Live the Dream

by Claire Lorrimer

  Dilys worried constantly. There was no one she could telephone to enquire about James’ progress, and sometimes, when she was feeling depressed, it crossed her mind that he might even have died and she would not know it. Sometimes, she found herself thinking of Kristoffer, most particularly at this time of year when the fields were full of buttercups and poppies and the woods were carpeted with celandine. Their bright colours reminded her all too vividly of the mountain and the lakeside where she had lain so wonderfully happily in Kristoffer’s arms and he had told her about his native country and how they would live there once they were married.

  There was, too, the daily reminder of him whenever Tina lifted her sweet little face for a kiss or came towards her smiling to show her some treasure she had found and wished to share with her mother. With the three evacuees no longer there to be cared for, no Scotty to drop in for a relaxing hour or two of home life and only a few short visits from Una, who had been posted to 12 Group to work in the Filter Room there, Dilys was often lonely. There were constant invitations to dances and parties at Scotty’s airbase but she had no wish to become friendly with other aircrew only for them to get shot down and killed like Scotty. Una had been devastated when she’d heard the news but now, six months later, she was dating again.

  War was so cruel, Dilys thought as she helped Tina fold some wheat stalks into the shape of a doll. All around her the countryside was so beautiful and calm, so peaceful in the drowsy summer heat of the afternoon. How could evil monsters like Hitler manage to achieve such power over everyone’s lives? News had filtered back from Germany that Jews imprisoned in a Warsaw ghetto had been systematically massacred and recently there were pictures of children Tina’s age standing bewildered, clutching their parents’ hands, watched over by beligerent-looking German soldiers brandishing rifles.

  She thought sometimes of the charming German boys she and Una had met in Munich, the friendly, happy days dancing, skiing and singing. Were they, too, doing these dreadful things to people? Killing other young men like Kristoffer? Was he still alive? One of the land girls had met a Polish soldier who had escaped from his country and was in England fighting with the British. Was Kristoffer here among the many Norwegians who had managed to get away to continue the fight against their invaders?

  When such thoughts came to her mind she tried quickly to dispel them, telling herself that it was utterly ridiculous to dwell on the memory of a few isolated months when she was still a young girl in her teens. Reminding herself she was now twenty-one, mother of a three-and-a-half-year-old child and a married woman, she would turn her thoughts to James and the brief life they had shared when he was still a practising vet and she and Una worked for him as his assistants. Even then, she was obliged to recall that she was pregnant and desperately afraid she might not be able to keep her baby. Her debt to James was too big ever to be repaid, but if he came home an invalid, she would spend the rest of her life taking care of him.

  It was now nearing six o’clock and Dilys could see that Tina’s energy was finally flagging.

  ‘Come on, darling. Time to go home!’ she said, struggling to her feet and reaching for the picnic basket she had brought with her. As the child’s mouth drooped, she added quickly: ‘And it’s high time you shut those chickens in for the night. Maybe there will even be a nice fresh egg for your tea.’

  Tina loved all the animals and felt delightfully grown up when her mother put her in charge of the rabbits as well as the new clutch of ducklings. Fortunately she was unaware that from time to time, usually following a visit from a land girl, one of her charges would go missing; nor did she make the association when there was a particularly nice lunch the next day. Chicken and duck were known on the table as ‘fowl’; rabbits and lamb as ‘meat’. She was very tender-hearted, very caring towards the dog and the cat which the evacuees had had to leave behind them.

  Dilys had received somewhat grubby but painstakingly written letters from the children saying how much they missed their conker gathering beneath the chestnut trees. When they had first arrived they had not only missed their parents but the hustle and bustle of the busy streets, and the friends who lived in the same road where they all played when the bombs weren’t falling. The big open spaces which they had grown to love were at first of little use for hopscotch or marbles or skipping. Some of the stray dogs and cats roaming the streets were objects to chase or to throw stones or tin cans at. All that had changed. Even the two boys had been close to tears when they had had to leave their pets with Dilys when their mother took them home.

