Regolith

by Brent Reilly

  Bush entered office with a $5.6 trillion projected surplus and left office with a $8.8 trillion projected deficit. W added more debt than every previous president combined. While President Clinton took the biggest deficit in American history and turned it into the biggest surplus, Bush took the biggest surplus and turned it into the biggest deficit. While the S&P 500 tripled under President Clinton, it actually lost money under Bush. The Dow fell from nearly 11,000 in 2000 to 6500 right after Bush left office. While President Clinton reduced the national debt for eight straight years, Bush added to it for eight straight years. Bush is the only president in history to watch two recessions start under his watch.

  “The economy is deteriorating so fast that voters are feeling worse off than they were four hours ago. The dollar lost half of its value to the Euro under Bush. If the dollar gets any weaker, we’ll have to peg it to the peso. Bush thinks we should strengthen the dollar by making it two-ply. W has made the Misery Index depressing. No wonder Bush says the problem with the French is that they don’t have a word for entrepreneur.

  “Republicans have turned general prosperity under President Clinton into major pain, private suffering, and corporal punishment under Bush. Bush has added $20 trillion in unfunded liabilities to the federal balance sheet and his deficits cost taxpayers $400 billion a year just in interest alone. For a guy who says he quit drinking, Bush sure knows how to run up a tab.

  “The most delusional president in history may not have a complete monopoly on presidential incompetence, but he sure has cornered a lot of market share. There is so much oil in Texas that any competent oilman could find some. Bush was not that oilman. Apparently the three companies that Bush bankrupted were just practice for the big finale. It’s ironic that an oilman like Bush would generate so little electricity despite being so full of gas. Bush increased America’s dependence on oil while Democrats tried to end it. Bush proves that you don’t have to be stupid to be an idiot. And why is Bush so weak? Because knowledge is power. For a guy lousy at math, Bush sure is good at compounding problems, dividing Americans, and multiplying debt.

  “The most destructive president in history makes slow decisions because he first waits for the check to clear. He gutted the Clean Air Act so much we might as well call it the Republican Retirement Fund. Republicans have so many convictions because Bush hired more felons than any president in history. Just ask the nine federal prosecutors that Bush fired for not harassing Democrats. Mr. Uniter gets too little credit because he takes too much cash. Bush oozes integrity, which is why he has none left. Cheney eventually plugged the leak with his fist. Bush passes more bucks than an ATM machine. Thanks to Bush, the words ‘Republican’ and ‘competent’ are used less often in the same sentence than ‘sex’ and ‘gerbil’. Bush spent one-fifth of his presidency on his 1600-acre ranch because he needed that much time and space to bury all of his lies and bullshit. The Rose Garden proved waaaaay too small.

  “Bush governs like Big Oil pays him by the pollutant. He is the best president that the worst polluters can buy. The Bush White House is so polluted that we will need a SuperFund to clean it up. If you think your sex is dirty, try sleeping with Big Oil. Bush Sr. got $50 million for his presidential library as soon as Bush Jr. let Big Oil secretly write our national energy policy. Bush has pocketed so much oil money that his pants leak. He dines on so much pork, he’s turned into the Chitlin-in-Chief. Bush is so crooked that he makes Nixon look straight. Bush is not Reagan’s political heir, but Nixon’s, and you remember what we had to do to get rid of that dirty bastard. Bush is in bed with so many rich white guys that the First Lady must be scrutinizing their Pre-Nup. Bush’s knee-jerk reaction when a Big Polluter enters the Oval Office is to hold out his hand and pull down his pants. A president should bend backwards for his supporters, not bend forwards. If you judged Bush on his record, you’d swear he ruled Saudi Arabia. Bush would sell his soul if only he had one. Giving dirty donations to Republicans is like giving Viagra to sex offenders.

  “Incompetence kills. That’s why dangerously incompetent Republicans are better at creating disasters than relieving them. That’s why Democrats never wanted to go into Iraq and Republicans never want to get out. Competent Republicans are disappearing faster than glaciers. Take Hurricane Katrina, the most predicted natural disaster in history: the Oval Office hasn’t had such a leadership vacuum since Hoover. Republican President Hoover was so despised for not doing more during the Great Depression that when he asked his Treasury Secretary for a nickel to call a friend, he was given a dime and told to call them both.

