With Me

by Gabbie S. Duran

  His lips go flat as he considers my request, but he soon nods his head as he steps away, allowing me to walk past him. It’s slow at first, but I start walking towards my workstation with eager determination, but I’m soon brought to a halt when Joseph blocks me from taking any further steps, once I’m near the tables.

  “If you think for one minute, Kasey, that you’re going back to work, then your wrong. You’re supposed to be resting and taking it easy. I’m not letting you work,” he sternly states in a distressed tone as he now glares back at me.

  My mouth gapes open in shock. “Who are you to tell me what I can and cannot do, Joseph? Don’t you dare say you’re going to pay my bills because if you do, I will scream,” I snap at him, my finger pointed at him daring him to try to say another word to me.

  The entire time I was in the hospital, the stress of knowing I was falling behind on work was building inside of me. It was evident on my face, making Joseph grow curious to ask what was wrong. When I told him, he automatically responded for me not to worry, he’d take care of it. I didn’t like the idea. I’ve been responsible for myself since the day I was forced to leave my house and I wasn’t going to change just because I was injured.

  I knew deep down inside it wasn’t a good idea to allow Joseph to take responsibility of me. He was engaged. He should be focusing his attention on his fiancée. From the small conversations I managed to get from him, in regards to her, I was starting to get the idea that he hadn’t told his fiancée the real reason why he was in Madison, which only annoyed me. It’s as if he was keeping me as his dirty little secret and it wasn’t sitting well with me. Another reason why I was so determined to recover was so Joseph could leave again.

  Every time the ringtone announcing her call came through, he would excuse himself and always returned looking worried. I’d asked several times if she knew why he was truly here, but he refused to answer. He’d instead change the subject, annoying me with his lack of answer, so I stopped asking.

  Returning my thoughts to the subject at hand, I remind him, “I need to work in order to pay my own bills and provide for myself and my daughter.”

  Stepping closer to me as he takes my face into his hands, he forces me to look directly at him. I’m still so infuriated from the thought of him refusing to allow me to work, that I’m practically shaking with agitation, but the moment his hands touch me it all disappears. It's as if I had never been upset.

  “You can scream all you want, Kasey, but I am going to take care of you, regardless. The sooner you realize it’s more important for you to rest, the sooner I will be happy and leave you alone,” his calm collective voice conveys, telling me he’s not going to budge on his decision.

  As much as I want to stay angry with him, I can’t. I don’t have the energy left in me anymore to do so. Sighing to myself, I stand there nodding my head in defeat, earning me a smile. His smile should make me feel bitter, but instead I shyly smile back to him, causing me to think. I don’t know what I’m going to do with him, but I better figure it out soon, because there is no way I’m going to be able to keep pushing him away; especially when he acts this way.

  I’M STILL FROZEN in place as he continues to stare back at me, still holding my face within his hands, making me feel like I’m the most important thing he sees, like I’m something worth caring about. I want to believe I am, but I remind myself this is Joseph, and my heart and mind are telling me to keep fighting him; it’s for my own good.

  He’s left before, twice in fact, and he will leave again. Knowing I was now out of the hospital, it would be soon, which is why I was already mentally preparing myself for it. But what I couldn’t handle was these mind games he was beginning to play with me. He was giving me false hope. Forcing myself to focus, I’m about to argue with him, to let him know I make my own decisions and that he has no right to make them for me when, of course, his phone rings. It doesn’t surprise me. It’s been happening more often the last two days.

  He rapidly releases me, as if my face has burned his palms, scorching his skin. He takes a step back, his eyes still locked onto mine as if he’s waiting for me to react. Instead I keep my eyes locked onto his. I’m waiting to see what he’ll do next. His reaction to the ringtone doesn’t surprise me. It’s been the same, as it always is, every time it rings. The musical sound from the phone shocked me back to reality, like a bucket of cold water being dumped on both of us, awaking our senses back to the reality of our life, reminding me of the reason why I can’t have hope. Instead I avert my eyes away from his, already feeling ashamed of what was happening just moments ago. The troubled look on his face is the only answer I need to confirm what we were doing was wrong. Elizabeth calling is a reminder that Joseph needs to get his priorities straight, and his main priority should be her, not me.

