me to do so.”

  “Someone like you? You are as much a child of God as anyone. He loves you. He wants to forgive you and be your Father, but He cannot do that unless you first realize your own sins and confess them to Him.”

  Garek snorted. “My sins are too many to confess. It would take all night, and then some.”

  “Then so be it,” she told him softly.

  He shook his head, frowning. “Nay. It cannot be that simple.”

  “But it is. Your sins are no greater than others’.”

  He took her hand and she felt her pulse leap in response. He must have noticed, for his eyes went swiftly to her face.

  “What great sins could you possibly have committed?” he asked, his voice low and husky.

  “We have all sinned, Garek. I am no saint, so do not mistake me for one. Even men chosen by the Lord Himself were not without guilt.”

  She tried to pull her hand away, but he would not release it.

  “I did not realize what I was missing in life until I met you,” he told her, pulling her hand to his lips. The warm pressure against her skin sent the blood rushing through her body.

  This time she jerked her hand away and rose to her feet.

  “I must go in now,” she told him in a quavery voice.

  He took her wrist, keeping her in place. Standing, he bent forward until his face was close to hers.

  One large hand wrapped gently around the back of her neck. “Nay, Brianna. The time for fleeing is past.”

  He pulled her into his strong arms, his lips pressed hungrily against hers. For a moment she remained motionless in his arms, returning his kiss, for this was where she yearned to be.

  But then reality returned, and with it, thoughts of the beautiful young woman waiting inside who would one day be this man’s bride. She began to struggle, pulling her lips away.

  “Nay, Garek! Unhand me!”

  Garek loosened his hold, but refused to relinquish his possession.

  “Do you deny that you love me?” He shook her slightly. “Do you?”

  She shook her head from side to side. “Nay, but you are betrothed. Have you forgotten?”

  Finally he released her and they stood face to face, both breathing raggedly.

  Garek’s eyes glittered with some inner fire. “Yea, I had forgotten.”

  Brianna could see his struggle as he tried to regain control of himself. Pushing past him, she fled to the safety of the keep, and this time, he let her go.

  nine

  Brianna paced up and down in her bed chamber, her agitation evident as she chewed nervously on her bottom lip. She had to leave. She couldn’t possibly stay, for if Garek ever decided to push his suit, she was not sure how long she could hold him off; and it was possible that Garek, and yes, even she herself, would betray all that they both believed in.

  Laughing without mirth, Brianna felt her own shame. Often she had chided the women in this shire for their fleshly desires, warning them of possible consequences, and yet here she was for the first time in her life experiencing the same thing.

  Where Garek was concerned, she had little willpower with which to resist. She had not believed Mary when Mary had told her that when a woman loves a man, she becomes his pawn. Her own love would make her a slave if she were not careful. She would not, could not, betray her Lord.

  Throwing herself to the floor beside Loup, Brianna absently stroked the dog’s fur.

  “What can I do, Loup? I cannot stay here, but I am forbidden to leave the manor.”

  Loup whined softly, nuzzling her hand with his muzzle. Brianna smiled down at him.

  “And what of you? Who would take care of you? Mary, perhaps, but I do not think you would stay, would you, my friend?”

  Brianna decided that her only course of action for the moment was to stay as far from Garek as possible.

  ❧

  Brianna studied the young knight lying motionless in the bed. She wished there was more she could do for him besides pray, but there was not.

  Leaning forward, she removed the cloth from Hormis’s fevered brow and replaced it with a fresh, cooler one. She shifted her weight in the chair, her tired muscles rebelling at this inactivity.

  How long had she been sitting here? Her rumbling stomach told her it was long past time for the noon meal. Had Mary forgotten to bring her a tray, or was she too busy?

  The door creaked open and Marie Waverly entered, balancing a tray across her arm. Brianna rose and took the food from her, allowing Marie to close the door behind her.

  “How is he today?” she asked, nodding her head toward Hormis.

  “There has been no change,” Brianna told her. “But he is no worse, either.”

  “I will sit with him later, if you wish.”

