The Saddler Boys

by Fiona Palmer

  The kids looked around.

  ‘Toilet?’ said Seth.

  ‘Can you please go and check? Thanks, Seth.’ Nat wasn’t worried. It was quite common for kids to have to go at the most inappropriate times. Billy was one of the worst.

  She was helping Ruby decide what to paint when Seth came back. ‘I can’t find him, Miss Wright. I checked the toilets and the playground.’ Seth’s eyebrows met and he looked so much like Matt.

  ‘Oh. Okay. Um, Emily?’ she asked the aide who was down the back washing up some spilled paint. ‘Can you keep an eye on the class, please?’

  ‘No worries,’ said Emily, who dried her hands and joined the kids.

  Nat walked out and checked with Grace that Billy wasn’t in her class. Then she checked with Kath in the office. ‘What about you, Ross? Did you see him while on duty?’

  She didn’t want to panic, but her heart was starting to race. Normally a kid would have popped up by now. Grace had told her about one boy a few years ago who’d got upset over an incident in the playground and had simply walked home – 5 kilometres away. Sure enough, they found him alone in the kitchen, eating cereal. They could laugh about it now but Nat was sure Billy wouldn’t do that; his home was over 20 kilometres away. Unless he’d gone to her house? Maybe something scared him enough to seek another shelter?

  ‘I recall seeing him playing in the sandpit,’ said Ross.

  ‘I’m going to run home and see if he’s there. Can you take over my class, please, Ross? Emily is watching them at the moment.’

  He stood up straight away, his face full of concern. ‘Yes, you go. Then we might have to let Drew know.’

  ‘I’ll call Kath if I find him.’ Nat rushed back into her class to get her phone and keys. Before she left she asked the class if anyone had noticed if Billy had been upset.

  ‘Or did anyone notice a lady by the fence, someone you’ve never seen before?’ Nat asked, feeling like she was going to be sick. Surely not. She didn’t want to believe Simone could have taken him away. And Nat was supposed to be watching out for Billy. Drew would kill her. Nat was about to drop the F-bomb when she remembered the room was full of kids.

  ‘I didn’t,’ said Seth, who was one of the oldest in the class.

  All the little faces watched her, and she could tell they were picking up on her concern so she tried to smile. ‘That’s okay. We’ll find him. Finish your work,’ she said as calmly as she could before rushing out past Ross. ‘I don’t care what they do,’ she mumbled before jogging up the corridor and out the door.

  She checked her house, looked around for Simone’s car, and even stopped at the shop to see if Ida had noticed anything or seen Billy. Nat came up totally empty. She needed to call Drew. She hurried back to the school, hoping to find he’d just been asleep in the cement tube or busy building a teepee near the bush reserve behind the school. It had to be something like that. God, she hoped so.

  She caught up with Ross and Kath: still nothing.

  ‘Grace, can I quickly ask the senior kids something?’ Nat said, popping her head in the door.

  ‘Yeah, sure. Kids, listen up, please. Miss Wright has a question.’

  The older kids lifted their heads. ‘I just need to know if anyone saw a woman standing by the fence at lunchtime, maybe wearing a green beanie. She may have been talking to Billy. Can anyone recall someone hanging around?’

  Summer, an eleven-year-old with bird earrings, shot her hand up. ‘I did, miss. She was smoking and it was wafting towards us where we were doing handstands on the lawn.’

  Oh, god. Nat clutched the cupboard under the blackboard for support, her knees becoming two-minute noodles of the soggy kind.

  ‘She was wearing a beanie, I think,’ added Summer.

  Grace came over and put her hand on Nat’s arm. ‘Are you okay? You look like you’re about to be sick.’

  ‘Oh, no.’ Nat’s stomach was rolling, her head pounding so hard she was struggling to think.

  Grace’s voice seemed so distant. ‘Thanks, Summer. Guys, continue with your work. I’ll just be a minute.’ Grace helped her outside, away from all the prying eyes. ‘What’s going on, Nat?’ she demanded softly.

  ‘I think Billy’s been taken.’ Nat felt clammy and faint. The world was starting to spin. What did she do now?