  The melody has now stopped, but just as quickly, it repeats itself, notifying him she’s not giving up this time, like she usually does. I watch his body tense, his eyes closing as he lifts his head back to let out a deep breath, accompanied by a scowl on his face. He opens them up to look at the phone. “I’ve got to take this,” he says, walking away to the door that leads outside, without a backwards glance.

  Standing there, I watch him walk out of the door, my thoughts wondering if he’s going to tell her this time. Pushing the thought aside, I make my way over to the couch to join Josephina while she watches TV. It allows me to continue thinking. Something I need to do.

  I tried talking to him about the phone calls, giving me an excuse for something to discuss as we grew bored in the hospital, but he would keep his answers short and to the point, making it obvious he didn’t want to discuss her; never showing any real emotion, either.

  It worried me.

  The curiosity got the better of me. Even if it hurt a little deep down inside to know that she would soon be his wife, I wanted to learn more about the person he was about to marry. I kept telling myself I only wanted to know for the sake of Josephina. She would soon be a permanent part of my daughter’s life. Whether I liked it or not, she was Joseph’s future. That’s if Joseph had plans to continue being in Josephina’s life after he married Elizabeth. It was another subject still lingering in my mind. I know Joseph hasn’t told his fiancée the true reason he was here. I could see the frustration in his eyes when he was done speaking with her.

  I kept wondering if he spent most of the conversation dodging her questions about him being here. I didn’t like the idea of him hiding things from her. If I were in her place, I wouldn’t want it done to me. For that reason alone, I was upset he was still here. I told him countless times to go home, but he’d refused, stating he didn’t have a reason to go back. It only made me question what kind of man Joseph really was.

  “Is daddy talking to his friend again?” Josephina’s question draws me to the present, making me turn my attention to her.

  “Yes, sweetheart, he is,” I say brushing her hair back off her face.

  Joseph hasn’t told Josephina about Elizabeth, but from the look on her face, I have a feeling she knew his friend was more than a friend. Josephina was a smart girl, she’d noticed the phone calls as well, but when she had originally asked, my only answer had been he was speaking to his friend.

  I know deep down inside I should have told her the truth, but I couldn’t bring it upon myself to tell her. It hurt too much, considering what she would think when we’d have to explain that Joseph was getting married to someone else; someone who he’d soon have a family with, if that is what they decided. My thoughts are broken when I see Joseph come back in looking frustrated, as he usually does, when he’s done talking to Elizabeth.

  He walks straight back to us, taking a seat next to me on the couch, forcing me to be in the middle between him and Josephina. Being that my couch is small, my body is closely squeezed up to his, leaving him to throw his arm over the back of the couch behind me. He leans his head back as he rubs his closed eyes with the thumb and forefinger of his other hand; another common thin
g he does after the phone calls.

  “She’s still not coming around?” I curiously ask him.

  He stays quiet, and the silence is my answer.

  He lifts his head back up to look at me. “Ashley called while I was on the phone with her and invited us to dinner,” he states, changing the subject, as if trying to distract me.

  I cringe at the thought of going to their house for dinner. It isn’t that I don’t want to see them, it’s the fact that I already feel guilty for everything they’ve done for me while I was in the hospital. It’s another reason for me to feel guilt ridden.

  “I don’t know,” I tell him. “I don’t want to impose on Ashley anymore than I already have. She’s done a great deal for me, with watching Josephina while I was in the hospital. She must have felt overwhelmed watching her so much,” I state, still looking over at Joseph who looks exhausted.

