Live the Dream

by Claire Lorrimer

  ‘I love you so much!’ she whispered, but he did not hear her as he had fallen fast asleep.

  The following morning they woke to another brilliantly hot August day. The sun was streaming through the uncurtained window when Kristoffer woke Dilys with a kiss which quickly led to more lovemaking. This time, Dilys was without any inhibitions and, to Kristoffer’s delight, was as eager and passionate as himself.

  Downstairs in the single room which served also as the bar, the owner, an elderly, grey-haired man called Jack Dawson who was deputizing for his son who had joined the navy, served them scrambled eggs on a slice of ham. Two of his neighbours had teamed up with him to buy a pig when food first started to become short, pooling their household waste with his to fatten it up. He added proudly that he had smoked it up his inglenook chimney and the three of them had shared the proceeds, which they hoarded for special occasions.

  Kristoffer and Dilys were touched by the man’s kindness in sharing his precious ham with them, and Kristoffer promised to send him a joint of fenalår, a Norwegian smoked mutton speciality, he explained, after the war was over.

  It was yet another beautiful sunny day and when the landlord suggested they should take a picnic and explore some of the Cotswold countryside they quickly fell in with the idea. With the aid of a map roughly drawn by the landlady, they made their way across fields where herds of cows and sheep were happily grazing and down a lane void of houses. Kristoffer then turned into a spinney not on the map where the trees were sparse enough to allow the sunlight to penetrate the branches.

  Smiling at Dilys, he found a soft mossy mound on the edge of a small, lazy stream and drew her down beside him. Without speaking, he removed his shirt and trousers and then pulled off her cotton frock and underclothes so that they were both naked.

  ‘It is too long since I last made love to you, my darling!’ he said softly between kisses.

  Dilys traced his lips with her fingertip, her eyes smiling. ‘But it’s only a few hours since we woke up and …’

  Kristoffer pretended to sigh. ‘So already I am boring you …’ he began but Dilys pressed her mouth against his and drew him to her. Such had been the loving intensity of Kristoffer’s lovemaking the previous night and next morning that she had lost all trace of shyness and, for the first time in her life, Dilys was able to experience the full pleasure of a perfect sexual union. Four years ago, when Kristoffer had made love to her by the lake in Bavaria, she had been mentally happy that he should do so but, physically, it had been painful and she had been uncertain of how she was to respond. It had been enough that she was making him happy and that they were behaving like a married couple. It was so different when she had gone to James’ bedroom and lain with him those last nights of his leave. Then she had just wished to thank him in the only physical way she could think of for the huge gift of her beloved daughter which he had made possible. She was happy to have made him happy but had not herself felt or even wanted any pleasure from the encounter. Now … now it was all different; she was as hungry for Kristoffer as he was for her and had discovered the intense joy of a union with a loved one.

  For a while they lay with their arms about one another, the midday sun hot on their naked bodies. Suddenly, Kristoffer rose to his feet and went across to the stream. Dilys watched his strong, muscular body as he bent down and started to collect stones and pieces of wood to make a dam and, smiling, imagined him as a small boy and then, as the son she would never have. Her mind went briefly to their daughter but without worry, knowing that Tina adored her Aunt Una and would not be missing her.

  ‘Come here, kjaere!’ Kristoffer called. ‘I have made us a little pool for bathing!’ And he laughed.

  Dilys took a quick glance round her to make sure they were still completely isolated and then joined him in the small pool he had created. Laughing happily, he kissed her quickly and then splashed her with the clear cold water running into the pool and seeping out through his roughly made dam.

  ‘We are like Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden!’ he said, smiling. ‘You are so beautiful and I am so happy. I shall always remember this day and how lucky we are to be here together.’

  He seemed able to forget that, in four days’ time, they would be parted and never see each other again. Dilys tried to hide her own unbearable thoughts of a life without him. She at least had Tina, a part of him. Last night Kristoffer had spoken of his daughter and told her he did not wish to see her again before he left, that the hurt would only be greater knowing he could never be her father. It would have been easier if he had never seen her, he’d said sadly, but then added that he could find some happiness in knowing that part of him would always remain with her, Dilys.

  True to his resolve, when their idyllic few days together came to the end and he drove her home, he remained in the car unseen when Tina came rushing out of the front door to greet her mother. She was in her nightdress ready for bed, her small face alight with excitement as Dilys hugged her.

  ‘Aunt Una let me stay up till you came!’ she said excitedly. ‘Have you brought me a present? Uncle Jerzy gave me my very own watch. Look! It tells the time and you wind it like this …’

  She did not look at the car but, clinging to Dilys’ hand, followed her mother indoors.

  He and Dilys had already said goodbye to one another when he had stopped the car half a mile away. White-faced, Dilys had been too unbearably sad to cry as they had clung to one another. She knew Kristoffer was right when he said it would be easier for them both if they made a clean break, never to see each other or communicate again. He did not suggest that they should try to forget one another as he knew it would not be possible.

  His throat tightened and hot tears stung the back of his eyes as he watched them disappear into the house. It was all he could do not to wrench open the car door and go running after them. That last night together, it had taken a huge effort of will not to renege on their agreement when, after their lovemaking, he had tasted the tears on Dilys’ cheeks and known that she was as conscious as himself of how little time they had left.

