With Me

by Gabbie S. Duran

  Still excited, she’s claps her hands and starts rapidly making plans for the website. I’m still in a daze at how lucky I am that’s she’s willing to do it.

  Joseph and Mark come over to inquire what the excitement is all about and Ashley quickly tells them of our plan. Joseph looks skeptical at first. “I don’t know. It sounds like it would make her busier and the plan was for her to relax more, not put more pressure on herself,” he says, his eyes scolding me.

  “Oh come on, Joseph,” I hear Ashley say to him. “Lighten up a bit. If she does well from the Internet sales, which I’m sure she will because I’ll be designing her website, then she’d probably be able to stop having to sell at the Market,” she informs him with a mocking grin.

  I’m about to correct her, stating that I would never stop selling at the Market but Joseph speaks up, stopping me from responding. “Okay, that’s sounds like a plan,” he says before looking sternly at me. “As long as you don’t overdo yourself,” he finishes stating, wrapping his arm around my body as he gives me a kiss on my temple.

  All coherent thoughts have disappeared with his simple gesture, leaving me speechless and wondering why he did it in the first place.

  I need to speak to him about his actions, like the one he just did, but I wasn’t going to discuss it in front of everybody. No, it was something we were going to have to discuss just between us.

  Until then, I’m left more confused than before. I hate this feeling.

  I DON’T KNOW what the hell happened at Mark and Ashley’s, but Kasey has been quiet ever since the conversation about her business… too quiet. She has barely spoken a word now that we’re driving back to her place. It's beginning to worry me.

  Forcing myself to push the worry to the back of my mind, I focus on the real problem in front of me, needing to go back to San Diego. I didn’t like the idea of leaving Kasey so soon, but Elizabeth was growing more demanding since I wasn’t giving her much information as to the real reason why I was here. The only response she kept getting was, “For Josephina.” Nothing more, which only upset her.

  She was demanding I get back to help with the wedding plans, especially since she knew I was currently on vacation. She wanted to take advantage of my time off. I was starting to dread answering her calls because she’d bombard me with wedding details.

  It didn’t help with every phone call she’d remind me about the damn paternity test, another thought sitting in the back of my mind.

  This last week has been an eye-opener for me when it came to Josephina. With every added day I spent with her, I realized how much more I love her, but I was growing scared. With Elizabeth reminding me of the paternity test, I was left wondering what would happen if she wasn’t really my daughter. Was I going to be able to walk away from her without looking back?

  At first, I had never doubted Kasey’s word about Josephina being my daughter. It wasn’t a concern until Elizabeth had inserted the thought into my mind. Since then, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I knew there was only one way to get it out of my head. I needed to have a talk with Kasey, if only to extinguish my doubt. I hadn’t wanted to do it while she was in the hospital, but now that she was home, it was getting harder for me to approach the subject. I didn’t want to hurt Kasey’s feeling by asking, but I knew deep down inside I would never be able to live with myself if I didn’t at least ask.

  I needed to make sure, at least for my own sanity.

  Still driving back to Kasey’s place, I’m a nervous wreck, more so than I was when I first showed up. As I pull into her driveway I’m practically sweating bullets. I’ve got more nerves this week than when I had to enter a dangerous bomb laden building. I didn’t know how Kasey was going to react when I asked her for a paternity test. For all I know, she will explode with emotions. She can even go as far as refusing to allow me to keep seeing Josephina. Or worse, admit Josephina wasn’t really mine, which was my biggest fear of all.

  Making our way into the building with a sleeping Josephina, I tuck her into bed before giving her a kiss goodnight. When done, I look over to see Kasey watching me with a smile on her face. I dread asking her the next question. “Can I talk to you?”

  Her brow furrows, clear with worry. She nods her head and turns to make her way over to the couch. I follow her, taking a seat next to her. Her eyes are intensely staring back at me, her expression blank, but still worrying me with every second that ticks by.