  On the same hot August day that Dilys was picnicking in the field with Tina, Kristoffer was lying on the grassy slope of Sticks Pass, six hundred metres above Lake Ullswater, on his way to conquer Helvellyn. Now a regular officer in the Norwegian army, he was making the most of a ten-day leave pass in the Lake District – the nearest he could come to the beautiful fjords of his homeland he missed so much. There was no denying the area was beautiful but it lacked the grandeur of the fjords with their towering mountain sides. He had hired a sailing boat the previous day when there had been a breeze and he had been able to believe he was on the water by Bergen where he and his father kept their boat. This day he had set aside to tackle the fifteen-kilometre trek to Helvellyn along Striding Edge.

  He’d reached England not by Lysander but by the ‘Shetland Bus’, the sturdy fishing boats braving the danger of enemy attack. They ploughed regularly between the Norwegian coast and the Shetland Isles north of Scotland, carrying the many foreigners who wished to continue fighting the Germans. Kristoffer had been obliged to lie low after the Estridborgen explosion as one of Erik’s men had been captured and it was feared that he might, under torture, reveal the identities of the other members of his cell and the part Kristoffer had played. It had been nearly six months before he had dared to go home to see his parents, and when he had finally done so he made up his mind to go to England like so many of his friends and continue the fight there.

  Tired after the long day on the Helvellyn range, he made his way back to his hotel in Keswick, bathed, changed his clothes and went down to the tiny bar in the entrance hall. There was not much alcohol to be had in England these days but the landlord did his best to provide something, even if it was only cider.

  There was a stranger at the bar, a tall, thin but good-looking man who turned out to be Polish. They exchanged names and Jerzy, who was on his way south from Edinburgh to Oxfordshire to meet up with his girlfriend, a WAAF officer, asked Kristoffer if he would like to see a photograph which he was obviously eager to display. He handed it to Kristoffer with a smile, saying in his own distinctive command of English, ‘No, my friend, you are not seeing double. I have tricked many men who have too many to drink!’ He laughed as he pointed to one of the two young women who stood smiling into the camera with their arms about each other’s shoulders. ‘This one I will marry if she will have me but she does not make up her mind. That one …’ he pointed a finger at the identical girl beside her, ‘… is her sister. They are borned the same, you see, but they are not the same. My girl is officer in the air force but this one lives in the country with a little girl. I not meet her but I do tomorrow.’ He smiled as he took a packet of cigarettes out of his pocket and offered one to Kristoffer. ‘I tell you, one girl like Una is quite enough to manage, she is always laughing and ready for the happy time. Sometimes I am too tired to make love to her but she just laugh and shows me I am not so tired after all!’

  He finally stopped talking, aware that Kristoffer was still holding the photograph, seemingly mesmerized by it. ‘Something is wrong?’ he asked anxiously, holding out his hand for the photo.

  Kristoffer pulled himself together and shook his head. ‘No, not at all. It’s just that I used to know those two girls. We were in Germany together as students before the war. I … I was very much in love with the one who is sister to your girl, Una.’

  Something in Kristoffer’s voice caused his companion to look at him more closel
y. ‘Was it not a happy time?’ he asked.

  For a moment, Kristoffer did not answer. Then, in a rush of words, he told the stranger how he had loved and lost Dilys; how he had tried to find her on a brief visit to England but had only found Una, who’d told him her twin was also in the air force and had almost certainly forgotten all about him.

  Jerzy shook his head. ‘That is sad for you, but life does not stand still. My Una tells me her sister has a daughter, but she has not spoke of a husband when she tell me we shall go this leave to the country where her twin lives.’ He paused to light their cigarettes, then added: ‘I do not mind where we go as long as we are together and I can make love to her so many times as I wish!’

  ‘So Dilys cannot be in the air force after all,’ Kristoffer muttered thoughtfully. His mind was racing. At long last, he knew where she was; that he could get on a train the next day and actually see her. But did he wish to do so? he asked himself. It would be like tearing the wound open which had never really healed. That unfortunate night in the hytte when he had submitted to Gerda’s demands for sex had remained on his conscience, aware as he was that he had no love for her, that he had used her not so much for her but to satisfy his own need.