  The next thing she knew she was sitting on the senior’s bench and Grace was shoving a glass of water under her nose. ‘Nat, please, what is going on? You’ve got us all worried. What do you mean Billy’s been taken?’

  ‘Us’ turned out to be Kath and Ross, hovering in her peri­pheral vision.

  Nat looked at them and felt the weight of the world come crashing down on her. Tears blurred her vision. ‘I have to tell Drew.’ Nat broke down and sobbed into her hands.

  Chapter 32

  DREW was driving like a madman, racing towards the school. God protect anyone on the road ahead, human or animal.

  Kath had called him. ‘Drew, can you get to the school as soon as possible?’ Her tone alone had made the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. And then she’d said, ‘We can’t find Billy.’

  He’d dropped the fencing gear, left it all sitting in the paddock and raced off in his ute. Turbo would just head back to the house and wait. Kath had not wanted to go over the specifics on the phone, but he had to assume Simone had taken his son. His foot kept pressing harder against the accelerator. What he wouldn’t give for Nat’s car right now, instead of this old ute that hadn’t gone so fast in its whole life.

  He slowed through town and finally pulled up at the school. Ripping off his jacket, as he was nearly sweating from the stress, he ran through the school gates.

  ‘Drew,’ called Grace, who was sitting in the undercover area with Nat. ‘We’re over here.’

  Drew pulled up short when he saw the state Nat was in. Red eyes, tear-stained face, and white as a freshly shorn sheep. He bent down in front of her but Nat wouldn’t look at him.

  ‘It’s all my fault,’ said Nat in a trance-like state. ‘I was meant to be watching him and I got distracted. I’m so sorry. It’s all my fault.’ Her voice was so raw it broke his heart, but Drew wasn’t really processing anyone’s words yet.

  Nat flicked her eyes up and they latched on to his. ‘I’m so sorry, Drew,’ she sobbed. ‘I think Simone took him.’

  Drew fell back onto his heels, as if blown from an exploding grenade. His worst fear had been confirmed.

  ‘Who’s Simone?’ said Grace.

  Nat drew in a breath. ‘Billy’s mum,’ she said. ‘I was supposed to be keeping watch. Can we call the police, get them to look for the car? She’d be on her way back to Perth. We can probably track her route.’ Her voice grew stronger, more determined. ‘I’ll call. I know the car and what she looks like.’

  Drew was struck cold, frozen, but on the inside there was a volcano of lava lashing up. He wanted to burst, scream and shout, swear and kill something, someone, preferably Simone.

  Kath and Ross came and went, water was offered to him, Lauren turned up, then Matt and Kim, but he couldn’t move. The world moved around him as if on high speed while he sat there, the cramp in his legs nothing to the pain that was pulling him apart on the inside.

  ‘Drew,’ said Kim. She slapped his face to rouse him. ‘Drew.’

  He didn’t even feel the slap but he blinked until he could focus on Kim. ‘Billy?’

  ‘The police are looking for them. Come on, it’s time to go home. Kids are about to finish school.’

  ‘I need to find Billy. I need to go to Perth,’ Drew said as Kim and Matt practically dragged him up onto his feet.

  ‘We will, mate. We will,’ said Matt.

  ‘I’m so sorry, Drew.’

  He turned at Nat’s gutted voice. She was still so beautiful but he didn’t know what to say to her, couldn’t think of the words, so he just turned and left with Kim and Matt. He couldn’t even give her a reassuring smile. He was just a shell.

  Before he knew it they were at his
place and packing up some gear.

  ‘We’re both coming with you. We’ll bloody knock on every door we can. I know the police are probably already doing it but . . . shit,’ said Matt as he grabbed Drew’s packed bag. ‘Can you wait ten while Kim whizzes home to grab our stuff?’

  Kim didn’t even wait for his reply. One minute she was there beside him, the next she was gone. Everything seemed to flash past in chunks, like he was watching a badly scratched movie. Nothing was fluid or in sync. Take Billy from Drew’s life and he just couldn’t function properly. If they didn’t find him, would he feel like this forever?

  ‘We’ll get him back, Drew. Don’t you worry. We’ll find him even if we have to search every bloody house with a fine-tooth comb. She can’t hide from us forever.’