  The day I awoke, I had insisted he start going home at night to properly rest. Although he did leave upon my insistence, he would leave really late and return really early, usually before I’d awaken. I felt bad for him, but he wouldn’t leave my side for more than a couple of hours, which was usually to pick Josephina up or drop her off at Mark and Ashley’s.

  That was another benefit of waking up. They were able to move me to a regular room, allowing Josephina to visit with me. However, she would grow bored in my hospital room after four or five hours, which left me to depend on Ashley to watch over Josephina.

  Joseph stands up from the couch, extending his arm down towards me so I can take his hand to help me up. Taking it, my hand wraps into his, reacting with an excitement that travels throughout my body. Ironically, it’s been happening more often whenever he touches me.

  I don’t know what the hell is happening with me, but I know deep down inside that I couldn’t allow myself to feel this way with Joseph. I just couldn’t seem to get my body to understand it.

  Still sitting, I look up to him. “Are you sure you wouldn’t rather just rest. You’re welcome to use the bed if you’d like,” I offer, as I have been doing, hoping he’ll say yes, but of course I already know the answer he’ll most likely give me.

  He wearily looks at me, this time actually smiling when he says, “If you think it will get you out of going over to Ashley’s for dinner, then the answer is no.”

  Rolling my eyes at him, as I give up the notion of trying to be considerate, I allow him to pull me up. When he does, it’s with a little too much force, causing me to stumble. He catches me, though, by wrapping his arm around my waist and pulling me up against his body to steady me. My arms are locked in between us, making me place my hands on his chest as I feel the warmth of his body radiating on me. I easily lose my breath, being so close to him. My heart feels like its racing as it pounds within my chest as I inhale him in, my mind starting to swirl. I can only stare up at him, hoping I don’t make a fool of myself by giving away how badly he affects me.

  It’s uncontrollable.

  “Mommy, are we going to Auntie Ashley’s house?”

  Joseph breaks eye contact with me as he looks down at Josephina. “Yes princess, we’re going over there for dinner,” he says down to her, his gaze eventually meeting mine again.

  “Yay.” Is the only thing I hear in the background as Joseph wearily smiles down at me, making me realize it’s happening again. He’s making me feel things I shouldn’t be feeling, but I can’t seem to control myself.

  Pushing myself away from him, I quickly step my way around him, needing to put as much distance between us as I can. I need to stop letting myself have these feelings.

  Even with protest, a couple of minutes later we’re all piling into the rental car my insurance company provided me with, and on our way to Ashley and Mark’s. Being that Joseph is driving, I’m able to stare out my window, refusing to look at him. My body is still humming from him holding me earlier, so I’m desperately trying to get it under control.

  I couldn’t be more relieved when we arrive at Mark and Ashley’s, soon making our way up to the front door. I need other people to help provide a protective barrier between us. The minute we walk in, Josephina runs straight into the living room that is connected to the kitchen, looking for Mark. I shouldn’t expect anything different, she did spend more than a week here. It probably feels like her second home now.

  I shyly make my way towards the kitchen with Joseph at my side as he guides me with his hand on the small of my back; another thing he’s been doing a lot of. He claims it’s in case I need him to help steady me.

  When I reach the kitchen, Ashley spots me and rushes over to give me a tight hug. “How are you feeling?” she asks, her voice sounding concerned, even though I’ve reassured her plenty of times I’m feeling better.

  “I’m fine, thank you. It’s good to see you,” I say, still embracing her.

  “I’m happy to see you, too.”

  I pull away to say, “Ashley, I want to thank you and Mark for everything you’ve done while I was in the hospital, l really appreciate it.”

  Her face beams as she gives me a smile. “Kasey, I would do it again in a heartbeat. Josephina was very helpful. You did a really great job of raising her. Plus, it felt good to have someone around to have a conversation with.”

  I can only chuckle at her response. Josephina is really good at holding conversations, I should know, she does with me all day long. It is helpful when I’m working sometimes.

