Regolith

by Brent Reilly

Perhaps what pissed him off the most was his wife paid a fucking million for one to protect her children and grandchildren. Even her father, the cheapskate banker, forked over a million.

  Seeing Jackson’s laptop on, Cooper quickly cross the room and instinctively sat down to discover what dirty secrets Jackson had on his computer. Like many politicians, he was an incurable busy-body. Which is how the Patriot Act got passed.

  Email! Excellent. Cooper went through his friend’s shit.

  Jackson returned to his underground shed to find Cooper sitting arrogantly in his chair and looking intently at his laptop. Cooper had that “I’m gonna get laid” look, which is superior to the “I just got laid” look. Jackson cursed himself for not locking his computer with a password. How many times had he lectured his staff on computer security, only to fail himself when the most dangerous man in his world comes to visit, his good friend and strong ally, the next possible president of the United States?

  Jackson quickly descended the ladder to distract Cooper from whatever had evidently gripped his interest.

  “Let’s get started on learning how you’re gonna win the war with China!” he shouted in the small room.

  And that was the real reason Cooper was there, or at least that was the reason that Jackson invited him there, to learn how to delay the war that Palin was about to botch up. After blowing trillions on the American occupation of Iraq, America literally could not afford another Republican-managed war. Since Cooper refused to talk about the incoming asteroid, the upcoming war with China was the only thing that could prod Cooper into visiting him.

  Cooper didn’t even look up, or in any way acknowledge that Jackson, a huge man, yelled loudly in a small basement with no windows. The bad feeling in Jackson’s gut grew worse, as he walked up to and kicked the flimsy card table and screamed, “What the fuck are you doing going through my email?”

  Jackson needed to stop Cooper from reading, but he got nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. El crappo. Cooper ignored Jackson like a non-voter.

  Cooper, apparently deaf and mute, but not blind, continued speed reading as he scrolled down. He seemed oblivious to everything but the fascinating document in front of him. Jackson, desperate to assess the damage, moved behind Cooper to see what he was reading.

  Ah hell.

  He had only a moment to organize his thoughts until Cooper finished scrolling. Cooper then twisted in the cheap plastic chair and angrily asked, “what do you need one hundred nuclear spaceships for?”

  When Jackson didn’t answer, he asked it again:

  “Henry, what the fuck do you need one hundred nuclear spaceships for?”

  Jackson sighed. This was going to be a long day.

  14

  Since the best defense is an aggressive offense, Jackson summoned his anger and shouted back, “What the fuck are you doing reading my email?”

  Jackson, a 6’4” tall, barrel-chested workout-a-holic, clenched his huge fists and flexed his muscles under his faded blue jeans and tight t-shirt. That usually worked.

  Cooper wasn’t buying it and Jackson, for the millionth time, wondered why he only intimidated unimportant people. His parents, wife, children – hell, even his grandchildren felt no fear of him. If he yelled at his grandchildren, his daughter would turn it back on him and say, “oh, grandpa just needs a hug.” Everyone in his family knew he was just a big softy. But his inability to instill respect with his strongest political ally was a professional, and not a personal, failure. And that had real consequences beyond six year olds changing his TV channel.

  “Nuclear spaceships, Henry? I know you’re greedy and secretive, but what the hell are you thinking? Is this your plan for beating China?”

  Whoa. Secretive, yes, but greedy? He was very good at making money – that was no secret. But he gave away around ten percent of his annual profit, mostly in the form of his protein bread. So he was surprised because he always thought that politicians like Cooper were the money hungry ones. Cooper had been squeezing money out of him since his campaign for Texas governor, and became quite insistent since deciding to run for president, as if Jackson owed him, and not the other way around.

  Jackson honestly liked and respected Cooper. But, like many successful politicians, he felt that Cooper was terminally ungrateful. The irony is that, as conservative Democrats, one of the things they railed against was the entitlement mentality.

  Jackson honestly believed that Cooper would not have won either of his governorships without his help. Jackson knew he had a larger-than-life personality, and his campaigning for Cooper generated tens of millions in free publicity. What consultants call “earned media.”

