Live the Dream

by Claire Lorrimer

  For several minutes, Una did not speak. Then she said in a quiet, steady voice, ‘Dil, this is wartime! Nothing is the same as it used to be. Girls like us … good girls, are brought up to set huge store by our virginity, but what’s the value of that when young men like Scotty are dying – some dying without knowing what it is to make love to a woman! Jerzy and Kristoffer may very well lose their lives like Scotty did.’

  She put down her damp tea towel and walked over to the window, drawing the blackout curtain a fraction to one side so she could see the darkening sky and the evening stars.

  ‘I’m glad I made Scotty happy, and I shan’t feel guilty making Jerzy happy during what might be his last leave, and Dil, I don’t think you should worry about poor James as there’s nothing you can do to make life happier for him. I think you and Kristoffer should have this one week together – something you can both always remember and which cannot hurt James.’

  She turned back to look at her sister’s tear-streaked face. ‘Meeting Jerzy the way Kris did – it’s as if fate meant you to be reunited. You are twenty-one years old, Dil, and apart from those months in Munich you have never had a chance for real happiness. Oh, I know what Tina means to you, the joy she gives you, but it isn’t the same fulfilling of yourself as when you lie with someone who worships you.’

  She drew a deep breath and then said in a quiet but firm voice: ‘Jerzy and I will stay here and take care of Tina. She’ll love that! You go off with Kristoffer. Live your dreams for a few days. Go back to the Lake District if that’s what he wants – it’s beautiful there at this time of the year. Go, Dil, darling! Live your dream while you can!’

  Dilys stood perfectly still, her face now as white as the china cup she was holding. It was a full minute before she could find her voice. ‘Una, I can’t … I can’t. James … it wouldn’t be fair …’ She broke off and then added in a whisper: ‘Besides, Kristoffer might not want …’

  ‘Of course he does!’ Una interrupted. ‘He hasn’t once taken his eyes off you – except when he was looking at Tina. Obviously he has guessed she is his child. Jerzy did, too! Dil, listen to me! James won’t know so it won’t hurt him. Jerzy won’t ever meet him and I won’t ever tell him. Life’s too short for the old conventions to apply. You, Jerzy, me … we might all be dead tomorrow if a stray bomb falls on us tonight. And how would you feel if you heard that Kristoffer had been killed and you had denied him this one week when he could have lived his dream? You’d never forgive yourself – and all for someone who would never know the sacrifice you’d made.’

  Hesitantly, as if in slow motion, Dilys put the cup down on the table with unseeing eyes. The colour had returned to her cheeks and her heart was beating fiercely as her mind raced. She knew Una was right and that Kristoffer would be overjoyed at the thought of spending the rest of his leave alone with her. How many long months, years, had passed since she had last lain in his arms and he had claimed her for his own? His being here, now, under the same roof was all but unbelievable – as if fate had intended them to steal these few brief days together. Una was right. James would never know and, when he came home, she would be as good a wife as possible and let Kristoffer become no more than a treasured memory. Now, with Una and Jerzy miraculously on hand to care for Tina, there really was nothing whatsoever to prevent her going away with Kristoffer. Just the two of them … alone.

  In the drawing room, Jerzy finished his whisky and, putting down his glass on the side table, looked over at Kristoffer. His cheerful face was serious for once as he looked at his new friend. ‘I think I did the wrong thing!’ he said. ‘I was not knowing how much you love Una’s sister when I telled you to come here with me. Now no one is having the happy time!’

  ‘I’m sorry!’ Kristoffer said quietly. ‘I should have told you when you suggested I come here with you how I felt about Dilys … how I’ve always felt from the day I met her. I knew when you told me she had a child that she must be married and that seeing her again would only cause me more heartache, but I had to see her … I had to … and now …’ His voice was husky as he added softly: ‘Now I wish— The child … she’s mine, you see. I dare say you see the likeness! And Dilys … I suppose I will never stop loving her. And it’s all too late – she is married to someone else!’

