Matthias

by Katie Dowe

  “We can if you want to, Matthias,” she said quietly.

  “Do you want to?”

  She stared at him for a moment and wished she could say yes, but she did not want to lie to him and even if she did, he would know.

  “We do this when you are ready.” He took her hand. “Let’s go and check on the children.”

  *****

  Their daughter had to be rushed back to the hospital when she was two months old with pneumonia. They were woken up by the nurse by phone in the middle of the night. And just when they had gotten to the point of thinking that their problems had somehow been alleviated. The nurse gave them daily reports and their daughter seemed to be improving. She was even feeding which was something to rejoice about. Their sons were thriving every day and were even sleeping through the nights. But that night, it was brought home to them that she was not out of danger yet and probably would never be!

  “Nurse Jacobs’ quick action saved your daughter’s life,” Dr. Fritz, looking rumpled and sleep deprived, told them as he finished doing the examination and administering the medications. She was asleep now and the doctors told them that she would be okay in a couple of days. “We are going to keep her here for maybe a week to make sure that she is fully recovered.”

  “I am staying with her,” Caitlin told him.

  “So am I,” her husband said.

  “No, Matthias. Our sons need one of us to be there for them.”

  “They have the nannies. She is my daughter too,” he said grimly. “I am staying.”

  Caitlin did not have it in her to argue with him and she knew that if she tried, she would not have budged anyway. She was sick to her stomach when she thought of what her daughter had to go through! She found herself showing favoritism to the little girl because of her health issues. The boys were okay and thriving, but the only girl could not seem to catch a break! She pulled up a chair and sat at the little girl’s cot. She was sleeping and Dr. Fritz told them that she was breathing easier now. Nurse Jacobs had come in with them and said she would be staying as well.

  “You don’t have to,” Caitlin had said to her.

  “She is my charge, my dear, and it is my pleasure to stay with her,” the woman had told her.

  Caitlin looked up as her husband got up from his chair and made to leave the room. It was already after two A.M., but she did not feel like sleeping. “Where are you going?” she whispered.

  “To get some coffee. I will be back in a little bit. You should probably get some sleep, Dr. Fritz said she would be out for the rest of the night.”

  “I don’t want to sleep.”

  “You should try and get some rest.”

  “I cannot rest until I know that she is going to be okay. I cannot rest until this stops, don’t you get it?” She took a deep breath to expel her anger.

  He stared at her for a moment and then without another word he left the room, quietly closing the door behind him.

  Caitlin slumped forward and put her head inside her hands, feeling the tears spilling through her fingers. They should not be fighting now at this point, but she could not help but feel angry and helpless and she could not stop herself from taking it out on the closest person to her!

  *****

  Matthias sat at one of the tables and trailed his finger down the Styrofoam cup absently. Currently, the hospital was still buzzing with activities. People coming in with all kinds of complaints. He had seen a gunshot victim rushed in on a gurney bleeding from a chest wound, a little boy held in his mother’s arms with a pale look to his face. He was so deep in thought that he had not heard the footsteps approaching until his best friend spoke next to him. “You look like a man with a lot on his mind.”

  Matthias looked up and a smile made the lines of worry disappeared for the moment. “What are you doing here? Don’t you have a wife and children to be home with?”

  “When my friend is hurting, I am there, no matter what.” He clasped Matthias’ shoulder before he took a seat opposite him. “I checked in on Caitlin and my goddaughter just before I came to find you.” Kane’s eyes searched his friend’s face. “I also spoke to the doc and he assured me that she is going to be okay. Have some faith, man.”

  “I have lots of faith,” Matthias said grimly, pushing away the bad cup of coffee. “Every time we think that we are over one hurdle, there is another we have to face. The boys are thriving and growing each day, but my daughter is constantly fighting.”

  “Because she was the smallest,” Kane reminded him softly. He had been on his way home from a trip, where he had spent three days in Italy where he and his wife had opened a restaurant there. Kelly had gone home, but he had decided to come and to see his friend.

  “Do you think I was wrong?”

  “To want what you wanted?”

  Matthias nodded.

  “Does it make any sense to dwell on that now? You are torturing yourself and placing blame where it should not be. You should be in that room with your wife and daughter and giving them your support. Instead, you are here sitting and brooding, Matt. You have a family and that is a blessing. Run with that and be thankful.”

  Matthias sighed and nodded.

  “When this is over and little Cathy goes home and is well enough, take Caitlin out to dinner at the restaurant. We will make it a foursome and enjoy the night without talking about our kids.”

  “Deal,” Matthias said with a smile. “Thanks, man.”

  “What are friends for.” Kane reached for the coffee and took a sip, grimacing as he put the cup back down. “No wonder you are so damned sad! This is awful coffee.”

  “Remind me to donate some better blends to the staff here.”

  “I am on board as well.”