  When Kim returned they hit the road. He was in no state to drive; he just stared out the window the whole way, not game to think about his son being missing because if he did, if he let those floodgates open, he wasn’t sure he’d be able to shut them. And who knew how long it would take before it would run dry?

  Chapter 33

  ‘SO have you been to Wave Rock?’ Simone asked Billy as they sped through the outskirts of town.

  ‘Yeah, but not for ages. We have a few rocks on the farm that I play on with Seth.’

  ‘Who is Seth?’ she asked and was pleased when Billy replied excitedly, telling her about his best friends who lived next door and all the things they got up to, from building bush cubbies to racing their bikes.

  ‘Are we going to my house?’ Billy asked at one point as he glanced around, trying to work out where they were.

  ‘We’re going to Wave Rock first. I’ll get your ice-cream there and we can have a look around together. Make some memories,’ she said with a smile.

  Billy looked at her strangely. ‘But I don’t want to go to Wave Rock. I want to go home,’ he said softly. ‘You said we were going to Dad.’

  ‘We are, Billy. After our ice-cream, remember?’

  Simone could hardly believe that this little boy was made from her DNA, grown inside her belly, that she’d given birth to him after nine hours of labour. It had all been so sudden, in the end. One minute she was walking around Drew’s house cursing the heat and her swollen ankles, and the next she’d been struck down with pain so intense she’d craved a hit of any sort. For five months Alice had hovered over her like a prison guard – don’t do this, don’t do that, you must eat this, it’s good for the baby. Simone had grown to dislike the child, as life in the Saddler household had become unbearable. It was all about the baby. When he was born she’d been so relieved it was all over, relieved she could be herself again.

  Yet the memory of that white room, the doctor and nurses, the blood and the newborn baby cries had always stayed with her, no matter how hard she’d tried to burn them from her mind with whatever concoction she could find.

  She could still remember the moment the doctor had lifted him up to her, saying, ‘It’s a boy!’ Simone hadn’t wanted to know, hadn’t wanted to see him either, but it had been too late. His little body was there, all red and mucky. She’d turned her head away then, hot tears running from her eyes. Not because of any love that was swamping her, but from relief that it was all finally over. At last she could have her life back – and they could have the baby.

  But later Simone had been curious about the boy. It was surreal to think he’d been the baby growing inside her all that time. But because she refused to hold him or be near him, she’d severed whatever bond may have grown. As soon as she’d felt up to walking, she took the meagre possessions she had left and escaped back to the city.

  Suffering through the after-effects of her pregnancy and labour constantly reminded her of what she’d been through – breasts full and aching, a body trying to recover, and then the baby blues, which made her depression worse. Getting back to normal, the parties, the good times, had seemed to ease her mind. She at least felt free. The way Alice had lorded over her and gone on and on about the child and its health – well, she’d been glad to be rid of him. In a way she’d been jealous of the love and devotion they’d given an unborn child when Simone struggled to get anything from her own mum.

  It wasn’t until her mum passed away from a drug overdose that she recalled any happy childhood memories of her own. Going for ice-cream, visits to the beach. Some of those times were to escape her dad when he was in a foul mood but it had brought them closer together. Simone often wondered, if her mum had really loved her, why hadn’t she left her abusive husband and started a new life?

  Here she was now, facing her own son and trying to make amends. Her mum had never left her, after all, no matter how bad things had got.

  Simone pulled out a cigarette and lit it.

  Billy gaped at her. ‘You can’t smoke in a car,’ he said. ‘We’ll choke. Smoking kills you. Gives you cancer. I don’t want cancer.’

  The kid was going on and on. Simone saw the horror on his face; it looked as if he might jump out the car, so she wound down her window and threw her cigarette out.

  ‘That’s littering. You’re lucky it’s not summer or you could have started a fire.’

  ‘Jesus, kid, who are you? The goody-two-shoes police?’ The sooner they could get to Wave Rock, the better. She was dying for a ciggie. ‘Can I stop and have a smoke?’ she asked him.

  He shook his head and crossed his arms. ‘I want my dad. Can we go home now?’

