A Light Within

by Darlene Mindrup

  “Then what would you suggest, milord?”

  His voice came back soft, evocative. “I would suggest that you come out from behind that table and let us discuss this more thoroughly.”

  Brianna took a step backward, vehemently shaking her head.

  A grin tugged at Garek’s mouth. “You do not trust me?”

  Again that shake of the head. “Nay, nor do I trust myself.”

  Growing weary of the game, Garek moved around the table, but Brianna moved as quickly in the opposite direction.

  “Brianna!”

  The message in Garek’s eyes sent a fire tingling all the way to her toes.

  “Garek, this is no game we are playing at!”

  “Yea, you think I know it not?”

  Reaching out a hand, Brianna unconsciously pleaded with him. “Think of Marie.”

  Before answering, Garek’s hand snatched and took Brianna’s wrist. Gently he began tugging her toward him. He could see the fear leap into her eyes, and it gave him pause. Was she really afraid of him?

  When she was finally standing before him, Garek could see that she was trembling. Lifting a hand, he stroked the back of it along her cheek.

  “I do not wish to harm you, Brianna. I only want to hold you.”

  “Nay, Garek,” she whispered. “It is not right. You belong to another.”

  “Nay, ma cherie,” he told her. “I belong only to you.”

  Jerking her head up, she stared at him in surprise. What was he saying? What about his betrothal? Marie had no one and could not just be set aside.

  “What of Marie?”

  Garek shook his head, closing his palms around her face. “I will think of something. I will not give you up.”

  When his lips came down on hers, Brianna allowed him his moment. Already her mind was forming a plan, and she knew this could be the last kiss she ever received from Garek. She gave him kiss for kiss, then pulled herself free of his arms.

  “I must go and see to Sir Hormis,” she told him breathlessly, keeping her eyes on the plank floor.

  “Yea,” he answered softly. “Perhaps that would be best.” He watched her cross the room and open the door.

  Before she could leave, he told her, “I am taking some men and I will try to find those who have murdered Earl Waverly. When I return, we will discuss this further.”

  “Yea, milord.”

  Some time later, Brianna watched from Hormis’s window as the men rode away, her heart aching with longing. She had thought she was destined to never know a woman’s love for a man, and now that she had, it brought nothing but pain.

  Garek had given his oath to William, and again to Marie Waverly. The Scriptures taught that an oath should never be entered into unless you were willing to fulfill it. To break an oath was a sin, and Brianna could not bear to bring that disgrace upon Garek.

  Climbing the stairs to her room, Brianna sat on her bed. When Loup climbed up beside her, she wrapped her arms around his neck.

  Her heart was heavy, but it had to be done. She had to leave this place, and she now knew where she could flee. Picking up her cloak, she tied a rope to Loup’s neck and left.

  ❧

  “What say you?”

  Garek tried to control his rage as Mary trembled on her knees before him. It was not the girl’s fault, but he needed to vent his fury.

  “I tell you she is gone. No one has seen her for two days.” Fear twisted Garek’s insides as he thought of the possible consequences of Brianna’s action. Wolves ranged the countryside, and not all of them were of the four-legged variety.

  Calming himself, Garek reached down and gently pulled the quaking girl to her feet. Two days! Garek regretted now that he had decided to follow his quarry until he found them. Yes, he did find them, and thankfully they had chosen to fight, because Garek had no idea what form his punishment would have taken otherwise. But due to his tarrying, Brianna had two days head start on him, and he had no idea in which direction she’d fled.

  His anger flared anew. When he got his hands on the girl, she would pay dearly for causing him such anguish. Turning, Garek strode to the door leading to the courtyard. Bellowing for his knights, he awaited their answer to his summons.

  Barough was the first to reach Garek’s side.

  “Gather some of the men. Brianna is lost.”

  Eyes wide, Barough hastened to obey. The men gathered in the courtyard, awaiting Garek’s instructions.

  Triden handed Garek the reins to his horse and together they mounted. With a clatter of hooves they exited the castle courtyard.

  Garek sent his men in all directions, knowing they would do their best to find the maid, for each loved her in his own way. Faces intent, they scoured the ground for clues.

  Darkness was descending when the men returned to the castle, their faces pinched with their failure. Garek alone remained mounted as his men dismounted and made their way into the great hall.

  Marie Waverly stood in the open doorway, her concerned face lifted to his in question.

  “We have not found her,” he told her, his voice devoid of emotion. “I will continue the search as soon as Sir Barough brings me some provisions.”

  Barough returned to his side, handing Garek the provender he had requested. His worried eyes searched Garek’s face.

  “It is not good to be out after dark, my liege. It is not safe, even for a knight such as you. Bands of brigands still tread our shire.”

  One look into Garek’s eyes convinced Barough that any man who crossed Garek’s path with less than honorable intentions was a fool.

  Reining his steed about, Garek was quickly out of sight.

  ❧

  Each day, Garek sent his men out riding in an ever widening circle to cover the land about him. Querying the villeins in the vicinity brought no information. Brianna seemed to have disappeared without a trace.