  Chapter 14

  “I can assure you that she is fine, Caitlin,” Nurse Jacobs told her patiently as Caitlin fussed over the baby. They had been back from the hospital that afternoon and the doctors had told them that the pneumonia has been cleared up and not only that, but that Catherine was doing very well. Matthias had taken them home and had gone to a meeting. It had been several months since she had had anything to do with the publishing house, but Matthias along with Steve had been doing all the work and making all the decisions there. Caitlin had told her husband that she could not think about work while her daughter’s life was so uncertain.

  “I think I will sleep in here tonight to make sure,” Caitlin told her as she watched her daughter sleep. It was approaching nine P.M. and Matthias had called to say that he was running late.

  “And where do I sleep?”

  Caitlin glanced up at the woman and saw the resentment on her face. “I am sorry, Carol, I do not mean to upset you, but I have to make sure that she is okay. You have to understand that she has been through so much and I am scared for her.”

  “And my telling you that she is okay does not make a difference?”

  “I trust your opinion and your expertise, but I really would like to spend some time with her.”

  “Then we will both stay in here.” Nurse Jacobs settled herself into one of the comfortable sofas.

  “I am depriving you of your bed.”

  “Don’t worry about that, I am quite comfortable here.” She patted the cushions at her head and settled back to close her eyes. “Your husband will not mind you staying in here?”

  “My husband understands.” Caitlin said the words, but she was not quite certain. Things had been strained between them ever since Catherine had been in the hospital and they were barely speaking to each other, but she could not worry about that now!

  *****

  Matthias sat outside in the driveway, his hands still resting on the steering wheel, his expression pensive as he stared over the grounds. He had provided a magnificent home for them, but it did not feel like home to him. They were enough members of staff to take care of their needs, but somehow, they did not get to spend time with each other. Caitlin spent all her time with their daughter and even when she was not with her
, she was worrying about her. He wondered if he had made a huge mistake! He understood her concerns because he was concerned as well, but their love life had slowly disintegrated, and he had stayed out deliberately because he had not wanted to come home. He had even contemplated going to the apartment to be by himself, but his daughter had just come from the hospital and he had to be here for her.

  He took his hands off the wheel and leaned back in the soft leather seat. He was going to have to talk to her. At first, he had wanted the four children more than anything else, but now he realized that he wanted her even more and he wondered at that. He loved his children, but he felt as if he had lost his wife when he got them. He missed being close to her, missed the intimacy so much that it was driving him crazy! With an impatient sigh, he got out of the car and felt the lazy humidity of the September night envelop him as he headed for the house. It would soon be his birthday and he wondered if Caitlin remembered. He shrugged as he stood in the foyer for a moment before heading first to his sons’ rooms to check on them, smiling as he watched them sleeping before heading towards his daughter’s nursery. He went straight to her cot and did not see his wife curled up on the bed he had provided for the nurse at first. He stood there looking at her, the flawless complexion, the long lashes, and the head of curly hair. She had grown several inches since she had been born and put on some weight; she was not as tiny as she was before and that gave him some comfort! He touched her cheek gently before turning to leave the room and that was when he saw her. He frowned and looked around the room, taking in Nurse Jacobs sleeping on one of the sofas. His mouth tightened and he thought about leaving her there but knew that they were going to have it out tonight! He strode over to the cot and lifted her into his arms. She came awake immediately, looking up at him in confusion. “What are you doing?” she whispered.

  “We will discuss this in our bedroom,” he told her grimly as he made his way out of the room and closed the door behind them. He did not say anything to her until they were inside the bedroom where he dumped her onto the bed unceremoniously.

  “I just wanted to make sure she was okay.”

  “And we have Nurse Jacobs for that.” Matthias unbuttoned his shirt and dragged it out of his pants, his movements jerky, his intense dark eyes pinning her to the bed. “You deprived her of her bed, Caitlin, and are fast becoming an obsessive mother.”

  “Don’t you dare call me that!” she blazed, her dark brown eyes flashing. “Our daughter has been sick and just got home from the hospital. I have a right to want to be with her.”

  “If anything is wrong, Nurse Jacobs is more capable of taking care of her.” He sat on the sofa and took off his shoes and socks and then stood up to get rid of his pants as well. “I hired staff to take care of our children as I had promised you before, but you are not letting them do their jobs.”

  “I am the one who carried those children inside me for months, Matthias! I am the one who loved them first, so you don’t get to tell me how to deal with them!”

  He stood there in his underwear, his eyes wandering over her and his heart twisting inside his chest as he looked at her. She was so beautiful, and he felt his body responding to her immediately. He wanted her so much that it was becoming a constant ache inside him! “I did not carry them, so I do not understand and love them the way you do, is that it?”

  “I did not say that-”

  “We have made love in months, Caitlin.” He passed his hands over his hair wearily, the muscles in his arm bunching. “We live in the same house and sleep in the bed, but we are not husband and wife in the true sense of the word.”

  “You are thinking about sex at a time like this?” she asked him incredulously.

  “I am thinking about intimacy at a time like this, Caitlin.” He shook his head as he looked at her. “I want you and I am not going to be ashamed that I have needs for my wife at a time like this. We have the children to think about and we will always have them to think about, but we also have ourselves to think about, you and me. We are not just parents, Caitlin, we are lovers, or we used to be and just because we are going through this thing with our daughter, it should not mean that we should distance ourselves from each other. I want you, dammit, and I am not going to apologize for wanting you.”