  The following week had been a difficult one, Gerda smilingly attentive. This had made him sharper with her than he intended and that had served to make him feel even more guilty. It had been an enormous relief when one of Erik’s men had come up to the hytte to inform them that Erik said the hiatus after the explosion had finally died down sufficiently for them to make their way back to Oslo.

  During a brief visit to his parents in Bergen, Kristoffer had found that two more of the young men he had been at school with had left Norway to join the hundreds of others who were already serving in the Norwegian Brigade based near St Andrews in Scotland. He was now currently on embarkation leave prior to being posted to Italy where the Allies had gained a foothold in the south. He had made many friends among his fellow countrymen, who had wanted him to join them on a pleasure trip to Blackpool where they hoped to pick up some girls with whom to enjoy their brief leave. That he had opted for a solitary walking holiday in the Lake District now seemed like fate, for he would not otherwise have met Una’s Polish boyfriend.

  ‘Is it so hard to make the mind to come with me?’ Jerzy was asking. ‘I think you are still having feelings for this sister. If she is as beautiful as my Una, then I am not surprised.’ He smiled encouragingly. ‘Come with me, my friend! I have the car and petrol for the journey and we will have the jolly journey together.’ He paused to refill their glasses once more, then said: ‘I think we do not tell Una you come to visit with me. It will be surprise for her and this twin. If there is a husband, I do not think he is there as Una tells me I will have many tasks to fix as her sister has only the Land Girls at the farm who help when something breaks. You can help me to do the mends.’

  Despite his uncertainty, Kristoffer smiled at his companion’s strange grasp of the English language. He himself was bilingual, not only having studied the language at school and university but spoken it at all times with Dilys in preference to German, at which she was not very proficient.

  Jerzy took his silence as an agreement and so, after they had eaten their evening meal together, each went to pack their belongings and pay their bills so they could make an early start next morning.

  They awoke to brilliant sunshine, azure blue skies and a soft, gentle breeze. There were few other cars and only the occasional van or lorry on the A1, the main road leading south towards London. Kristoffer dozed from time to time, having had little sleep the night before as his excitement had escalated. During the wakeful hours he had steeled himself against the prospect of finding Dilys’ husband with her. He knew there must be one because Jerzy had spoken of a daughter. He had not specified if it was a child or a baby but he presumed it must be quite young. If Dilys had married the year after leaving Munich, she would not have a child older than three or four.

  The thought had been painful as he recalled how they had lain in the grass, his arm around her, and they had imagined their future and planned what they would call their children. This visit, he’d realized, was going to bring as much if not more pain than joy. He knew from Jerzy’s photograph what she now looked like – older, thinner but still with her sweet, shy smile. His heart had started racing as he recalled how that smile could suddenly transform into laughter, her eyes sparkling and her mouth searching eagerly for his kisses.

  By lunchtime Jerzy had turned off the A1 and they were now on the main A40 approaching Oxford. They had stopped briefly for a picnic lunch by the roadside and expected to be at Brook House by teatime.

  ‘It will be the more the jolly surprise when they see you!’ Jerzy exclaimed as he returned to the car.

  Would it be a pleasant surprise or the reverse? Kristoffer wondered as they turned off the main road on to the country lane leading to Fenbury. Was he not totally out of his mind seeing Dilys again, knowing she must be married and that he would mean no more to her than a half-forgotten friend?

  The nearer they got to the village the more apprehensive he became, but Jerzy was beaming as, turning into the drive, he drew up outside the front door of Brook House and jumped out of the car. Beckoning to Kristoffer to join him, he ran up the steps and rang the bell.

  It was a minute or two before the door was opened by Una, with Tina beside her. The welcoming smile on her face turned to astonishment as she recognized Kristoffer.

