Resuscitate (Annihilate #1)

by S. Morayla

  I ignored all the signs.

  Nobody to blame but myself.

  I can’t even be upset, I have no right.

  Even still, my heart beats in a different rhythm—a sad, lonely one.

  “I know. it’s a good thing we’re here.” I cover my eyes and look over at her, offering a wicked grin. Leslie lies back on the lounge chair, pulling her sunglasses down.

  “This has been the best week, though I wish Adriana were here,” Leslie says, pouting.

  “I know. Could you imagine the damage we could cause? Palm Springs would not be ready for that.” I laugh, though my heart isn’t in it.

  “Oh God, that guy last night at the restaurant was too much. What did he call you?”

  “Hermosa. It means beautiful in Spanish,” I say, slipping my sunglasses on.

  “Damn, how many languages do you know?”

  That makes me laugh. People always find it so curious that I speak three languages. They trip out even more when I tell them English is not my first language, especially since I don’t have an accent. Thanks to my parents and grandparents, I learned Italian and Spanish before I even learned English.

  “Only three. I just can’t believe he had the balls to ask for my number in front of my grandparents.”

  “I know, but your Pop had me cracking up. I love your family, Nat. They’re all so laid back.”

  Nodding at Les, I lie back to soak up the rays. Leslie and I spend the remainder of the afternoon working on our tans.

  Nona tries to get us both to go to the grocery store, but I feign exhaustion. Leslie is all too happy to tag along with Nona, though.

  Silence can be deafening.

  Suffocating.

  Lonely.

  This is when my thoughts run rampant. Schoolwork would help preoccupy my mind, but it’s winter break. Instead, I sit here in loud silence. My thoughts always seem to stroll back to the British boy who slammed into my existence.

  Beautiful and breathtaking.

  His eyes glow with happiness and mischief.

  My heart speeds up, butterflies erupt. They never had permission. He never had permission. Yet, he’s there, taking up my thoughts. I want to pull away his invite, but he stormed in, grabbing hold of me.

  Guilt riddles me.

  I am ashamed.

  Tears start to slip out of my eyes. Why can’t I let go?

  Rhys was my life. He completed my complicated mind. He just got me from day one.

  “Aaaagghhh!” It feels good to let out a strangled cry of frustration, yet not enough to relieve me of the war raging inside me.

  Ringing echoes off the walls.

  “Hey, Natty, what’s up?”

  Silence. I beg my mouth to form words, but it disobeys, a sob tearing through me instead.

  “Hey, baby girl, what’s the matter?” He sounds panicky, and rightfully so. Who the hell calls their uncle and just cries?

  I try again, to no avail.

  “It’s okay, baby. I’m here. Are you hurt?” I shake my head, then quickly realize he can’t see me. Glad he can’t see how pathetic I am.

  “Take some deep breaths for me, babe.” I hear him walking away from wherever he is. Probably to get privacy. He pulls in a deep breath at the same time I do, then releases it, mirroring my own actions.

  My speeding heart starts to slow. The more air I pull into my lungs, the calmer my body becomes—my mind clearer.

  “What happened, Natty?” His voice is calm, but still has an edge. He’s expecting something bad—is it bad? To me, it is. To me, it’s life altering.

  I swallow.

  “I just...I don’t know, Vic.” My voice is low, barely audible to my own ears.

  Silence.

  He waits for me to continue, knowing I need a moment to collect myself. He’s great that way. Tears still fall silently down my face.

  “Sometimes I feel like I’m drowning. I try so hard to swim, but the harder I try, the more exhausted I become. I just want to let go. I want to sink. I don’t want to be saved. Then I think of Dad. How could I ever be so selfish? He is my world. If it weren’t for him, I never would have made it this far…but it hurts so much. I want to let Rhys go, I want to move forward, maybe with Zayne…I don’t know.”

  That part of the confession hurts my heart.

  “When I think maybe I could be happy, guilt consumes me. How could I ever be happy knowing he can never be? Knowing what caused him to do what he did? That a part of my flesh and blood drove him to that?” The tears come harder now.