  “Nero fiddled while Rome burned, and Bush played air guitar while New Orleans flooded. Celebrating John McCain’s birthday was more important than saving drowning blacks in New Orleans. At least when Clinton got caught with his pants down, there were not thousands of trapped Americans dying on CNN. Bush hasn’t been this responsible for so many black deaths since the last time he ignored genocide in Africa. Bush does not have a sixth sense, which must be why he can’t see dead people.

  “The federal response to Hurricane Katrina was so slow that FEMA won American Idle. Bush’s political hacks at FEMA had such padded resumes that first responders used them to fill sandbags. Bush is rolling and rocking. He flies like a bee and stings like a butterfly. He is kicking names and taking ass.

  “Supporters say that Bush is not to blame for the slow federal response to Hurricane Katrina. He was, after all, on vacation for several weeks. Who would have guessed that Bush’s Waterloo would turn out to be water in a loo? Bush will cut vacations short in order to keep a brain-dead woman alive against her wishes, but he draws the line at thousands of Americans starving in a stadium.

  “Hurricane Katrina got rid of so many Democratic voters that Republicans have started calling her Kathleen Harris. New Orleans had such little electricity, drinking water, and so many dead bodies that the National Guard started shooting reporters, thinking they were still in Baghdad. Do you remember rats eating the corpses of dead blacks as they floated in the flooded streets of New Orleans? Well, it turns out that those little fuckers were Republicans, feeding off of the poor. Forget FUBAR – Iraq has been FEMA’ed.

  “Mother Nature stuck her boot so far up Bush’s ass that she kicked Dick Cheney’s hand. Republicans have come up with a bold visionary plan to re-imagine New Orleans. They call their plan, ‘Venice.’ But don’t blame Republicans for being anti-government – if I was that incompetent governing, I’d be anti-government, too.

  “The old Orleans was the old Bush: wild, reckless, foolish, and drunk. The new Orleans is the new Bush: swamped, oil-based, eerily detached, polluted, a shell of his former self, and practically dead inside. If it weren’t for George Bush voodoo dolls, New Orleans wouldn’t have any economic activity.

  “Bush is slicker than an oil spill and twice as hard to clean up. When his mama told him that honesty was the best policy, he asked what the worst policy was. He has enough egg on his face to make an omelet. He is a serial failure. He loses more often than a Vegas tourist. Even St. Jude, the patron saint of lost causes, looks at Bush and thinks, what the fuck?

  “America and Iraq fought a war and Iran won. Have you seen Iraq lately? Bush hasn’t choked this much since his last pretzel. Bush will sodomize Iraq until it becomes pregnant with democracy. Osama says he attacked on 9/11 to bankrupt America and kick the American military out of Saudi Arabia, so Bush closed our Saudi military bases while bankrupting America with trillions to the elite superrich, trillions for the occupation of Iraq, and trillions more to reckless Wall Street bankers. The only thing Bush gave the rest of us were excuses.

  Bush started history’s most expensive war by arguing that it would pay for itself. Like that trillion dollar tax cut for the mega-rich. But that’s what happens when you shoot first and aim later. The worst commander-in-chief in history still hasn’t realized that if the invasion of Iraq has not made America safer, then our heroes there died in vain. And since his own state department reports that terro
rist attacks outside of Iraq have multiplied since the invasion, it’s hard to see how America has become safer. Bush has spilled enough blood to flood New Orleans.

  “Bush’s Plunder’n’Blunder foreign policy is so retarded it needs a special bus. I’ve seen guys who sucked before, and I’ve seen guys who really blow, but I’ve never seen a guy who can suck and blow at the same time. Foreigners haven’t hated America this much since we gave the world disco. He attacked the only country of the Axis of Evil without nukes. Iraq was so dangerous we conquered it in three weeks. Bush couldn’t conquer New Orleans in three weeks. They are either as dumb as they seem, or Bush, Cheney, and Rumsfeld constitute an Axis of Drivel. Some wars are unpopular; the rest are victorious.

