The Love Lottery

by Raj Dhaliwal

  Strangely enough, the smile re-emerges when my card is extracted from my wallet and placed slowly but gently on to the leather wallet or fake silver tray that has the bill laid upon it.

  The phone is strewn back into the Mary Poppins size bag immediately and thus a new conversation may begin.

  There are some ladies who will just be blatant and tell me that they are old-fashioned and expect the guy to pay. End of. At least you know where you stand with them.

  I do feel like saying “Despite being Indian, I’ve never been to Nando’s! Let’s go there for our next date!” just to get a reaction over a cheaper date. Surely my company is more important than the menu choice?

  Yeah right, as if she will jump around in her chair and have her eyes light up brightly and say “No, even better, let’s do KFC! It’s finger licking good and I am a fan of Colonel Sanders!”

  Now for another contentious point on which there is no doubt that many will disagree. Based on my personal experiences, it has been predominantly the Indian ladies who will just expect and accept the guy paying for everything all the time, every time. The non-Indian ladies tend to be those who will either buy the next round of drinks or go Dutch on the meal.

  Regardless of what nationality or ethnic origin or woman I am dating, it’s hard to judge on these things. The last thing I wanted to do is come across as a tight-arsed accountant. Being frugal can be a huge put off. My only advice to myself is to know my date.

  If I knew them, then I wouldn’t still be single!

  Speed Dating Time!

  If online dating isn’t for you there are always obvious alternatives like heading to places with like-minded people, hanging out with friends, and talking to everyone you meet.

  Nowadays, I’m an advocate of talking crap to whoever’s sitting next to me at a bar. There is always uncertainty with regards to whom you will encounter on that occasion but you never know when you’ll make a new friend through networking for a partner.

  I have even utilised my skill of being able to do accents to a great extent so as to pretend I am a stranger in town and require advice on the best places to visit and as a result get asked to tag along. Result!

  However, I don’t recommend this as it can get awkward when you bump in to the same group of ladies the following week whilst chatting to a new encounter, and you are no longer a Glaswegian tambourine repair man but a South African Car salesman on this occasion! Honesty is the best policy of course.

  We don’t all have time to frequent a wine bar or club every night, but the quest to find a new hobby ensues so as to find like-minded individuals.

  The nice thing about meeting people in real life is that you’re typically friends first, so you’ve already got plenty to talk about.

  Let’s say for arguments sake, we lived in a dystopian world and there is a worldwide mandatory law or requirement for all members of society to undertake a personality test and be attributed a coloured badge that had to be worn at all times. For example, Yellow badge indicates fun, lively and spirited. Grey indicated boring, reserved and introverted, a bit like Virgo females. Just kidding.

  Let’s also say that we had to be ‘single’ if we were to frequent a ‘singles’ bar’, ‘singles event’ or just plainly wanted to flirt. Thus far, everything is black and white. Now, we often hear people talking about how much personality is key and looks are not. Load of bullshit. We all know it but somehow hold on to the glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, the person whom we are interested in forgot what we looked like and only remembered the personality.

  Naturally there has to be an attraction but unless the person expressing an interest interacts on a daily basis with their person of choice, in a bar or outside of work as strangers, nothing is going to happen.

  At these types of events there is normally an occasion to mingle either beforehand or afterwards and quite often, one is presented an opportunity to ‘check out the goods’ and also ‘check out the competition’. It becomes a normal night out in a bar or club after the event has taken place and it’s the only chance to ‘sell yourself’ as the participants will have no choice but to talk to you albeit for three minutes or so.

  Speed Dating Indian vs Western

  My close friend David, with whom I had formulated the quote on trying to figure out women, met his Indian wife at a non-Indian speed dating event. I even recall having to almost beg him to come along earlier on that evening as he was getting bored of it all. Luckily for him he did.

  Certain dating websites have speed date events and/or padlock parties. For those of you who have a free weeknight or two and fancy doing something different, this is a must.

  You can have as much fun as you want if you approach with an open mind and no inhibitions.

  Whoever said be yourself had no idea what they were talking about – lie lie lie and be whomever you want to be! Chances are, you will not see these people again! Ever!

  I personally have noticed such a huge difference when attending the Indian ones compared to the non-Indian events.

  I have turned up to an Indian speed dating event and instantly greeted the organiser with a “Hello! I am here for a wife, in Punjabi we call it a wehffe!” It can go either of two ways. The organiser can laugh with me or give me the weirdest look and the participants who have arrived earlier then look at me and think ‘avoid’! Fun times ahead!

  I can turn up to a non-Indian event and greet the organiser with a put on broad Brummie or Midlands accent that the likes of Ozzy Osbourne, UB40, Duran Duran and Nigel Mansell could be proud of and ask “Can yaum guarantee I’ll pull a bird on this fing tonight mate?”

  The thing is, although participants are advised to take the speed date seriously, many don’t. For me, I have found a light hearted/softer approach tends to work best. Don’t expect to find your future spouse at one of these!

