J K Rowling - [Harry Potter 0X]

by Harry Potter

  Doilies.

  Hundreds, if not thousands, of round lace and linen doilies of every size and design littered the house. There were doilies carefully placed under each foot of every piece of furniture. Instead of throw pillows, frilly doilies lovingly graced the squashy chairs and couch. Dozen were placed on top of books as dust covers and some small doilies were placed in several books as page-markers. Scores were hung from the walls like fine pieces of art. Some of the larger cloth circles were placed strategically like stepping stones on the floor to guide guest to the kitchen and loo.

  “Daddy has a penchant for doilies. He’s collected quite a number of them,” informed Luna conversationally as if everyone had such a peculiar hobby.

  “I... I can see that,” Harry said in wide-eyed wonder.

  A wizard with a touch of grey in his blond hair came bounding out of the hallway. The wizard, obviously Luna’s father appeared perfectly normal and sane. But the doily that he wore at a jaunty angle on top of his head in lieu of a hat shattered this appearance.

  “Luna, my darling daughter!” he greeted the blonde witch with an affectionate hug.

  “Hello, Daddy!” she returned and kissed his cheek.

  “Now, dear, I’ve made the necessary adjustments to the printer so that it will make books instead of my highly informative and entertaining newspaper,” stated Mr. Lovegood. “But I can’t stay around and help you out. There’s a wonderful doily convention in Berlin that I simply must attend. They’ll be displaying the new Smithenhoff pattern today and I can’t miss that!”

  “Don’t worry, Daddy, I’ll handle everything,” Luna said cheerfully.

  “Brilliant! Well, then, I’m off!” Mr. Lovegood said before dashing to the fireplace. He threw a pinch of floo into the flames and shouted “The Berlin Convention Centre!” before disappearing.

  “The printer is this way,” stated Luna, leading the others down into the house’s cellar. Of course, the steps leading down to the cellar were covered with doilies, much like the rest of the house.

  A massive contraption made out of wood, iron, and rock with steam-pipes, bells, knobs, dials, and leavers dominated the cellar. On one end of the device was a small drawer and the opposite side had a hole that opened onto a conveyor belt.

  “It’s fairly simple to operate; you put the source material into this drawer,” said Luna, pointing to the drawer. “Then the patented Lovegood Publishing Apparatus will copy, print, and bind the material. The finished product will come out on the conveyor belt.

  “Is the book ready? Everything is in order the way you want it?” Luna asked Hermione.

  “Yes,” Hermione replied. The brunette witch pulled the large, neat, and orderly stack of parchment that she had worked so tirelessly on out of her bag and handed it to Luna. “But I haven’t made a book cover yet.”

  “Oh that’s simple; the patented Lovegood Publishing Apparatus will make one for us,” the blonde replied and took the stack of parchment from Hermione and set it in the drawer. She turned back to Hermione and asked, “How does a nice faux-leather cover dyed light red sound to you?”

  “That would be lovely,” Hermione answered with a smile.

  Luna pulled out her wand and tapped the machine several times in a seemingly random pattern for several seconds. Then the machine began to make a groaning noise that reminded Harry of the sounds that would emanate from Dudley’s stomach when the obese boy had not eaten his weight in bacon for a period of longer than four hours. The drawer closed on its own and the groaning grew louder and louder. The machine began to vibrate and shake violently. In a matter of moments, the machine made a loud, wet, belching sound and a large red book dropped out of the opening and landed on the conveyor belt.

  With a noticeable tremble in her hands, Hermione carefully picked up the freshly printed book. Lovingly, she caressed its face which bore in elegant, gold lettering; “Books of Love Magic, Volume One by Mona Puckle with Tim Hunter, Neil Gaiman, and Perky Weatherby.” With her eyes shimmering, she looked at Harry and euphorically announced, “I’m an author!”