  So for Cooper to accuse him of greed was nothing short of chutzpa. Which, as his Jewish pollster informed him, is a Hebrew word about a guy who kills his parents then, when caught, pleads for mercy on the grounds that he is an orphan. Chutzpa.

  Cooper was virtually ignored before Jackson raised his profile. Jackson was a popular Democratic governor of Arizona and appeared more Texan than any of the five Texans in the race. With his outsized personality, bulked up body, and vast fortune, he looked and acted very Texan. And since Cooper was, in effect, running against Bush in Texas, Jackson knew that the only way to win was to go over the top and catch people’s imaginations. Or at least their attentions.

  Except for presidential elections, only hardcore partisans pay attention to campaigns because they care about the issues. Getting everyone else to pay attention requires entertaining them, usually by throwing spectacles or by picking a fight. So Jackson picked a fight with President Bush, who was far less popular than his hand-picked replacement, the guy actually on the ballot. People love fights and the blow-by-blow. They want to see how a fighter responds to pain, insults, and body blows, and they rally behind a fighter who rises from near-defeat to kick ass. The quickest way to see someone’s true character is for someone else to attack it.

  What made the 2006 governors race so fun was that Jackson, more than Cooper, was providing that fight, but he was beating up former governor Bush rather than the current governor. It was a proxy kicking the ass of a proxy. Which allowed the verbal blows to go lower and hit harder before it felt unseemly.

  Reporters didn’t cover Cooper’s campaign until Jackson started sticking it to Bush in the heart of Bush country. The uproar was immediately, vicious, and unprecedented, even by Texan standards. This not only made news, which is free publicity, but made anything Cooper say seem moderate by comparison.

  Campaigning for Cooper in 2006 was a turning point for Jackson because progressive bloggers had become a big influence within the base, and they suddenly noticed him when he started whacking Bush with such gusto. The top progressive blog, www.dailykos.com, saw more traffic than the top several Republican blogs combined, meaning progressive bloggers were far stronger in the Democratic Party than conservative bloggers were in the GOP, who instead reached out to their rank-and-file via political talk radio and cable news.

  Most progressive bloggers saw D.C. Democrats as spineless capitulators, either unwilling or unable to stand up to the Radical Right Reactionaries. Then here comes the first Democratic governor of Arizona in decades, bitch slapping Bush day after day. Bloggers loved it so much that they gave him a keynote speaker slot at the national 2008 progressive bloggers summit, “Netroots Nation”. Running for DNC chair, Jackson knew he would have to knock their socks off. That’s difficult enough on an easy day, but he was going against real progressive heroes like Howard Dean, Al Gore, and the Rude Pundit.

  Jackson knocked the ball out of the stadium. Instead of discussing policy, he brought the roof down by repeating the jacksonisms that he had compiled over the years. Like Stephen Colbert at the 2006 White House Correspondents Dinner, he became an instant hero and the first choice of bloggers to chair the Democratic Party after Howard Dean, who endorsed Jackson after he promised to expand the 50 State Strategy into a 435 District Strategy. In return, DNC Chairman Jackson sent out regular email blasts to everyon
e in the DemZilla database urging them to check out the 100 largest progressive blogs, allied organizations like College Dems, progressive think tanks like the Progressive Policy Institute, and progressive magazines like The Nation and Mother Jones.

  15

  Jackson’s speech at Netroots Nation in Austin, Texas:

  “It takes a strong man to admit he is wrong, and Bush clearly is not that man. W has sold us so many whoppers that Burger King must be paying him a commission. He dances so well around the truth that rappers are jacking his moves. Mr. 20% rides his bike so much apparently to practice back-pedaling.

  “I’ve known guys who were legally blind and legally deaf, but Bush is the first who is legally dumb. Blind and deaf to the suffering of working Americans, Bush is the Helen Keller of presidents. If Bush gets any lamer, he’ll qualify for disability. The Worst President Ever must be anesthetized, because he sure as hell doesn’t feel anyone’s pain. Mr. Delusional doesn’t talk to us like he’s an idiot; he talks to us like we’re the idiot. Twenty years of frying neurons with drink and drugs has made this cliché-spewer talk as if Jerry lost one of his kids. You can tell when he is ad-libbing by the rivers of sweat pouring down his face. He’d be speechless if he stuck to the truth. He needs a script in his hands to keep his feet out of his mouth. Cheney’s Bitch has become the Milli Vanilli of presidents. Question: does Bush inhale when he tries to blow smoke up your ass?