  Now the parting was done and, mercifully, the front door opened again and Una came out with Jerzy carrying their suitcases. All three were travelling back to London together. Their leaves over, they would be returning to their wartime duties – Jerzy to his airfield, Una to her Filter Room and Kristoffer to his regiment. Tactfully, no mention was made of the days he and Dilys had spent together and conversation was for the most part about the massive carpet bombing by the Allies over Germany and whether this would lead to the invasion for which everyone had waited for so long.

  It crossed Kristoffer’s mind that when the invasion happened there would inevitably be a huge loss of life and both he and Jerzy might not live to see victory, but as far as he was concerned, he could see no joy in a future without Dilys. Such was his despair that it even crossed his mind they might both have been happier had he never found her and, as the years went by, they had become distant memories.

  When finally they reached London, Jerzy drove Una to Victoria where she was staying the last night of her leave with her parents. He then drove Kristoffer to King’s Cross station where he intended to catch the night train to Scotland to rejoin the Norwegian Brigade, the 52nd Division, of which he was part. It was a mountain training division who were preparing men for the ultimate reclaiming of his country.

  While Jerzy was driving the car to a nearby garage where he would leave it, Kristoffer sat in the station waiting room waiting for him to return. Ordering himself a beer, he took from his pocket a folded sheet of notepaper Una had placed there as she was saying goodbye. His drink lay untouched as he read it not once but several times, his heart beating furiously as he did so.

  Dil just told me you agreed not to keep in touch but I said it wasn’t fair on you and she agreed that I could write to you every Christmas to let you know she was OK, and to send you a photo of Tina so you could see her growing up. Dil thinks you might not want them, in which case, j
ust chuck them away. She doesn’t want you to write to her. Take care of yourself.

  Love, Una

  Kristoffer’s depression lessened as he realized he was not going to lose all contact with Dilys and his daughter after all. It might be painful to see how they were continuing their lives without him but at least they would not be entirely lost to him. Kristoffer’s whole body, which had been tensed so tightly he had had difficulty breathing, now relaxed and an expression of pure happiness spread over his face. He felt like a condemned man who had been told that he had been reprieved: not released from a life sentence but at least with something now to live for.

  When Jerzy returned he found with great relief a different companion for the journey north. The sad, unhappy man was now happy to listen to him singing Una’s praises and telling him what unexpected fun they’d had playing mother and father; a happily married couple. They had laughed and made love and been so happy, he told Kristoffer, that on their last day together he had proposed to Una and she had agreed to get engaged.

  ‘So many WAAF girls have been so sad when their boyfriends not come back safe, she telled me. So she never love anyone too much again after Scotty died, so a big surprise for me when I ask her to marry me and she say yes. I am the very, very happy man, and it make me sad that you and the nice Dilys have not the same happiness.’

  The train rattled its way northwards, filled as always with uniformed men with their kit bags, clunking every now and again to a standstill when a heavily laden string of wagons carrying vital supplies shunted past in the darkness of a blacked-out station. Some of the men slept in the corridors when the carriages were full; some on the overhead luggage racks. Nearly all were smoking and, until the early hours, there was a continuing noise of chatter, laughter and, occasionally, singing.

  After several hours, Kristoffer finally managed to doze off, his head against the rough upholstery, his right hand in his pocket clutching the lifeline Dilys’ twin had thrown him.

  TWENTY-ONE

  Two long years later the war had finally ended and the liberated countries were celebrating their first peacetime Christmas for seven years. If anything, living conditions were even worse as the countries started picking up the pieces after the invasion; as they tried to re-establish their depleted economies.

  Kristoffer’s father, Herr Holberg, had regained control of Holberg Tømmer AS, the family timber company, and with the surrounding forests, wood for heating at least was plentiful. Kristoffer was sitting in a chair by the warm stove when his mother came into the room with an airmail letter in her hand. The stamp was English and her expression was far from happy as she handed it to him.

  On her son’s return from Scotland, he had told her of his love for Dilys, a married woman, and the existence of his child. Both shocked and dismayed, she had been only partially relieved to hear that they had agreed never to see each other or communicate again. Now she feared that the woman was trying to get in touch with him once more as he took the envelope from her eagerly, his expression full of joy.

  As he had hoped, it was from Una. When they had parted company in London, she had promised to send, unknown to Dilys, news of her twin and Tina once a year at Christmastime so he could be reassured that they were alive and well. No letter had come that first Christmas of 1943, but one had come in 1944 saying briefly that all was well with Dilys and the child. The rest of the letter referred to the progress of the Allied invasion and her hope that Norway would soon be liberated. The letter had been delivered by a member of the Norwegian Resistance returning from England and was six weeks’ out of date. Now, with his beloved country free at last, when the Germans had finally surrendered, Una’s letter arrived before the end of the year.

  Disregarding his mother’s presence, he tore open the envelope and drew out a snapshot of his little girl. Now five-and-a-half years old, she had lost the chubbiness of babyhood and bore a slight resemblance to her mother. She was laughing into the camera and was holding out her two little arms as if she was about to be embraced.