  Jerzy cleared his throat. ‘Yes, well, she is married but I have seen at once that it is you she loves. It is so easy to see in her face when she looks at you when she comes to the door and so big the shock she cannot speak. And then how she is always taking care not to come close to you. I think she is happy for escape where no one sees how she feels when she goes to prepare the supper, to put the child to bed, to prepare a room for you … Yes, indeed, my friend, she loves you like you are loving her!’

  ‘Oh, God!’ Kristoffer muttered. ‘I should have guessed it would be like this, but it was all so long ago I thought she had surely forgotten me, that I had only imagined how dedicated we were to each another …’ He broke off, a faint smile replacing the look of despair on his face, and added: ‘But she hadn’t forgotten. She was wearing my ring. It was on a chain around her neck and when she leant forward to lift up the child it fell forward from the collar of her blouse! It’s the ring I gave her four years ago.’

  He stopped talking as Una came into the room, her arm round Dilys’ shoulders as she smiled at the men.

  ‘Jerzy, we have finished all the whisky and there is nothing else to drink. How about you drive me down to the Duck and Hen? I’m a special friend of the landlord ever since Scotty used to slip him a few bottles whenever he and his fellow pilots went there. Maybe he’ll find something for us.’ She smiled at Kristoffer. ‘Give you and Dil a chance to catch up on your news!’ Her eyes went to Jerzy, who rose quickly to his feet.

  ‘That is the good idea!’ he said. ‘Your English pubs is one of many things I like most about your country – and always such funny names – Duck and Hen … why is it not Duck and Chicken, I ask myself!’

  He quickly took Una’s arm and, nodding to Dilys and Kristoffer, he led her out of house and walked her purposefully down the drive.

  Neither Dilys nor Kristoffer moved and stood staring at one another until they heard the front door bang. Two seconds later, Kristoffer had stepped forward and taken Dilys in his arms. They stood silently, their lips and bodies pressed so close it was as if they had become one entity. Then Kristoffer drew his mouth from hers and his hands cupped her face as he kissed her cheeks, her eyes, her forehead. So overcome with emotion was he that he was whispering endearments in his own language: ‘Min kjaere, min elskede, min kjaere, kjaere jente.’ And then in English, he said, ‘Love you! I’ve never stopped loving you! I love you, my darling, dearest girl, so, so much!’

  He pulled her down on to the sofa and with his arms tightly around her, he described how desperately hard he had tried to find her when she left Munich. He told her of the letter he had written to her father which he supposed could not have reached her, or which her father had considered unsuitable to forward to her. He spoke of his meeting with her mother and then Una in London; of the letter he had left for her at the RAF Club for Una to pass on. How Una had told him that Dilys had joined the air force like herself and was doing secret war work.

  For a moment, Dilys looked horrified. ‘How could she lie to you about me!’ she whispered. ‘She knew better than anyone how desperately I needed you; how much I loved you. Kristoffer, I never got your letter.’

  Kristoffer was silent for a moment, then he said, ‘If by then you were already married, it is possible she considered only that it could make us both so unhappy that we should meet again too late.’

  Dilys nodded. ‘Perhaps …’

  ‘Why, why did you marry this man if you still loved me?’ Kristoffer demanded. ‘Was it because of the child?’

  Slowly, Dilys related how she had discovered she was pregnant after she was back in England; how she longed to be able to keep his baby but was ordered by her parents to have it adopted.


  ‘I was going to run away, hide somewhere … bring our baby up by myself but Una forced me to face the fact that I had no money, no training and, not least, I was underage and the police would find me and return me to my parents.’ She drew a deep breath and then said, ‘Una and I were working for James in his veterinary surgery here. She told him about me, about the baby. Kristoffer, he’s such a kind man, so caring about animals and birds and helpless creatures. There was an old man who owned a very old dog which had heart problems, and the old fellow could not afford vet’s fees or the dog’s medication and James never charged him a penny; and once, when a stray, pregnant mongrel was dumped on his doorstep and it died having six puppies, he fostered them all himself, tending to them day and night, and found them all homes when he could so easily have just put them to sleep.’