  “Bush follows the Bible until it gets to Jesus. He apparently wants to put the poor through hell before Jesus takes them to Heaven. He believes he is infallible, which is really pissing off the new pope. When Bush talks to God, it’s prayer; when God talks to Bush, it’s policy. The most unpopular president in polling history is responsible for enough disasters to qualify for scripture. Unlike Carter and Clinton, Mr. Self-Righteous isn’t even a regular church-goer. He may not follow the Commandments, but at least he’s good at the plagues. Bush believes that we are all descended from cavemen who rode dinosaurs to church 4000 years ago. It’s no surprise that a guy who cannot spell ‘DNA’ does not accept evolution. Bush does not believe in Darwinism, but he does believe in survival of the richest. He’s against gay marriage, but sodomizing reality is okay. Bush may be dumb, but he wasn’t reborn yesterday.

  “Hindsight is 20/20. Or, if you’re Bush, 20/50. He is so two-faced he speaks of himself in the fourth person. Bush has sold out America so often he has his own EBay page. Unlike Pinocchio, whenever Bush lies, the deficit gets bigger. His lies have made his mouth so big it needs feng shui. America hasn’t stunk this much since millions of buffalo roamed the Great Plains.

  “Karl Rove thought Bush would make a great president. Frankenstein also looked great in the lab. It wasn’t until they were field tested that their defects turned them into monsters. Bush is proof that being ordinary doesn’t make you normal. Bush’s insistence on wearing ideological blinders makes him look like a horse’s ass. For those of you familiar with George Orwell’s book, Animal Farm -- Bush is the jackass. For his entire second term, Bush has been a lame duck – and for those of you in the back, I said ‘duck’ with a ‘D’.

  “Last Thanksgiving, Bush pardoned two turkeys, Rumsfeld and Cheney. Dick, Bush, Rove, Candi, Scooter, and Rummy are either running the country or starring in a porn movie. Bush rewards incompetency like the military rewards heroism. Iraq, Afghanistan, New Orleans -- for a president who likes to kill people, he sure doesn’t execute well. Bush is so divorced from reality it’s possible they never consummated the relationship in the first place. If only the military had Humvees as impenetrable as Bush’s head.

  “Have you seen the latest poll numbers? Most Americans thinks Bush sucks more than Dick. If you think Bush stinks, then you just know Dick sucks. No Republican in history has had negative approval ratings longer than Bush – he’s been underwater longer than the Titanic. Bush spent his entire second term with negative approval ratings. A recent poll showed that 30% of Americans disapprove of Bush violating international law, while 70% disapprove of him violating domestic law. His disapproval rating went from 6%, after he failed to stop the largest attack on continental America in two centuries, to a record 76%, beating Nixon at the peak of Watergate.

  No joke: when he left office, the only Americans who approved of Bush watched Fox News.

  “Cheney’s Bitch is so unpopular his advisers wanted to boost his numbers by putting him in a Paris Hilton sex tape. The most oblivious president in history hasn’t fallen this hard since his last bike ride. He cannot balance the budget or trade deficits -- no wonder he can’t ride a bike. Republicans are jumping off the bandwagon as if they’ve spotted a Bible sale. So many Republicans have abandoned Bush that Angelina Jolie considered adopting him. The press smells so much blood they’re snorting it.

  “The old drunk stopped going to his AA meetings because trying to remember ten steps made him want to drink. Bush, an acknowledged alcoholic, switched from JD to BS when he entered politics, and has been drunk on power ever since. And Bush proved that nobody does denial like a delusional alcoholic ideologue. And he hasn’t veered left since he last got caught drunk driving when in his 30s. He has failed so many moral, ethical, and character litmus tests, it’s a wonder he can still pass gas. Lincoln said power is the ultimate character test, and no one fails such tests more than the Worst President Ever. Bush reminds me of Frankenstein – a poorly built monster with someone else’s brain who destroys everything around him in a mad rampage for total domination. His mind has been parked in denial for so long the Secret Service thinks it’s been lo-jacked. Unlike most of you, I don’t think Bush suffers from insanity -- I think he enjoys every minute of it. Unfortunately, crazy is not all that it’s cracked up to be. Have you noticed how our freeways are more congested since Bush started pushing his ‘my-way-or-the-highway’ politics?