  At night, Garek slumped into his chair nursing a mug of ale. His demeanor kept even the bravest of souls away from him.

  If Marie were afraid of him before, she was terrified of him now. There was no doubt in her mind that Garek loved Brianna. It was all too apparent. It was also apparent that Brianna had fled for that very reason. Did she fear the lord of the manor? Had his attentions become less than honorable? Or did she flee for another reason?

  It had been almost a fortnight since Brianna’s disappearance and still there had been no word. Garek fought the deep depression he found himself sinking into. It was becoming more and more reasonable to assume that something terrible had happened to Brianna. Garek’s only reassurance was that she had taken her dog with her. The beast had grown huge in the half-year duration of his life.

  Garek found Brianna’s favorite spot in the garden and seated himself on the stone where she normally perched. He lifted his eyes heavenward. Did he dare? What had he to lose? He was half dead anyway.

  Clearing his throat, he hesitantly spoke his thoughts aloud. “Great God of Heaven. . .” He stopped, unable to go on. What did one say to the Creator of the universe? How did Brianna do it?

  Finally Garek bowed his head and let his anguish speak for him. In the end, he found he needed no words. The agony of his soul spoke for him. He pleaded for her life, that she would be safe. He promised to treat her more honorably in the future. And he begged for her to be returned to him.

  When he opened his eyes again, he was exhausted. Getting slowly to his feet, he sluggishly made his way back to the keep. He knew he had been heard as surely as he knew the stars were twinkling overhead. But, would his prayers be answered?

  ❧

  The watchman shouted his warning early the next morning. A lone rider approached. The guard opened the gate, giving them an indication that the visitor was known.

  Garek regarded Sir Bolson making his way slowly up the hill toward him. There was no smile on either man’s face as each remembered their parting.

  Bolson stopped in front of Garek, his eyes trying to gauge the older knight’s reaction.


  “Sir Bolson,” Garek acknowledged. “What brings you to our shire?”

  Bolson hadn’t missed the fact that there had been no welcome in Garek’s greeting.

  “King William sent me.”

  Surprised, Garek watched as Bolson dismounted. Handing the reins to a villein standing nearby, Bolson turned back to Garek.

  “I have come, also, to apologize.”

  Garek said nothing, though his face relaxed. Reaching out a hand, Garek waited for Bolson to take his arm. They clasped each other’s forearms.

  “I have been a fool,” Garek told his friend. “And you were the only one who was wise enough to see it.”

  A grin lifted one corner of Bolson’s mouth. “Nay, my liege. Not wise. I was the only one fool enough to question you.”

  Garek returned his smile with one of his own. “Nay, you were the only one brave enough to tell me the truth, and I turned on you. I fear I had no desire to face the truth.”

  Bolson followed Garek into the keep, his eyes searching the main hall. His look fastened on Mary, standing demurely by the doorway to the cooking chamber. She dropped her eyes, her face coloring hotly.

  Garek turned to his friend. “You have heard about Earl Waverly and Sir Hormis?”

  Bolson nodded. “Aye, it is why William has sent me. He wishes me to inform you that he will be here within the month to help preside over your wedding to Marie Waverly.”

  The look that crossed Garek’s face was not lost on his friend. “He said to spare no expense. We are to give the people of England something to celebrate, something to take their minds off of war and destruction.”

  Bolson glanced quickly around the room. “He also says to tell you to begin work on a new castle—a stone castle, to repel invaders.”

  Garek snorted. “Had England done so in the beginning, perhaps this land would still belong to them. Yea, it is wise of William to so protect his throne.”

  Sir Bolson continued to watch the people entering and leaving the chamber. Garek noticed his interest.

  “Are you seeking someone in particular, Sir Bolson?”

  “Yea. I was wondering where Brianna was.”

  This was the very thing that had caused the breach in their friendship before. Garek’s eyes grew cold. Has Bolson decided that since William is coming to see I am wed, now is the time to claim Brianna? He can think again!

  He had another thought. Could Bolson be the answer to my prayer? Has God intended this from the beginning? Quailing at the thought, Garek turned to anger to ease his pain.

  “Brianna is gone.”

  Swiveling back to face him, Bolson’s face registered surprise. “Gone? Where?”

  The room grew strangely quiet. Garek shoved one hand back through his blond hair. “No one knows.”

  Bolson’s surprise was followed by dread, and then anger of his own. “What say you, no one knows? How can this be?”

  “She left,” Garek told him flatly. “Without telling anyone. Not even Mary.”

  Bolson glared at Garek a long moment before turning and heading for the door.

  “Where are you going?” Garek demanded.

  “To find her.”

  “It is what we have tried to do for a fortnight now.”

  Bolson turned in frustration. “I will not come back until I have found her.”

  “And what then?”

  Bolson glowered back at him, “And then I intend to marry her.”

  Whirling about, he left the room.

  ten

  Brianna knelt on the cold stone floor and stared across the room at the woman seated at the table before her. Brianna had confessed all, and the abbess only smiled gently with no evidence of reproof.

  “Perhaps, Brianna, it is God’s way of bringing you back to service for Him.”

  Frowning in confusion, Brianna shook her head slightly. “I fear I do not understand what you are saying.”

