The Love Lottery

by Raj Dhaliwal

  I was never a shrinking violet, but would sometimes hesitate unnecessarily and the opportunity that may have presented itself would simply have been and gone and there was nothing I could do about it. Hindsight turned out to be a real best friend!

  The approach I adopted did not entail me harassing every single lady in the style of Benny Hill at my chosen venue to a point where the staff and doorman would be informed and subsequent eviction from the premises was guaranteed. However, the approach was emphasising personality traits and to an extent any skillset or hidden talent I may have had. I had to work with what little I had. Be a gambler! Place my bets and hope I struck lucky instead of striking out!

  Young at Heart

  For me, it was a case of be young at heart but not necessarily immature. This is a Gemini trait and is very much a way I view the world. Being a responsible and mature adult is hard work. There is pressure to conform to the way society as a whole expects you to behave, airs and graces etc., and then there are the ladies of different characters and backgrounds that have to be catered for.

  It is just plain old nice to just have some fun and forget responsibilities and loosen up a bit. Actually, loosen up a lot. I therefore approached my quest for women with the mentality that they too need to loosen up. If that is the case, as I have seldom found, then they are most appreciative of a man who can bring her into a child’s world where priorities changed albeit for a few hours or a weekend, and generally having some fun and enjoying life was paramount at that moment in time.

  I suppose I have found the ladies I have encountered on my journey somewhat relieved and even grateful that they won’t be judged on what may come out of their mouths and also by their actions or somewhat spirited behaviour. Granted this approach has not worked with everyone and rather than be popular like hot cakes, I have been dropped like the hot tray containing the hot cakes that scolded the hands instead.

  Carefree and free-spirited

  Being carefree and free-spirited can come naturally to some individuals and on the flipside it takes a lot of courage. I have learnt that it is one crucial ingredient in the whole cake mix when it comes to attracting women.

  We naturally find it daunting and subsequently become suppressed due to the fact we are so afraid of being judged so quickly and unfairly on what we actually wanted to do or say.

  I already knew from an early age that I should not play it cool and wait for a lady, let alone a stunning specimen of the female species, to approach me and initiate some form of eye contact let alone some form of conversation. I am not that calibre of guy.

  Contentious point time but – unless you are rich and famous, or exceptionally good-looking, it does not happen. Only in the movies.

  My close female friends have mentioned in conversations that they prefer it when the guy will approach. Therefore, I do that very same thing. What is the worst that can happen? She can only say no. It’s not as though she will pull out a lethal martial arts combo in the style of video game Mortal Combat and claim flawless victory! Or even worse, have her friends chant “Finish him!”

  There are boundaries and space needs to be respected at the same time. However, the approach of carefree and free-spirited is refreshing to some and those ladies will appreciate it.

  More Baggage Than Heathrow Terminal 5

  Fortunately, I don’t consider myself to have any emotional baggage or otherwise. However, close female friends have always advised that when I’m with a lady, I should not bore her with my sensitive problems. I don’t. I am surprised at how many are or have been on past dates with other guys.

  We are constantly informed in the media or in other formats that ladies, generally speaking, require a strong, mature and sensible, responsible, blah blah man and thus do not want to be bogged down with a man who they pity and has issues. There is being empathetic and that’s where it should stop.

  From going on numerous dates, the one thing I have been told by ladies when they recall worst dates ever is that any emotional issues should be reserved for the psychiatrist. When a guy is on an initial meet up or a first or even second date with a lady, the advice is not to lay out cards on the table recalling a life story and how you were treated unfairly by parents in comparison to siblings etc.

  It is selfish it seems, but the ladies want to forget problems when they’re with their gentleman of choice and not be in a position of having to deal with new ones, especially ones that are not their own.

  This can work both ways. I naturally would like to be there for that someone special and provide support and almost be that rock that they need, but that could only take place when the relationship has evolved into something special at least, and not after a week.

  It Hurts my head when I think!

  I have reached that age where my brain went from “I really shouldn’t say that!” to “Sod it, let’s see what happens if I do!”

  Thinking sometimes hurts, but can also be dangerous and yet exciting at the same time and should only happen once in a while!

  I, along with many men, especially in the past, overthink when I’m talking to ladies. Well not anymore! I now tend to say the first thing that pops into my mind. Granted there is a moment of silence post comment being put out there, but subsequently that comment tends to be the funniest they have heard all day. Phew!

  Granted I am no comedian, never claimed to be either but the age-old cliché of if you can make a woman laugh springs to mind, then, we are on a good foundation rather than dodgy ground!

  I have a sense of humour. I have been told I have a great sense of humour by many, including past dates and girlfriends. It is dry and can be as dry as Gandhi’s flip-flops but it is a sense of humour nonetheless. It does not go down well with all but this really all depends on the sense of humour possessed by the desired lady of choice. If she has one, then count myself lucky. However, if not, then good luck or just simply move on. The last thing I wanted was to have my personality stifled and not be allowed to be myself comfortably.