  “The GOP is so unpopular that they are thinking of changing their name to the Dixie Chicks. So many Republicans are living in a state of denial that they’re gonna quality for their own senator. Our soldiers in Iraq are taking more hits than Rush Limbaugh after his maid scores big. Why have American casualties increased every year of Bush’s presidency? Because Bush never plans farther than his next vacation.

  “Bush can’t find any shame or decency, much less Osama bin Forgotten. Bush says he isn’t worried about Osama bin Laden – just like FDR didn’t worry about Hitler, Stalin, Mao, Mussolini, or the emperor of Japan. If I failed to catch the guy who murdered 2749 Americans, I’d make up crap, too. Bush let the only foreigner to attack continental America in two centuries get away – but not before helping Osama’s family escape the next day. The only ones not shocked that Bush isn’t doing more to capture Osama is the bin Laden family, who have invested in W’s companies since 1986. Talk about a Family Plan – Osama, a diabetic with an economics degree, has over fifty siblings, yet Bush still cannot reach out and touch him.

  “If Saddam had any WMD, he would have used them when we invaded. If Bush had any brains, he would have used them when we invaded. It’s hard for Bush to win hearts and minds since he has neither. A rock exudes greater self-reflection. Bush bragged to the Australian president that he was kicking ass in Iraq. Bush kick ass? Bush couldn’t beat the crap out of a dirty diaper. Bush seems to believe that Iraq will be free for only as long as he occupies it, and democratic for only as long as he tells them what to do. Those dead-enders are so far in their last throes that Bush can only briefly visit unannounced at night, while the Wipe-Israel-Off-The-Map Iranian leader can drive around in an open jeep before thousands of cheering Iraqis.

  “The irony? Bush majored in history while the president of Iran has a doctorate in traffic management.

  “We’ll stand down as they stand up? Republicans are one cliché away from their own sitcom. The only certainty in Iraq is that Bush will leave the mess for his successor to fix. Like Clinton, Bush won’t stop until he has shot his wad. Bush must love anal given how often he fucks up other people’s shit.

  “In Iraq, you are a coward if you leave and a fool if you stay. Watching Bush and Cheney wage war is like watching a tragic sequel to ‘Dumb and Dumber.’ A dumb president negates smart bombs. Never before Iraq have so few spent so much so fast for so long for so little. It turns out that the opposite of progress isn’t Congress, it’s this administration. After spending so many years repeating what doesn’t work, W figures it’s never too late to start procrastinating. Americans are bleeding in Iraq like the Treasury. The bottom line doesn’t get much lower. Bush wants to spread freedom and democracy so badly that he does not care how many ragheads he must kill to do it. Bush believes it’s not a sin to kill Muslims since they are going to Hell anyway.

  And, with Bush’s help, soon.

  “Bush has become so politically radioactive that the UN is sending WMD inspectors. If Bush wanted to sexually humiliate 26 million people who detested him, he could have saved money by invading New England. Waging war to establish peace is like raping women to instill virginity. Bush apparently is not trying to turn Iraq into America; he is trying to turn America into Iraq. Bush says he doesn’t believe in nation-building – and it shows. There are a thousand ways to tell the world to fuck off, and Bush is racing to say them all. Bush’s heart may be in the right place; it’s too bad his head is so far up his ass.

  “What do Republicans call Muslim suicide bombers who kill other Muslims? A two-fer. Some people borrow trouble; Republicans lend it with interest. At $12 billion a month, Republicans can’t even kill Muslims cost-effectively. In Iraq, those who make their constitution subservient to their religion are called Muslims. In America they’re called Republicans.

  “Bush’s date with destiny stood him up. Free elections in liberated Iraq took place only with the help of 200,000 heavily armed foreigners -- just the way our Founding Fathers intended. Millions of Shiites are happy that Bush got rid of Saddam Hussein. They live, however, in Iran. The Shiites writing the Iraqi Constitution have finally come up with a new name for Iraq. They’re gonna call it ‘western Iran’.

  “Bush has so much oil in his veins that he doesn’t mind all of the blood on his hands. He mistakes prejudices with convictions. When you pull foreign policy out of your ass, naturally it’s gonna be shitty. Peace in Iraq is taking longer than a Bush vacation.