  With a nod, Ashley returns to what she was doing in the kitchen when we entered and it allows me to search for the subject of our conversation. I quickly find her sitting in between Joseph and Mark watching TV, her body leaning against Joseph as he embraces her. Those sights are what I’m going to miss most on Josephina’s behalf. Seeing her with her father is bittersweet. It’s hard to believe that he was simply a stranger to her weeks ago, but he will soon be gone again.

  Turning my attention back to Ashley, I ask if I can help with anything. She dismisses my offer, making me take a seat in the chair at the kitchen island. Ten minutes later, we’re all enjoying dinner. Almost two hours later, dinner is done and everything is cleaned up, allowing Ashley and I to speak alone. It’s when the conversation of my business arises, that I don’t hesitate to tell her the dilemma I had with Joseph earlier in the afternoon

  With a roll of her eyes, she simply responds, “That doesn’t surprise me about Joseph. If he’s anything like Mark, and I’m pretty sure he is, then he’s going to be overbearing. You just have to let him think he’s winning.”

  Grumbling to myself I take in her words. I’ve already figured that part out. Even if I didn’t like the idea, she was right. “I don’t know how much longer I can go without working, though. My income depends on it. I have some money saved up, but it’s going to run out if I don’t get back to work. I’m going to end up losing the only customers I currently have and I can’t afford to do that. My future depends on them,” I mumble.

  “Have you ever considered selling your products over the Internet?”

  I take in her question and remember the one time I did. “I did, but it’s so expensive to hire a web designer and trying to build a website on my own sounds too difficult. I wouldn’t have a clue how to make my own webpage if I tried it myself. I might know how to use a computer, but designing a webpage is out of my league,” I admit, already sighing from the discouragement of knowing it’s not possible.

  “I only ask because I gave my mom and sister each a soap from the basket you gave me. I hope you don’t mind,” she states before she continues on. “But, after I used one, I knew they would love it too. You’re really good at what you do, Kasey. I think you’d be a great success if you were to expand by selling over the Internet.”

  Sighing to myself, I tell her, “I know, but I just don’t have the money to do it. Thanks for the idea, though.”

  Her lips go into a triumphant smile. “Well, good thing I’m a web designer and I can do it myself,” she informs me, her eyes beaming with pride.


  I’m left shocked. “But, I thought you were a housewife?” I say, feeling embarrassed by my own words.

  I’m mortified by my assumption, and it must be showing on my face, because she chuckles at me. “I work from home. It’s convenient and I can run my own business how I choose. You know how convenient it can be to work at your own pace and when you want to. It will especially help when the baby comes,” she states, rubbing at her swollen belly.

  “Ashley, there is no way I would be able to afford your services,” I sadly admit. “Thank you for the offer, but like I said, I really can’t afford to pay you what you probably charge. I barely have enough to keep afloat some months. That’s why I have to be really froogle with what I do earn,” the disappointment clear in my voice.

  “I’ll make a deal with you. How about in exchange for me designing your webpage, I get a supply of soaps every month. With my help it will be fantastic. I’ll update it with new products and merchandise, when needed, so you don’t have to worry about it,” she offers, hesitantly waiting for a response.

  She looks as if she’s holding her breath as she waits for my answer, and I feel the same way as I consider her offer. “Oh come on, Kasey. What would you have to lose? Try it for the next couple of months,” she enforces, to try and convince me. “You can still do the Farmer’s Market thing for the rest of the summer. If you’re not happy with the profits from the website sales we can always take it down. It’s worth taking the chance on, isn’t it?” she states, looking like she isn’t going to take no for an answer.

  Considering her offer, knowing I should take the chance, I smile with a nod. “Okay, we have a deal.”

  She squeals with excitement, embracing me to give me a hug, reminding me that I’m still sore, making me flinch. “Oh, I’m so sorry. I forgot,” she says as she releases me.