  “Oh, baby, I know. I’m so sorry.” Sadness envelopes his voice. He coughs, clearing his throat before continuing.

  “You need to know, you didn’t get a normal first love. You didn’t get to experience the break up. The feelings that change and say it’s time to move on. You got it harder than anyone. You didn’t get closure like most kids do. They hurt, sure, but they move on because they know that person wasn’t meant for them. You didn’t get that, so it’s harder to let go. There was no nasty bitterness. You still have the “what ifs” and, Nat, that’s okay. You have a right to think that way. Can I ask you something, though?”

  I sniffle and close my eyes as I absorb his words. “Yeah.”

  “What do you think Rhys would have wanted for you?”

  “What do you mean?” Nobody has ever asked me this; it throws me for a loop.

  “I mean, do you think he would have wanted the person he loved to be this sad? To still hold on, not moving forward? To give up music, her true passion? Do you think that’s what he would want from you?”

  Stunned, I stare at his jacket lying before me.

  Soft and comfortable, it’s my only anchor.

  I run my hand over its leather sleeve.

  Home.

  Images run through my mind.

  His smile, when I would sing and play new songs for him.

  His laugh, when I would screw up and get upset. He’d just say, “Nobody is perfect. Just try again, you will get it.”

  His hands, calloused from playing the guitar, yet gentle when he would cup my face.

  His voice, telling me I would make the world shine, so confident and proud.

  His eyes, sparkling with tenderness when he would talk about how I would make the world better one song at a time.

  All these wonderful memories echo before me. So real, I can almost touch them.

  It hits me hard then, rocking me to my very core. If the roles were reversed, I would have wanted him to be happy. To move on. To know what we shared was special.

  He loved me.

  He believed in me.

  He wants me to be happy.

  He wants me to move forward and not hide.

  He’s here in spirit, still helping me soar, if only I will allow it.

  “No,” I finally answer, my voice clear and concise. It’s true. I feel it deep within myself. Everything Nana told me about my mom along with what Vic is asking—it all makes sense. “He would have wanted me to make the world shine.”

  “Yeah, baby, I think so, too. He loved you so much, we all saw that. It was scary to think you two could love that deeply, so young. Your dad and I would talk. Of course, I wanted to kick his ass, but your dad would say, ‘No, Vic, this is all about growing up.’ We could see how he believed in you, how he helped you come out of your shell. I appreciate Rhys for many things. He helped you in many ways, just as you did for him. I asked him once what would happen when you went to college and decided you wanted to be single or find someone else—you know what he said?

  “What?”

  “‘Natalee is the best part of me and I will always have that. I will always have our memories. Nobody can take them from me. If she was to move on and he was good to her, he was her supporter, made her see the world and all the ways to make it better, I would support that. Be happy for her. I want someone who will build her up. Someone who sees all her beauty, waters it so she can grow.’ You see, Nat? He knew how to love. It was then that I gained a deep
respect for that kid. He would never hold you back, he would help you fly if you asked that of him.”

  “Why didn’t you ever tell me this before, Vic?”

  “Guess the timing was never right. It was a fleeting moment in my time with him. Maybe he knows this is what you needed to hear right now.”

  I do; I need it because that was Rhys.

  Full of love.

  “Thank you, Vic. It means so much to me.”

  “I know it’s not much, but he wanted you to live. Just because he’s not here doesn’t mean you have to forget him or your memories of him. You just have to learn that it’s not your fault and you have nothing to feel guilty about.”

  “I can feel that now. Maybe it is time for me to let Zayne in.”

  “Do you think Rhys would approve of Zayne?”

  I take a few breaths as I run the question through my mind. Peace settles in my bones.

  “Yeah, Vic, I really do. Even though I’ve pushed him away and sent mixed signals, I know he cares. I’ve been an idiot, but I was hurt. Harrison said Zayne would understand, I just had to be open. That’s what scared me, ya know? To have to talk about Rhys and my mom.”