  She stared at him for a moment and felt the twinge of guilt, but she could not afford to focus on that right now. She had to make sure that Catherine was going to be okay. “I am sorry, but I cannot do this now.”

  He looked at her for a long time and nodded before making his way into the bathroom. Caitlin sat there and waited for him to come out. She wanted to explain to him what she was feeling and how different she was since the children had been born. She loved him and was still attracted to him, but it was different now and she had no idea why! She opened her mouth to say something to him, but he spoke first as he selected a pair of pajamas from one of the drawers.

  “I will be sleeping in one of the other suites tonight,” he told her calmly as he pulled the bottom over his naked body. “I will be going away for a couple of days because I have some things to deal with in New York. I have also called a meeting with the staff at the publishing house where I will be passing on some responsibilities to Steve while I am gone.”

  “Our daughter just came out of the hospital!” Caitlin protested.

  “And you care about her for both of us,” he said sardonically. “I am sure you will make sure to see every breath she takes.”

  “That’s not fair.”

  He shrugged at that. “Goodnight, Caitlin. I am sure you cannot wait to get back into our daughter’s room so go ahead.” With that, he was gone.

  Caitlin slumped back against the pillows, her mind in a turmoil! How could she think about sex at this point in their lives? Was she wrong to deny him the satisfaction of them being together? She had a lot on her mind, and she could not just stop thinking about their daughter and indulge in making love while something might be happening with her. She had also not taken any calls from her staff since the birth of the children, allowing her husband to deal with everything. She had told herself that as soon as Catherine was out of the woods then things would get back to normal, whenever that was. The little girl had to be her priority! Even if it means losing your husband in the process? the voice whispered to her. “No!” she exclaimed softly. “Matthias loves us, we are just going through a tough time right now, but he would never leave. He wanted this more than anything!” But at what cost? the voice taunted her. Caitlin shoved her hands through her disheveled hair and held on tight. She had been so caught up in her daughter’s health that she had not been to a stylist in months and had not taken advantage of the excellent gym her husband had had installed in their home. He had invited her to work out with him, but she had always found some excuse or the other. He had also asked her out to dinner, and she had told him that they had an excellent chef so why bother? He had been going to functions by himself and had stopped asking her to accompany him. She was losing her husband and she had no idea what to do to fix it!

  *****

  “Please, don’t say it,” Caitlin told her friend, one hand going to her hair in a self-conscious manner. She was beginning to regret asking the stunningly beautiful woman to meet her for lunch. Kelly Takahashi was wearing a red dress that was draped over her slender curves like a loving hand and her hair which she had decided to grow over the last few months was a wave of blonde curls that reached her nape. Long dangling earrings were at her lobes and her make-up was perfect. “I look a mess.”

  Kelly nodded to the man who hurried over to them before focusing her attention on the woman seated across from her. She had been on her way to a luncheon with some of the other wives to discuss the annual charity dinner for the end of September when Caitlin had called. Kane had told her a little of what was going on and she had made the decision to come and pay the woman a visit as soon as she was free. “You do look a mess and, darling, there is no excuse for looking like that,” Kelly told her bluntl
y.

  Caitlin looked at her startled and then burst out laughing, feeling light for the first time in months. Her husband was gone when she woke up and she had stood there in the room he had slept in last night for a long time before leaving it. She had also called Steve and told him that she would be coming in sometime next week.

  “It’s good to finally hear from you, Caitlin. How are you?” He had sounded so formal and Caitlin could not blame him.

  “I have a lot of apologizing to do.”

  He had not commented on that and she had gone on to another subject.

  “Thank you for your honesty,” Caitlin told Kelly soberly.

  “You are welcome, darling.” She paused and waited until their meals had been served before continuing. “I cannot imagine what you and Matthias are going through, especially with Cathy, and I will not insult you by telling you that I understand. I have two children and I think about strangling them each day and they are still young, but more than that they are healthy. You fear for them, especially Cathy, but you are also a wife and you are going to have to learn to balance that before you lose that man of yours.”

  “Has he said something to you or Kane?” Caitlin asked her sharply as she looked up from her salad.

  “Maybe he has said something to my husband, as you know they are best friends.” Kelly waved to a man who she recognized. “But Kane is very loyal and would not betray Matt’s confidence, even to me. But from what he did say, I can deduce on my own that the man is hurting. He is their father, Caitlin, and you must let him in. Fix yourself up and let him take you out to dinner. His birthday is on Friday-”

  “Oh my God!” The fork she had been using clattered to the table as she stared at Kelly in horror.

  “You had forgotten his birthday.”

  “And he will be out of town until Sunday.” She closed her eyes in despair. “What should I do?”

  “Where will he be?”

  “I think he said New York, but I am sure he was going somewhere else.” Caitlin put her hands at the sides of her face. “What have I become, Kelly?”