  ‘Oh, my God!’ she exclaimed. ‘Kristoffer …! Jerzy, wherever did you find him?’

  In the hall behind her, Tina was shouting in her high treble to her mother who was in the kitchen. ‘Mummy, Mummy! Come quick! Two mens are here and one is called Omygod but I don’t know the other. Come and see!’

  Una stood staring after her niece, her heart thudding furiously as she realized there was no possible way by which she could warn Dilys about the shock awaiting her. Jerzy was frowning as he tried to puzzle out why Una was looking so apprehensive, and Kristoffer’s expression was one of utter astonishment as he, too, stared after the departing child whose features he had instantly recognized as identical to his own.

  NINETEEN

  The evening meal was over, Tina had been put to bed and the two men were enjoying the last of Scotty’s gift of whisky in the drawing room while Una and Dilys had escaped to the kitchen, ostensibly to do the washing up. It was the first chance since Jerzy and Kristoffer had arrived for them to converse alone.

  ‘I’m just so sorry, Dil!’ Una was saying. ‘What on earth were the chances of Jerzy running into Kristoffer in the Lake District of all places!’

  Dilys put the last of the washed plates in the rack to drain and tipped the cutlery into the bowl of soapy water in the sink. Her face was very pale and her voice a little unsteady as she said, ‘It’s not your fault, or Jerzy’s, who by the way I like very much. He’s obviously crazy about you!’

  Una nodded. ‘I know, but I learned my lesson with Scotty: it just doesn’t pay to give your heart to aircrew. Chances are it will be broken if you do. I believe their life expectancy these days is less than a month. I don’t suppose it’s a lot better for the troops, is it? Kristoffer told Jerzy he is on embarkation leave so I suppose he will be in the thick of it very soon.’

  For a moment, neither girl spoke, then Una said, ‘You still love him, don’t you, Dil, and Kristoffer, poor devil, loves you. Try as he does, he can’t hide it and, as for you, well, you haven’t once managed to smile!’

  Dilys handed Una some spoons to dry. Her voice was shaking slightly as she whispered, ‘Una, I can’t … I can’t smile. I know it’s wrong of me but I can’t begin to count the number of nights I have lain awake thinking how it would be if I saw Kristoffer again, wondering whether he had forgotten me – forgotten the plans we made for the future when were married.’ She put down the wet dishcloth and reached for the chain round her neck on which Kristoffer’s ring still hung. ‘And there’s Tina,’ she c
ontinued. ‘I saw him staring at her and I know he must have guessed; she’s so like him.’

  Una drew a deep sigh. ‘I’m afraid you’re right! Those same azure blue eyes and that determined chin!’ Momentarily, her lips curved in a smile as she said, ‘Well, I suppose her insistence on calling him Mr Omygod kept the conversation from getting too serious. All the same, Dil, something has got to be done. I mean, do we put Kristoffer on a train to London – if there is one at this time of night – as he suggested? Or now he’s here, do you want him to stay? Jerzy and I will sleep in the spare room – Tina isn’t old enough yet to be shocked by the fact that we aren’t married – and Kristoffer could have the other spare room.’

  Dilys had finished her task of washing the cutlery and started helping Una dry everything and replace it in the drawer. After a moment’s silence, she said, ‘I received notification from the Red Cross yesterday before you arrived. They said James had recovered enough to be sent to a POW camp and I could write and send a parcel to him there. It means he won’t be home now until after the war is over.’ Her eyes suddenly filled with tears. ‘Oh, Una!’ she wept, ‘how could I possibly be unfaithful to James after all he’s been through and is still having to endure. I can’t! I couldn’t … But seeing Kris … Una, if it wasn’t for James, I …’ She took a handkerchief out of her pocket and wiped her eyes furiously, saying in a toneless voice, ‘Of course I still love Kris. I’ve never stopped doing so. I thought he must have forgotten me but when he said he’d tried so hard to find me … well, I knew then that nothing has changed. Four years may have passed but when we looked at each other on the doorstep … I know it’s wrong but I still love him. I always will!’