  She looked at Kristoffer, whose face was expressionless. ‘When Una told James about me and the coming baby he offered to marry me … so I could keep it. His wife and baby son had died years ago and he said he’d be pleased to have company in the house, that I would be his wife only in name … We’d have separate bedrooms and so on, and he’d gladly give my baby his name. He has been quite wonderful to me, Kris, and I can’t bear to hurt him.’ She paused and then added quietly, ‘James has been badly wounded and he’s now recovering in a German POW camp. Una says he need never know you have reappeared in my life so long as we say goodbye to each other at the end of your leave and promise not to keep in touch …’

  Her voice trailed into silence and for several minutes Kristoffer, too, was silent. Then he said, ‘It is difficult! I, too, owe him so much. He has made it possible for you to keep our baby, our little girl. She is so sweet, Dilys, so pretty and funny and charming. If I am not to see you again, I shall not see my little daughter growing up—’ His arms tightened around her and he drew a long, tremulous sigh. ‘This I see is the price I must pay if I am to have you for myself for the rest of my leave. I have had two of the seven days so you and I … we must manage somehow to have the whole of our married life’s happiness in five days. You will spend them with me, my darling, won’t you?’

  Dilys was too close to tears to speak. Then she whispered, ‘A lifetime in five days? It is so little I cannot believe James would refuse me this chance of happiness. Afterwards, he will still have me, and Tina who he loves as his own. He is such a kind man, Kris, he may even allow me to send you a photo of Tina once a year.’

  Suddenly Kristoffer released her and, jumping to his feet, pulled Dilys up beside him. His eyes were burning with excitement as he said, ‘You will need shoes, enough clothes for five days and must pack them now. We should go tonight, my darling. Maybe Jerzy will drive us to the station so we can get a train somewhere … anywhere. Maybe he will lend me the car if he is staying here with Una. We will find a hotel … say we are just married which is why you are not on my passport, which they will demand.’

  He grasped both her hands and looked into her eyes, his own now alight with laughter. ‘Una must tell Miss Omygod that I have given you a lift to London to buy Christmas presents before the Germans bomb them. How is that? I hope she will not be too sad without you.’

  For the first time, Dilys laughed. ‘I doubt it very much. Tina is quite accustomed to being left with my daily help, Mrs White. She loves Una and will, I suspect, flirt outrageously with Una’s boyfriend.’

  She drew a long, shuddering sigh and, reaching out her arm, traced Kristoffer’s lips with a fingertip. ‘I love you,’ she whispered, ‘and for five whole days and nights, I shall be yours.’ As he pulled her back into his arms, she pulled away from him, smiling. ‘Let me go,’ she urged him, ‘or I shall never get packed.’

  By the time Jerzy and Una returned from the Duck and Hen, Dilys and Kristoffer were standing in the unlit hall ready to go.

  TWENTY

  Kristoffer had been driving for over an hour before he and Dilys reached the Gloucestershire village of Newgate, a small hamlet bordered by a slow-running stream which, now darkness had fallen, was reflecting the moonlight. The shaded headlights of Jerzy’s hired car lit up the straggling few cottages and thatched roof of a single pub. No lights shone through the blackout curtains in the windows but Kristoffer drew to a halt when he saw a bicycle and a chained sheepdog curled up near the wall.

  ‘Chances are that someone is still drinking in the bar!’ he said. ‘Although, it is an hour past your English closing time!’

  Stopping only to kiss Dilys’ cheek, he opened the car door and, crossing the narrow road, knocked on the sturdy oak door. It was several minutes before the door opened and a woman Dilys supposed was the landlord’s wife opened it and stood listening to what Kristoffer was saying. Dilys could see her face break into a smile as she nodded and beckoned to him to follow her inside. Minutes later he reappeared and, opening the car door, took his kitbag and Dilys’ small suitcase and helped her out of the car.