  Watching her son’s expression and all too painfully aware of the reason for the sadness and longing he was feeling, Fru Holberg waited until he had read the letter before saying, ‘This is not right, Kristoffer. You know you should forget this English woman and the child! You know nothing can ever come of it and you are wasting the years when you could be happily married with children of your own and …’

  Kristoffer silently handed the letter to his mother to read. ‘No, Mor!’ he said sharply. ‘I have told you this many times: I shall never marry. My heart is not mine to give and I am quite happy living here with you and Far.’

  Finishing reading, his mother handed the letter back to him with a sigh. ‘It is not right, Kristoffer! Your father and I always thought when you and Gerda … You were so close as children … That you would marry one day, and I know she loves you. When you were wounded, Gerda was beside herself with worry and told me she would not want to go on living if you died. Mercifully, you recovered, but often your temperature was so high those weeks before the liberators gave me medicine for you, you were delirious. Gerda was so good, helping me look after you. I could see how it tormented her when all the time you called the name of the Englishwoman.’

  Kristoffer hesitated, then he said quietly, ‘I am sorry, Mor, but I cannot forget Dilys, and I’m sorry that Gerda and I will never give you the grandchildren you wish for, but perhaps Gerda will find a husband in America. From what she wrote to you in her last letter, the family in California for whom she is now the au pair sound very pleasant. Gerda is both pretty and intelligent and it may not be long before we hear she has met someone she fancies who might wish to marry her.’

  Fru Holberg sighed. ‘I hope you are right and that she will be happy married to an American. If that happened, I should miss her very much. She has always been like a daughter to me. Before she left, I promised her I would write regularly to tell her how you were recovering and, more importantly, to let her know if I thought you were at last putting away the memory of your affair with this Englishwoman. I should be so happy that she would then return home. I miss her very much. She is a good girl, Kristoffer, and she would make you a good wife.’

  Kristoffer shook his head. ‘It will never happen, Mor. It is as a sister that I love Gerda. My heart will remain always with Dilys.’

  Fru Holberg sighed again before asking, ‘How is your leg feeling today? I was happy when I dressed your wound this morning to see there is no further sign of infection. Now that we have the telephone service again I will speak to the doctor and see if he will recommend you to walk without the crutches.’

  Kristoffer watched with relief as his mother finally left the room and then he eagerly reread Una’s letter.

  Dilys has been helping out at the village infants’ school where Tina now goes but the boys’ prep school, which had been commandeered by the army when they were evacuated at the outbreak of the war, has now been de-requisitioned and Dilys applied for the job of first-year teacher. Because of the shortage of teachers after so many were killed in the war, the school were pleased to employ her and agreed that Tina could join in the six-to seven-year-old boys’ classes as she is very forward for her age.

  As he read on, Kristoffer caught his breath. Dilys’ husband, James, had been repatriated when his prisoner-of-war camp, Oflag IV-D, situated north of Dresden, was liberated by the Russians in May. Sadly the shrapnel wound in his head had led to confusion and loss of memory and he was currently in a London hospital, where Dilys could visit him every Sunday. No one yet knew if or when he would be allowed home as he had yet to hear when the surgeons considered it safe to operate on his head to extract the fragment of shrapnel that had not been removed by the German doctors the previous year. The letter continued:

  Sometimes Tina goes with Dilys but every other weekend our parents go down from London to oversee the renovations to Hannington Hall, now that it has been de-requisitioned. Then Tina spends the afternoon in her grandmoth
er’s care and a surprisingly close bond has developed between them. As for my father, he pretends not to find Tina enchanting but it’s obvious he does!

  The letter finally ended with the news of her recent demobbing from the WAAF, that Jerzy was applying for a British passport and that they would settle in England when they were married, and the usual good wishes for Kristoffer’s well-being.

  For a few minutes, Kristoffer sat with the letter between his hands, his emotions in turmoil. In some ways, the news was almost unbearable knowing that Dilys’ and his little daughter’s lives were being lived without him. There was also a sharp stab of jealousy when he’d read of Dilys’ weekly visits to her husband. He forced himself to curb such emotion, knowing as he did that James Sherwin’s war injuries were far, far worse than his own leg wound. His doctor had said that in six months’ time he should have the full use of his leg again. Mental confusion was a cruel permanent handicap.

  His thoughts returned momentarily to his mother’s understandable antipathy to Dilys and perhaps, even more so, to the child he could never claim as his. He knew only too well how much Gerda had hoped, when she was helping to nurse him, that he would turn to her on the rebound. Far from it, the night he had spent with her in the mountain hytte was something he tried to erase from his memory, aware as he was that it should never have happened. Dilys had never asked him if he had made love to other women before her but there had been no need for an answer as she was never in doubt during those halcyon days together that their love for one another was for a lifetime.

  Occasionally, one or another of his old fellow resistance fighters called in to see him during his convalescence. Inevitably they asked him if he was thinking of going back to England now the war was over. He pretended uncertainty but he knew he never would go, that were he to do so he would not be able to prevent himself from seeing Dilys and his child.