  ‘But we haven’t had our ice-cream yet, and I promised you two, remember?’ Maybe she should just stop and have a quick smoke before her nerves went crazy.

  ‘I don’t want one. I just want to go home.’ His bottom lip dropped.

  ‘Well, I want to see Wave Rock and have an ice-cream, so we’ll keep going.’

  Simone’s mother had brought her up on tough love and she knew that with a firm hand Billy would understand and get over it. Once he got his ice-cream it would be fine.

  She glanced across and saw big fat tears falling down his face.

  ‘Let’s put on some music, hey? What do you like to listen to?’ Simone turned up the radio. She ignored his crying and sang along. Soon he’d give up trying to get her attention.

  ‘I want my dad,’ he sobbed, but she ignored his hiccups and snotty nose. He just wanted his own way but she guessed he’d be fine after a treat.

  ‘We’re nearly there. I wonder if they still have the animals there. We could see the white kangaroo.’ She might as well have been talking to herself. Billy just cried even more. This kid was persistent.

  And it only got worse. By the time they arrived in Hyden, he was in near hysterics. He wouldn’t get out of the car so she left him there while she had a quick smoke then went to get the ice-cream.

  ‘Here, buddy, just what you wanted,’ she said, opening the car door. But he didn’t move, wouldn’t even look at her. ‘Okay, then. Suit yourself.’ She left the ice-cream on the ground for him. ‘Well, I’m going to have a look around the rock. Come with me if you like. It will be fun.’

  He stayed put, so she turned and headed to the rock. As she walked through the bush and climbed over the rock, looking for tadpoles in the little pools, she wondered if he was hoeing into the ice-cream.

  But on her return she found it where she’d left it, melted into a mess on the ground. Billy was asleep in the front seat, snot and tears smeared over his face. The kid had been crying non-stop for over an hour – no wonder he’d crashed.

  He would be better when he woke up, she thought. He just needed time to realise he was fine with her, that they could be a family.

  Simone went to buy some chocolate before waking him up.

  ‘Hey, Billy, wanna come and look at the animals with me?’

  He sat up with a start, looking around and trying to get his bearings. ‘Where’s my dad? I want my dad,’ he said, starting to cry again.

  ‘No, Billy, enough crying. You’ll have no tears left soon.’ She reached out for his arm to pull him out of the car. ‘Come on,
you’ll feel better if we go see something.’

  ‘I don’t want to,’ he said. ‘No!’ he screamed when she pulled him from the car.

  She let him go and he fell to the ground, sobbing, and that’s when she saw the dark patch spreading across his school pants. She was hit with the strong smell of urine.

  Billy didn’t seem to care that he’d wet himself; he just lay there on the ground with more tears and snot. What was it with this kid? Surely he was too old to be wetting his pants. Didn’t kids stop that before they got to school?

  ‘Damn it, Billy. You don’t have any other pants to wear. Now what are we going to do?’

  Simone didn’t know what to do with him. She hadn’t even changed nappies, so there was no way she wanted to be changing a grown boy’s pants. She couldn’t call her mum. Instead she lit up another cigarette and watched him. ‘You’re just making this harder on yourself, kid. It doesn’t have to be like this.’

  Simone’s earlier thoughts of having her son with her, doing the family thing, lots of laughs and fun, all suddenly slipped away, replaced by the cold reality. But she didn’t want to give up just yet. He had to come around. She just had to be patient. TV, she suddenly thought. Kids love TV.

  Somehow she managed to get him back into the car, and they drove to the Hyden motel, where she booked a room for them. She couldn’t coax him from the car so she ended up carrying him, crying and screaming, to the room. Luckily the place was quiet, so no one would pay them any attention. Simone had seen plenty of unruly kids before, anyway. People would just think he was misbehaving.

  She put him down on the floor and turned on the TV. Billy curled up into a ball and kept crying for his dad. Her friend had a ten-year-old boy and she’d looked after him a few times. He’d never been this difficult. Even when his mum hadn’t returned as promised, even two days later, he’d never become this hysterical.

  Simone left him and went downtown to buy some bourbon UDLs to get her through, and a heap more snacks and chips from the roadhouse. When she returned he was asleep on the floor.