  “Clueless George has spent more time on vacation than any president in history. My momma always told me to never trust a rancher who doesn’t ride horses, doesn’t have cattle, yet insists he runs a ranch. The only thing that Bush raises on his ranch is our impatience. Bush killed almost as much time as president as Muslims. And it is not ‘swagger’ when the vice-president’s hand is that far up your ass.

  “Cheney called the new Miss America a traitor – apparently she wished for world peace. Cheney’s speeches are so wooden that he attracts tree-huggers. His standard stump speech has given off so many death rattles that his speech writers want to embalm it. Cheney stoops so low he looks ready to crawl. Cheney has told so many white lies that his tongue comes with snow chains. Even his smirk is far to the right. Cheney has more charisma than a rock, but less than a tree. His Secret Service code-name is ‘Septic’ because he’s always full of shit. Did he really shoot his friend in the face after drinking too much? It sounds like a gay cowboy movie to me. I’ve seen lots of guys who were shit-faced – just never literally. Bush and Cheney have three DUIs between them -- no wonder they drove the economy into a drunken stupor.

  “Cheney received tens of millions in Halliburton stock options – who says no one won the war in Iraq? Only Republicans would make their biggest national security authority a guy with five draft deferments during Vietnam. When told most Americans oppose the brutal occupation of Iraq, Dick replied, “So?” No wonder most Americans want to smack the smirk off his face.

  “Cheney was so unpopular that Bush almost replaced him when running for re-election. His campaign slogan was going to be, ‘Ain’t Got Dick.’ Since the Republican ticket had a dick and an asshole, they had to contrast themselves by calling the Democratic ticket a couple of pussies. Cheney is a dick and Bush an asshole because they’re both so afraid of looking like pussies.

  “The most intrusive president in history is willing to torture, spy, and wiretap Americans to keep America safe, but he draws the line at reading NSA memos, helping first responders communicate, and keeping American ports out of the control of al-Qaeda’s bankers. It’s now come full circle: Lincoln freed all enslaved Americans while
Bush is enslaving all free Americans, one signing statement at a time. W is not promoting our freedoms overseas, he is outsourcing them.

  “Someone needs to explain to the most lawbreaking president in history that he did not put his hand on the Constitution and swear to uphold the Bible, but put his hand on the Bible and swore to uphold the Constitution.

  “The least accountable president in history is so far above the law that NASA wants him to carry supplies to the Space Station. Bush is a star in the Republican Party because he is a massive ball of gas that heats everything around him to extremes, and who will eventually collapse upon himself before going nuclear. The only Republican interest in space concerns how far to launch the deficit into orbit. The only thing that Republicans have in common with the space station is that they are both in perpetual freefall. Gravity can bend light, warp space, and slow time, while Republicans can bend laws, warp principals, and slow investigations. Bush is denser than a neutron star, dimmer than a brown dwarf, and more destructive than a supernova. Democrats are from Earth, but Republicans are from Uranus, which is why their policies are so shitty.

  “Bush’s lies have become so massive that they are warping space. Dubya is so dense he bends light. Scientists are now measuring the distance between Bush and reality in terms of light years. Not even astronomers can figure out just what planet this idiot is living on. He thinks black hole is a golf term, superstrings are for fishing, and parallax is a cleanser. Bush says that global warming is not yet scientifically established, which is exactly what the Republicans on Venus once said. Do you know why Bush likes Mars? There are no trees, no clean water, and the air is poisonous -- it’s like Earth after thirty more years of Republican rule. But, hey, if you’re just killing time and Muslims waiting for the Rapture, why not make our national forests horizontal?

  “Bush fought a war on poverty – and the poor lost. Unlike Bill Clinton, Bush is the Unempathizer: he can’t feel you, much less your pain. His borrow-and-squander economic plan has so many minuses that economists started using the division sign. Bush, the biggest spending president in American history, proved that “you get what you pay for” doesn’t apply to Republicans.