  “Joseph, is something wrong? You’ve been acting strange since we left Mark and Ashley’s house and it’s starting to worry me,” she calmly conveys. “If it’s about my business, then there isn’t anything else to discuss. It’s my business and I’m the one who is going to make the decisions I feel are best when it comes to it,” she sternly states.

  I smile as I watch her facial expression change from being worried to now looking infuriated, making me smile at how strong she is. This is a side of Kasey I’m still learning to adjust to. This is nothing like the Kasey I grew up with. That Kasey was sweet and innocent. A girl that wouldn’t fight back, but she clearly isn’t that girl anymore.

  It made me proud of her.

  Shaking my head to answer her earlier question, I start to explain as best as I can. “Kasey, there’s something that’s been on my mind for a while,” I say to her, trying to calm my nerves that are returning. “I was wondering if you’d consider allowing me to do a paternity test on Josephina, to confirm she’s really mine?”

  With her eyes growing wide, I see her breath hitch, her mouth gaping open in shock. Her body automatically stiffens up. It doesn’t surprise me she’s reacting like this. I would too if she would have thrown a doubt like this at me.

  “Joseph, what would make you believe that Josephina isn’t your daughter?” she questions, in a sharp low tone. I know she’s desperately trying to stay calm, but by the way she looks, it isn’t working. Her body is lightly trembling as she opens and closes her fist, taking slow deeps breaths as she looks off into the distance.

  She must think I’m the worst human being in the world right now. I deserve for her to think like that. “I need to know, Kasey, if only to erase the doubt I have in my mind. You have to see it from my point of view. I haven’t seen you since the night before I left for boot camp. Then when I see you again, you throw at me that I suddenly have a daughter. I have a right to have my doubts, Kasey,” I tell her. “I don’t know what happened after that night. For all I know you could’ve been with someone else and gotten pregnant and now that I’m back in your life, you’re trying to pin a child on me,” I state, immediately regretting the words after they’ve left my mouth.

  She turns to face me, her eyes glaring daggers at me. She’s not hiding one ounce of her anger as she abruptly stands up from the couch heading straight over to the workstation as quickly as she can walk. I follow closely behind, keeping some distance between us as she stops in front of her workbench, her body hunched over it as she leans her arms on the edge of the table. At first I think she’s in pain, so I reach over to try to help her up, but she just as quickly shoves me away. There is no doubt in my mind if looks can kill, I’d be a dead man right now.

  “I would never have thought about lying to you, Joseph, or even considered betraying you in that way. Josephina and I were doing perfectly fine before you even came back into our lives. If you think for one minute that I would want to pin her on you, so I could easily claim a father for her, then you’ve got some damn nerve,” she seethes through clenched teeth.

  I’m left speechless. Her eyes turning dark with anger and her breathing becoming labored, but she continues on. “I don’t need a damn paternity test to know she’s yours because I haven’t been with another man since I’ve been with you. I didn’t have the time, or the need, because I was too busy trying to raise my daughter,” she says, pointing her finger at her chest. “I made sure to put her first. I found a way for both of us to survive. I did it all without your help and I will continue to do it from this day forward,” she
growls.

  I stand there, shocked by her words as I absorb them. I wasn’t expecting her to say what she just said. I’m left standing frozen to the spot, still trying to comprehend the entire situation. “Kasey, if what you say is true, then what’s so hard about taking a paternity test? I’ll even pay for it. I just need to know for sure, for my peace of mind that’s she’s mine.”

  Her eyes are filling with tears. “You still doubt me, don’t you?” she whispers, the agony clear in her voice.

  Still silent, I continue standing there, not wanting to say anything more I’d regret. I’ve already said enough. She begins walking in the direction of the door leading outside, swinging it open as she says, “Fine, I’ll have Josephina take the damn test, but until you get the results, I think it’s best we don’t see you. Call me to let me know when and where I need to take her. Until then you should focus on the real reason why you’re requesting it,” she growls at me.