  ‘The good lady has shown me the only room she has for guests!’ he told her. ‘It is not so large and has no carpet on the floor but it is very clean and …’ he paused to kiss her once more, ‘… the bed is so big it fills up the room!’ He laughed happily. ‘I told her we are just married so quickly as I am to go overseas very soon, and she tells me this will be the first time they have had a honeymoon couple in the room. I think she is a romantic.’

  Which, indeed, she was as she ushered them upstairs and opened the casement windows with a loud squeak to allow the soft summer night air to freshen the room.

  She beamed at Dilys, saying she would bring her a cup of tea, and apologised to Kristoffer that her husband did not have any champagne in the bar and only a limited amount of beer or cider due to the wartime shortages.

  Having produced Dilys’ tea, she finally bade them goodnight and they were alone. It was the moment Dilys had been longing for but, now that it had come, she felt absurdly shy. As if Kristoffer had sensed her feelings, he pulled the only chair over to the window and sat down, saying, ‘Why don’t you unpack, kjaere, and as on this occasion I wish to spoil you, you may have the first visit to the bathroom, which the landlady tells me is at the end of the passage. When you are ready for bed, I shall take my turn!’

  When Dilys had finished in the old-fashioned bathroom and returned to the room, Kristoffer immediately got up and disappeared down the corridor. She undressed and, realizing she had forgotten to pack a nightdress, she hurriedly scrambled beneath the bed clothes, pulling the eiderdown up to her chin. All she could think of was whether Kristoffer would notice how changed her body was since the last time he had made love to her. She was no longer the slim, small-waisted girl she had been then. Her breasts had filled out when she was feeding Tina and had never fully regained their shape. Would he be disappointed? It was easy to see that, if he had changed at all, he had become even fitter and more muscular, no doubt as the result of his training in the army. Other women would find him attractive. By comparison, would she seem gauche, a disappointment to him?

  Stupidly she closed her eyes, pretending that she had dozed off and did not hear him return. She was holding her breath as she heard him cross the room and draw back the curtains, and then he was climbing into bed beside her, saying, ‘Last time I made love to you it was in the sunlight, but now it will be in the moonlight …’

  The night summer air had lost none of its warmth and Kristoffer quickly pulled the eiderdown and bedclothes away and began covering her with kisses, his hands caressing first her breasts and then moving down her trembling body to her waist. His body was burning hot against her naked flesh and hers filled with an answering passion. Her arms now clasping him to her, she kissed him feverishly, his lips, his chest and the taut muscles of his stomach, at which point he cupped her face in his hands and, parting her legs with his own, found his way into her.

  They were now breathing in unison as Kristoffer moved slowly at first but quickened as she urged him wordlessly to move faster. For the first time in her life, she was swept away by the uncontrollable ur
ge of desire. As the waves of pleasure swept over her, she held tightly to his body as he, too, climaxed. They now lay quietly, their arms tight about one another, their mouths exchanging gentle, loving kisses as their breathing slowed.

  For one anxious moment, the thought shot though Dilys’ mind: might she become pregnant again? But as if he had read her thoughts, Kristoffer said softly, ‘I think God intended we should be man and wife! I think if we were married we would find ourselves with a house full of children like Tina. It is sad but just as well that I made sure this would not happen this time!’

  He turned on his side and pulled her close to him. She could tell by his voice that he was smiling as he said, ‘I think your sister has chosen wisely. Jerzy is a very kind, nice fellow, and but for him I would not have had with me the means to prevent a child.’

  Just for an instant, Dilys was reminded of the two occasions when James had made love to her. He, too, was unprepared but explained that he would take great care not to climax inside her. Gently, he had described how babies could be prevented, adding that when he came back home again, he would make sure he was properly prepared. He had further implied that if she was agreeable, he would like her to have his child.

  Quickly, she put thoughts of James out of her mind. She didn’t want to think of anything but the fantastic stroke of luck which had made it possible for Kristoffer and herself to have these five precious days of his leave together. She wouldn’t think about afterwards: how she could go back to living without him. She would treasure every moment, every kiss, every touch, every smile.