  Brianna smiled at the girl. Although Brianna was only a few years older than Marie, she felt immeasurably older. Brianna welcomed the fact that the two had become friends when so much was against them. It was hard not to like Marie.

  “I would very much appreciate that, Marie. Mary has too much to attend to as it is.”

  Smiling slightly, Marie left Brianna to her meal. As she ate, Brianna let her mind wander. She hadn’t encountered Garek yet this day and her mind balked at the idea of approaching him about leaving the manor. His temper was unpredictable at the best of times; what would he be like if she dared suggest she must leave?

  Garek seemed to have developed a fixation upon her as his only means of salvation. She had tried repeatedly to tell him of the Lord’s love for him and that he need only accept the Lord’s offer to be his Father.

  Garek just could not understand this, believing himself unforgivable. What pain that must cause a man who wanted peace so badly.

  When Marie returned later, Brianna took her tray and went to the kitchen. Mary was nowhere to be found, so Brianna set about preparing the evening meal. With so many men to feed, it seemed she and Mary were constantly providing food.

  She prepared a special broth that she hoped she could feed to Sir Hormis, setting it aside to cool. The young knight was fighting for his life and Brianna was determined to help him as much as possible.

  Brianna climbed the stairs, carefully holding the bowl of broth. She was not aware of Garek’s presence until he was standing before her on the steps.

  They looked at each other a long moment before Garek indicated the bowl. “For Hormis?”

  “Yea,” she answered, unable to form a coherent sentence. Last night’s scene still played over and over in her mind, bringing a blush to her cheeks.

  Garek smiled slightly at the telltale color. Moving aside, he allowed her to continue her ascent. Brianna could feel his eyes watching her, but she refused to look around.

  Brianna found Marie sitting quietly, busily employed with her needlework. She smiled at Brianna.

  “Would you like me to try to feed him some broth when he wakes?”

  Surprised, Brianna looked from one to the other. “Has he awakened?”

  Marie nodded. “A few times, but he does not stay awake long.”

  Brianna smiled widely. “It is a good sign. I will stay and watch now, if you have other things to attend to.”

  “Nay,” Marie told her. “I have nothing els
e to keep me occupied.”

  Watching the girl, Brianna couldn’t help but feel for her. What must it be like to have no duties to perform, no tasks to make life worthwhile? Marie was not yet lady of this manor, nor could she call any other place home. Brianna realized Marie must feel as though she had nowhere to belong and no one to turn to. Perhaps that was why Brianna felt herself so drawn to the girl.

  “Let me know as soon as Sir Hormis awakens, will you?” Brianna asked.

  Garek was waiting for her outside the door.

  “I wish to speak with you.”

  Brianna studied his face, but it gave away nothing of his thoughts or feelings. She followed him into his bed chamber, very aware of the precariousness of the situation. Still, Garek was lord of this manor, and as such, his word was law.

  Garek closed the door behind them and Brianna felt her stomach give a lurch. Trying to curb her feelings, she turned a blank stare toward Garek.

  “Yea, milord?”

  He leaned his back against the door, his hands behind him. He stayed that way so long, Brianna felt her own resolve to control her feelings give way. She was more nervous than she could ever remember being in his presence.

  When he moved away from the door, Brianna hurried to put between them the huge hand-carved table that Garek had added to the rather spartan chamber. Even it seemed a rather flimsy barrier, but she felt the need for something.

  Garek placed his palms on the table, leaning forward and impaling her with his glance.

  “We must needs get this settled between us,” he told her, his voice raspy.

  “There is nothing to settle, milord. There is nothing between us.”

  Garek looked down at the table separating them, one eyebrow winging upward as his look returned to her face. “What is between us is more than this flimsy table. We must settle this, Brianna, or I will go mad.”

  Brianna shrugged her shoulders helplessly. “Garek, you are betrothed. Yea, I have feelings for you, but they can come to naught.” Leaning forward, she beseeched him with her eyes. “Let me leave this manor.”

  Garek reared back as though he had been struck. His gray eyes grew icy with suppressed anger. “Never.”