  Her words feel like they’ve stabbed me in the chest, but what could I have expected? It’s as if she knows it’s Elizabeth behind the request. I should’ve known this was going happen when I asked her. Knowing there is nothing more I could say, or do, I decide to leave. As I slowly walk my way over to the door, my heart is heavy and feeling as if it’s been ripped apart, and there is no one to blame but myself.

  The drive back to Mark and Ashley’s goes by in a blur, as if it never occurred. The whole time I kept repeating Kasey’s words in my head, but the one line that sticks with me the most, is the one where she stated she hasn’t been with anyone else since me. To think she never once tried looking for someone else only makes me regret asking for the test in the first place. I should have expected nothing less from Kasey.

  Slowly dragging myself inside the house, I see Mark in the living room watching TV. He takes one look at me, his eyebrow curiously rising up as he turns the TV off. “I haven’t seen that look since the day you came back from boot camp,” he says. “Please don’t tell me someone died,” his sarcasm not affecting me at all.

  I drag myself over to take a seat in one of the armchairs facing him, throwing myself into it. My body sinks into the cushion as I rub my hands down my face, trying to wipe away the pain. Now that he’s said it, it’s exactly how I felt the day I found out Kasey was gone the first time. I’d thought back then that I had lost her forever and tonight I feel like it’s happening all over again. Only this time, I’ve pushed her away. Knowing I had to tell Mark the truth, I come out and say it. “I asked Kasey for a paternity test,” the statement feeling like a heavy weight crushing me on the outside.

  He looks shocked “Why the fuck would you do that? What would make you have any doubts now?” he asks, sounding shocked from the request I gave Kasey. “Let me guess, Elizabeth?” he states, as if he already knows the answer.

  My silence is his confirmation, as he shakes his head in disappointment. “I don’t know, man. It’s your life, but I am going to say one thing,” he says as he leans forward to rest his elbows on his knees. “I really doubt Kasey would lie to you. She doesn’t seem like the type. You know for me to say that, says a lot. You know I don’t trust very easily and when I first met Kasey, I had my doubts about the whole situation. I’ve since changed my mind. Another thing, I’ve come to love that little girl. So you better pray to God you don’t fuck this up, dude, because it’d be a damn shame if you did. Ashley and I aren’t going to lose having Josephina in our lives. She’s special and so is her mom,” he tells me as he stands up. “I’m off to bed. I was just waiting for you to get home.”

  He starts to walk away, but briefly stops as he takes one last glance at me. “I hate to sound like an asshole when I say this, but if Elizabeth can’t accept Josephina now, I really doubt she ever will. So you better think long and hard about what you really want. Is she worth marrying if you have to give up Josephina?” he states, before turning away, going straight down the hallway without waiting for an answer.

  I watch him walk to his room as I take in his words. He’s right. Since the day I told Elizabeth about Josephina, she hasn’t tried to accept her. How the hell was it going to be after we got married? I sit here, left alone to ponder over the events of the night. Left with no choice but to think hard about what I need to do.

  With the night growing late, I finally stand up and head to my own room. I had planned to stay at Kasey’s, so I could help her out while she was recovering, but I’ve managed to screw up those plans as well. Entering my room, I go straight to my duffle bag with my things, reaching inside to search for the one item I know will help push my doubts aside. Within seconds I find it, digging it out and walking over to the bed, to toss myself onto it, to open up the envelope. Slowly pulling out Kasey’s letter, I couldn’t bring myself to travel without it. For some odd reason, my gut kept telling me to bring it back with me that night, and now I know why.

  Staring at the picture of Kasey and Josephina, on the day she was born, my thought instantly goes back to the one regret I’ve grown to have. Not being there with Kasey when our daughter was born. I take in the picture, staring at it long and hard as I finally pick up the letter to reread it. The tears freely fall as I read it this time, knowing that Kasey poured her heart and soul into it when she wrote the letter, telling me I had a daughter. I should have known from the words alone that Josephina was mine. I shouldn’t have doubted it.