  “American troops in Iraq are cleaning sewers, guarding pipelines, and directing traffic – all the things covered in boot camp. It’s nice to see the world’s most expensive military execute its core competencies. No wonder we’re paying half a trillion a year for our military. Bush believes America wins regardless of which Iranian-backed religious fundamentalist controls the government. In Iraq, Halliburton got a $32 billion gold mine while taxpayers got the shaft. Bush thinks adding 20,000 more troops four years too late resulted in clear progress, as opposed to, say, paying billions to the Sunni insurgents to stop killing us. I usually don’t attribute to malice what can be explained by incompetence, but it explains Bush so well. The only goal that Bush met in Iraq was regime change. After Bush invaded, Democrats swept Republicans from government.

  “Bush is so determined to create peace in the Middle East that he seems willing to kill everyone there to achieve it. Bush believes that anyone who isn’t a reborn Christians is going to Hell, so why not speed up their trip and trigger the Rapture at the same time? Bush’s perversion of Christianity makes him as indifferent to killing Muslims as Hitler was to killing Jews. Bush may not be the anti-Christ, but Christ would be anti-Bush.

  “There is an old saying that boat owners enjoy just two happy days -- the day they buy their boat, and the day they sell it. That is what the war in Iraq will be like.

  “This administration has more flaws than Microsoft Windows. The Bush White House is like a bad horror movie – every stupid action, no matter how predictable the consequences, is painstakingly acted out, with frequent screaming and lots of bloodshed. If you thought the original was bad, then you know the sequel sucks. The White House is getting so little done that people are starting to confuse it with Congress. The Bush White House has enough moral cripples to hold their own Special Olympics. Who knew the Keystone Cops were all Republican? America deserves an apology from this sorry administration.

  “With great power comes great responsibility – unless you’re Republican. Were you aware that your values aren’t good enough? That’s why the GOP wants to replace yours with theirs. Thank God small-town Republicans are not as morally depraved as big-city Democrats. The Democratic Party may be full of mice, but the Republican Party is run by dirty rats. How can Republicans honestly be against government? Politicians being anti-government is like teachers hating education, doctors slandering medicine, and cops hostile to laws.

  “The voter always wins – unless Republicans get their way. Republicans can only stay in power if they make reasonable ideas sound radical and make radical ideas sound reasonable. Why have Republican presidential candidates averaged less than 10% of the black vote over the last 50 years? Because the only time Republicans talk to black voters is when they challenge them at the polls. Republicans call their party ‘GOP’ be
cause ‘KKK’ was already taken. No wonder only 11% of Republicans are non-white, compared to 27% of independents and 36% of Democrats.

  “American justice should be blind, but Republicans prefer her deaf and mute. Republicans love deficits like Bill Clinton loves sex. Republicans believe all life is precious, unless it’s foreign, non-Christian, or brown-skinned. Republicans backed off privatizing Social Security so fast that they were practically moon-walking. The Republican future is so bleak that their only support is coming from Gothic fans. If Republicans keep churning out the same lame slogans, they won’t be spinning, they’ll be spamming. Why are Republicans in such pain? Because the truth hurts.

  “Not all Republican leaders are dangerous, ideological extremists. Some are secretly gay. If it weren’t for gay prostitutes and teenage male congressional pages, Republicans wouldn’t have any satisfying sex. Republicans have apparently traded the Big Tent for the Big Closet. Republicans believe that sex is only bad if you enjoy it. Republicans believe that politics is only dirty if you do it right. Republicans are against sex unless it screws minorities. The GOP is full of dicks, and I’m not talking about Nixon and Cheney. They believe that gay marriage is bad, but an orgy of special interest is okay. Republicans are owned by so many lobbyists that everyone in D.C. looks like they’re about to get laid, while everyone else looks like they’re about to get screwed.

  “Most Republican leaders are not monsters. Most Republican leaders are cruel, corrupt, secretive, unaccountable, lying, greedy, selfish, power-hungry, self-righteous sanctimonious hypocrites. The rest of them are monsters. There is a rift within the party of Lincoln between those who want to screw all of the people some of the time, and those who want to screw some of the people all of the time. With plummeting approval numbers, Republicans act like their reality check is about to bounce.