  Bad Boy or General Bell End?

  On many an occasion I do get asked why I am single. It’s a known fact and wonder of the universe that all the nice guys finish last. The Bell End* (bad boy) tends to get the ladies. Fact.

  *’Bell End’ is an English term used to crudely describe the tip of a man’s penis.

  I am going to make a very contentious sweeping generalisation that will have some throw up their arms in despair and raise eyebrows. I say this as it has had the very same effect in the past in conversations with friends, associates and work colleagues when this topic is brought up.

  There is no such thing as a bad boy. The bad boy is an attribute pertaining to any Hollywood character depending on script. The actors play characters that tend to have something about them that is alluring and possesses an air of mystique that the ladies find intriguing. That is it. That is all it ever will be.

  The bad boy wannabes in the real world are just generally talentless Bell Ends. I have noticed on the whole that they have no formal education or qualifications, not that academic excellence is the be all and end all. They tend to have no career prospects, drive or motivation to improve themselves or to do better in life generally. They have no money or assets worth mentioning. They drift along and blame the world and everyone in it for their shortcomings as men. They are not gentleman and most certainly do not know how to conduct themselves like gentlemen. They tend to be abusive to the lady they are with and think nothing of bullying them, whether it be physically or verbally, and treating them like dirt whilst cheating on them with their best friend or sister. Mentally or financially instable or both. A complete gormless erection.

  The only time the nice guy gets a look in is when the Bell End has really screwed the lady over and done a disappearing act that would make Lord Lucan or Houdini green with envy.

  The nice guy is safe, he is dependable, he is stable financially and mentally, he is out of the friend zone, he is in with a chance! Well… until the next Bell End po
ps along and then the cycle continues.

  Upon having described the above to those who have asked why I am single, to my surprise many a lady has remarked upon how I have accurately described a guy whom their friend, sister or someone close is in fact, much to the annoyance of family and friends, currently dating. Pretty accurate albeit a generalisation.

  Initially, Hank Moody may be considered to be a form of bad boy but the difference being he has talent. In the show, he is a gifted and successful writer.

  A lot of ladies I have conversed with on the subject have come up with the one common denominator.

  They think they can change the bad boy into a gentleman. Films and TV are partially to blame for this.

  The guy is a Bell End as described, and then after having met a lady from the other side of town or the tracks as they put it in the movies, the girl somehow falls in love and then tries to convert the guy from a Fiat into a Ferrari of a man. In the movies it works and she gets all the credit and they get married and breed degenerate little shits whom will take after their father and live happily ever after.

  In the real world, it only works to an extent up to an Alfa Romeo level. Then the ladies get frustrated due to lack of change as a result of the Bell End being made or asked to change and not wanting to adhere to change. Another vicious cycle.

  The other thing Hank Moody and I have in common is that we love women. Naturally, we have fun with them, we engage with them and show genuine sincere interest in them whilst seeking to learn everything about them.

  We outrageously flirt with just about any woman like it is second nature, another Gemini trait but on my side more than his, and I believe it is healthy and therapeutic for both parties whether it be as the recipient or flirter.

  Dare I say, I have even managed to flirt with more than one lady at the same time like the true Man Whore that I am. Great for building confidence going forwards, but can be a real disaster when it all goes Pete Tong and I risk crashing and burning.

  I have learned one thing by observing the group of ladies whilst flirting shamelessly. I really have to find something interesting and funny and quirky even to say. Only then, will I have their attention and open up the possibility to engage furthermore. Whilst engaging I have to ensure I direct my attention evenly and not just at the one I really want. Otherwise, the mobile phones are whipped out. Disaster! The phone extraction becomes a domino effect! One whips out her phone, then the next one, then another one, and thus it continues! They will find it more interesting to respond to a guy they may have been ghosting lately than hear any more! Or even text each other to say “Let’s ditch him and leave this place!”

  Eventually, then the only solitary female left, if not a couple of ladies, is struggling. She really wants to stay and listen. Okay she may not have been my first choice, shallow I know, but her friend or the group are signalling to her. They have known her a lot longer than me and she will have to follow them. Sisters before Misters!

  I really did contemplate call this book The Girl Whisperer! after one of the characters in Californication referred to Hank Moody as being one, after subsequently discovering Hank had not only wooed and slept with his estranged wife, but with many of the other faculty members as well as students whilst amassing a following of female admirers. Wannabe Girl Whisperer seemed more appropriate as I was not in that guy’s league!

  In the style of Hank Moody, I also contemplated calling this book Life’s a Bitch, and Then You Marry One!, but that would have sounded like I am bitter which I am most definitely not. Hank Moody I think would not have cared and just called it what he wanted without worrying about political correctness.

  Sounds dodgy, but only those who have watched the show will resonate.