  I don’t know how the fuck I am going to fix this, but I damn well was going to… even if it killed me.

  WATCHING JOSEPH WALK out the door was making me wonder if my words were going to keep him from coming back. I hadn’t asked him to come back into our lives. I had tried that once and fate had made that decision for me. I had accepted her decision. I had no other choice. I’ll admit I felt blessed when he’d found us again. Thinking it was fate’s way of giving Josephina and I a second chance, so she could have a father, but now I was beginning to doubt my own theory.

  Had I known Joseph had his doubts about being Josephina’s father, I wouldn’t have told him. I wouldn’t have allowed him to weasel his way into her heart, making her believe he really cared for her, like a father would do. He could have easily walked away, never looking back, and I would have understood.

  Because of that, I was angry with him.

  Still leaning my body against the door, I stare at my workstation with the large block table sitting in the middle of the room, and only one thing comes to mind: working. It has always helped release my stress. It’s the only thing that has always helped keep me calm, as I get lost in my own world of creations. The only place my mind can escape without anyone judging me.

  I know I should be resting, but if I did try to lie down in bed, I would only end up tossing and turning, unable to sleep. I’m too mad at this point. The anger is coursing through my veins and heating my blood, like a fire that refuses to be extinguished. Joseph has a way of doing that to me, but usually it’s from another reason completely. I had much preferred that reason, even if I know it’s wrong.

  Slowly making my way over to my stove, to prepare to heat my batch, my mind immediately begins to escape to my world of blissful ecstasy. With the ingredients boiling, I start pulling and gathering the materials needed to get my molds done. It’s a much slower process this time, since I have to move carefully as to not over do my body and injure myself, but I’m determined to get it done.

  I’ve perfected how to work quietly while Josephina sleeps, managing to make as minimal noise as I possibly can; most of the time I continue working late into the night, well after she’s fallen asleep. It’s the best time for me to work. The quiet hours relaxing me as it allows me to work better.

  When I had first started working on my own, I found myself staying up into the late hours of the night, experimenting until I had the perfect creation. Now I have most of those creations memorized; no longer needing to measure anything anymore. But tonight I wanted to try something new, needing the distraction of not knowing the outcome, to pull me further from my thought
s.

  It’s been a while since I’ve stayed up this late, but I’m pretty sure with the frustration I have inside of me, I’m going to be up most of the night. There’s only one reason for it, to get Joseph out of my mind, and this was the only way I could think to do it.

  Six hours later, what I thought was going to happen, didn’t. The stress of getting caught up on my orders did fade, simply because I managed to fill them all. In fact, I was now caught up for the next two weeks, including the next order going to the local shop. However, what didn’t manage to leave my mind were Joseph’s words. No matter how badly I tried to push them aside, I failed miserably. They were branded into my mind and I doubt they will ever leave. I’m still so angry with him. He was completely clouding my mind to the point that I was able to make that new scented soap because of him. It consisted of a sandalwood accent that I fantasized smelling on Joseph. The entire time I was making it, I was thinking of Joseph smelling of it.

  I remember buying the scented oil the day I had went to buy my usual scents I use for my orders. At the time it’d been an impulsive buy, thinking I might not ever use it, but I bought it anyways in hopes of one day making the new scent. Again fate. I wouldn’t have considered using it if it wasn’t for Joseph.

  I start to cut up, divide, and wrap up my soaps. I then place them in the designated bins, which are labeled with their specific scent, so none get mixed up accidentally. I’m so tired at this point that I leave the buckets on the worktable, telling myself that I’ll move them another day. Knowing that I shouldn’t be lifting anything heavy helps make the decision to leave them easier.

  Taking in the time, I realize it’s already close to dawn as I finally crawl into bed. The exhaustion of working through the night finally takes over my body, reminding me why I was supposed to take things easy. The moment my head hits the pillow I close my eyes and fall asleep, my mind going into a dreamless slumber.