  “I know, Natty, I know, but I also know if Rhys would approve, then Zayne is a great guy. He will get it. Guys don’t stick around if they don’t feel like the girl is worth it.”

  “Nona says he’s in love with me. I think that’s ridiculous. She says her old eyes can still see and her heart still feels.”

  His rich, familiar laugh fills my ears.

  “Nona is great. I’m really glad you talked to her, Nat. You needed that.”

  “I think so, too. Just like I needed you tonight. Thanks, Vic. I hope I wasn’t intruding on anything.”

  He clears his throat, and whispers, “I was well on my way to breaking my other hip, mid thrust, and then my damn phone rang.”

  “Oh, ew! I am sure that poor lady was so happy you got your nasty body off her.”

  “Nope, she’s begging me for more as you speak.” He yells to someone, pulling the phone away, “Be ready, I’m going back in.” In the background, a female voice yells back, “Fuck you, Martello.” His laugh is loud.

  “Oh my God, were you serious? Ew! That is disgusting, Uncle Vic! What the hell?” I screech into the receiver.

  “Calm down, Natty, we were just having dinner.” Chuckling, he continues, “Well, I was having dinner.”

  “Bye, Vic. That is just gross!” He continues to laugh.

  “I’m kidding, I wouldn’t answer the phone while eating, that’s rude. But you know you can call me any time. I’m always here for you. Do you need anything else?”

  “Just to say I love you and thank you.”

  “No need to thank me, baby girl. I love you, too. If you need me, call me, or I will just see you next week for Christmas.

  “Alright, I will call you when you’re not...ah, busy.”

  Light.

  Content.

  Optimistic.

  All of those flow through me after my talk and epiphany. I needed to hear his words. Rhys always had a way of lifting me up, opening my eyes. Even now, I feel him and I know he would want me to be happy. Zayne does just that.

  Hope.

  I know he is seeing Lexi…well, I’m not really sure. I mean, they could just be having lots of sex. I swallow down the bile trying to climb its way out. Although I really wish he’d use other means to do that, like kick boxing or baseball—hell, even play PS4—I can’t even be mad. I know he and Lexi had a thing last year, but still, it hurts to think of him with her.

  Plan.

  Plan.

  Plan.

  I need a plan.

  I call Harrison.

  * * *

  Turning.

  Twisting.

  Tuning the guitar strings.

  Warmth covers my hand.

  “Stop, Natty, you have tuned the hell out of it already. You want to break the strings?” I look up into Uncle Vic’s eyes, shaking my head.

  “What the hell am I thinking?” I say to no one in particular.

  “That you are going to win back your man,” Leslie says, matter of fact, swinging her legs as she sits on the black granite kitchen counter.

  When Leslie and Nona got back from the store, they found me in a panic. After I explained my revelation, Leslie jumped up and down, yelling, “Finally!”, while Nona took my face in her palms, and said, “Andare a prendere la tua anima.” ‘Go get your soul.’

  Leslie and I drove back to Uncle Vic’s condo in L.A. Harrison and Leslie both wanted in on the plan, so this is command central.

  “He was never mine, Les,” I counter

  “He licked it, therefore you’re his.” My eyes go big and my face heats up.

  “What exactly did he lick, Nat?” Uncle Vic asks me.

  “Her face. He licked her face. Geez, get your mind out of the gutter!” Les says quickly.

  “Uh-huh.” Vic looks at me pointedly. “Anything else ol’ boy licked?” My face is beet red, I can feel it. I look to Harrison, who looks disgusted.

  “Um, can we change the subject? I don’t want to know where my mate has licked anyone,” Harrison declares.

  “Aw, c’mon, Har, you used to love licking my...lips.” Leslie laughs. I can’t help it, I bust up laughing. If I don’t, I might just die of embarrassment.

  “Allowing others to see this part of me is just so weird,” I groan, changing the subject. “Maybe this is a stupid idea.” I put the guitar down and pace the floor. Harrison stands before me. Holding my shoulders, he rocks me side to side.

  “Natalee, you're over-thinking this. It’s Zayne. You know how he feels. You have to trust your instincts.”