  On the Indian events, if the same group of single people that constantly attend these events have not arrived then it can be fun to watch. I have found the build up to the event mesmerising to watch. I enjoy people watching to a point, i.e. whilst waiting for a friends in a bar or restaurant. The speed dating experience is in the same boat.

  The Indian girls arrive in twos or threes and thus hang in those clumps generally. The ones who arrived by themselves tend to seek out other members of the sisterhood of Singleville who have also arrived solo. They then tend to bond and eye up the males who have arrived thus far. Pretty normal stuff.

  The Indian guys on the other hand have flown in solo. They give each other male in the venue a nod of brotherly solidarity but won’t really strike up the Bromance as technically the other man is the competition. The ones who are confident will try and mingle beforehand with the fairer sex and ascertain whom is worth the three-minute time limit and one liners and who is not.

  The male pharmacists are a tad petrified. I have noticed they will sit there and interact with no one. They will slowly try and dissect and push around the ice in their orange juice or coke rather than interact with anyone at all.

  I’m not saying we accountants are pickup artists but due to the fact we tend to get given a rough ride for being boring, we at least try not to conform to the stereotype and strike up a conversation with the barmaid and seen what the score is. I tend to ask how the events have gone in the past generally and take it from there. If I play my cards right I end up getting her number instead if the choice at speed dating is limited.

  In my experience, the Indian girls, most of the time, are at the events to kill time. Their cousins/university friends are over for the weekend and they want to kill a bit of time before they have to get to the pre-booked restaurant meal later on in the evening and then hitting a club at the end.

  The Indian guys are dismayed when the ladies tend to leave early for the evening to either go home/go to the restaurant or on to another venue without the guys they have just encountered in tow. Poor fellows, this was their time! They thought they had met the one! They wished their mum was here to see
her! She may have approved! The same old pattern emerges every time. Hence why I have stopped going to the Indian ones initially as they didn’t quite get dry humour.

  The non-Indian ladies tend to be more open and up for a good evening. So what if they did not find their potential partner tonight? They had a great time and made some good friends, male and female and a potential new social group.

  As a result of forming a new social group from having attended one of these events, we then proceeded to organise a few nights out and attend other speed dating events and padlock parties subsequently. It was a win–win situation.

  The non-Indian guys are like the Indian guys in terms of having arrived solo. These guys have a lot more confidence I have noticed. Not only will you get a nod of brotherly solidarity but Bromance will be struck up. Therefore, another social circle formed! Whether it be Bromance or romance, everyone seems more chilled and has a great time.

  I have then reached a point in the evening where the three minutes allocated seem like an eternity and I wish I could grab the whistle used by the organiser and blow it myself or next time just bring my own. Sod’s Law they may use a bell instead on the next one!

  What makes its tricky is trying to remember the number the of the lady I had just spoken to and to write a form of code or something short that will make sense later on whilst trying to make my way to the next victim, I mean lady, in a booth, and juggle a drink without tripping, slipping or spilling it.

  Occasionally we come across the ‘One word wonder woman’ on these occasions. She will be the type who is disinterested in both you and the whole experience. Aloof in fact and will as her title suggests only answer with one word.

  This may sound cruel but it is time to have fun and enjoy the evening and not let this person put a dampener on the whole experience. I could go down one of two routes or both.

  Route One: Be suggestive but don’t act like a sleaze. This comes naturally to most men but with there being a push more towards the sleazy side.

  I used to ask question such as what her porn star name would be. The first name being your pet’s name and the surname being your mother’s maiden name tends to be the rule. This usually grabs the attention and stops the one word answers.

  Route Two: Lie about myself and my profession completely. It can work especially if the person is not my type and I have no interest in seeing her again after the three minutes expire.

  The Lie: I am a yacht broker. So I bamboozle her with manufacturers of these majestic off-shore cruisers such as Princess, Sealine, Huntsman, Pershing, Sunseeker, etc. just to show I know my stuff in case she googles any of them. One girl did in fact do just that in front of me!

  I then drop nautical puns into the conversation and see if she gets any of them. Some do and appreciate them, many don’t. In fact I was so proud of my nautical puns I actually wrote a profile for one of my friends who actually enjoyed sailing regularly being on a boat. She was grateful but didn’t receive attention from whom she wanted.

  Two-Faced or Multidimensional?

  There have times when I, like many others I hope, have been wondering what am I doing wrong? Why is it not happening? I’m a blooming catch damn it!

  I exclaimed this to a work colleague and friend of mine who immediately knew the score. She was instrumental in helping me whittle down profiles and choose ‘more appropriate ones’.

  The thing is, she was very interested in astrology and horoscopes and palmistry to a point. I’m not a sceptic, but it wasn’t a field I was particularly interested in and even knew much about.

  The fact I am a Gemini male made a lot of difference in terms of whom I should be ‘concentrating’ on and whom I should just avoid completely.

  Now, I must clarify that my first line to a potential lady is not “Hi, Gemini male! Pleased to meet you, what sign are you baby?!” But, fortunately some of the dating websites used would divulge such details, especially the Indian ones.