  Directly after this proclamation, Hermione had an orgasm so powerful that her knees gave way. Hermione loved books so much that holding one that she actually wrote was enough to send her to the heights of physical rapture. The machine belched again and another book was deposited on the conveyor belt. And Hermione groaned even louder. Harry watched intently as his lover moaned and trembled while clutching the book to her breast. And needless to say, ‘Harry, Jr.’ was urgently suggesting that they should go over there, pull Hermione’s knickers down, and help with her orgasms. This seemed like a novel idea to Harry; after all, he was Hermione’s boyfriend and it was his right as such to participate and share in her orgasms.

  When the fourth book was printed - corresponding with Hermione’s fourth orgasm - Luna advised, “Perhaps we should take Hermione out of here? It seems that she’s having a climax every time a book is printed. Not that I don’t enjoy watching her ecstasy - which I truly do - but I think that Hermione may be in danger of dying of dehydration. This is a likely outcome since we’re going to print eight hundred copies in this initial run.” Luna’s stating of the projected number of copies triggered yet another body jarring climax for Hermione.

  After scooping her up in his arms, Harry carried Hermione out of the cellar. While they walked up the stairs, Hermione continuously shivered and muttered, “I’m an author! - OH! - I’m an author! - OH!”

  SoG SoG SoG

  Once Hermione recovered - which included a quick yet completely shattering shag where she had clutched her book to her bosom and had wrapped her legs around Harry as he pounded away at her and the brunette shouted “I’M AN AUTHOR!” continuously, then a shower - the two couples made their way to Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes in Diagon Alley. Instead of the standard bell chiming when the door open, a loud, obnoxious, pants-staining fart sounded as the four friends walked into the shop.

  Much like every other store in Diagon Alley, the twins’ shop was devoid of customers. The threat of Voldemort and his minions had scared everyone into hiding in their homes.

  Obviously drawn to the sound of the unique door “chime,” Fred came strolling around the corner.

  “Welcome to Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes!” he greeted the two couples.

  “Fred, why are you wearing a blindfold?” asked Harry curiously.

  “Ah, it’s you, Harry,” stated Fred without removing his blindfold. “Are there any witches of... ahem, advanced age with you?”

  “No.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “It’s just me, Hermione, Ron, and Luna,” Harry informed.

  “Brilliant! George, it’s safe to come out!” Fred called out while tugging off his blindfold. He blinked as his eyes became accustomed to the light.

  “What’s with you two?” demanded Ron.

  “It’s bloody Remus,” Fred began hotly as his twin took his place at his side.

  “He pranked us back at Ginny’s birthday,” added George with an equal amount of anger to his voice.

  “Ever since then, we’ve been forced to see through old witches’ clothing.”

  “Do you have any idea of how much tits sag on a ninety year-old witch?” asked Fred.

  “We do regrettably,” answered George, and both twins shivered in disgust.

  Harry and Hermione shared a guilty look. It appeared that the little prank they pulled on Fred and George months ago was still in effect. Perhaps Harry’s power-boost had an unforeseen result, extending the length of the short-term spell.

  “And the worst part is that Remus claims he had nothing to do with it,” continued Fred.

  “Yeah, says he couldn’t have done it cause he wasn’t even there that night,” George stated.

  “But we know he’s a Marauder. Little things like that wouldn’t stop him from pulling a prank.”

  “So you two answer the door to your shop with blindfolds on, just in case your customer is an old witch?” asked Luna.
<
br />   “It’s a necessary precaution in order not to see drooping and sagging bits and pieces,” answered George sagely.

  An idea popped up in Harry’s head. He gave Hermione a look that told her to play along. But this look also asked Hermione to remain silent because Harry was about to lie. And since his lover was such a horrible liar, he knew that if she tried to help Harry, she’d give everything away and ruin his plan. The black haired wizard turned back to the twins and offered, “What if we convinced Remus to lift the curse?”

  “That would be bloody fantastic!” cheered Fred.

  “Too right, we’d owe you so much if you could do that,” George said.

  “That’s great because we need a favor from you two,” stated Harry.