  “Hate to say this, baby girl, but I think Harrison’s right,” Uncle Vic says, his fingers steepled, elbows on the counter.

  I give my uncle a scowling look.

  “I also agree,” Leslie pipes in.

  “Fuck you all,” I grunt.

  Since Friday nights are open mic nights at The Corral, anyone can perform after the set list of bands. Harrison called in a favor to Paul, the owner, ensuring I get the spot right after the guys perform.

  Leslie called Adriana on the drive back to L.A., and these girls are lethal. By the time we got to Montebello, they had figured out what I would sing, wear, and had called the other guys to get them in on the plan.

  Physically and mentally, I was wasted. I just wanted to sleep, but Leslie wouldn’t have it. When I finally slipped in between the covers last night, my mind just kept going in circles. I’ve practiced all morning. Uncle Vic hired a drummer to help me out tonight. I wish Vic could be there, but duty calls, so he has to fly out.

  By the time Leslie and I leave for The Corral, I’m a bundle of nerves.

  “Hurry, Nat, we need to get you backstage before Zayne sees you.” Leslie practically drags me through the parking lot, her grip tight.

  “Natalee?” Leslie and I both stop dead in our tracks.

  Both for different reasons.

  I can’t believe this fucker has the nerve to talk to me.

  “I thought that was you. I thought you left town for break.” Chris walks over, but I’m practically shaking, I’m so pissed. Breaking out of my stupor, I sling my guitar higher on my shoulder.

  “Well, you thought wrong.” Agitated and annoyed, I walk past him in quick steps.

  His long legs catch up to me easily. “Are you playing tonight?”

  “Yup.”

  “I didn’t know you played.” Christ, it’s as if he doesn’t get the hint. I’m not interested. I wasn’t two weeks ago, and I’m not now.

  “Yeah, well, I guess there is a lot you don’t know. I’m surprising Zayne.” That earns me a look somewhere between a wince and a smile. He clears his throat, still keeping pace with Les and I.

  “Is that so? I thought you guys weren’t talking anymore? You really think that’s a good idea?” Nails on chalkboard, that’s what his voice equates to. His words make
me halt abruptly. I grit my teeth and spin to face him.

  “Why do you care?”

  Throwing his palms up, he steps back away from me.

  “I just mean, I thought he was messing with Lexi again. I don’t want you to put yourself out there and get hurt. I care about you, Natalee.”

  “It’s none of your business, Chris.” Leslie throws enough venom in her words to make him sneer. “We have to go, Nat.” Grabbing my hand, she pulls me back around, away from the devil in sheep’s clothing. I can’t help but turn around to make sure he’s leaving. At that same moment, he turns to me, phone to his ear, his gleaming eyes scarcely containing his anger.

  Halo

  With our set finally over, I scan the crowd, looking for her. It’s a habit—one I need to stop. I know she’s gone for break, so there’s no reason for her to be here. I feel like a dick. She’s tried to text and call me, but I don’t have anything to say to her. If she’s seeing Chris or he’s the reason she was hesitant, all she had to do was say so.

  Lexi came by legless last week at 1:00 a.m., telling me so many things about Shorty and Chris. She is far from an idiot and knows how to get what she wants. Laggard out of her mind. I left my room for a minute to use the loo and when I came back in, there she was, sprawled out on my bed naked. When Lexi had shown up earlier, I knew she wanted me balls deep in her, but she doesn’t hold any appeal for me.

  When Adriana saw Lexi leaving the next morning, I didn’t correct the assumption I saw in her eyes. I guess maybe I was hoping it would get back to Shorty. My way of saying fuck you for not wanting me. It was a dick move, but I’m tired of women crushing my heart.

  I know Lexi could be a fun distraction, but hurt or not, my fucking heart still beats for one woman: Natalee.

  The lads jump off the stage, which is strange. The crowd is not as full as it usually is, but there are still plenty of sweaty bodies milling about. I follow their lead, although the set wasn’t even that great. I just haven’t been feeling proper, and tonight is no different. Now that it’s over, I want to go home.