  The good thing is this detail became a bit of a tool in helping to narrow down profiles. Not only did it help to stimulate the mind, it helped raise my game in terms of formulating ways of dropping in my star sign and then trying to ascertain the star sign through normal conversation. Quite tricky! There were epic fails at times.

  Indian and Non-Indian ladies would respond with “Why are you asking me that?”

  Non-Indian ladies would follow that by ‘Okay… Are you a fan of Mystic Meg or something you weirdo?!” and then try and laugh it off.

  The Indian ladies caught on to it straight away like flies to dog turd. They would respond with “Blimey!….. You’re keen!”

  Ordinarily, Sikh and Hindu families that I know have some belief in the astrology and the stars and would consult someone with expertise in this field like a Pandat (Temple Priest) and divulge the star signs of potential pairings whilst showing him a photo of the currently happy couple. The priest would either then say yes or hell no!

  Anyhow, my friend, who is an English rose, had even made a list of the ladies I should only be interested in. I was to avoid Capricorn, Scorpio, Virgo, Taurus and fellow Geminis too! This was 42% of the potentials out there!

  Like a true friend would, I ignored her and carried on anyhow. I suppose like many men, I was and still am a sucker for a pretty woman. I can’t help it.

  It was only when the relationships did not work out and ended a lot sooner than I would have liked or just did not take off, I then took a step back and evaluated. My friend was right all along!

  Now, I hasten to add the interactions and evaluations are based purely on my own experiences and, although may come across as sweeping generalisations, are not intended to be.

  Gemini Man and Taurus Lady – I did not date too many of these but on all occasions I found these ladies too boring. They were never into anything I was. I know people mention opposites attract but there were too many in this case.

  Gemini Man and Virgo Lady – Forget it. Too much of a perfectionist and constantly fussing and nagging. These Ice Maidens will mess around and be too distant and aloof! You will never know where you stand with these and their self-preservation kicks in a lot harsher than mutual consideration for both parties and feelings.

  Gemini Man and Capricorn Lady – Very fickle in my experience. Thought of themselves very highly and nothing or anyone was good enough for them. The very few of these I dated turned out to be exactly the same.

  Gemini Man and Scorpio Lady – Wow! Whirlwind relationships every time with these ladies but not in a good way. Constant mind games and drama but they are so damn hot! I knew they were wrong but lust took over. Glutton for punishment would keep going back for more and then get stung, and stung hard!

  Gemini Man and Gemini Lady – The ex-wife was a Gemini. We even had the same birthday so I couldn’t really forget it. I did try and avoid but now and again a golden nugget popped up and I had to indulge. Couldn’t resist!

  Now I am not saying that I only date the ladies in that ‘most compatible’ camp, as now and again I do stumble across a golden nugget, but I when I get that ‘umm… erm… I don’t know… nah! Forget about it’ kind of feeling then knowing the star sign has helped.

  Whether that approach has hindered my ability to find ‘the one’ I will not know for sure. However, the relationships I have had subsequently have tended to be more pleasant and involved more amicable break ups with less drama than when I was in relationships with the ‘least compatible’ star sign.

  Gemini men are not perfect but almost there! I jest of course. We are multidimensional and not two-faced. We can adapt accordingly in many situations and groups of people and feel the need to be stimulated and not bored. We can get bored very easily. We just happen to be youthful, chilled out and spontaneous and some people don’t like that. Simple.

  The Hank Moody Approach

  I wanna be Hank Moody!

  Hank Moody is the main character of the show Californication of which I am a huge fan and was saddened when it all ended.


  I am not trying to be Hank Moody in any way, shape or form but, bearing in mind it is only a television show, tried taking a leaf out of his book of life. His approach is unorthodox to those who are shrinking violets and can only be executed by the very few who are not.

  It’s all well trying to imitate Hank Moody. The way to be like Hank Moody is to stop trying to imitate Hank Moody because Hank Moody isn’t imitating anyone. He has his own unique style and methodology.

  I found that apart from the car he drove, I didn’t have much in common with him. No, I did not buy my car because Hank drove one, I just happened to work hard and fulfil a schoolboy dream and happened to buy it before I discovered the show.

  Hank is the ‘I don’t care what happens’ free-spirited, occasionally charming, but depending on whom he is with, smoothest person you’ll ever see with the ladies. Secretly, I think all guys would like to be like him. I know I would.

  Over the years, out of curiosity too I hasten to add, I have read books on being a pickup artist etc. but I noticed very quickly I am not a natural at the ‘pickup’ game. I can rely on natural charm but will freefall and crash then burn when trying to adopt methodologies as per pickup artists.

  Hank Moody, through his charm, demeanour and antics, is able to successfully charm women of all types.

  The point trying to be made is that of all of us to some point regardless of sex, would relish being in a position of power and influence in terms of being able to control those who we desire or simply fall head over heels for.

  By control, I do not mean dominate, take advantage of, or manipulate, but to be able to take control of the situation by knowing what to say and when to say it and how to say it but not being too generic and thus tailoring it to suit the audience. Audience being the required lady.