  “If you got Remus to end this horrific and penis-shriveling prank, I’ll convince Fred to go down on you,” offered George. To which Fred nodded his head enthusiastically. Clearly, the continual shock of seeing every elderly witch naked had taken its toll on the twins; they were willing to do anything in order for it to end.

  “Well, instead of sickening sexual favors, how about you two just promote a book for me?” Harry asked.

  “What kind of a book?” one of the twins asked.

  “A book on sex magic,” answered Harry as he handed Fred one of the copies.

  Fred thumbed through the book with George looking over his shoulder. “Merlin, we heard about the Pensieves you two passed around Hogwarts, but we didn’t realize that you had grown so bloody kinky,” said George as he eyed one of the many photos in the book.

  “That’s not us,” objected Hermione. “They’re friends of ours. You wouldn’t know them.”

  As stated previously, Hermione was a poor liar. One might easily argue that the witch was a pathetic fibber. Her voice, which was warbling noticeably, was much higher than normal and her face burned a bright red as she denied George’s assumptions. Of course, this only served to confirm said assumption.

  “Cor, Hermione, you’re a nimble minx,” commented Fred after turning another page.

  “I swear this will help us get over the trauma of seeing naked decrepit witches,” added George while looking at one of the pictures with wide, impressed eyes.

  “SWEET BUGGERING MORGAN LA FEY!” exclaimed Fred after he turned further into the book. “It’s always the smart witches, isn’t it?”

  With a proud smile on his lips and in his eyes, George walked to Harry and hugged him. George said with naked pride, “Hang on to her, my boy. Don’t let her go.”

  “Getting back to the matter at hand,” Hermione interrupted. Fred turned the book on its edge so that he could get a better angle on one of the photos. “Any suggestions as to how you two can promote this book?”

  “Oh, we have some - SHE SWALLOWS?” cried out Fred. Once again, George pulled Harry into a tight embrace and spoke softly and earnestly, “Do not ever let her go. Every bloke should cherish a bird that does anal and swallows.”

  “Hey, so does Luna!” Ron offered, clearly hoping to earn some of his brothers’ praise.

  “She does?” George asked in awe.

  “Where the hell do you two find such magnificently adventurous and open minded witches?” Fred asked Ron and Harry. “And can you find a set for George and me?”

  “The last time we asked a bird if we could bugger her, she slapped us in the face and we never heard from her again,” explained George.

  “Wait, ‘we’ and ‘us’?” Harry asked. “Don’t tell me both of you were asking the same girl at the same time?”

  “Why not?”

  “We’re twins.”

  “We do everything together.”

  “Even the same witch.”

  “Yeah, they’ve got three holes after all and there are two of us.”

  “Plenty of entry points, if you ask us.”

  “Course we’ve only had access to two of those holes and, unlike Harry and our dear brother, have been denied the third, and most prized, hole.”

  “How are you going to promote it?” interrupted Hermione, hoping not to hear any more on how much the twins shared.

  “We’ll think of something,” replied the twins in unison.

  “Where do you plan on selling this?” asked Fred. “It’s not like Flourish and Blotts will carry this.”

  “We were thinking about Franklin’s of Cardiff,” answered Harry. “Alicia works there.”

  “Speaking of which, we better head over there and see if she’ll even sell the book before you two start making plans on how to hype it,” Hermione said to the twins.

  “Oh, don’t worry. We won’t be thinking of any plans today,” George said.

  “Yeah, we’ll be wanking like mad over this book for the next few hours or so,” added Fred.

  “Hey, you do realize that one of the blokes in those pictures is me, right?” Ron asked, shaken over the notion that his brothers were planning on pleasuring themselves over photos that depicted him.

  “Don’t worry, dear brother,” assured Fred. “We won’t wank while looking at you.”

  “We will, however, gladly and unreservedly wank while ogling your wife,” offered George.

  “She’s got wonderful knockers,” complimented Fred.

  “Epic, they are,” added George.

  “Why, that’s so sweet,” Luna said sincerely while blushing at Fred and George’s crude compliments. “I’d pop open my blouse and give you a live viewing of them out of appreciation of your kind words. But as you’re Ronald’s brothers, that’d be inappropriate to do.”