  When it All Goes Pete Tong!

  Ladies and Gentlemen! Oh dear oh dear oh dear! I have nothing to add. No wise words or pearls of wisdom to impart upon thee.

  For those who deserve it there is:

  “It’s not me, it’s you!”

  For those who do not, as ever, the skills of a diplomat are required when not trying to hurt someone’s feelings.

  As silver-tongued as I like to consider myself to be, I am absolutely shite at this.

  How I have pondered and encountered a form of writer’s block as someone who is not a writer. Naturally, I have had to tailor the response on the type of person I am dealing with. Dealing with sounds harsh, interacting with sounds more pleasant.

  It could be argued that women have it very easy on the dumping. Contentious statement I know but I find it to be true. They can come across as being straightforward without being bitchy and that is that. They can always be a lot bitchier if they want and that is just down to her and how the relationship was.

  If the guy adopts the same wording and approach, god help him! He will be cursed, have an effigy or voodoo doll made of him and be labelled a complete arse and have his number displayed in a gay chat line. Thankfully this has not happened to me but it did to a close friend whom I promised to keep anonymous – until he pisses me off! Only kidding.

  Thank heavens for the key diplomatic words such as ‘Connection’, ‘Click’ and ‘Chemistry’. They seem to be more commonplace now when being dumped whether as the dumper or the dumped.

  “Although we did initially ‘Click’, I am really gutted as I really wanted there to be ‘Chemistry’ and a deeper ‘Connection’ also. It is something fundamental I am looking for. I hope you understand.”

  It is such a fantastic way of saying “You looked much better in the photos and I don’t find you attractive in real life!”

  The worst way of being dumped is by text message. I find it to be rude, arrogant and disrespectful. Another snippet of wisdom bestowed upon me by my female friends was never to do that separating by text, despite the fact that I never did or ever would do that anyhow.

  I personally always found the parting of ways to be easier either face to face or at worse case over the telephone if distance and time was an issue. As a result, the parting of ways was more amicable and I would always prefer to part on good terms and not be friends with that person rather than part with venom and risk abusive texts or calls post the event.

  Contentious statement time again. I have found Indian women tend to be the worst offenders in this case. It’s amazing how they seem to be complete naturals at this. If you are very lucky you may get a message similar to the one I use. If not, then you will simply get “It’s not working, all the best.” That’s it. That’s all you will get. It is unreasonable to ask for anything more you selfish person.

  That and ghosting.

  Ghosting is literally the act of suddenly ceasing all communication with someone the subject is dating, but no longer wishes to date. This is done in the hope that the ghostee will just ‘get the hint’ and leave the subject alone, as opposed to the subject simply telling them he/she is no longer interested. Ghosting is not specific to a certain gender and is closely related to the subject’s maturity and communication skills. Many attempt to justify ghosting as a way to cease dating the ghostee without hurting their feelings, but it in fact proves the subject is thinking more of themselves, as ghosting often creates more confusion for the ghostee than if the subject kindly stated how he/she feels.

  Quote courtesy of the Urban Dictionary.

  Is it really too much to ask of someone to take out five minutes of their time to put someone straight? Not a rant, but a question I have always asked myself and have heard others, female as well as male, who have not fared so well in their quest for love ask the same.

  Is the dumper’s time and attention too precious, more so than the person who is about to be dumped?

  Strange how people on the whole – sweeping generalisation time again– wish for a potential to be intelligent and respectful amongst other qualities and attributes. Yet, the Urban Dictionary highlights key words such as ‘maturity’ and ‘communication skills’.

  From conversing with friends, male and female for a more balan
ced perspective, it seems there a multitude of contributing factors with regards to why it is considered more acceptable to behave in such a way.

  The common reasons seem to be:

  The person didn’t seem interested anymore like they used to, and the task of texting began to feel like a chore and it wasn’t worth spending any more time or energy.

  One word answers and a raft of emojis (which are not always easy to understand/ interpret) rather than a sentence. From this, it is apparent the other person is having a better conversation with someone else.

  The thought of that alone and thinking that the date is having a better time talking to another potential partner is just an enthusiasm quencher. It’s as simple as that.

  Granted the lack of interesting if not stimulating conversation can drive someone away from continuing communication leading to a potential romance.

  I have experienced all the above and will no doubt continue to do so, it’s part of the seeking and dating ritual but that was not and still is not an excuse to be rude and Ghost.

  A simple “I am really sorry, but I am not feeling any connection and find we don’t have anything in common, etc., etc.” would be much more appreciated and the other party would get the message a lot sooner rather than guessing. If anything, the sooner the other party is told, the sooner they can move on and find someone more suitable and deserving.

  The world of dating in any form would be more fun if it were not for the fear of being rejected and the methodology of the rejection. Not an earth-moving statement I know but it is so simple and so true yet it gets ignored repeatedly. The maturity and communication skills tend to go out of the window.