  The abbess leaned back in her chair. “Women who enter the Lord’s service give up much to do so. The only love they will ever know is the love of the people they serve. It is not enough for some, and they seek more elsewhere.”

  Brianna nodded. She understood that well, because no matter how much she had believed a man could never love her, she had hungered for it. Now, having known that feeling and realizing it could never be hers, the thought of giving her whole life to God was not so frightening.

  Speaking more to herself than to the other woman, Brianna asked softly, “What is it, Mother, that makes a woman choose one man out of all the men of the world? And the same for a man? What makes people see only each other when there are others more fair, or more handsome?” She was thinking of Edward’s wife Ruina, who, although beautiful beyond comparison, had chosen Edward, who could only be described as plain.

  They had been so happy together. Ruina had adored her husband, and Edward had been gentle, kind, and loving, both as a husband and a father. Only after the death of wife and child had Edward changed.

  And what of Garek? Why did he seek out Brianna when he had the beautiful Marie right at his fingertips? And out of all the available men, why had it been the dark knight who had so touched Brianna’s heart?

  Smiling with understanding, the nun answered softly, “It is a miracle of God that man cannot explain. Perhaps God Himself finds us our mates if we will only listen when He calls us to them. But one must listen with the heart and not just with the body.”

  Coming from one who had denounced such worldly things, Brianna was amazed at the woman’s understanding.

  The nun’s look hardened, if that were possible of such a gentle lady. “Brianna, you cannot hide from love. If that is what you seek to do, then you cannot stay here.”

  Brianna dropped her eyes so that the sister would not see the guilt she felt was surely residing there. “I seek only time to know God’s will for my life. I have always wished to do only His will.”

  Getting up from her chair, the abbess crossed to Brianna and placed a hand lovingly on her lowered head. “I know, child. It has always been your way. Even after so many years away from us, your light still shines as brightly as ever.”

  In light of the past few months, Brianna questioned the truth of the statement. She felt as though she had let the Lord down terribly. “Then I may stay, Mother?”

  The nun hesitated only a moment before removing her hand and returning to her seat behind the table. “Yea, Brianna. You may stay. For a time. But I wish you to listen for God’s leading in your life.”

  Sighing with relief, Brianna rose from her knees. “Thank you, Mother.”

  Making her way to the garden, Brianna tried to squelch her feelings of unhappiness. The happiest times of her life had been behind these cloistered walls, and she was seeking the peace that seemed to have fled from her.

  Loup whined when she entered the small courtyard. Brianna’s heart constricted at his downcast expression. He had never been tied before and he didn’t understand the restriction now. It was only by the abbess’s grace that he had been allowed to stay at all.

  She went to him, kneeling beside him and stroking his fur. “What else could I do? I dared not leave you behind, for you would have led them straight to me.”

  Her thoughts were in turmoil. Would Garek seek her out? Would he even care that she was gone? Part of her hoped that he would, the other part firmly berated her for wishing such a thing.

  Would anyone else miss her? Maybe Mary. Brianna felt a twinge of remorse, realizing that she was probably causing her friend anguish. The two of them had been close for many years, ever since Mary’s father had been brought to the convent to recover from some strange illness that had made others in the village so afraid, they had wanted to kill him.

  The nuns had cared for him, as they did anyone who had need of a place to stay. It was during this time that Brianna and Mary had become fast friends. Mary came to see her father every day, and although she would have cared for him probably as well as the nuns, she realized he was better protec
ted at the convent.

  This had been at the time Brianna was going through her period of novitiate—preparation to become a full Benedictine nun. She never finished that training, though, for Edward removed her from the convent, saying he had need of her.

  She had felt it her duty to go, especially since Edward’s family had been killed in such an appalling way. She had wanted to help Edward by giving him both her help and her love. The one he accepted, the other he fiercely rejected.

  Brianna watched him change overnight from a loving, gentle man to a vengeful monster with no care for human life. Often he took his anger out on her, and at times she had fled to Mary for a respite from his anger.

  She had considered returning to the convent but she was afraid of what Edward might do, for he had no fear of God or the church and rejected anything they might stand for. Perhaps that was why she angered him so much, because even in the most trying times, she always went to her Lord for help and comfort.

  Now she had a chance to finish her novitiate, but she knew it would only happen if she could convince Garek to allow it. The abbess would not allow her to do so unless she received permission from the lord of the manor.

  But would he grant her that permission? Certainly not at this moment. Perhaps in time, if the abbess first talked with him as she had suggested.

  Getting to her feet, she took Loup’s lead and led him to the outer courtyard for some exercise. How would she convince the good sisters to allow Loup to sleep in her cell with her? She needed him, more than ever now.

  ❧

  The ominous sheen of Garek’s eyes gave Bolson pause, but Bolson’s own anger was past endurance. His frustration at having been unable to locate Brianna added to his already frayed temper.

  “As part of this manor, Brianna belongs to me. What makes you think I will give her over to you?”

  Bolson held his ground. “This manor is yours by King William’s leave. It actually belongs to him.”

  “It is the same thing.”