  Before the twins could voice a protest, Harry asked the top-heavy blonde, “If you don’t mind, could I take a gander?”

  “Of course I don’t mind, Harry. Don’t even hesitate to ask,” Luna said with a genuine smile. “Once we’re out of view of the twins, I’ll open my blouse and you can look to your heart’s content.”

  “Wait a tick, Harry and Ron are best friends,” Fred began to argue.

  “They’re practically brothers,” continued George.

  “And we need to see a set of young breasts...”

  “... especially after being forced to see ancient witches’ sagging tits for months.”

  “I’m sorry to say there’s a whole world of difference between ‘like a brother’ and ‘is a brother’,” Luna pointed out, denying the twins’ request yet again.

  “I say you show ‘em,” offered Ron. “Just so they can see just what I get to play with every night.”

  “And every morning,” corrected Luna, “as well as most afternoons. But since you’ve given me permission to expose myself to your brothers, I’ll gladly do it. After all, I do so love letting my breasts out in the open air.”

  “Prepare to be amazed,” Harry told the twins.

  Luna presented her covered chest to Fred and George and theatrically threw her blouse open. The twins’ eyes bounced in time with Luna’s own “twins” as her giant orbs sprang free.

  “Oh, those are...” Fred muttered.

  “Spectacular,” stated George.

  “Now remember, look but don’t touch,” Ron warned. “As her husband, I’m the only one who can touch her titties.”

  “Besides me that is,” announce Hermione, as she stepped up behind Luna. The brunette wrapped her arms around Luna’s sizable chest and playfully pinched both of her large nipples for everyone to see. This action caused Luna to giggle, which in turn caused her to jiggle.

  The twins and Ron’s faces went white as sheets as every ounce of blood raced to their respective organs to reinforce their rapidly growing erections caused by the sight of one witch playing with another’s boobs. Harry knew this was happening to the Weasley brothers because the exact same thing was happening to him.

  “Um, okay, we’ll get started on ideas to promote your book,” George said in a very small voice.

  “That is after we’ve wanked ourselves raw,” Fred, whose voice was equally small, adjusted.

  “That goes without saying,” concluded his twin. />
  “While you two are doing that, we’ll take our witches into a dark alley and have them take care of our erections,” teased Harry.

  “Rub it in, why don’t you,” Fred said with a touch of envy.

  “That’s a wonderful idea!” cheered Hermione. “I’ll have Harry cum on my bottom and he can rub it in.”

  The twins were about to make a witty retort, but another of Hermione’s frolicsome pinches of Luna’s nipples took their breath away.

  “Enjoy masturbating,” teased Harry as he led his lover and their friends out of the shop.

  “We will,” replied Fred and George.

  SoG SoG SoG

  At Franklin’s of Cardiff, Harry told Alicia about the book while Hermione, Luna, and Ron browsed the toy section of the sex shop. Every once in a while, Harry could hear Hermione giggle excitedly - presumably she would do this over some new sex toy or product.

  “You two are certainly kinky aren’t you?” Alicia asked while scanning through the book.

  Realizing that denying the truth would be pointless, Harry forged ahead and asked, “Do you think you could sell the book here?”

  “Sure, little good it will do,” she replied. “I haven’t had a customer in days. And the last one only bought a pair of discounted knickers and nothing else. Most days, it doesn’t pay to even open the doors.”

  “We’ve got Fred and George on marketing,” informed Harry. “Hopefully they’ll be able to raise interest.”

  “That should be interesting. Knowing those two, it should be something big and spectacular,” Alicia commented. The witch paused on one page in particular and her eyes bulged. She held it up so Harry could see the picture, and asked, “Didn’t this hurt?”

  “You have to stretch up a bit before you try it. There are a few exercises in the first chapter so that you and your boyfriend can do it without hurting yourselves,” Harry informed, not bothered in the slightest about giving hints on sexual positions to his former Quidditch teammate.